(a fictional story about fictional characters)
(I realize not all the characters were on the show at the same time, but since this a complete work of fiction: let's pretend.)
*
It was New Years Eve 1978 and the talk of Point Place, Wisconsin was that Kitty Foreman had succeeded in persuading her usually sourpuss husband Red to throw a party welcoming in 1979. Well, not really the whole town, but certainly anyone who was even remotely acquainted with Red, and was familiar with his kill-joy attitude. The reason Red had finally acquiesced was that the Minnesota Vikings were playing the Rams that evening and he knew he would be occupied in front of the TV, so his contact with the intruders in his house would be minimal. His beloved Packers had lost the Division to the Vikings and he was hoping for a rout by Los Angeles. Kitty was the extrovert of the couple and had long wanted to expand their social activities: she was a "people person" and enjoyed being a host. She had prepared all the food herself and Red had readily agreed to serve as bartender (as soon as the game was over).
As the guests began to arrive, Red barely paid attention to who was passing through his front door...he was too intent on watching football on TV. Red's mood was gradually improving as the Rams began to run up the score on the seemingly hapless Vikings. With every Los Angeles score, Red grabbed another beer, which also contributed to his good spirits. His attention was diverted when his annoying neighbor, "Old Brillo Head, Bob Pinciotti came through the door accompanied by his new girlfriend, Pamela Burkhardt. She was the mother of one of his son Eric's friends, Jackie, and she was an absolute knockout in every sense of the word. "How the hell does Bob do it," Red thought as he eyed the tall, leggy Pamela, who could have passed for a fashion model. Dressed in a full length silvery, shimmery gown with a slit all the way up the left side to her waist, she was a walking dream. Her long brown hair fell over bare shoulders and Red could swear she winked at him as he stared up and down at her figure.
About two minutes later Bob's ex-wife, Midge Pinciotti arrived and Red was once again drawn from the TV as she made her grand entrance. Even more gorgeous than Pam, she had a very short glittering red sleeveless dress on that accentuated her incredible legs and enormous breasts; she reminded Red of a "Bond girl." Once again Red shook his head as he marveled at Bob's luck in women. Midge spied Red admiring her and smiled widely at her former neighbor. Despite his interest in the game, Red felt a stirring in his groin. He finished watching the hated Vikings being manhandled by the Rams, happily took his place behind the Foreman's makeshift bar and began to mix drinks for his guests. Besides the Pinciottis, there were a few people he had invited from Pricemart (where he was a manager) and several friends of Kitty's from the hospital where she was employed. Of course, the basement was full of Eric's friends.
As he watched his endlessly cheerful wife Kitty flit from guest to guest, he couldn't help notice that she was becoming increasingly tipsy and almost slurring her words as she continued to consume cocktails. It was nearing eleven o'clock and Kitty was trying to gather everyone around the TV to watch the big lighted ball drop in New York's Times Square. She called to all the kids in the basement to join them, and when they brushed her off, Red yelled down that if they didn't get there asses up the stairs pronto, they would get his foot up their asses. Kitty loved to watch Guy Lombardo on New Year's Eve, and even though he had passed away earlier that year, his Royal Canadians band still performed in the ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. At midnight, they traditionally played "Auld Lang Syne," and everyone kissed as the clock struck twelve. Even though it was only eleven o'clock in Wisconsin they still celebrated it as the New Year.
The closest thing Wisconsin had to the New York lighted ball was the large lighted beer bottle that descended atop the Shotts Brewery building in Milwaukee and when it reached the bottom, a huge wedge of cheese would light up...it just wasn't the same. As the kids (they were all eighteen, but sometimes seemed so immature to Red) trudged up the basement steps to join the party, the Foreman living room became almost crowded. One of Eric's friends, Stephen Hyde, began serving brownies to all the guests and Red was impressed at his generosity as he accepted his chocolate square. "Thanks Stephen," shouted Red above the din of the crowd, "these taste great." Little did Red know that
Hyde's brownies were from the Alice B. Toklas cookbook and the main ingredient was marijuana.
As the big ball dropped and the huge "1979" lit up, everyone in the Foreman house looked for someone to kiss. Red grabbed his beloved wife and was surprised at her tongue reaching down his throat. His son Eric wrapped his arms around his pretty, red-headed girlfriend Donna Pinciotti and the embraced for several minutes. Donna's father Bob seemed to make a big production of embracing Pamela Burkhardt; Hyde coyly kissed Pam's daughter Jackie; Michael Kelso grabbed Red's daughter Laurie and slipped his tongue into her mouth as she roughly squeezed his bottom in both hands; and Fez (the exchange student who never seemed to know what country he was from) found Midge Pinciottis' huge breasts pressed against his chest as her lips ground into his. Taken completely by surprise, Fez responded by grabbing her wonderful ass checks in his hands and squeezing (and was pleasantly surprised when she offered no resistance).
As everyone broke off and began to hug and shake everyone else's hands, offering congratulatory "Happy New Years," Midge nonchalantly kissed Red deeply and gave his crotch a playful squeeze. By this time no one at the party was feeling any pain due to the combination of alcohol and "special" brownies, so Red just shouted, "Happy New Year to you too Pam." He was feeling so good that he told all the teens that they could each have a beer. For the next hour, every time he saw one of them they had, what he assumed, was the same bottle of beer in their hands.
Just after midnight Wisconsin time, as the soundtrack of "Saturday Night Fever" played on the stereo for the tenth time, Kitty pressed a ball of cloth into Red's hand and giddily whispered in his ear, "those are my panties...would you like to meet me upstairs?" He took her hand and she led him up the stairs to their bedroom without anyone even noticing that the hosts had disappeared.
Just five minutes earlier, Red's son Eric had ascended the same stairs following his beautiful girlfriend Donna Pinciotti. Her father, Bob, had insisted that Donna wear a dress to the party and all the way up the stairs Eric was staring up it at her marvelously long legs, attempting to get a glimpse of her panties. All evening he had not been able to take his eyes off her as he watched her bra-less breasts bob up and down inside her blue print party dress. Finally she had stuck her tongue in his ear, grasped his hand, and led him up to his bedroom. Both had consumed several beers and a few brownie squares as their passion peaked. As soon as the door closed behind them, Eric had begun shucking his shirt, shoes and unbuckling his pants. When he was down to his "tighty-whities" and socks he paused to see what his red headed angel was doing.
