Author's notes: This story is posted in the Humor & Satire category and is intended to be a comedy. If you are looking for a quick wank this probably isn't the story for you. The story is set in an Australian pub and contains a lot of Aussie slang, so don't whinge or spit the dummy if you don't understand some of the words. You've been warned.
Weekly at the Local
A support group where sensitive men get together to discuss their lives, relationships and emotions.
"There he is!" Luke shouted out across the noisy, crowded pub.
"Christ, Brett, where have you been?" Mick asked him. "We were just about to send out a search party for ya."
"Sorry I'm late, fellas, had some troubles on the homefront."
"No worries, mate, you're just in time," said Luke.
"In time for what?"
"It's your shout."
Brett started laughing. "No matter what time I seem to get here, it always seems like it's just in time for my shout."
Mick chuckled. "Yeah, funny how that works."
Brett returned a few minutes later, three pints of Cooper's in hand, to the table where Mick and Luke were sitting. It had become a tradition, every Thursday night, for over a decade, the three of them sat at the same stools, at the same table of the Mariner Hotel to share their tales of triumphs, tragedies and troubles.
They rose their glasses and clinked them together. "Mates for ages! Mates for life!" they said in unison. It was the battle cry that began every session.
"So what sort of troubles are you having at home?" Mick asked.
"It's the missus," Brett explained, "I think she may be cheating on me."
Luke took a sip of his beer. "What makes you think that?"
"I haven't thrown a leg over in two months," Brett admitted.
"That's a shame," said Mick, "by the way that reminds me, I've got something for you."
"What's that?" Brett asked.
Mick pretended to fetch something from his trouser pocket. "Your girlfriend's smalls, she left them at my place when she came round last week."
"Very funny," said Brett, "but I'm serious,"
"Just because you haven't had sex in a while doesn't mean she's cheating on you," Luke reasoned. "Look at Mick, he hasn't had sex with his wife since the mid-nineties. Ain't that right Mick?"
"Yeah, that's true, but it doesn't bother me."
"Why is that?" asked Luke.
"Because I get all that I need and more from your wife," Mick said.
"Oh, so that explains it then," Luke said.
"Explains what?" Mick asked.
"Why my son is so thick. He must take after you," Luke said then turned to Brett. "Seriously, Brett, what makes you think she's getting it somewhere else?"
"Last week she was staying back at work, and I was already at her place, when she rang me and asked me to throw a load of laundry into the machine. As I was doing that, I found a pair of cum stained, crotchless knickers in the basket that I've never seen before."
"Oh, that's usually not a good sign," Mick deadpanned. "They didn't happen to be red, did they?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?" Brett asked.
"Lucky guess." Mick shrugged then grinned. "So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know," said Brett. "I really don't want to break it off, but the lack of sex is driving me crazy. In fact, the other day I couldn't take it anymore and got with a prostie."
"How was that?" Luke asked. "Was she a looker?"
"No, not really, she had a big fat arse and sagging, floppy tits."
"Oh, so you wanted one that looked like your girlfriend?" Mick quipped.
"Very funny," Brett said. "No, that's all I could afford."
"So how was it then?" asked Luke. "Was it good?"
"She seemed to think so, because by the time I had finished rooting her, she ending up paying me," Brett said. "She did have some troubles though."
Mick took the bait. "How so?"
"She had never been with someone as . . . as well-endowed as me," Brett confessed.
