love
, can cause problems. They help me, yes, they make me want to protect my friends and family, but they also get in the way. Everything I do, every demon that I fight has repercussions on every one around me. How many times has Xander boarded these windows or fixed a door because of a battle Iâve fought right here, right in this room, while my little sister was upstairs, or even right next to me? How many times have I died, or come close to it?â Burying her face in her free hand, Buffy sighed, âI canât allow myself to feel more for someone than necessary.â
Grimacing with pain, Spike maneuvered himself into a sitting position, âThatâs bullshit, and you know it. You use your duty as a shield. Use it to keep everyone at arms length. Buffy, you protect and nurture every one around you, yet let no one take care of you. Itâs easier to be distant and pretend you donât need anyone. I know different. You need love, probably more than anyone else on this earth. All you see, every day, is death. Whether itâs at your hands or at the hands of some demon. Itâs changing you. Hell, you donât even make your little quips and puns anymore. Those girls upstairs are looking to you to teach them what it means to be the slayer. Those lessons donât include just fighting and knowledge. You have to show them your strength, and I donât mean in a physical, kick-ass way. They need to have mental, emotional, and spiritual strength also. How can you teach them that when you keep yours bottled up inside? Your heart and soul are what makes you who you are. I should know. I went halfway around the world just to get back mine. I did it for you, because you deserve the best. Now, I know that may not be me, but maybe hearing it will make you see the truth.â He reached out and pulled her hand away from her face. When he saw her tears, he did the only thing he could think of⌠he leaned forward and kissed her.
The kiss surprised Buffy, but what surprised her even more was her response. Heat traveled from their lips, through her body and pooled in her stomach. With a sigh, she opened her mouth and ran her tongue along his lips. It was all the encouragement Spike needed. While he deepened the kiss, he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her onto his lap. He grunted with pain when her arm hit his chest, but he never broke the kiss. He took her hands and put them around his neck, then buried the fingers of his left hand in her hair while his right hand worked itâs way under her shirt and rubbed her back. Buffy tightened her hold on his neck and clasped his head to hers. She knew this should stop, but not yet. She had needed to be touched and held so badly, her body seemed to melt into him. She felt his hand fumbling with the clasp of her bra and then it was undone, and he moved his hand around and under it to hold her breast. She arched into his hand, tearing her mouth from his as she moaned. It felt so good; her nipple puckered under his palm as he moved his mouth down her neck and buried his face in the curve of her shoulder. Spike leaned back and pulled her shirt up and off, followed by her bra. Before Buffy could react, he leaned down and fastened his mouth to her nipple. Using one hand to pull on her hair and arch her backwards over his arm, he suckled and bit, teasing her nipple to a hard pebble, and then gave the same attention to itâs mate.
Buffy felt herself losing control; she couldnât touch enough of him. Her hands roamed over his back and shoulders, her fingers kneading the hard muscles. She wanted him badly, needed all of him. She wanted him over her, on her, inside of her.
âSpike, please,â she moaned. Her heart was pounding, and she could feel herself getting wet. Spike raised his head and looked at her flushed face.
âAre you sure this is what you want? Because if this goes any further, pet, I wonât be able to stop,â his English accent thicker with desire and barely leashed control.
âI need you, Spike. Wrong or right, I need you now,â Buffy met his eyes and pulled his face to hers. She trailed kisses along the bruises on his face before pressing her lips to his. Spike groaned and rolled her over, laying her along the couch with her legs still draped over his lap. Pulling away, he undid her pants and slowly pulled them down her legs, only stopping long enough to remove her boots. Leaning forward he placed a kiss between her breasts. Slowly he ran his mouth down her body, stopping to run his tongue around her naval. Going lower he nipped at the skin just above the band of her panties. Raising his eyes to hers, he placed his mouth over the mound of her sex and sucked through the cloth covering her. Buffy nearly came off the couch, so intense was her reaction. She bit down on her hand to keep in the scream as Spike worked her sensitive flesh and brought her to a feverish pitch. Never removing his mouth from her pussy, he worked his finger past the strip of material covering her and slowly pushed it inside her. She was so wet, his finger slid in with no resistance. He worked his finger in and out while his tongue and teeth kept up a steady assault on her clit. It didnât take long for her to cum. Her whole body tensed and she reached down and pushed his face deeper into her, at the same time grabbing a throw pillow and burying her face in it to muffle her screams. Spike didnât stop until he had worked every last tremor out of her body. While she lied there getting her breath back, Spike got painfully to his feet and unfastened his jeans. Buffy watched him through lust-fogged eyes. Her whole body limp she could only lie there while he dropped his pants. He wasnât wearing any thing under them and his erection sprang free, pointing up at the ceiling. She stared at it, and regaining some of her strength reached out and ran her finger from the engorged tip all the way down the shaft to the base and back up again. Spike groaned out loud and felt his knees weaken with lust.
Levering herself to a sitting position in front of him, Buffy leaned forward and flicked the tip of his penis with her tongue. Slowly, looking up at his face the whole time, she sucked the tip of it in her mouth. Running her tongue around the head she began to bob her head up and down, taking more of his hardness with each down stroke, until eventually she swallowed all of it working her throat muscles to heighten the power behind her sucking. Spike gripped her head and began pumping his hips in time with her up and down motions on his cock. Buffy gripped his thighs and put all her energy into making him cum, moving her head faster and sucking harder. After some time, she felt the surge in his cock and pulled back using her hands to work him as he spurted stream after stream of cum onto her chest and throat. Spike moaned and collapsed onto the couch next to Buffy.
After a few moments he sat back up and took a clean cloth off the table and reached over to wipe the cum off Buffyâs chest, âBloody hell, love, that was amazing.â
âSpike, IâŚâ Buffy didnât know what to say. She had never lost herself so completely. Always, when theyâd been together before, she had managed to keep a distance from what was going on. This time she had been on another plane all together. And they hadnât even had sex yet. Yet? Did she dare let this continue? âMaybe we should-â Spike didnât let her finish. Pulling her to him he kissed her hard and hot, pushing his tongue past her lips and fisting his hands in her hair.
Coming up for air, he whispered fiercely, âDonât you dare! You are not gonna pull back on me now. Not after this. You wanted this, slayer, you wanted me, and you still do. I wonât force you, I wouldnât dare try, but look inside yourself and tell me honestly⌠what do you want?â Spike stared into her eyes and loosened his grip on her hair. âAnswer me, Buffy. What do you want?â
Buffy closed her eyes and thought about all the reasons why this was wrong. Her friends were asleep just upstairs. The First was out there somewhere and she couldnât afford to be distracted. And finally, because if she gave in, just this once, and allowed herself to be with Spike she knew any resistance sheâd previously had would be gone. She would be his, completely. She knew he had changed, but could she be with him and still look her friends in the face every day? None of them trusted Spike, except for maybe Dawn, and why should they? In the past he had done a lot of things to anger them. Taking a deep breath, she closed her mind to every thing but her own feelings. Spike wanted an honest answer, and she knew he deserved it. Spike waited impatiently, watching the play of emotions on her face. He was scared as hell that she would get up and walk away. Good Lord, he loved her so much he ached with the need to be near her, hold her, watch over her while she slept. Heâd never had it this bad before, not even when he was human. If she left him now it would probably destroy him. Finally, Buffy opened her eyes and looked at him. Her serious expression made his stomach drop to his toes, and he prepared for the worst.
She didnât say anything for a long time, just sat there and looked at him. Then, to his amazement, she crawled into his lap and wrapped her arms around his waist, laying her head on his chest, âMaybe it
is
wrong, but I canât say I donât want you. I know Iâve been horribly cold to you and Iâm sorry. Youâre right that I push everyone away. I donât want to be like that anymore. I want to feel again. I want you to help me feel, like you did before. After I came back.â