I didn't draw the cards.
The moment Vee said those words, I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. It was hard to breathe, for a minute. Her hand was still in mine, but she pulled it away, to take up her napkin and dab at her eyes. She couldn't stop crying.
I finally recovered my senses, and realized that she needed me. Whatever I was feeling - or not feeling, since I was so stunned - Vee was hurting. I sat next to her, and tried to comfort her, putting my arm around her shoulder, and stroking her arm.
- "It's alright." I told her. "It'll be alright."
She shook her head. She stopped crying long enough to say "Please - take me home."
I apologized to the waiter, and paid for our wine. The drive home was agonizing. She was still sobbing, and refused to even look at me. I mumbled platitudes, trying to make her feel better.
- "Where do I take you?" I asked. "Should we go for coffee, and talk about this?"
She shook her head. "Trisha's." was all she said.
I walked to the door with her, but she wouldn't let me in.
- "Vee." I said. "We have to talk about this."
- "I can't." she said, starting to sob again. Her makeup was smeared, with tear tracks down both cheeks, and her mascara had run, making her look exactly like I felt - horrible.
- "I don't think I should leave you alone." I said.
- "Please. Just go."
- "Vee -"
- "I'll call Lucy. And Trisha. Please ..." She still wouldn't look at me.
I let her close the door on me.
I have no memory of driving home. All I remember was calling Lucy, and then texting her when her phone was busy. Lucy replied in the affirmative: she was talking to Vee. I did park my parents' car in the drive, and then went for a walk through my neighborhood. It was a steamy, humid night.
I didn't draw the cards.
The moment she said it, I knew who had. And felt like an idiot for not knowing it sooner. Vee loved abstract, and never drew or painted people or animals, just like the Moorish art she admired so much.
Her embarrassment, her reluctance to have me use the cards with the game - I had thought it was because the seventh card, which I took to be her, was too sexy. That wasn't the problem. It was the fact that they weren't her work at all that bothered her.
How many times had I complimented her on her cards? How many others had commented on them, telling me, or telling her how wonderful they were. 'The girl who drew those must really love you', someone had said. It must have been like twisting a knife in Vee's heart every time she had to hear that.
And now I was questioning her, and questioning myself. What did I feel for Vee? At the beginning, she had been in love with me for a long time, whereas I was caught by surprise. It was flattering, of course, to have a beautiful girl say she loved me. A boost for my ego. And I responded by falling in love with the person who loved me.
Would we ever have reached an equilibrium? Would we have ended up feeling the same about one another?
Vee was hurting, and I wanted to reach out, to offer her some support. But maybe I was a large part of the problem. Every time she saw me, would Vee be thinking about this?
And would I do the same? Would I be able to look at Vee and
not
think about the cards - and the person who really had drawn them?
**************************
I was pretty much useless the next day. I didn't do a single constructive thing. Les called, but I couldn't think of what to say, so I postponed that conversation. Later that evening, I found the energy to read my mail. Les and Lucy had both sent me messages, offering a shoulder to cry on if I felt so inclined.
And there was a message from Jazz. It consisted of a single line.
I am so sorry.
The next day, Monday, I kicked myself out of my funk - this wasn't helping anybody. I called Vee, and to my surprise, she agreed to see me - Tuesday night.
- "Come over to Trisha's." she said. "About 8:00, okay?"
I managed to keep myself busy for a day: cut the grass, cut our elderly neighbor's grass, clean out the garage. Mom must have figured that I had lost my mind.
At 8:00 sharp, I was knocking on the door of Trisha and Angie's apartment. I had not the slightest clue what I was going to say. Vee opened the door. She had been crying again, but looked a little more composed. She offered me a beer, which I accepted, if only to make this seem a touch more normal.
She put me at the table, and then sat down opposite me.
- "This isn't going to be easy for me." she said. "You'll have to bear with me. But I'll tell you the truth, as best I can." At least she was looking at me today.
"I told you that I fell in love with you right away. And that's true. But I didn't tell you - I didn't tell anybody - because you were with Kasia. I ..."
- "You don't have to do this, Vee." I said, even though I didn't know what she was going to say.
She held up a hand. "Yeah, I do. Let me tell it. I knew what Kasia was doing - we all did. But I didn't tell you, because she's my friend and you were ... just some guy I was crushing on. And you were her boyfriend, even if ... you know."
"I wasn't going to try to steal Kasia's boyfriend. Then ... you know. Everybody found out. It was such a mess. I tried to forget about you - maybe I did. I don't know."
Vee bit her lip. She was being very courageous, trying to remember everything she thought I should know.
"Then you started gaming with us again. Without Kasia. I had ... things going on. But the real reason I didn't say anything was just ... I'm kind of a chicken, in some ways. But that's not the point. It took me a few weeks to get up the courage to say something - I don't know, to ask you out."
"I was having lunch with Jazz and Lucy. It was a couple of days after you all went to that club - that British Invasion Dance."
I nodded. It was the first time Jazz and I got together.
- "So we're laughing about something, and then I decide to tell them both that I'm going to ask you out. I guess I figured that might commit me, or something. Like once I said it, I would have to actually follow through and
do
it."
"And both of their faces dropped. I mean, they looked horrified. Well, you know Jazz - she took a deep breath, and she told me truth. She told me that she had slept with you, and that she was crushing on you herself. She apologized - I think she was more upset than I was."
"It was nobody's fault, really. But Jazz has always been protective of me, and she was really torn - I could tell. She kept saying 'Three days'. If she had waited three days before sleeping with you, she would have known how I felt, and then she could have stepped aside."
- "Is that why she told me that she wasn't 'girlfriend material'?" I asked
- "No. If I remember correctly, she told me that day that she had already warned you. See, her father had been talking about moving her to Australia, to be nearer her sister. One week it was on, another week it was off. He'd been doing that to her since reading week. She said it was like being a passenger on a yoyo."
Vee sniffed. I stood up, went into Trisha and Angie's bathroom, and came back with a box of tissues. I placed them on the table next to her. Vee smiled for the first time.
- "I'm ok." she said. "But thank you."
- "Go on." I encouraged. "Lunch with Jazz and Lucy."
- "Oh - not much else, that day. But maybe two weeks later, Jazz called me up and we got together. She said that Australia was on again. She admitted that she was still sleeping with you, and ..."