Panic attack
You just don’t know how hard it was for me not to blurt out all the perverted things , Tera and I have done over the last few weeks. I guess one of the reasons why I am so attracted to her, is that she doesn’t look like a woman who does what she does. If you never watched porn, or never looked at a Playboy, or Penthouse magazine, you would just assume she is just a very well mannered young woman. That to me,………..God! is such a turn on!
“Well, Jay, at least you don’t have to worry about her fucking around on you. Me, I like sluts, women who will do anything. Women who have no sense of fucking self respect. Women I can degrade, get my dick sucked, fuck and move on to the next one, when I get sick of them.”
“WHAT! ARE YOU LISTNING WHAT YOU ARE SAYING? I thought you were just young and needed to grow up, but after that statement, I have lost all, and I mean all respect for you. How can you go in life with that mentality?”
“Come on man! Woman think the exact same way, but it’s men who are labeled, sexiest and pigs. I guarantee, you precious virgin of yours has done, not thought, but done what I do. Woman don’t care about men. Especially pretty woman. Jay, I like you, but man, I have a lot of experience in the playing field. I don’t want to break your heart, but that girl of yours is too, too, damn pretty, not to have any skeletons in her closet. I’m telling you, your heart is going to break when you find out that she is not all that you expect. Your heart is going to break when you find out she’s fucking around on you. It happen to me, and from that point on, I vowed never to let another woman fuck me up. Your problem is your too nice of a guy Jay, you need to toughen up. See, there are certain paths you have to take to find true happiness in a relationship. You have to start with ugly women, and then gradually work your way to more beautiful ones when you get more experience. You, want the prize without the fight. That girl, what’s her name?”
“Tera.”
“Tera is a woman that a man gets when he has fought a long time for. Jay, you ain’t be fighting long enough for a woman like that. She knows it, and it’s just a matter of time before she realizes, that your not worth her time, because your not what she truly wants.”
I just looked at him. As much as I hated him that moment, his words did make some sense. That cliché, “Nice guys finish last” was something that through time people realized. At that moment, it had felt like my entire world, my hopes and dreams just collapsed, and the wrecking ball was an asshole by the name of Ricco. Damn! All of the sudden, I got a huge knot in my throat, my eyes started to get all watery, my hands were all sweaty. In my mind all sorts of thought were running around. What if’s. What if she was playing me for a fool? What if she had no intention of being with me except for a short time? What if, she was fucking someone on the side? I mean she was, but outside of work. She did it for a living, but what if I was just a guy on the side. What if she was a Ho, for some pimp, and she was just fucking me to pass time while her pimp was pimping his other “Bitches?” GOD! I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know how to act. Do I just demand, from Tera that she tell me what her intentions are with me, and if there not compatible with mine, do I leave? Do I not say anything, and become insecure and paranoid and suspicious, of her when we are not together? There is no one that I can talk to for advise on this. Except one person. The person who can give me the true answers to everything. Tera.
I gotto go. I just can’t stay here tonight. I went to the managers office, and told them I just wasn’t feeling good, and left.
I hailed a cab in Times Square. The ride couldn’t be any slower. It seemed that we hit every light from 42nd and eighth Ave. to 72nd. Finally I made it back to her place. I stood at the entrance, just looking. I mustered up the courage to open the door. As I entered her apartment, I could hear the television, the sound was low. I walked over and cut it off. I stood at the entrance of the bedroom, and marveled at the beautiful sight before me. I started to think, “maybe she is too beautiful for me.” Even if this was to end today, it would have been the best three weeks I have ever had with anyone.
I got undressed and as quietly as I could laid beside her. I moved over close to her and softly kissed her forehead. I ran my hands softly and slowly over her bare skin. I then just stared at this beautiful work of God’s that lay before. “It will be so, so hard to find another woman who can even come to a tenth of what Tera is.”
I just don’t want to look anymore, I just don’t have the energy.
She must have felt my presence there.
“What are you doing back?” She asked in a sleepy voice.
“I said I was sick.”
“Are you?”
“Sick of not being with you.” She smiled.
“There you go with those pick up lines. Give me a kiss.”
I moved over even closer, moved her hair from her face and kiss her on the lips.
“UMMM! Sleepy breath.”
“Make love to me, Jay.”
“How can you wake up wanting to fuck?”
“I didn’t say I wanted to fuck. I said make love to me. There is a difference.”
“To be honest with you, I am just too damn tiered to do anything right now. ……. Wow I never thought I would turn down sex!”
“Tiered or worried about something?”
“What makes you think, I worried about something?”
“Woman’s intuition, and the way you kissed me.”
“You can tell that I’m worried about something, by the way I kissed you?”
“It wasn’t the lustful passionate kiss you have been giving me. So from that, I can tell.”
“Can’t it be that I’m just tiered?”
“Now you’re trying to convince yourself that your not worried, so now I’m convinced your worried about something. What is it?”
“Nothing. I’m just going to sleep.”
I laid on my back and closed my eyes. Tera rested her head on my chest and feel asleep. Tomorrow, I have to talk to her. I opened my eyes and then took a deep breath in. “God she smells so good.” I gently ran my hands through her hair. Then softly rubbed her back . This girl is just too wonderful. Everything that I want, she possesses.
I started to think, maybe Ricco was right, maybe I hadn’t worked long enough to be here with her.
I woke up around ten thirty. Tera had left for her photo shoot. She left a note on the dresser, telling me to meet her at the Tower Record store at W4th and Broadway around one. I went into the bathroom to get washed up. Taking a shower alone was just too boring. So I just splashed water on my face, and brushed my teeth.
I left the apartment around twelve. I took the 1/9 Downtown train to Times Square, and transferred to the Downtown "N". I got off at the 8th st stop and walked back four blocks to the Tower record. As I entered the store through the revolving door, I could see Tera standing at one of the listening stations. She wore a lime green sun dress, that just lightly covered her body. As I entered the store, I noticed three or four guys staring at her, like they wanted to say something. Now being a guy, I had to show that this woman was with me. So I walked up behind her, and grabbed her. I leaned down and kissed her neck. She turned around, and gave me a huge welcome hug.