Author's note: this story is, of course, pure fantasy. I don't know if there's a device such as an EEZI zapper, but if there is there's no way the "hero" could be this stoic. Well, I don't think so.
*
I became a film publicist, that's how I got into – well, I was going to say a real mess, but on second thoughts ...
Hi, my name's Tony Drum, I'm 36-years-old and I was in journalism. Sometimes I think, hell, I should have stayed in it, and then again, if I had I wouldn't have had half as much fun.
I got the job as a publicist for Hell Fire Productions, a Sydney-based outfit, when I had a helluva row with the night editor of the Sydney Morning-Herald. I basically told him "shove yer job up yer arse, sport" and walked out.
Then an old flame of mine, called me. Jen and I used to have a raging thing going, but she decided she preferred sheilas, so I got the dump. She called me the day after my temper tantrum: "Hey sport, if you've got a free day, I've got a free lunch."
I laughed. "Don't bullshit me, Jen," I said. "There's no such thing as a free lunch, as you very well know. And as you also very well know, after last night I've certainly got a free day."
Sydney, despite all its high rise apartments and skyscrapers is still a pretty small town. News of my defection from the dear old SMH was on the lips of every journo in every early opener – sorry, that's a pub that opens not long after 8am, an ideal time for journos, believe me.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, I had lunch with Jen in one of those rizty joints down by The Rocks, drank far too much red wine, and got talked into joining Hell Fire as a publicist. It was, said Jen, a oncer. They wanted me to be personal publicist for Liz Hurley.
As soon as Jen dropped Hurley's name, she knew she had me! I know Hurley is 40-plus, I know she can't act her way out of a paper bag, but – and it's a bloody big "but", sport – she is still a darned fine looking sheila.
"Why me?" I asked, sucking on another glass of excellent Penfolds Bin 387. "What makes me so special for the Hurley assignment?"
Jen grinned her pearly whites at me. Crikey, lesbian or not, she was still damned good-looking!
"Because at 36 you're still quite hunky. You've got all your dago black hair, you've got straight teeth but a crooked smile. You work out, so you're nicely cut and toned. And you've got an eight inch uncut cock, as I remember."
"So?" I said, sipping again at the Penfolds.
"So Hurley insists on having handsome hunks as her publicists," said Jen. "It's probably an ego thing. And you know every blooming journo in Sydney and Sydney's where she's going to be based during the shooting of our latest production."
Now Hell Fire Productions isn't exactly a porno studio, but it's only a couple of rungs up. The ladies who star in their features display a helluva lot of breast, thigh, butt and almost – but not quite – pussy.
"Why does Liz Hurley have to stoop – pardon my French – to making a movie for Hell Fire," I asked Jen.
"Let's just say we made her an offer she couldn't refuse," said Jen, picking up the tab. Like I said, there's no such thing as a free lunch. It wasn't until a couple of months later that I found how much I'd be paying for it.
So, fast forward, as they say in the video business. The movie was in the can, Hurley had charmed all the local press, radio and TV, flashing that big fucking Pommy smile, talking that posh, plummy Pommy accent, and generally showing enough cleavage to put a hard on a jellyfish.
She and I had got along very well. "Tony the tout", she called me. Once, out on location and in her caravan, after too much to drink I took the "Tony the tout" line for the last time and called her "Hurley the harlot". She laughed fit to bust her britches, but she never called me "the tout" again. I made darned certain not to call her "the harlot", either.
So after the post-production party was winding down and all the publicist photographers had gone, Hurley came up to me, grabbed me by the arm and walked me to one side.
"Tomorrow morning, the place I'm renting in the bay, 11am. And arrive sober, Tony," she whispered. Making sure no one overheard.
Like a fool I said: "It will be my pleasure." That's a fucking laugh!
The next day, I wheeled my Holden Commodore SV8 into the driveway in front of the posh mansion Hell Fire had rented for her during filming. She hates hotels.
She peered out the front door, peeping around it, actually and smiled: "Nice car."
It's not a Ferrari but, as they say, the SV8 is like a shark prowling the streets for small fry to gobble up.
"Thanks," I gave her my most winning smile, as I stepped into the hallway. Then I saw why she only partly-opened the door. She was wearing a shiny black satin bra and matching little panties. Now she may be 40, 41, I'm not sure which, but it's one of those bodies to die for, pardon the cliche.
"Upstairs, follow me," she said, leading the way, her pert arse wobbling in the satin which stretched tautly across her buttocks. Her legs were long and tanned – shit, I just love long legs. She was wearing black high heels. I love high heels, too, because of what they do to a sheila's calves. Yum, yum.
Up in a bedroom, with a massive queen-sized bed, I saw what even I, with all my innocence of anything "kinky", recognised as a spreader bar. I should have got out of there right then, but you know the story. My cock was leading my brain and my cock was the length of the Flemington straight ahead. No way I was backing down from a session with this Pommy fox!
"The clothes are nice, Tony," she said, in her fruity fucking accent, "but they're not really necessary. Be out of them when I get back, there's a dear boy." A "dear boy" – I'm 36, for fuck's sake.
She stepped into a bathroom adjoining the bedroom – one of those en suite jobs, or whatever they call 'em in those poncey real estate ads. I stripped off to display my terrific tan – I spend a lot of time lying out on Bondi perving the sheilas - and my eight-inches of stiffness down there. I glanced in a mirror. You smooth-looking bastard, I grinned to myself.
Then it all started to turn to custard. Her Highness returned, this time wearing a g-string just big enough to cover her pudenda and a black satin quarter-cup bra, which thrust her tits – I guess they're 34, 35-inches, I'm not sure to this day – into uplift that would give a dead man a hard-on. She was still in the high heels. Now this is going to sound silly, but right then if she'd said "Jump!" I'd have jumped off the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
"Ready for a bit of erotic bondage, Tone," she said. I hate it when they call me "Tone", but as I said – she could have said anything, the harlot, and I'd have obeyed.
I remember nodding rather stupidly, and she picked up the metal thing from the bed, knelt in front of me and attached the ends of the bar to my ankles. This spread my feet some three feet, maybe an inch or two more, but it wasn't too awkward.