(This series is pure fantasy. Please enjoy it assuch.)
These sexfights just keep getting better and better. We started with reality tv stars from Survivor and Storage Wars in the first two episodes, followed by a wet and wild match between sassy comics Sarah Silverman and Amy Schumer, and an interesting sexual duel with actresses Parker Posey and Isla Fisher that had strapon consequences. I'm not sure we could top it.
Well, this week definitely tops it for me. We've convinced the comedy duo of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to give it a go. They've agreed to do a tamer version of our sexfights, going with a stripfight instead. Apparently the first one to get the other person naked, wins. It didn't sound quite as exciting to me, but the fact that neither of them has done any nudity before, should make the interest pretty high.
Our two contestants may not be considered the sexiest of stars, but they're both two of my personal favorites, that I've fantasized about hundreds of times. They are each coming off successful TV shows, and are two of the most popular, recognizable figures in the entertainment industry. Even though they are both in their fifties, they are each sassy enough to keep our string of exciting matches going.
We were very lucky to sign them up. One of our recent winners, Sarah Silverman talked the two longtime friends into it as more of a dare, and after offering a bump in prize money, we inked a deal.
There would be no bikinis, no sex toys or sexual acts, like fingering or tribbing, andno anal play, but the two stars assured me that they would make it worthwhile for anyone in attendance or watching on pay-per-view.
They came up with a unique scenario where they would be the managers for a fight billed as a match between Jane Krakowski and Aubrey Plaza, Tina and Amy's TV co-stars, then proceed to get in an argument, with the clothes ripping catfight to follow.
The crowd was fired up to see a fight between the two popular supporting actresses, who were just playing along. Little did they know they'd be victims of the old "bait and switch" scam.
Jane and Aubrey even agreed to make the opening entrance, getting the crowd warmed up by parading down the runway in the traditional bikini attire.
Jane was the first one to make her appearance, slowly strutting down the aisle in a mesmerizing blue and white polka dot bikini, followed closely by Tina, escorting her in blue jeans and a simple white button down blouse, looking like your average Milf next door. The crowd perked up when they saw Tina Fey was involved, cheering a bit louder.
She climbed in the ring along with Miss Krakowski, giving the sexy blonde a soothing shoulder rub, as they waited for their opponent.
Aubrey was next, walking down the runway with her arms folded, wearing a not so revealing black one-piece bathing suit. She appeared to be In character, brooding as she ignored the cheers from the raucous crowd, before getting into the ring followed closely by her perky blonde manager, Amy Poehler. Amy was wearing a conservative light gray skirt and blazer, with a colorful flowered print blouse underneath. She did her best to serve as a cheerleader to her Parks and Rec co-star, who seemed disinterested.
The shifty-eyed brunette looked like she didn't want to be there, playing her role perfectly. She announced that she thought the whole idea was sexist and stupid, and quit, walking out of the ring in front of the shocked audience.
Jane told her she couldn't quit, yelling at the pouty dark-haired girl, following her out of the ring. She tried to convince her to stay, grabbing Aubrey's shoulder from behind and spinning her around, scolding her for leaving.
Aubrey responded by ripping Jane's top off, leaving the lovely blonde startled and half-naked, covering up hunched over, in the aisle in just her bikini bottoms.
Aubrey never flinched, and continued walking out of the arena to a mixture of cheers and jeers. It had no effect on Aubrey, who left with her trademark scowl firmly in place. Jane followed, not far behind, running away, holding her exposed jiggling breasts, as she left the venue, humiliated.
"This is your fault!" Tina snapped at Amy, as the two lifelong friends and rival managers were left in the ring, seemingly stunned by the fighters quick exit.
"My fault? Why the hell is it my fault?"
"You can't control your snotty little bitch. That's why."
Tina walked over towards her friend, continuing to chew her out.
"You let her piss and moan, until she gets whatever she wants. She's nothing but a spoiled brat."
Amy wasn't about to let her dark-haired partner tell her off, pushing the nerdy brunette away.
"Back off, Tina! I'm not in the mood!"
Tina was surprised that Amy would brush her off like that, getting physical. Two could play that game, she thought, giving the short blonde a two-handed shove, knocking her back into the ropes.
"You're as bad as your spoiled partner. I suppose you're going to walk off too."
That's all it took to set Amy off, as the fiery comic, whipped off her gray blazer, throwing it aside, ready to have a go with her longtime co-star.
Amy tore across the ring, where Tina was waiting for her, as they locked horns in a hair-pulling tug of war, tearing into each other.
"You arrogant Bitch! Amy sneered, grabbing a fistful of hair with one hand, and Tina's white blouse with the other. It came untucked, as the two Milfs waltzed around the ring, refusing to give up her grip in the hair pulling catfight.
"You're the bitch, BITCH!!" Tina shot back, trying to use her slight size advantage to overpower Amy and back her into the corner.
They may have planned on this little catfight scenario ahead of time, but they weren't acting now. The intensity that they fought with was real. Their friendly rivalry had turned into a passionate battle to see who was the better woman. They knew where this fight was headed, and neither one wanted to be the one left naked in front of the live audience.
As Amy was being backed into the corner, she finally let go of Tina's hair, and slapped her friend across the face, hoping to get her to back off. Tina didn't even think about letting up, as this only enraged her even more. The brunette Milf responded with several slaps of her own, cracking Amy's cheek three or four times, causing the shorter blonde to cover up and duck her head, to avoid the barrage.
With Amy backed up in the corner, hunched up defensively, trying to avoid more of Tina's assault, the enraged brunette reached down, yanking on Amy's short gray skirt, ripping it. The startled blonde was caught off guard by the sneaky move, and had her tattered skirt around her ankles, before she knew what hit her.
Amy managed to push her gasping friend away, sending a nasty stare her way as she kicked her ruined skirt aside. The battered blonde walked back to the center of the ring, with her lavender undies showing, and her flowered blouse looking a little ragged as well. She kicked her shoes off also, walking barefoot, back towards her rival like a zombie.
