Urban Cowboy

I'm surfing the net one day and see this lawnmower tractor in the freebies. I don't need another piece of junk in the garage and there's still snow on the ground but then the next thing I know I'm over at the guys house and loading up this antiquated lawn tractor, it's all in pieces and the guy tells me it needs a magneto but he doesn't want to mess with it.

I figure what the heck, its free right? The lady I'm with at the time isn't very impressed with my new acquisition though and throws a big hissy fit.

I said "But it was FREE!!!"

She leaves in a big huff goes to her mother's that night.

I totally forget about the lawnmower tractor for a month or so until I see another one just like it in the freebies again, this one has a thrown rod, so I go and get it too, now I have two worn out pieces of crap laying in the yard. My lady is really pissed now and I hear about it for two days. She tells me that gas mowers take up too much space in the garage and that they make a lot of noise which she finds irritating.

I said "But it was FREE!!!"

She tells me that I have a big ego and that I'm unreasonable. Eventually she and I call it quits and she leaves, no biggie really, we've been on the rocks for a while now anyway. I'm happier now and so is my old brown dog, I think.

I rob the magneto out of the tractor with the thrown rod and get the first mower running.

Surprisingly it runs pretty good and is kind of fun to putt around the yard with, and I'm not even getting screeched at anymore because of my latest obsession with "Antiquated Yard Equipment".

I sharpen the mower blades and put the mower back onto the tractor and mow the yard with my headphones and dark sunglasses on, nodding at my reflection a little each time I pass the big living room window, damn I look pretty good up there on that machine and the echo from the HUGE 16 horse Briggs and Stratton sounds like a big sup'ed up Harley when I'm next to the house.

After I get done mowing I stand back and look at the yard, it looks pretty darn good and using the tractor is WAY easier than pushing the electric walk-behind mower that we've had all these years, in fact I drag out our old electric mower and sell it for $75.00 on the internet the next day, the first guy that responds to the add buys it. It was my lady's mower anyway so I figure that Im $75.00 ahead of the game now. I sold a bunch of her stuff on the internet after she left.

The guy that buys the electric mower tells me that his wife HATES things that clutter up the garage and make noise, I just nod my head and feel sorry for the poor bastard.

About a week later I'm mowing the yard again as my neighbor stands on his side of the fence watching me. When I get done he walks over and asks me if I'd mow his yard for $50.00?

It takes me 30 minutes to mow his yard and then he gives me a crisp new 50 dollar bill and offers me a beer. Now I'm $125.00 ahead with my free lawn mower.

I leave my neighbors house after mowing his yard and drive up onto the sidewalk to get back to my house when all of a sudden this knock-out redhead is standing there and motioning for me to stop, I shut down and take off my head phones and peer at her over my sunglasses thinking that she's about to yell at me for driving on the sidewalk.

She says "WOW! a classic Sears Craftsman with 16 horse Briggs and Stratton, very impressive and in excellent condition!"

She goes on to tell me that she really digs guys with riding lawn mowers that have an attitude and drive on sidewalks. She explains to me that it's always been her dream to hang with riding lawn mower dudes and that she "aint no wannabe but the real deal". She then says that there is a "Sturgis" every year for people with riding lawn mowers that she always attends and that she even won the wet T-shirt contest three years in a row......I believe her.

I brag to her that I just replaced the magneto in my tractor and that I have a spare tractor just like it for parts.

She nods and tells me that I can pull 75 horse out of the engine, easy, with twin overhead cams and a multi-port injection kit but I'd have to beef up the bottom end, like she did in her mower back in California, that she races.

My lady has been gone several months now and I haven't been with another woman yet so the whole time that I'm talking to this chick I'm getting more and more turned on by the minute and am about to ask her out when this big dude comes over and slaps her on the ass and says to me

"Nice machine bro"........

The hot redhead then introduces me to her husband and explains that he's a former drag racer and that it's very common for retired Top-Fuel people to be real heavy into riding lawn mowers because of the adrenaline rush that they get from feeling the wind in their hair when they're mowing.

I just sigh and nod my head - no redhead for me obviously.

A week later my neighbor who I mowed the lawn for asks me to come over and mow his yard again and I do for another $50.00.

Afterward he tells me that this blonde chick that has a house just up the street needs her lawn mowed, would I do it for 50 bucks? It's a sunny afternoon and I don't have anything else to do so I say yeah sure and he tells me he just talked with her on the phone and to just go mow her yard and knock on the door when I'm done and shell pay me.

I should point out that by now, six months after becoming a "Mower" that my hair has gotten pretty long and I've started wearing wraparound sunglasses and black leather when I'm on my steel chariot and mowing. Chicks have begun to stop me in places like the supermarket to say things like "You're the dude with the classic Sears mower aren't you?"

Yeah, it's more than an obsession, - it's a lifestyle.

So I go over and mow this blonde chick's yard, easy money as her yard is flat with no trees, large landscape rocks or other BS to mow around.

I get done, shut down the machine and walk up to her door and knock. I want to hurry up and get paid so I can go home, its 5:30 now.

After I knock for the third time this ultra hot blonde chick opens the door with a see-through night gown on and I can see a tattoo on her boob of a guy on a riding lawn tractor with SEARS FOREVER written underneath, she's clutching a beer and cigarette in one hand and holding a remote for a TV in the other. She tells me that her name is Violet and that she's seen me mowing around town. Then she says in a real husky voice,

"The sound of your machine REALLY turns me on, maybe I could go for a ride sometime?"

I tell her it's a classic Sears Craftsman mower with 16 raw horse under the hood and a 38 inch cut, platinum spark-plug and that it's not a machine for beginners but maybe I'll give her a ride someday if she's lucky. (I'm thinking hell yeah you can go for a ride).

Then Violet explains that she's a little short on cash for the mow job and asks if maybe we could, well, make other arrangements? She's holding the screen door open and I'm about to take a step closer to her when I hear this dude behind her say

"I got fifty bucks - here, pay'im and tell'im to get the hell out of here."

Violet is "kinda" married it seems...

I listen to the deep throb of the huge 16 horse power engine and its lonesome song of destiny as I drive on the sidewalk and head home in the setting sun, all the while thinking of Violet and what could have been.