06

I stumble back into Rat & Raven, a lost cause.

For all my bluster earlier, I can't stay away. I have no other ideas, anyway. Where would I go? The coast? I have some gas now, but not enough to make it all the way there. And even if I did, it's not like there's anything there waiting for me.

"The coast" was just an idea, a thought, a figment. There was never anything there for me. Just the ocean. See, I've never been to the ocean before. I'm a midwesterner, tried and true. We have beaches, sure. Lake beaches. Lake Superior is pretty close to an ocean to the naked eye, but it's not the same. It's not what I really want to see.

Like everything else in life, I want the real thing.

But other than sating my strange fascination, there was never any point to it. It was just an excuse to run away. I can keep going that way and run out of gas a quarter of the way there, or I can go hang out with the hottie who is waiting for me at four, who is warm and tempting and inviting, who has food and a place for me to stay the night.

Honestly, there was never really a choice to begin with. From the moment I left, I was always going to go back to Addy's. Who am I kidding?

"Hey, Lamb!" her face lights up as she hears the bell jingle and sees me enter. "My very favorite customer."

I blush furiously. "Oh, please. I'm sure you say that to all the--" it's only then that I notice there are several other faces staring my way. Sitting on the couches to the left are a handful of teens and twenty-somethings, all leaning over a pile of books, loose papers, and a large foldout of something or other. Sitting on a stool in front of the counter is someone with long violet dreadlocks and a ton of piercings--nostril, septum, eyebrow, lips, snake bites, you name it. They have the lean build of an athlete, with toned arms and legs that make mine look like pool noodles. They look about the same age and height as Addy, but where Addy is all soft curves and smooth, pale skin, the only curves this person can claim are well-defined muscles.

The teens in the corner all go back to huddling over whatever they're up to. Addy and her friend continue to whisper back and forth as I make my way over. I wither under their gaze, timid little lamb as I am. "Lamb, this is my friend Val. I told you about them earlier." Addy nudges Val and motions to me. "Val, this is that adorable little lamb I happened to take in this morning."

"You're right," Val says as they look me over, wearing a shit-eating grin. "They are a real cutie."

"Name's Lum, actually," I squeak.

"I'm glad you came back. I was beginning to worry you fueled up and skipped town," Addy says, although her cocky grin speaks otherwise. "So what'd you wind up doing?"

I bite my tongue, recalling my shameful display at the library. "I, uhh, took out a book to kill the time," I explain, revealing the romance novel tucked underneath my armpit. Addy takes one look at it and her smile vanishes for just a moment--a real blink-and-you'd-miss-it moment that I just happened to catch. I can't tell what she was looking at precisely. Was it the title? The art of the two characters on the cover? The library label?

Regardless, she recovers herself quickly. "Oh. Cool."

"Oh, I've read that one!" Val coos. "Pretty steamy, Lum."

I squirm. Oh, I know.

After a silent beat, Addy clears her throat. "Welp. Time to lock up. Val, care to do the honors while you're here? I'd like to attend to my little Lamb."

Val rolls their eyes with a knowing smile. "Sure, no problem. Hey nerds," they call out to the people in the back, raising their voice to pierce through the music. "Time to pack it in. You don't have to dungeon crawl at home, but you can't dungeon crawl here."

So that's what they were up to. I should have realized. The piles of loose paper and the occasional clattering of something on the table is pretty obvious, now that I think about it. I was too fixated on Addy to even notice. Even now, I can barely take my eyes off of her. She's wearing that smirk again, that "I got what you want and I know it" smirk that I just can't get enough of. I want to kiss it right off of her.

No. Bad Lum. She's just offering you a place to stay for the night because she's kind and she's taking pity on you. You're a lost lamb, not an object of desire. Last time you tried to be somebody's plaything, it was a disaster. Not again, no more.

The teens all groan and start packing up their things, stuffing papers into folders, dice into bags, hardcover manuals into backpacks. One of them--the dungeon master, judging from her place at the head of the table--heads over to the counter and places a twenty dollar bill on the counter. She's a tiny little thing with big round glasses and a messy brown mullet, her hair curling at the ends. "Thanks again for letting us play here, Addy."

Addy shakes her head and pushes the twenty back. "You know your money's no good here. You're family. This space is yours, always."

The girl beams and takes the money back. "You're the best." She notices me for the first time, looking me over with a bit of a blush, and pulls one of her curly fringe bangs behind her ear, tucking it under her glasses. It pops out a moment later of its own accord. "Hey. I'm Rey."

"Lum." This girl is adorable. I kinda want to keep her in my pocket. Lil' pocket geek. "Rey, like, Star Wars?"

She flushes red and nods. "Urusei Yatsura?" she says back, referencing the anime my name is taken from.

I nod with a grin. Damn, she knows her stuff. "Nice to meet you. It's cool you get to play in a place like this."

Addy is watching the conversation like a kid in a zoo watching monkeys interacting, mouth hung slightly open in a surprised grin. "Would you...maybe like to play with us sometime?" Rey asks, pushing her glasses up her nose. Shit, that's cute.

"Hell yeah!" I say reflexively. Then I realize what I just agreed to and stammer out, "I mean, um, I might not be in town too long. Just passing through."

"Oh," Rey says, glancing back and forth between me and Addy like she's just realizing something for the very first time. "Oh, oh, no worries, I just mean, like, if you ever, you know. Um. Wanted to, like. Nevermind." She trails off and slugs her backpack over her shoulder. "Seeya, Addy! And nice to meet you, Lum."

See you around, I almost say, but that's the thing: I won't, will I? I'm just staying the night and then heading out in the morning. If I can scrounge up the cash. Maybe one more day helping Addy out to repay her for letting me stay and that's it.

Rey and the rest of her party duck out of the café, a series of bell jingles in their wake. All of a sudden, it feels very quiet in here. Finally, Addy drops a hand to my shoulder and rocks me back and forth, gasping. "She liiiiiikes you! Ohmygod, Rey has a crush on you. This is amazing. You're amazing."

I give Addy a look that I can only imagine is one of shock, but it must not come off that way, because Addy bursts out in laughter. "No, you don't understand," she says in between chuckles, "Val and I have been trying to set that girl up for ages. Dating pool in this town's not exactly huge, especially for people like us. Girl's more pent up than a pipe about to burst. Now I'm doubly glad you stopped by."

Does that mean Addy isn't interested? Shut up, brain. Of course Addy isn't interested, look at her. She's a punk goddess and you're a disaster.

"All right, all right," Val chimes in. "You two get out of here. I'll lock up."

"Shall we?" Addy offers me her arm.

Okay, this is stupid, but I've never been offered an arm to hang on before. I've only ever been the hangee, not the hanger, if that makes sense. I'm not used to this dynamic. I'm used to having to fake the kind of confidence someone wants to see in a lover. The boldness, the charisma, the charm. Basically everything Addy is and I am not. And that's just the thing: it's not me. I can't do it. I always end up crumbling, and when I crumble, so does everything else, too. It's what happened with Jules. It's what happened with Hannah.

But this is different. Addy doesn't care about that. She knows me at my worst--out of money, out of gas, on the run, nowhere to go--and she still wants me to hang on her arm.

It's not even a question. I slip my arm around hers, smiling like I haven't smiled in years. She leads me through the back and up a narrow set of stairs. Twinkling LED lights are wrapped around the banister, changing to a different color of the rainbow every so often. When we reach the top, Addy unlocks the door and guides me into her apartment.

With the flick of a single switch, the place comes alive in a way I never would have expected. Soft hues fill the space, obscured slightly by a canopy of translucent multicolored veils that disperse the light and bathe the room in color. Music--slow, quiet, jazzy--drifts out of a speaker somewhere, or I swear to Gods, it's coming from the walls themselves. A sliding door to my right is open to reveal a wonderfully plush bed overflowing with pillows. Further ahead, there's a small kitchen, a modest TV, and two couches that look suspiciously similar to the ones downstairs. The walls are covered in band posters and artwork, lots of nudes, lots of queer shit. At the far end is the very same set of windows I'd spotted from the street earlier this morning. I give captain skelly-man another salute.

It's small, homely. Nobody would ever say Addy lives in luxury. But godsdamn did she ever make this space hers. I've only known her for a day, and even I know this place fits her perfectly.

"This is it," she says softly. "Make yourself at home."

I lock up for a second, just long enough for Addy to notice. Sometimes when I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, my thoughts take control. A million things race through my head. Most of them are things like: you're intruding on her space, she doesn't really want you here, she's just being nice, you should leave her alone. But Addy just locks her fingers with mine and slides her thumb across the back of my hand. It's hot to the touch. "Hey." I snap my eyes back to hers and find myself getting lost in them. "It's totally fine. I want you here."

My brain, idiot it is, doesn't believe her. "Really? It's not a bother?"

She smirks. "There's nowhere else I'd rather you be."

I can't help it anymore. The hottest girl imaginable wants me in her apartment. My knees wobble. Why? I want to say, but instead I swallow hard and continue to stare at her face, her soft hazel eyes, her lips, her cheekbones, her lips, her pointed chin, gods, her lips--

"So," Addy practically whispers, breaking the spell we are apparently both under. "Wanna get comfy?"

Oh. My heart rushes. Oh my. She's not breaking the spell. She's the one casting it.

*****

I'm in Addison Grey's apartment.

I know I only just met her today, but I feel as though I've been crushing on this girl my entire life. It's the same butterflies in my stomach I got when Natalie A. invited me over to her place to "help her study" when I was in 8th grade. My heart is racing in my chest. I'm scrutinizing every single part of me: my clothes, my hair, my posture, my voice, all of it.

But Addy just gave me that warm, knowing smile, and somehow--unlike the night I ran away from Natalie A's house in tears--I know she's accepting me. Fully.

How does somebody even have that effect after just a single day?

She emerges from her bedroom wearing a one-size-too-large Nirvana tanktop and a pair of boyshorts that leaves her legs bare, and I try and fail to keep my gaze level. As she stretches, I catch sight of unshaven armpits and more than a little bit of sideboob. "All yours," she says, leaving the bedroom door open to change in.

"I don't, um, have much in the way of clothes," I admit. "Pajamas, I mean." Sure, just pajamas. It's not like I brought only a single backpack filled with maybe three outfits and anything else I could grab.

"Oh. No worries. You can grab something of mine." She motions to her dresser. "Top drawer's got sweatpants and shorts, drawer under that for shirts."

I nod and take a step into her bedroom. The door closes gently behind me. Okay, now I'm in Addy's bedroom. To borrow her clothes. No big deal. Definitely not freaking out a little.

Her bedroom is as I expected--covered from floor to ceiling in band posters, movie posters, and what looks like a series of anti-fascist posters from an old anarchist magazine. I open the top drawer of her dresser and grab the first pair of sweatpants I find, my fingers brushing against a lacy pair of panties. I break out into a sweat. My face must be burning hot right now. I push the panties down to the bottom of the drawer so she doesn't think I went browsing through her underwear. At the bottom of the drawer, my hand finds purchase--something hard and cylindrical and kind of--

Ooops. I drop the dildo at about the same time I pull it out, a quiet yelp emerging from my lips as I do. It thuds onto the floor. "Everything alright in there?" Addy calls out to me."

"J-just fine!" I yell back, picking up the--wow, that is a big one--it's one of the kinds with a second little nub of plastic that presses up against your clit while you're--nope, not thinking about that right now--and I frantically stuff it right back where it came from. Then it's onto the next drawer, from which I grab an overly long Misfits t-shirt and call it a night. My bra comes off (yes! finally!) and I worm my way out of my skinny jeans, swapping out my panties for boyshorts from my backpack. I emerge in my new ensemble and catch the sight of my beet-red face in the hallway mirror.

I step into her living room, which is also part kitchen, and find Addy sprawled on her couch, a movie already queued up on the TV across from her. She pats the seat next to her, but her face skews in concern when she glances my way. "Is it too warm in here?"

"Huh?" Good job, Lum, you're so godsdamn eloquent.

"The heat. You're sweating. I like to keep it up pretty high, is it too hot for you?" She asks, and now that she mentions it, it's kinda sweltering in here, and no, I'm not thinking about how it's because of how ludicrously hot Addy is, thank you very much. How does she lie under blankets with her thermostat set to eighty?

I shrug. "I'm fine. It's fine."

One of her eyebrows shoots up her forehead, but she relents. "Well, just let me know. Happy to turn it down a little. Now c'mere and talk to me. Why're you all the way out here with no money and only a backpack to your name? Is everything all right?" Her voice is thick with concern. I can tell she's not trying to pry. She just wants to know if I'm okay.

"Not really," I say, slumping onto the cushion next to her. I practically melt into the leather of her couch. Gods, I could sleep right here, after the day I've had. "It's a long story."

"I hear that. Well, I'm here for you if you want to give me the short version. But no pressure."

I sigh, then take in a long breath. Here goes. "I kinda...broke up with my girlfriend, quit my job, and then got into a big fight with my family and told them to go to hell?"

Addy blinks. "Whoa. That's a lot. All at once?"

"All at once," I reply. "On the same day. That was...last Wednesday," I say, counting days on my fingers. Just five days ago. Five days after my life blew up, and here I am.

"Did something happen, or...was it just not working out for you?"

I shrug. Something indeed happened. Something to the tune of my ex cheating on me, my boss chewing me out for something that wasn't my fault, me quitting in a huff, and then my parents blaming everything on me because "well, clearly she wasn't getting what she needed out of you," and "you're throwing away your future" and so on.

Whatever. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. "I'm...not ready to talk about it."

Addy's face falls--not because she doesn't get to know, but because of the tremble in my voice, the hurt that must be showing on my face. "Lamb, can I hug you? You seem like you need a hug."

I nod vigorously. Gods, I could use a hug. Squeeze the life out of me. Crush me please.

She leans in and wraps her arms around me. I rest my chin on her shoulder and let myself weep. It all comes rushing back: discovering the truth, the fighting, the arguing, storming off. I'd do it all again the same way if I had to go back. But it hurts all the same.

"I'm so, so sorry," she whispers into my ear. Despite it all, I smile. Because no matter what shit happened to me then, now, right now, I get to be held by Addison fucking Grey. I sink into her, letting her warmth and her scent overwhelm me. And you know what? That does make things a little better. Just a little.

She's so hot to the touch, it feels like a cold breeze when she lets go. "Well. You're welcome to stay here as long as you need while you get your bearings." I begin to protest, but she places a finger on my lips. "Nuh-uh, Lamb. I insist. You need a place to stay right now, and I can provide. Besides, I like having company."

"But--"

"Don't worry, I intend to put you to work. You can help around the Rat & Raven for a bit if you like. That'll cover things, right?"

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Is this girl for real? "You've only just met me. What if I'm a serial murderer or something?"

Addy smirks. "If you're a serial murderer, then you're a damn good liar, because I'm pretty convinced you're as harmless as they come." She lets out a belly laugh while I pout. "I mean it as a compliment, Lamb."

"I know," I say with a sigh. "Look, I really can't thank you enough. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I can't even begin to pay you back."

She shakes her head and places her hand on my knee. "Your company is enough." It's then I realize how close she still is to me. Her shoulder leans against mine. Her breath mingles with mine. My eyes snap down to her lips and back. Hers do the same. I imagine leaning closer, my lips meeting hers, her hand squeezing my thigh--Wait, what is happening right now?

I spring backward and hop to my feet. "I, uh, I should, um, wash up," I stutter, then run to the bathroom. Smooth, Lum. Very smooth. I splash cold water onto my face and bury myself in a hand towel to hide my shame. Am I really trying to make out with this girl who is very obviously just helping me through a rough patch? I know that's not what she's expecting; she's way too considerate and kind to just be exchanging a place to stay for a quick lay. Not that I haven't been forced to do that very thing before, but this is different. I feel a connection here. Does she? I shake my head and give myself a gentle, but forceful slap. Stop doing that, I chide myself.

The rest of the night is not nearly as eventful. I return to the couch feeling stupid for wanting something so obviously wrong and zone out watching the sitcom Addy has pulled up. Before long, I'm starting to drift off, my eyes feeling heavier than the rest of my body. I vaguely remember Addy pulling my feet onto the couch and placing a pillow under my head. There's the sensation of being wrapped in a cocoon, and I'm pretty sure I felt her breath on my forehead at one point, and then, I'm out.

The next morning, I wake to the smell of bacon wafting up from downstairs. I may have slept on a couch, but compared to Windy's passenger seat, it's a five-star hotel. Addy must have tucked me in after I passed out, because I don't remember anything. You'd think I'd gotten tipsy or high on something, but no. Apparently just that exhausted. I clean myself up in the bathroom and fix my faded eyeliner, having forgotten to wash off last night. Then I bounce down the steep wooden steps into the kitchen of the Rat & Raven, where Addy is cooking eggs and bacon over her hot stove. She's swapped out her pajamas in favor of a pair of baggy, black denim jeans, a My Chemical Romance with the sleeves torn off, and a red bandana that covers her hair. Damn, I love her style.