My Love 31

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This is actually a dream I had a while back. Sometimes I have very long and complicated dreams, like film scripts or novels like this one. I'm Swedish but this dream was actually in English, you'll have to excuse any incorrect language.

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- Hello...?

- ...

- Hello!

- What?

- I said hello!

- What... Who...?

Silence. Then again, a voice, in my head. I've never heard it before. Strange, what's going on? Why am I hearing this voice, what is it. What was it? I'll try to answer it.

- Yes. What, who, are you?

- Not an easy question, I'm not sure you'd...

- But... Where are you from, why are you talking to me, how...?

- I don't know if...

And then the voice was gone. I was in this state between sleep and awake, when you're not sure if you're still asleep or if you're really aware of what's going on around you. I decided to discard this mornings conversation as a dream although the feeling of something... odd was going on. Maybe even sinister?

This was the morning of my eighteenth birthday so there was a lot going on that day to keep my mind occupied. I had friends coming over and of course my family, mom and dad and my little brother. There were presents, good food, a cake and everyone was happy. A good day, all in all. At the end of the day I was pretty tired and I was even longing to get to bed, in spite of having to end the festivities.

The next morning the voice came back. I thought I'd forgotten about it but it felt so familiar right away, so comforting. Not at all awkward or irritating as I'd expected yesterday had it come back. It welcomed me, just as the first time.

- Hello, dear?

- Yes?

- Are you awake?

- Eeh, yes?

And then the voice was gone! This time I wanted it to stay, I wanted to know more, what was this, where's it from, who...? I wanted to get to the bottom of this strange voice thing in my head. During the day I could hardly think of anything else except the voice which I now thought was something good for me. I wanted it to be good anyway. I was sure, very sure, I kept talking myself into assurance, that it was good for me.

The third morning. Actually, the night before I could hardly get to sleep because of the anticipation of what would possibly happen the third morning. So when I heard the voice again I felt a jolt of happiness, although this time the voice was a bit commanding.

- Good morning, dear. No, don't open your eyes, don't... open your eyes!

- What? Open my eyes, why shouldn't I?

- It'll ruin it. Please, trust me, I know.

- OK, but why? What do you mean?

- Let me explain.

He, for it was a mans voice, didn't say anything for a while but I could feel his presence so I kept my eyes shut and waited. After a little while he started telling me what it was about, him being there.

- It's like this. I know it'll sound strange to you but please hear me out.

- OK, tell me. I said with a hint of disbelief.

By now I was really expecting a full explanation. If he didn't have a good reason for intruding my mind I would have been very cross with him, I think he understood that.

- I have this power to visit you. I can do so every morning. I will do so every morning until you ask me, tell me, not to. There's just one thing I have to ask of you. No, actually two things. The first is that you don't open your eyes, you know that already. The other is that you don't tell anyone about what I am, what I do, that I come to you. Can you do that?

- Eeh, sure. Well, I think I can do that, it would depend on what you are. And what you'll do to me? Are you dangerous to me?

I couldn't believe what a stupid question to ask. But his reply was so sincere and honest that I took it that he didn't mind what I thought to myself was such a lame question not to mention rude.

- I can promise you I'm not bad for you.

- That sound OK to me.

I kept my eyes shut hard to make sure he wouldn't go away, I really wanted him to stay with me. His voice was so soothing, sounded so friendly, felt so warming, that I really wanted him to keep talking to me. By now I realized, startled, why he had gone the first two mornings; I had opened my eyes! I told him of my revelance and he gave a small laughter and said he was sure I'd realize it before long. He'd give me time to find it out for my self, he said. But when asked why I had to keep my eyes shut he told me he didn't know why that was, it puzzled him as well. And I believed him. In any case, at that time, it didn't matter to me, I was just happy he was there.

This kept on for a while but after what seemed a too short a time I knew I had to get up for breakfast and school. We said we'd meet again tomorrow, which we did. I asked him then if it'd be OK if I set my alarmclock a little earlier so that we could have more time together and he said that as long as I had had my nights sleep it'd be OK. He was so concerned with my wellbeing, I thought to myself. A gentleman, no doubt. I felt safe with him.

My mom asked me, smiling at me, if I had had pleasant dreams, seeing me so cheerful at the breakfast table. I knew I couldn't tell her about my morning conversations, I just knew it. I hadn't really promised him but I knew he was telling me the truth, I just couldn't tell, not my mom, not my best friend, not anyone. So I just said yes and smiled back at her as I grabbed the bread and poured myself a glass of milk. I had no idea what she meant by "pleasant dreams" but that didn't matter, she could think whatever she liked. She was a very good mother to me so she'd let it pass.

School went on and on, I thought it'd never end, I wanted to get back home quickly and get to bed and have the next mornings chat with my new friend. Suddenly I realized I was thinking about him all the time, neglecting school. The teacher came and interrupted my dreams, brought me back to reality. I was surprised at the way I had been daydreaming, I used to be very attentative in class. I pulled myself together and got back on track.

That night I got to bed a little earlier than I usually did, set the clock a bit earlier, too, and woke up with his voice right after the alarm went off. And I was quite awake right away.

- Good morning, dear.

- Good morning! See, I've been a good girl. I've slept all night, I didn't tell anyone and now I have my eyes shut.

- Yes, but you were daydreaming in school.

- What? How...?

- Well, I'm with you all the time, dear.

- Wait a minute. You're saying you're always with me? What are you? Are you playing tricks on me, am I going mad?

- No no no, I'm just someone who you'll get used to having around. Just follow the rules and you'll be fine. You'll be fine, dear.

Well, his voice was still so reassuring that I was content with his answer. He continued.

- You don't need to worry about who I am or where I'm from, I can't tell you anyway, you wouldn't understand. Just follow the rules and trust me... Besides, it's just as well you cannot talk to me other than when in bed, alone. Imagine if someone were to hear you talk to me...?

- I guess you're right. OK, well I think you're fine, I don't mind having you here to talk to. It's just so strange that you disappear as soon as I open my eyes.

- Hmm, yes. Well, I think we'll have to live with that.

- Yes...

- There is one other thing I can do, though.

- Aha, what?

- Now, don't get alarmed, I will be ever so gentle. Remember to keep your eyes closed, all the time.

- OK, I promise.

I was very surprised at what happened, it really startled me. All of a sudden I felt a hand on mine. A mans hand, his hand, I'm sure. It actually felt as if it was there, so warm and real, the texture of his skin, soft and smooth. It made me feel warm all over. His hand caressed mine gently. Not a word was said. I felt my pulse raise as well as my breath grew deeper. Then he spoke again.

- Does it feel good, my dear?

- Oh, yes, it does. Are you here with me now? I mean, really here?

- Yes, now I am here with you.

Hearing this gave a jolt of excitement in my stomach and I could feel the warmth of his whole body, close to mine. Not touching but as close as ever, inducing his body heat upon mine. I just laid there, silent, enjoying this new feeling. A whole new experience, I had never had a man this close before, at least not this way. Not at all this way, in many senses. There had been dancing before, a boy holding me in his fumbly sort of way, trying to steer me around the floor in what was supposed to be dancing. I had liked him anyway, at least he was gentle with me and tried his best. Afterwards he had apologized for his feeble attempts at dancing and I had blushed at his politeness, feeling a bit awkward. Now, with this new feeling, this new touch, this new whatever it was I didn't blush but was feeling, oh, so content, he was so comforting. I don't know how long we just laid there but my mom called and woke me up from my very first physical encounter with my new friend. I had to get up.

- I must go to school

- I know.

- I'll be seeing you tomorrow?

- You'll be feeling me tomorrow!

- Mmm, yes, right, you're right, I'll be feeling you tomorrow. I really hope so.

- Rest assure, you will. That is, if you want to. Remember, it's all up to you. You can ask me to leave anytime and I won't bother you again.

- Oh, no, I want you to stay with me!

- I will.

And then I opened my eyes and he was instantly gone. I didn't feel his hand anymore and the warmth of his body was gone as well as his voice. I felt a bit cold and alone. Very much alone. I had to think about what was happening, sort things out. This was scary, really frightening when I started to think about how it had affected me so far. A voice, so clear, his touch, so real, his warmth, oh, so sweet. And that he was always with me, knew what I was doing, where I was, what I was thinking even. I decided there and then that I couldn't let this go on any longer, I had to stop it. Tomorrow I'd tell him to go away. Yes, that's all for the best. He'd only be disturbing me, distracting me from my school duties, upsetting me. But then again, he was so honest, so beautiful. Oh, heck, I didn't know what to do, I really didn't.

I got up, got dressed, had my breakfast and went to school. I was at my very best, studying hard, answered all questions put to me, very attentative. I found myself not thinking of him at all. Well, not more than moments of the realization that I didn't. That night I was still unsure what to tell him the following morning. He greeted me in his now familiar way.

- Good morning dear. I hope you've slept well?

- Hrm, good morning. You know if I've slept well, don't you? I mean, you know everything about me, right?

- Ha ha, not really. I'm with you, not in you although it may seem that way, me having my voice in your head.

- Well, yes, are you not inside me?

- No, dear, I'm not. It's just that it's easier for me to talk to you from inside, at least to begin with. Do you want me to talk to you from outside of your head?

- I... I don't know. What would it be like?

Yet another surprise. When he spoke again it was very close to my ear, I could feel his breath in my ear. He was there again, close to me, very close. Again I could feel his body heat.

- This is what it would sound like.

I couldn't let any sound come across my lips, I was dumbstruck.

- Don't you like it, dear?

- Yes, I like it. I like it very much, I love it.

- Thought so...

- Tell me more about who you are.

- Hmm, I'm not sure how to tell you what I am. I'm not sure you'd understand.

- But, where are you from?

- I'm from everywhere. And nowhere.

I was enjoying his voice immenslessly. My whole body was shivering with every word he whispered in my ear, tingeling in my spine, filling my body with pleasantries, making me quiver. I was quite surprised at my response. Again, new feelings started to raise in my body. In parts of my body I didn't know too much about.

- Please, touch my hand again.

- Like this?

- Oh, yes, that feels so good.

- Or do you like it better like this?

His fingers started journeying from my hand and up my arm, slowly. When he got to my shoulder I couldn't lay still any longer, I started to move, automatically, almost as if I couldn't control my body anymore. What was this he did to me? And now his hand was on my neck, caressing lightly, a soft gentle touch, almost tickeling me. I felt his every finger, one by one, moving slowly across my face, touching my lips. Oh, touching my lips! I was almost exploding. I did explode! Something happened, down there. I got afraid, I opened my eyes... Oh, damn it, I opened my eyes! He was gone. I cursed myself, over and over. But the feeling of his hand, his fingers, had been so real, and what had he done to me? What was that feeling down there? I had never had it like that before. This was all new, this too. So many things had happened these few last days. I was really confused, bewildered. I was also feeling so good, like a sweet summers day, like strawberries and milk, like an encouraging comment from someone you like. This day would be great.

And it was. Everything went on without problems, I was cheerful and happy all day. My mother asked me again if I had had pleasant dreams, as she put it. This morning I could tell her that that was true. She was a very good mother, understanding me almost all the time. I guess she remembered her own youth. But for this I was sure she didn't know of my new friend. I certainly hoped she didn't. Dad was OK, too. He always supported me, giving me lots of space to be myself. I think he was different from other girls' dad's as I found out when we were comparing our parents. At school all my friends thought I was happy as ever and I spread my hapiness succesfully to all of them. I sped through the day effortlessly and welcomed the night as the day drew nearer bedtime. I couldn't wait to meet my man again. It struck me as odd that I was able at all to fall asleep, maybe he helped me? Maybe he helped me with a lot of things, in ways that I didn't know about?

The next morning he was there again. The very moment the alarmclock sounded he was there, only now he really was there, physically, in my bed, close to me! It's so strange, I told him, how can you be here and only here, not anywhere else? How can you be with me and yet not be with me? As we laid there talking I was more or less forced to accept things as they were, he wouldn't let me in on any secrets and what he gave me was so sweet that I honestly couldn't, and certainly wouldn't, call it off in any case. We talked about what had happened the morning before and much to my surprise it didn't feel awkward at all to talk to him about it. It felt as natural as anything. He explained in his all-knowing sort of way, obviously he had lots of experience in any area. I wondered how old he was, asked him. He said that he didn't really know and that it wasn't important, age has got nothing to do with anything what we do to each other, feeling and giving is everything. As he said that he gave me more of the explosive experience, now with his wonderful hands all over me. What he did to me, oh, I can only say that it was lucky my room was a bit to the side in our house. My cries would have awaken everyone had it been otherwise.

And so it went on. Every morning he was there, giving me so much, starting my day in this beautiful way, charging me with a lifeforce so strong that I never had a trouble that was too big to overcome. Soon he was there, all over me, not only his hands, his breath, his warmth, but also his whole body, every part of it, even that part. The first time he came into me, he was so gentle, letting me take the time to relax. He had told me that it would take time, lots of time. So that morning, the very morning when I had him, truly had him, for the first time, we started out very early, hours before getting-up time. Such sweet memories...

- Yes, I remember every morning.

- Not every morning, come on, be serious!

- Well, OK, I'm cheating. I do look in my diary every day as I write in it, you know.

- Yes, I know, my dear, I know.

- You also know that you've been the best lover one could ever have.

- You're so kind to me. Does that mean you love me?

- Yes, it does, I do love you.

- And all this talk from friends and family and their concern, "You're living on your own, will you ever find a man to marry and have children", has never bothered you, has it?

- Sometimes it has, but it's OK, my life has been good. I could have told you goodbye at any time, at least that's what you've told me I could, but I would never do that, you're too good to loose. And for what?

- Well, it has always been your choice. I have only told you your options and you've decided what to do.

- I think I've taken the right choices, I'm content with what I've been given. Eventhough I've never seen you!

- And now I'm with you for the very last time.

- Yes.

- Doesn't that scare you the least?

- No, it doesn't. I know you'll be with me 'til the very end.

- Yes, I will.

- And at my age, to have a lover like you, that's pretty amazing. I do not think my friends have quite the same thing.

- Ha ha, you're probably right.

- Tomorrow morning will be the very last time. Where will you go then?

He is silent at this question. I had never put it to him before. I had had the thought, where would he go when I'm gone, is there some other being controlling him, telling him what to do, whom to encounter, where to turn, but I had never asked him. Doing this now sort of put an end to our relationship and it felt a bit sad to our hearts. He's holding me, tight, as if I'd fly away if he'd let go of me. Tears flowing from our eyes as we fall asleep.

Morning. My last morning. I don't know why, I just know it. I'm 98 years old, I've had my man for 80 years. Every morning he has been there for me. Close to me. Warming me. Giving me pleasure, even now that I'm an old, wrinkled hag. Always cheerful, encouraging me. This last morning, I will let him go...

- You don't have to say a word dear, I know how you feel.

- You always know how I feel, that's one of the good things about you.

- Do you want me to make love to you, one last time?

- Yes. I want to have you one more time, then I'll let you go to where ever you're going.

And as he's giving me the very best of love I whisper in his ear:

- I have found a name for you. I want to call you My Love...