"Mr. Bauer, I..."
"Jack. Call me Jack."
"Yes, well, Jack! I can't say I'm pleased to have you coming back to work at UMMSDPU. I fought to..."
"UMMSDPU? I'm sorry, I thought this was CTU---Counter Terrorism Unit?"
"That just shows how out of touch you are. Since the President officially ended the War on, ah, well, you know the 'T' word, that awful word is no longer used within the Government or on any college campus. Our new title is, Understanding Misguided and Misunderstood Socially Disadvantaged Persons Unit or, UMMSDPU. Although that will probably change since the ACLU had filed suit over the use of the word, 'misguided' as being too pejorative."
"Now as I was saying, Mr. Bauer, ah, Jack, there are three reasons you are being reinstated. First, under the new civil service guidelines a federal employee cannot be dismissed from government service for any reason—you're due back pay for the last two years, in fact, less of course the cost of the three sheep that were killed when you flew that airplane with the nuke on board out into the desert. Secondly, although I have it on good authority that you have violated the civil rights of an untold number of Misguided and Misunderstood Socially Disadvantaged Persons, or MMSDPs, remarkably none of them elected to press charges against you."
"That would be because they are all dead?"
"Whatever. In addition, under the new government hiring guidelines for transsexual, transgendered or gay persons, such individuals must move to the top of the list for hiring."
"I'm pretty sure I don't fit any of those categories."
"Of course you do! It's clearly checked on your computer file. Now, as I was saying..."
"Maybe Chloe could double check that file and..."
"I'm sorry, Chloe is no longer employed here. It had always been assumed that she was in fact a lesbian and then after one of her subordinates came forward and confirmed that she was blatantly and I might add, disgustingly heterosexual, we had to let her go. Her dismissal is the only reason you got called. She works at the State Department now, they have plenty of room for heterosexuals. Under the new rigid quota system our head count is out of balance and we must replace a phony TTGP---transsexual, transgendered or gay person with the genuine article."
"I see."
"But I do not have to bring you in at your former rank; in fact you will start back at the bottom. You will report to Edgar."
"Edgar? Very well."
"You will only be on part time status. I have enrolled you in several programs to help you adjust to the way we do things around here. You will attend those programs on your own time."
"Programs?"
"First, a one year Anger Management program."
"I'm not angry; my friends, well those who haven't been assassinated over the years, would say that I am really very calm, mild mannered and low key."
"Mr. Bauer you once shot a poor witness in the knee in a holding room!"
"He wasn't really a witness, he was a known terrorist and he had information about a nuclear bomb set to go off within the hour..."
"Did you even take the time to get to know that poor man? To understand his side of the story before you violated his civil rights?"
"No, I needed him to talk, quickly. But I certainly wasn't angry with him, but maybe a little frustrated."
"And the time you violated Vice President McCain's anti-torture guidelines and cut that man's fingers off?"
"He wasn't the VP then and the guidelines didn't exist but the man in question had information that helped us save Los Angeles."
"You are a relic! You're one of those that refuses to accept the Supreme Court decision regarding the renaming of the city we are in to the more secular and acceptable, Los Fienstein. And then there was the time you cut off that poor man's head."
"He was due to be executed anyway and I only removed his head after I killed him, I needed it to get back in with the narco-terrorist gang that..."
"Don't you use that 'T' word in my presence!"
"Yes ma'am."
"What about that poor misunderstood boy who you blew up at the airport?"
"He was wearing an explosive vest and planned to participate in the killing of over sixty people by blowing himself up and he was hardly a boy. His leader was, however, about to execute a fifteen year old boy who was a friend of mine."
"It's always about you and your priorities, isn't it? It's a pattern of behavior that I find troubling. Even the Secretary of Defense, Secretary Boxer, agrees that your past actions raise deep concerns. You just don't seem to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. You will also be attending a seminar in conflict resolution."
"I always felt that I handled conflict pretty well, I mean, terrorists, excuse me, Misguided and Misunderstood Socially Disadvantaged Persons on American soil with nukes, biological weapons, nerve gas and such had chosen to enter into conflict with our country. I resolved that conflict."
"Yes, well, you also have been signed up for sensitivity training to help you deal with your obvious prejudices toward those who are, shall we say, 'different' than you are. It is a program to help expand your cultural and social conscience. It's put on my PETA and comes highly recommended by out National Security Director, Sheila Jackson Lee."
"Ah, ma'am, how do you prefer to be addressed?"
"Director McKinney or Congresswoman McKinney will do just fine, thank you."
"Well, Director McKinney, I do have one concern; I noticed when I came in today that at least three people downstairs, apparently current employees of the Unit have a striking resemblance to known, ah, Misguided and Misunderstood Socially Disadvantaged Persons that were once at the top of our watch list."
"There you go again with your ingrained bigotry! The three gentlemen in question are part of the new exchange program that the President had mandated. We in turn sent three of our people to monitor the activities at the Misguided and Misunderstood Socially Disadvantaged Persons headquarters. Although, now that I think about it, our people haven't checked in in several weeks. It's all part of the new United Nations program entitled, It Takes a Village to Raise a Healthy Misguided and Misunderstood Socially Disadvantaged Person. Secretary General Clinton is very proud of the program."
"And the North Korean, Cuban and Iranian folks?"
"President Clinton is just trying to get ahead of the game by expanding the program to include representatives from the Axis of Peoples Oppressed by the United States---APOUS. Now Mr. Bauer, two more things. You will not be allowed to carry firearms of any sort during your employment here. Well, actually, the Attorney General, Sara Brady, had mandated that no Federal employees---except those in the department of Education and at the EEOC---are allowed to be armed."
"We don't have guns?"
"No, of course not! Furthermore, we've retired all of those obnoxious armored SUVs. All of our vehicles are light weight electric cars with a maximum speed of forty-five."
"Just so I understand the chain of command here, ma'am, you report to the district director and that is...?
"District Director Cindy Sheehan."
"Okay...you said there was one more thing?"
"Macramé! You have been enrolled in a Macramé class. We have a monthly contest. Last week the prize was an anthology of the movies of Michael Moore, or should I say, Secretary of Education Moore. Next month it's a signed edition of Secretary of State George Clooney's remarkable book on foreign policy."
"Do we still work pretty closely with the FBI?"
"Oh heavens no! Under the Schumer-Feingold bill, we are forbidden from any contact with any other federal agencies, well, except for the Department of Housing and Human Services. Secretary Kaine West is such a talented artist, don't you think?"
"And so, we can't talk to the CIA either about possible foreign threats?"
"Unfortunately, no. Director Bellefonte is such a good friend of mine and I really miss our daily chats."
"NSA?"
"There's no reason to really. They've been folded into a National Endowment for the Arts program and now produce some really exceptional artistic photo mosaics; there's a collection on display at the National Museum if you're interested."
"I'm sorry. I'm a little confused, how do we actually collect intelligence?"
We read the key ACLU authorized intelligence sources at our disposal each and every day. That would include The New York Times, The Los Fienstein Times, The Boston Globe, the Nation, Slate and of course Wonkette and the Daily Kos---and of course we watch CNN and MSNBC. If it's not in one of those sources, it's just not important."
"Ummmm. Are there currently any threats I should be aware of that we're keeping an eye on?"
"Of course not! If there were, our foreign exchange partners would have told us so."
