Author's note: this story is, of course, pure fantasy. I don't know if there's a device such as an EEZI zapper, but if there is there's no way the "hero" could be this stoic. Well, I don't think so.
*
I became a film publicist, that's how I got into – well, I was going to say a real mess, but on second thoughts ...
Hi, my name's Tony Drum, I'm 36-years-old and I was in journalism. Sometimes I think, hell, I should have stayed in it, and then again, if I had I wouldn't have had half as much fun.
I got the job as a publicist for Hell Fire Productions, a Sydney-based outfit, when I had a helluva row with the night editor of the Sydney Morning-Herald. I basically told him "shove yer job up yer arse, sport" and walked out.
Then an old flame of mine, called me. Jen and I used to have a raging thing going, but she decided she preferred sheilas, so I got the dump. She called me the day after my temper tantrum: "Hey sport, if you've got a free day, I've got a free lunch."
I laughed. "Don't bullshit me, Jen," I said. "There's no such thing as a free lunch, as you very well know. And as you also very well know, after last night I've certainly got a free day."
Sydney, despite all its high rise apartments and skyscrapers is still a pretty small town. News of my defection from the dear old SMH was on the lips of every journo in every early opener – sorry, that's a pub that opens not long after 8am, an ideal time for journos, believe me.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, I had lunch with Jen in one of those rizty joints down by The Rocks, drank far too much red wine, and got talked into joining Hell Fire as a publicist. It was, said Jen, a oncer. They wanted me to be personal publicist for Liz Hurley.
As soon as Jen dropped Hurley's name, she knew she had me! I know Hurley is 40-plus, I know she can't act her way out of a paper bag, but – and it's a bloody big "but", sport – she is still a darned fine looking sheila.
"Why me?" I asked, sucking on another glass of excellent Penfolds Bin 387. "What makes me so special for the Hurley assignment?"
Jen grinned her pearly whites at me. Crikey, lesbian or not, she was still damned good-looking!
"Because at 36 you're still quite hunky. You've got all your dago black hair, you've got straight teeth but a crooked smile. You work out, so you're nicely cut and toned. And you've got an eight inch uncut cock, as I remember."
"So?" I said, sipping again at the Penfolds.
"So Hurley insists on having handsome hunks as her publicists," said Jen. "It's probably an ego thing. And you know every blooming journo in Sydney and Sydney's where she's going to be based during the shooting of our latest production."
Now Hell Fire Productions isn't exactly a porno studio, but it's only a couple of rungs up. The ladies who star in their features display a helluva lot of breast, thigh, butt and almost – but not quite – pussy.
"Why does Liz Hurley have to stoop – pardon my French – to making a movie for Hell Fire," I asked Jen.
"Let's just say we made her an offer she couldn't refuse," said Jen, picking up the tab. Like I said, there's no such thing as a free lunch. It wasn't until a couple of months later that I found how much I'd be paying for it.
So, fast forward, as they say in the video business. The movie was in the can, Hurley had charmed all the local press, radio and TV, flashing that big fucking Pommy smile, talking that posh, plummy Pommy accent, and generally showing enough cleavage to put a hard on a jellyfish.
She and I had got along very well. "Tony the tout", she called me. Once, out on location and in her caravan, after too much to drink I took the "Tony the tout" line for the last time and called her "Hurley the harlot". She laughed fit to bust her britches, but she never called me "the tout" again. I made darned certain not to call her "the harlot", either.
So after the post-production party was winding down and all the publicist photographers had gone, Hurley came up to me, grabbed me by the arm and walked me to one side.
"Tomorrow morning, the place I'm renting in the bay, 11am. And arrive sober, Tony," she whispered. Making sure no one overheard.
Like a fool I said: "It will be my pleasure." That's a fucking laugh!
The next day, I wheeled my Holden Commodore SV8 into the driveway in front of the posh mansion Hell Fire had rented for her during filming. She hates hotels.
She peered out the front door, peeping around it, actually and smiled: "Nice car."
It's not a Ferrari but, as they say, the SV8 is like a shark prowling the streets for small fry to gobble up.
"Thanks," I gave her my most winning smile, as I stepped into the hallway. Then I saw why she only partly-opened the door. She was wearing a shiny black satin bra and matching little panties. Now she may be 40, 41, I'm not sure which, but it's one of those bodies to die for, pardon the cliche.
"Upstairs, follow me," she said, leading the way, her pert arse wobbling in the satin which stretched tautly across her buttocks. Her legs were long and tanned – shit, I just love long legs. She was wearing black high heels. I love high heels, too, because of what they do to a sheila's calves. Yum, yum.
Up in a bedroom, with a massive queen-sized bed, I saw what even I, with all my innocence of anything "kinky", recognised as a spreader bar. I should have got out of there right then, but you know the story. My cock was leading my brain and my cock was the length of the Flemington straight ahead. No way I was backing down from a session with this Pommy fox!
"The clothes are nice, Tony," she said, in her fruity fucking accent, "but they're not really necessary. Be out of them when I get back, there's a dear boy." A "dear boy" – I'm 36, for fuck's sake.
She stepped into a bathroom adjoining the bedroom – one of those en suite jobs, or whatever they call 'em in those poncey real estate ads. I stripped off to display my terrific tan – I spend a lot of time lying out on Bondi perving the sheilas - and my eight-inches of stiffness down there. I glanced in a mirror. You smooth-looking bastard, I grinned to myself.
Then it all started to turn to custard. Her Highness returned, this time wearing a g-string just big enough to cover her pudenda and a black satin quarter-cup bra, which thrust her tits – I guess they're 34, 35-inches, I'm not sure to this day – into uplift that would give a dead man a hard-on. She was still in the high heels. Now this is going to sound silly, but right then if she'd said "Jump!" I'd have jumped off the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
"Ready for a bit of erotic bondage, Tone," she said. I hate it when they call me "Tone", but as I said – she could have said anything, the harlot, and I'd have obeyed.
I remember nodding rather stupidly, and she picked up the metal thing from the bed, knelt in front of me and attached the ends of the bar to my ankles. This spread my feet some three feet, maybe an inch or two more, but it wasn't too awkward.
On her way back up, Hurley the Harlot planted a kiss on my erect cock head. Just a kiss, no open-mouth stuff, but I heard angels sing. Oh was this ever going to be good. Then, as I said, it all turned to custard.
"OK girls, he's all yours," she called and into the bedroom stepped two women. Both were clad in bikinis – one red, the other black. Both were holding – and I fucking kid you not – cattle prods!
I knew they were cattle prods because last summer I'd done a feature about the effects of the drought out in the bush and I'd seen the effect they had on half a ton or more of heifer. I shuddered to think what they'd do to a man weighing 160 pounds.
Anyway, the one in the red bikini I'd seen before. She was Hurley's personal trainer. She was, as we say down here in Australia, built like a brick shit house. Her figure was muscled, but not outrageously so. She was about my age, with dark, almost black hair, fine breasts, great thighs and a stunning arse. She also looked as mean as hell.
"Hi," she said, smiling wickedly at me, "my name's Sam and we're going to get along famously – just as long as you behave, kay?" And she traced the bloody cattle prod down my upper torso.
I nodded. Then the bitch in black spoke up. "And I'm Nikki, Tony. Looking forward to working with you." Nikki was smaller – in height that is – than her partner, and around 10 years younger. She was a blonde and she obviously also worked out a lot. Great body, but too young for me.
"Now, let's get those hands behind your back," snapped Sam and I just looked at her. Then I looked at Liz Hurley, who by now was lying back on the bed, her fingers grazing over the covering patch of her g-string. She was getting off on this!
"Hey, Liz," I said in a voice that wasn't pleading, but wasn't far off it. "Joke's over, OK? Let's call this quits. You've had your laughs, now let me go."
Hurley laughed and it was the sort of laugh that sent a shiver down my spine.
"No fucking way, Tony," she said, through gritted teeth. "You called me 'Hurley the harlot', now I'm going to live up to it. In a few minutes the girls are going to pack you in the van and then we're going on a nice drive upstate to where a dear friend has lent me her home. Don't worry where, it's not important.
"I've got the place for a week. Sam, Nikki and I are going to enjoy the week. For you, though, my dear Tony, it's going to seem like a year. Get him packed up, girls, I'm going to get dressed."
And with that she disappeared into a walk-in wardrobe and the two women had me cuffed in impossibly-tight rubber handcuffs behind my back. OK, I know I'm a big boy, but I was scared shitless and there was no way I was going to get a zap from one of those fucking prods!
The two minders then hauled me off downstairs, through the kitchen. Backed up to the back door stood a high-roofed Transit van. I was marched into it and told to stand in the centre of the vehicle.
They then used strong ropes hanging from half-way up the sides of the van to tie around my biceps. Similar ropes from waist level held me steady there. A rubber ball gag was placed in my mouth and attached with strap around my head. A large rubber hood was draped over my head to blindfold me, and then I heard the doors slam.
Ten minutes later I heard Hurley's voice: "We're on the way now, Tony. Enjoy the drive. Oh, Nikki is following on with your clothes and your toy Holden. Don't worry, she's an excellent driver."
And the van started its drive out of Sydney towards the secret hideaway. It took two hours, possibly three, because after a while I stopped trying to calculate time, just how much shit I was in.
At the destination, I was untied by two pairs of hands and marched out of the van – backwards. The hood stayed on. Inside the house we went up a flight of stairs, then I was halted and the hood pulled from my head.
I gazed at a stunning view, looking out over a huge valley, totally tree-clad, the sky blue on the distant horizon. We were in a large, sumptuous lounge.