I ____ You

I'm confused.

I'm in that stage, when one is falling in love, which you can't quite figure everything out. Sure, the sky is still blue and the sun still shines, but there are so many new emotions to deal with.

Where do I start? How do I even begin to express everything inside of me? So many thoughts are swirling inside my head, it is almost impossible for me to decipher any of them. But there is one thought which comes to the surface, time and time again. Can I say it?

Of course I can say it. Should I say it? Now that is another matter completely. We both feel it, I know that without a doubt. But maybe the best decision would be to leave it unsaid. I mean, it can only complicate things further than they already are, right?

How long have we known one another? A month perhaps. And known, I should really say "known". God, what a cruel fact. 1502 miles. I hate that number more than anyone can know. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

And when I start to cry, I imagine you coming to me, wrapping your loving arms around me, and pressing your body into mine, conveying all your thoughts and emotions into me with a tight hug. My heart beats faster, I can feel my blood pressure rise, but if I could only feel you for real!

Isn't that the most cruel thing of all? That goddamned distance. If not for it, this would be so much easier.

When we aren't talking, I think of you. During my day, even as busy as it normally is, I find myself busy with thoughts of you. Can you believe it? During the most mundane tasks, I think about you, and how you make me feel.

And though we've never even met, you've accomplished something that people here with me cannot - you have made me feel. At night I dream about your touch upon my skin and how good it makes me feel. If only my dreams could become a reality.

I hate to play the "what if" game, but at this point I cannot avoid it any longer. What if we were closer? Why do I even tease myself with those thoughts? Why do we tease ourselves with those thoughts.

It's almost like torture, the way I ache for you. Why are we subjecting ourselves to this. Should we just agree to be friends and walk away, only talking every once in a while? Can I survive without air? NO! As smart as that would be, I do not believe I am capable of going through with it. You have become a valuable part of my life.

I feel like I have this illness, and the only cure is you, and your presence. My heart aches when I wait to hear from you. I cannot imagine what a day without talking to you would be like.

God. God! Why? If only these stupid tears could do something useful. I want you here, next to me, with me. I want to share everything I can with you, not just limit it to conversations.

Oh, but those conversations. We would be nowhere without them. You have figured me out, discovered the way to my heart. And at first, everything was just friendly conversation about my stupid neighbor. I'm thankful you IMed me that day, that day - I don't even remember what day it was. I figured it was just simple conversation. I explained that I didn't want anything sexual or intimate, and you were fine with that. So that's how it was.

And now, over that slight amount of time, we've shared many sexual experiences. God, you turn me on so much it isn't even funny. The way you tell me what to do, the sound of your voice, I am intoxicated by it. As much as I love to tease, I also like to be instructed, and you know how to do it.

Listening to you tell me what to do to myself, while you tell me what you are doing to my body pushes me over the edge every time. I love being on the phone with you while we masturbate. Do you know what I would give to make it reality?

I dream about your touch, your taste. God yes, I fantasize about your kiss, what your tongue feels like, what it tastes like. I dream of kissing you for hours upon end. My sense is that I would be just as satisfied kissing you, making out, as I would if we were to make love.

Oh, and to make love...the simple thought of it makes me weak in the knees; my heart pounds, and my eyes close as my mind takes a break from reality. The things I would do to you...

How many times have you made me cum? And while I cum frequently, we have to examine that more deeply. It isn't about quantity, because god knows I had quantity before we met. The quality of orgasms you give me are exceptional. Do you remember the other day, when you kept urging me to keep going, keep going, and I came so long, and so hard, that I broke down and cried? I soaked the sheets? I had never done that before, and you gave it to me. I feel that word for you because of that. But not just because of that. I know you understand, but it's so hard to convey my exact thoughts and feelings especially because I'm so afraid to use that word!

It's just a word, right? And if I say it, it's not going to end the world, and life will continue on. But what about the repercussions of it? We are so far apart. Will we ever meet? I'm sure if we say the word, we will make sure we do. But what happens then? What if it doesn't work out the way we imagine it will every night? Who knows why, but I think it's a valid fear. And if we leave it unsaid, we will continue to have our hearts scream at us.

One word. Put into a sentence, three words total. I feel it, I know I do. I'm just so freakin' afraid to say it. It's almost as though as soon as it is said, the floodgates will open, and god only knows what will happen afterwards.

And what if we meet other people in our regular, day to day lives? You know as well as I do it's a possibility. Although you seem to think it'll happen to me first, I truly believe that it could happen with you too. And it's also a fear of mine. What if I put myself out on the line and get crushed when you reveal to me that you've found someone closer to you, someone you can actually be with?

Oh, the thought kills me. And I know you worry about it too. The way you lightly joke about it belies how serious a concern it is for you.

I know if I make the revelation to you complete, that I would stay true. I would expect the same from you. We both seem so compatible in that way. We have so many similarities when it comes to just us, the way we are, the way we feel about things. Especially when it comes to relationships.

And now, even without voicing it, I feel like you are my boyfriend, my far off, distant lover. Aside from the fact we talk every day and night, I think I know what it must have felt like for couples way back in the day before high speed technology, like phones and the internet.

I ache for you. I need you. I ____ you. Baby, I just can't say it right now. I know you will understand. I know this is a situation where only time will tell. I'm impatient, and I want to fast forward to that moment.