"Yes, it is, but at the end of the day, what we do with our lives is up to us and nobody else. You and your sister had a rough childhood, you had to rely on each other more than most children have to in their entire lives. The two of you forged a bond that most would envy, and yes, the sexual aspect of your relationship is unusual, but the love and devotion isn't. In my eyes, all I see are two people being there for each other in the tough times, when no one else was," Sarah said, before she herself looked away in guilt, she knew that tonight happened because she'd hurt him again.
"Sarah," Chuck began, but she stopped him, knowing she needed to say this all before she lost her nerve.
"This is my fault, Chuck. I've been treating you horribly; this week, I simply stood there and let Bryce be horrible to you, I could have stopped him, I could have made him stop, but I didn't. I know what you thought we were doing all week at that hotel and, while I would never do that with Bryce Larkin of all people, I know how your insecurities can play with your mind. Instead of taking thirty seconds to tell you that nothing happened," Sarah paused for a moment. "Nothing did happen by the way," Sarah said, Chuck simply nodded silently.
"Instead of taking a short moment to reassure you, to calm your fears, I let you torture yourself, because I was afraid, because I was a coward." Chuck looked at Sarah like he was going to protest, but she simply stuck her hands up to stop him and pressed on. "I've been so afraid of getting reassigned, that I've let you torture yourself for days; that was cruel of me, Chuck, and I'm so sorry," Sarah said sadly to Chuck, who simply looked away tearfully and nodded.
"It's okay, Sarah, really," Chuck said emotionally. He was guarded once again and obviously trying to deflect, but Sarah wasn't going to let that happen this time. Sarah shook her head no and reached out to gently make him look at her.
"No, it's not, Chuck, it's never okay to let the people you care about suffer, when you can do something to stop it. I've been unfair to you for months now; I've been keeping you close, but not too close. I've been keeping you interested enough to love me, but not giving you anything in return. You deserve better from me, Chuck. You're a great guy, and you deserve better than this emotional whiplash I've been giving you for nine months." Sarah was building momentum, she could feel it, she was actually going to do this.
"What are you saying?" Chuck asked cautiously, she could see the glimmer of hope in his eyes and it actually hurt her to know that he was so guarded now; he wanted to believe, be he was stopping himself.
"This," Sarah said before she leapt in and kissed him hard, she poured everything she had into the kiss. The two of them were like two puzzle pieces that were destined to fit together, the synergy and chemistry between them was palpable. When they pulled back for air, Sarah spoke quickly, before she lost her nerve.
"I love you, Chuck. I'm going to say it again, because it feels so good, I love you. I've felt the same way you've felt about me since almost the beginning." Sarah saw the beaming smile on Chuck's face begin to appear and it made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
"It is so good to hear you say that, Sarah. I've been worried that I was the only one who had feelings under this stupid cover. After this week, I felt so alone, like I did after Jill. I just needed to feel wanted by someone again, for a little while," Chuck admitted sadly. Once again, her guilt was back, she'd done this to him; she'd made him feel so alone that he'd turned to his sister for the intimacy, not even mentioning the sex, that any real girlfriend would be more than willing to give him.
"I know, Chuck, and I promise you that no matter what happens, things are going to be different from now on, I'm going to work harder to prevent things like this week from happening. You shouldn't have to live with self-doubt, wondering if I'm sleeping with the man who's done so much to ruin your life," Sarah said with conviction that she could see was doing much to revive Chuck's smile, but she knew she had to temper his enthusiasm.
"Never question the fact that I love you, Chuck, but I can't be in love with you," she said honestly and saw his smile fall from his face.
"What?"
"I am not allowed to be in a romantic relationship with my asset; my feelings for you are not a good thing in the eyes of the government." She could see him deflating and it broke her heart, so she spoke quickly before he hit bottom emotionally. "Please, Chuck, you have to understand, there is nothing I want more than to be everything you want us to be, but I can't. In the CIA, we had what was called a protocol 49b, which was an evaluation to see if a handler was compromised by her asset. If the 49b inspector deemed the agent compromised, then they'd be reassigned and a new handler would be assigned. I don't know what the rules and regulations are for the NSA, but even still; I don't want to leave this assignment, Chuck. I've found love here, and friends, I've made a life here. I can't lose this, Chuck; this assignment and the people it lets me be with, meaning you, and Ellie, and Morgan, and Devon, this is all I have. I'm basically estranged from both of my parents and I don't have any siblings; if I was reassigned, I'd go back to having literally nobody in my life, nobody, and I can't let that happen." By now the tears were falling down her cheek and Chuck quickly closed the distance between them and gave her a comforting hug.
"I had no idea, Sarah," Chuck said emotionally, finally understanding why Sarah had been so up and down lately.
"I know you want more, but this is all I can give you, Chuck," Sarah said, as she wept into his comforting embrace. Chuck rubbed her back tenderly and kissed her on the top of her head. Her hair smelled like Ellie's shampoo, which was lavender scented, instead of her own vanilla scented shampoo.
"Hey," Chuck said, as he pulled back to look into her eyes. "All I've ever wanted from you is to definitively know where I stood; knowing how you feel is enough for me." Chuck's words were like a soothing salve for burned flesh, they made the pain go away.
"Really, this is enough?" Sarah asked emotionally. Chuck nodded with his signature loving smile on his face.
"For now. If waiting is what it takes to have a future with the woman I love, then I'll wait. I love you, Sarah Walker, and I don't care how long it takes us to finally be real, I'll be there with you every step of the way." Sarah let out a relieved sob and collapsed back into his arms, these weren't tears of grief or sadness, no, these were tears of relief.
He was willing to wait for her, no matter how long it took them to be together, he'd be there. She wouldn't have to worry about being enough for him, she wouldn't have to worry about losing him.
"Thank you, Chuck. You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that; I've been so worried that I was going to lose you one day, because of all the mixed messages." Chuck simply shook his head, with his confident smile on his face.
"You couldn't drag me away." Sarah gave Chuck her own beaming smile. "So, what now?" Chuck asked as they separated and stood a few feet apart.
"Now we finish up here and go home," Sarah said simply as she straightened the small room up a bit with Chuck.
"No, I mean, what now for us?" Chuck asked more directly, Sarah tensed up with worry, they'd just talked about waiting, so what could he mean?
"What do you mean, we can't be together right now, we just talked about this," Sarah said with noticeable apprehension, Chuck gave Sarah a small understanding smile and gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze.
"I know that, Sarah. I meant what are we going to do about Beckman; we just had sex, I know I'll be glowing in the morning and I suspect you will too, considering you've been Ms. Horny Grouchy Pants for the last two weeks." Sarah gasped in offense at Chuck's nickname for her, which did nothing but make his smile grow.
"I have not been Ms. Horny Grouchy Pants! You take that back!" she demanded, which simply made Chuck giggle at her adorable behavior. To her aggravation, Chuck simply shook his head no with that same amused smirk on his face, Sarah hated smirkers!
"You better wipe that smirk off your face before I kiss it off of you," Sarah threatened as her own smile tried to burst out. Chuck simply shook his head no once again and spoke.
"I'm sorry Sarah, but I'm only telling you the truth; you've been grumbling about needing quality time for days. You needed some TLC, something everyone has noticed, and now that you've gotten said TLC, you're going to be different around Casey and Beckman." Sarah knew Chuck had a point, but she still didn't like his nickname for her.
