I was happy, perfectly content, with my wife, Joan, that is, until she lost 100 pounds. We had a good life as man and wife, a life that was centered around food and the kitchen. Truly, is there anything else in life? Only, all that changed with daytime and reality TV.
I built her a custom kitchen with a big island and loads of granite countertops and work spaces. She had custom cabinetry everywhere, an eight burner professional grade stove with double ovens and efficient exhaust fan, a huge double door refrigerator with freezer on the bottom, a full sized microwave/confection oven, and two dishwashers to take care of cleaning up the mess. Everything was in stainless steel, of course, and went stylishly well with the colorful mosaic backsplash and the newly refinished hardwood floor.
As my Joanie loved to cook and bake, she loved her kitchen. If she wasn't cooking it in, then she was cleaning it. I always knew where to find her, she was always in that kitchen.
"Joanie, I'm home!"
"I'm in the kitchen."
See, I told you. Every time I walked in that house, something smelled good and Joan was busy cooking something. Life was good and tasted good, too.
To tide us over when first waking up in the morning, we'd have homemade sweet, sticky rolls with freshly brewed French Roast coffee, the strongest brew, stronger even than Columbian coffee, before having a full breakfast of bacon and eggs with pancakes or French toast and home fries. Then, for lunch, I'd always come home from work for lunch. We'd have a supersized cold cut sub, a big grinder with fries, or homemade pizza or splurge and buy takeout, Chinese food or Buffalo wings with fries and a full complement of sauces. Dinner was always the biggest meal of the day and, let me tell you, I never left that table hungry and without having a second helping. Everything she made was oh so good.
Boy, my wife is a great cook and an even better baker. Cakes, pies, cookies, puddings, pastries, whatever, everything was homemade and delicious. We always had people over our house looking to see what Joanie baked. No one left our house hungry, that's for sure.
"Eat, eat, there's plenty," I'd say bringing out the home baked goods, whenever anyone dropped up unexpectedly, as they always did when they knew that Joanie was baking. "Joanie whipped that up this afternoon. She's so talented. Isn't it delicious?"
It was when she started watching that damn Doctor Oz and taking to heart what he had to say about people being obese. Obese my ass. If anything, Joanie and I are just a little chubby, big boned is all and a little gassy.
I hate that skinny, little guy. He should mind his own business. Instead of talking about things that aren't a problem, such as obesity, he should talk about real issues on his show. He should concentrate on real problems like the healthcare bill or feeding the homeless, instead of trying to get people to diet, exercise, and lose the natural and normal baby fat they were born with and need to carry throughout their entire lives.
Just because Doctor Oz is skinny, and miserable because he's hungry, no doubt, he wants everyone else to be skinny and miserably hungry. Well, it doesn't work that way. He'd understand more about the human needs of eating and eating well, if he ever came home to supper and ate one of Joanie's home cooked meals.
"Let's put on the feedbag. Doctor Oz is in the house."
You just have to look at the past to see where you want to go in the future, that's what I always say. Just look back at Laurel and Hardy. Hardy was the happy and well adjusted one, where Laurel was the skinny loser. Hardy was always laughing, while waving his necktie while Laurel always looked so sad, no doubt, because he was so skinny and hungry.
And what about Curley on the Three Stooges, yeah, sure, he was big boned like me, but he was always laughing. Dom Deluise, Jackie Gleason, and Larry the Cable Guy, all big boned men and all happy being in their big sized men's clothes. You noticed that I wrote men's clothes and not little boys clothes.
Understandably, Dom Deluise and Jackie Gleason are dead, but both lived long and happy lives, dying in their 70's. Oh, and Roseanne Barr was happy, funny, and never stopped laughing, that is, until she lost weight. Kate Smith was always smiling because she was never hungry, her big bones wouldn't allow it. Yeah, just think about that when you're denying yourself from eating a cupcake or a donut. Go ahead, eat up, it's good for you.
Chances are if you're hungry, you're big boned. Contrary to what the drug companies want us to believe, a little carbohydrates and sugar never killed anyone. It's all those pills that we're taking for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and diabetes that will put us in the grave, sooner than later. Nothing but chemicals, things we can't taste or smell, we don't know what's in them. At least I know every ingredient in the food that Joanie makes, sugar and spice and everything nice.
I'm certainly not fat and Joanie isn't fat either. We're just a little chubby from the baby fat, big boned, and a little gassy that makes us always look bloated. Hell, we're not fat at all. We have bones as big as a brontosaurus. If you subtracted the weight of our bones and we farted out all that gas, we'd be underweight for sure. We shouldn't be penalized just because we were born with big bones. My whole family, Mom, Dad, sister Bertha, and Billy Ray are all big boned people.
Then, there's that quack of a doctor, Doctor Phil. I hate that baldheaded charlatan. He had a special program, a weight challenge program where his guests won prizes for how much weight they lost. He's another guy that I take whatever he says with a grain of salt.
It wouldn't surprise me if he gets a big kickback from the drug companies by telling his viewers that they need to be medicated. If you ask me, he lost all his commonsense when he lost all his hair. He's not even a real doctor. He's not a medical doctor, never went to medical school, he just has a Ph.D. in psychology. Anybody can get that diploma, stick it on the wall, and call themselves a doctor. It's not the same.
He really needs to mind his own business when it comes to weight loss. What does he know? Who does he think he is Richard Simmons? These guys just jump on the band wagon because they know they can make a quick buck on people who like to eat.
Just because Dr. Phil's wife Robin is a dwarf, a little person, a midget, a skinny minny, he thinks all women should look like her. I'd rather have a woman that I can feel something, a bit of meat on her big bones, when I'm slamming her into the mattress and her head into the wall. If I pounded Dr. Phil's wife, Robin the way that I pound my Joanie, she'd be in pieces.
Then, there was that aptly named show, the Biggest Loser. That show is a big loser, as far as I'm concerned. Only Joanie is addicted to that show and she wouldn't miss watching an episode for anything. I hate that show. Yeah, sure, I like ogling the shapely women on that show, that is, until they slim down and all look so much like coat hangers.
These shows are giving my Joanie all the wrong ideas and filling her head with the belief that she can look like that, too. She can't. There's just no way. Her bones are too big. Yeah, sure, she could lose some of her baby fat, but she'd look funny with her big bones sticking out of her skin.
Finally, there's that big mouth Oprah talking about exercise, diet, and nutrition. By the size of her, we all know she doesn't know what she's talking about. Boy, I'm glad she's retiring next year. I've had enough of her.
If I don't have to hear Joanie talk about the show she watched where Oprah had one of her Chefs on showing how to make low calorie food and how she can make desserts from vegetables like Jerry Seinfeld's skinny, little boned wife, Jessica, or that Bob Greene talking about exercise, give me a break. Vegetables are for kids and not for men who work at men's jobs all day, construction. Besides that, I get plenty of exercise on my job. I'd like to see that skinny, little boned Bob Greene carry a load of lumber up four flights of stairs.
