Unfortunate Names

Just something fun and stupid. Tis is the result of two unfortunate names and being in the wrong place. Vey short and no sex. This is the result of too much time on my hands and a very warped sense of humor.

I woke up in a strange room and in a lot of pain. I could hear beeping like monitors or something. I was in a weird bed with side rails. Looking around, I saw several tubes and wires hooked up to me, and there were -- indeed -- several monitors by my bed that said tubes and wires were connected to. There was a clear cup-like mask on my face over my mouth and nose. Speaking of which, I couldn't open my mouth as it felt like it was wired shut. There also seemed to be some heavy bandages on my nose. Further searches with my eyes noted casts on both arms and one leg was connected to a cable that went up to a pully, then down to a weight. Pain was radiating from all points of my body, especially my crotch, ribs, and face.

"Good morning." Greeted a very pleasant female voice.

"MMMMMP, MMMFFFFTTT, MMMMBMMMMBBFFFT!" I responded.

"Probably best if you don't try to talk. Your jaw was shattered like a Christmas ornament dropped from a 6-story building. We had to wire it shut. Unfortunately, both your arms were broken quite badly, and your hands appeared to be stomped on by a set of large heavy boots. I'm not sure what you did, but it seems as if you and your friend really pissed several people off. We're working with some people to try and find a way for you two to communicate, but it may take several weeks. With your jaws being wired shut not allowing you to talk and your arms and hands broken preventing you from writing, we are having difficulty in figuring it out. Best if you just try to sleep and heal right now." The nurse said as she injected something into the IV tube. It must have been a pretty heavy pain medication, because in seconds I entered Lala Land.

I'm not sure how long I had been out, but when I woke up again, they had the privacy curtain pulled back, and I was able to see a second person in the other bed. I figured out pretty quickly that I was in a hospital. The other person was also really heavily bandaged and had heavy casts on most of his body. Well, I assumed it was a he, based on the fact that the body cast was flat across his chest. There also seemed to be some sort of structure over the person's groin keeping the blanket up off of their pubic region. I had no clue what that was about.

"Oh, you're awake. Good. That's your friend over there. At least we are assuming that you two are friends. You were both found together on the side of the road in pretty bad condition. Originally, the ambulance crew thought that you had been in a hit-and-run, but the doctors found footprints on several areas of your bodies indicating that you had been kicked repeatedly. Other markings and injuries also showed that you two were subjected to a pretty brutal beating by several individuals. Unfortunately, you were found in just your underwear and had no identification on you. We're still working on that." The pretty redheaded nurse said as she came into the room. Another shot of the painkiller and it was off to Lala Land again.

A month later, and we were both healing up enough to have the wires holding our jaws together removed. That's when the police detective came in to see us.

"So, can you tell me what happened? All we know was that you two were found beside the highway in just your underwear. It seems that you were both subject to a pretty brutal beating."

"Well, detective, I'm not sure really. My business partner and I were traveling to a conference when we stopped to use the restroom and grab a bite to eat. I'm not entirely sure what the place was, but it looked like a local bar on the outskirts of town. We probably wouldn't have stopped there, but my partner and I really needed to use the bathroom. All I can tell you was that there were about a dozen motorcycles there, along with a few pickup trucks. It kind of looked like a friendly place for locals, and the sign said that the food was good, so we decided to go ahead and stop.

"I used the restroom first and went up to the bar while my partner went into the bathroom. I looked around and saw that the couple of dozen other people were laughing and having a good time, so I relaxed a bit. Just as the woman behind the bar set two beers down that I ordered, a nice-looking woman came up and introduced herself. That's when the trouble started."

"Was she someone's wife or girlfriend? Was this caused by a jealous husband or boyfriend?" He asked.

"No. I did make a joking comment about that, and she assured me that she wasn't attached. In fact, she pointed out her dad there. No, I think it all began when I introduced myself, then escalated when my business partner joined me at the bar."

"Well, that doesn't make much sense. Maybe you should explain a bit more."

"OK. So, she introduces herself and asks if I would buy her a drink. Of course, I was willing to do that. She was really pretty, after all. What normal unattached man wouldn't want the company of a pretty young woman? So, as far as I recollect, the conversation went something like this; 'Hi. I'm Maria. I think your cute, so how about buying me a drink?' I responded by introducing myself as well. After all, that's only polite, so I said, 'Ben Dover' as I held out my hand to shake.

"That's when her expression changed from happy and welcoming to pure rage. The next thing I know, she had slapped me with all her strength and the guy she pointed out as her father was right in front of me. This guy was huge! He was at least 6'4" tall and weight around 250-pounds. I could tell by the way his clothes fit that there was not a single ounce of fat on him either. He was talking in low threatening tones about me being an asshole and insulting his daughter. By that time, my business partner had walked up. He didn't seem to understand what was going on. All he saw was me talking to this big guy and that several of his friends were gathering around. I think that he thought that I was getting to know the other people in the bar. That's when the shit really hit the fan.

"The big guy said something like 'Just who do you think you are?' Keep in mind that my partner immigrated from Russia recently, and doesn't know much about American customs yet. Also, he still speaks in a pretty heavy accent. So, when this big guy said, 'Who do you think you are?' My partner thought he was asking for introductions. He stuck out his hand to shake and said, 'Yuri Zonovavitch and Ben Dover.' The last thing I remember was an enormous fist crashing into my face. Then I woke up here."