The Wrong Arrows

Twang, cupid let fly an arrow and smiled smugly as he saw it pierce Sally's heart. "Right on target," he muttered complacently.

Twang, another arrow that struck, this time in the heart of Leon.

"Gotcha," Cupid gloated as he flew away, "as easy as falling off a cloud."

It was a pity he didn't wait to see the results of his archery.

* * * * * * * *

"Ouch," Sally said.

"What?" Leon asked a note of concern in his voice.

"Just a little heart flutter darling," Sally said, her face momentarily going blank.

"Ow," Leon gasped, "I had a flutter too," and then his face went blank.

Leon and Sally had been out on their third date and they had gone back to Leon's place for a nightcap. Leon had got as far as undoing Sally's blouse and fondling her left breast. Sally had pulled his zip down and was toying with his penis.

Suddenly Sally came out of her trance and yelled, "Get your filthy hand off my breast you...you seducer."

At that moment Leon came out of his trance and shouted, "Get your hand off my cock you stinking whore."

"With pleasure," Sally retorted, "I don't want to hold your rotting man meat, I hate you, I hate you, you loathsome beast."

"Not nearly as much as I hate you, you reeking slut, now get out of my flat before I throw you out."

"I never want to see you again you...you degenerate," Sally shouted as she did up her buttons and made tracks for the door.

"You won't see me again," Leon sneered, "from now on I'm always wearing my running shoes because if I do see you I want to make a fast get away."

Sally slammed the door violently as she left the flat.

Leon sighed with relief; "Thank God I've got rid of that ugly slattern," he muttered.

* * * * * * * *

Meantime Cupid had stopped off at the Cloud Nine Bar and was refreshing himself with a glass of divine nectar when a call came through on his celestial communicator.

"Come in Cupid...come in cupid, I have an urgent message for you...come in Cupid."

"Damn," Cupid muttered, "she always calls when I'm relaxing."

"Cupid here," he said, "What is it Angelina?"

"Where are you Cupid?" Angelina said.

"Oh...er...I'm very busy in the fifth dimension," he replied, looking guiltily at his glass of nectar.

"Are you far from headquarters?"

"Oh, I'd say about five million parsecs," Cupid lied, "why?"

"Your mother wants to see you this microsecond."

"Ah, she wants to congratulate me personally for the excellent job I did with Sally and Leon," Cupid thought, as he swilled down the last of the nectar. He hefted his bow and quiver full of arrows, spread his wings, and saying, "I'll be with you in a nanosecond, over and out," he took off.

* * * * * * * *

Actually Cupid arrived half a nanosecond late in reception and Angelina frowned her disapproval but said nothing; she had never particularly liked Cupid because he was inclined to be arrogant and boastful and played dirty tricks on people.

"Your mother said you're to go straight in," Angelina said, nodding at the great door with Venus inscribed on it in golden letters.

"Can't wait to praise me," Cupid said as he left Angelina.

Angelina sniggered but said nothing.

A guardian angel stood outside the door and it was his task to announce visitors to Venus, but Cupid brushed him contemptuously aside and swaggered into his mother's presence.

"Hi mum," Cupid crowed, "another great job done."

Venus was sitting on a silver throne (padded of course) and one had to admit that for someone who was thousands of aeons old she looked in pretty good shape.

Unsmiling Venus looked at her son and said, "So you think you did a good job?"

"Certainly did ma," Cupid chortled, "right on target."

Venus produced out of the ether a heavenly document saying, "I have here a missive from Saint Valentine who..."

"Huh, that new kid on the block," Cupid jeered, "he's been around less that a couple of thousand years; not like us who've been in the love business for eras."

"He may have been in the business for less than couple of thousand years, but you'd do well to hear what he's got to say; remember, he's where the big money is now, he's got all the commercial interests sewn up."

"His type come and go," Cupid said complacently.

"They may come and go," Venus said, "but while he's on the scene he's big time. How many cupid cards have been sold in the last few decades?"

"Well, I don't exactly know," Cupid said, not feeling quite so cocky.

"How many St. Valentine cards do you think have been sold...no don't bother to answer, and what about all the business the florists get from him and the jewelers and junk gift sellers? What you have to realise my son is that we're only subcontractors now, he's got it all stitched up and he can dump us just like that," Venus said, snapping her fingers to emphasis her point.

"We can manage without him," Cupid said without much conviction, "we can get back to the old aeons when we had the whole business in our hands; remember the temples they had for you and how they used almost beg me to stick an arrow in them, and remember the love potion racket we used to run?"

"Have you seen the divine budget for the next millennia," Venus snapped.

"Er...no...no, you remember you lectured me about taking too much interest in accounting."

"Yes, that's true," Venus said irritably, "but I wish that Sir Joshua Reynolds hadn't spread it around."

"Well it wasn't my fault," Cupid complained, "you should have..."

"The crux of the matter is this," Venus interrupted sternly, "it's coming up to St. Valentine's Day and Val had a lot of big contacts lined up for us and given the state of the budget we need every Holy Dollar we can get out of him, but you've fouled it up."

"Me," Cupid protested, "how did I..."

"Shut up and listen to what Val says." She bent over the heavenly document and commenced reading.

My Dear Venny,

("I wish he wouldn't call me that") As you are aware my Day is coming up soon and among my special interests this earthly year are a couple, Sally and Leon. These two I deem to be an ideal couple, truly meant to be bound together in an eternal bond of love.

I subcontracted them out to your organisation, but now I learn that what was intended to be a happy couple now hate each other.

I have it on good authority that your boy Cupid has fouled up yet again, and although I realise it is hard for a mother to set aside her son, I strongly suggest that you do just that. Perhaps they would take him on as a fire stoker in that other place (you know where I mean).

I also suggest that your organisation be given a thorough overhaul -- a restructuring. Failure to do this will mean that I shall have to reconsider our present contractual arrangements.

I should point out that I have a number of other heavenly organisations knocking at my door for a cut in the business, for example, Ishtar the Babylonian goddess of love and fertility, and Inanna the Sumerian goddess. Should you fail to put your house in order I shall be forced to consider these and other goddesses when new contracts are being arranged.

I remain yours eternally Valentine (Saint)."

Venus paused, looking sternly at Cupid, and then filing the document away in an otherworldly filing cabinet said, "I suppose it's the usual, the lead tipped arrows?"

"Well it's not my fault," Cupid said sulkily, "it's the stores branch. They issue the wrong arrows."

"Your supposed to check the arrows," Venus said angrily, "how many times have I told you, check, check, check; those angelic store keepers don't care what they hand out, just the first bunch of arrows that come to wing, and it doesn't matter to them if they're gold or lead tipped but you're supposed to check."

"Sorry mum," Cupid said contritely, "I promise it won't happen again."

"You know damned well my boy that the lead arrows cause people to hate each other. If you kept out of that Cloud Nine Bar it wouldn't happen at all ...and don't bother denying it, I know you're hooked on nectar. I've got it in mind to take Val's advice. I saw an advertisement in The Last Trump Chronicle only a decade ago, they want stokers in that other place."

"Please mum," Cupid said, the tears starting to flow, "not that other place. I'll fix things up, I really will."

"What you need to remember my son," Venus said, "there's your brother Anteros waiting in the wings; he'd fly at the chance of taking over your job."

"Little heap of unholy shit," Cupid muttered.

"What was that," Venus asked, looking at him sternly.

"Nothing...nothing...just a bit of divine flatulence," Cupid said hastily.

"Venus Love Inc. can't afford to lose the St. Valentines Day business," Venus ruminated, "and since this isn't the first time you've fouled up I suppose I'll have to let you go. Just look at it as a career advancement opportunity; after all, if you work at it you might get to be chief stoker in a few thousand millennia."

Cupid's wings and little penis drooped miserably and he abjectly sank to his knees before his mother.

"Please ma, don't do this to me, after all I am your son and we all make mistakes."

"For the Holy One's sake get up," Venus said, "I hate crawlers. Do you know how many used to bow down before me making their pathetic pleas: 'Please let him screw me tonight;' 'I beg you O Mighty Goddess of Love, let her open her gateway to paradise unto me tonight;' sickening, totally sickening."

"Well you have had a quite a few penises in your heavenly love tunnel, mum," Cupid said, hoping to get a blackmailing edge over her.

Venus laughed and said, "My dear boy, don't you realise that goddesses of love are supposed to have lots of affairs; if they don't people lose trust in them. What's the use of a goddess of love if she can't get a regular screw? And don't think that Val is all virtue and divine love, he...but no, I won't go into that. There's enough sexual scandal as it is."

She paused for a moment thinking, and then her lovely eyes lighting up she said, "Hey, suppose I do threaten to spread around what he gets up to?"

After some more thought she said, "No, if I gave him away I'd ruin his business, and if I did that I'd probably ruin Venus Love Inc. as well. We'd have the divine receivers in before you could say 'Hallowed be your name.'"

"Supposing...just supposing mind, I gave you another chance, would you..."

"Oh yes mum, I would," Cupid said with all the sincerity he could muster. "I'd have Leon in bed with Sally before you could say, 'Your kingdom come.'"

"Mmm, that's all very well," Venus said, stroking her right breast thoughtfully, "but Val stated quite explicitly that they're supposed to love eternally, so we don't want any of your one night stands."

"Don't worry ma," Cupid said, feeling a little more cheerful, "I'll use twenty four carat gold tipped arrows, the real thing."

"All right, I'll give you another chance," Venus said, "but if you mess up again it's the furnace room for you. Come to think of it, if you do mess up we'll definitely lose the St. Valentines Day contract and we'll all be out of a job. We could all end up in the furnace room."

"Don't worry ma," Cupid said cheerfully, "I'll fix those two, no problem."

"Yes, that's easy to say, but the earthly date is now the tenth of February, and Val's Day is on the fourteenth, so you've only got three days to get the job done or four if you count Val's Day as well."

"Don't worry ma, all I've got to do is stick a couple of arrows in them," Cupid said brightly.

"Yes, but have you taken into account that they've got to be within sight of each other for the arrows to work, and because of your blunder they're avoiding each other. I wish I'd kept that formula for the love potion, that worked whether they were close to each other or not."

Cupid feeling a little less optimistic said, "Well, I'll just have to hover at a great height so I can keep track of them, and as soon as they get within sight of each other I'll let fly."

Venus sighed and said, "All right Cupid, but just remember, mess up and it's the furnace room, and remember, those angels in the Supernal Store often paint the lead tips with gold paint to save on gold, so make sure you check because those are the arrows that cause a break up in relationships, divorce and things like that, so watch it."

"I'll watch it," Cupid said as he winged his way out.

* * * * * * * *

Arriving at the store Cupid stood in front of the hatch waiting to be served. No one appeared and so he yelled out, "What's the matter, you all asleep in there?"

A tough looking angel appeared and leaning over the hatch said, "Don't get smart with me sonny, you know angels never sleep. What d'yer want?"

"I'll have a dozen gold tipped arrows -- twenty four carat," Cupid said, adding, "Please sir," because it seemed politic to keep on the right side of the angel.

The angel disappeared for a few moments and then reappeared carrying a bundle of arrows.

Cupid began to check their points, and the angel said menacingly, "What's the matter, don't you trust me?"

I've been caught before with those lead ones you paint gold so..."

"Are you accusing me of false trading," the angel snarled, waving his wings threateningly.

"No...no..." Cupid said hastily, "I'm sure it was just an honest mistake on your...I mean someone's part."

"I think you'd better move on before I lose my temper and do something we'll both eternally regret," the angel said fiercely.

"Just going...just going," Cupid said as he fluttered away.

He waited until he was a couple of parsecs away from the angel before he examined the arrows.

"That dirty double dealing supernatural," Cupid said, "he's slipped a couple of the painted ones in. Never mind, I'll reserve those for a couple I don't like and bust up their relationship, now, to find Sally and Leon."

He took flight to earth and began to hover over the last place he had seen Sally and Leon. They weren't in sight, and it was going to be a frustrating task tracking them down.

"I wish I had second sight like some of those angels," Cupid thought, "I'd locate those two, no problem."

Cupid had always had trouble with earth time, largely because it was so unnatural. He along with the other heavenly beings had got a big laugh out of the millennium celebrations, because it was based on the birth of the The One whom The One had sent, and the earthlings were years out in their calculations, and in any case a lot of earthlings didn't believe in The One whom The One had sent.

Since he couldn't follow both Leon and Sally Cupid decided he would locate Leon and follow him in the hope that Leon would at some stage come within sight of Sally. The more he thought about it the slimmer the chances seemed that these two would meet up before St. Val's Day, but what else could he do?

Cupid made for Leon's work place and settled down to hover there. Earthly time meant little to Cupid, but he found he could switch it backward or forward. He fast forwarded to the time he thought Leon would finish work, and sure enough, Leon emerged.

Cupid hovered over him at a considerable height, keeping a wary eye open for Sally in case she came near Leon. He would have liked to fast forward the action but feared that if he did he might miss a meeting of these two, which of necessity would be brief because they would immediately take avoidance action. And so Cupid locked himself into earth time, and went into slow wing motion mode.

* * * * * * * *

It was the day before St. Val's day and cupid was getting desperate. Sally had come nowhere near Leon. Then his luck changed. Leon was out for his evening run in the park and Cupid spied Sally also out for a run on the same path but coming from the other direction.

The two of them could not see each other because of the trees and bushes. They were within two metres of each other when they both reached a sharp bend in the path. They came round the bend simultaneously and were face to face. Leon's face registered revulsion and Sally was about to turn back and run away.

Cupid put his wings into top gear and tore earthwards, fitting an arrow to his bow as he went.

He shot the first arrow at long range and got Leon right in the heart. The second arrow he fired at close range and got Sally's heart. He swooped up to a height from which he could observe the effects.

Leon felt a strange spasm in his heart and his face went blank. Sally also felt a spasm and stopped in her tracks, face blank.

From registering revulsion Leon's face suddenly took on a look of ecstatic delight. "My darling," he cried out, "where have you been, I've looked everywhere for you." He of course really believed he had looked for her everywhere; humans are good at deluding themselves.

"Oh Leon, Sally cried out, I was so foolish not to leave you my address and contact number last time we were together. My darling, I'm so glad we've met again." She ignored the fact that she knew where Leon lived, but humans are good at ignoring inconvenient facts.

"Marry me," Leon implored, "and we shall be together for ever in perpetual bliss."

"Willingly, love of my life," Sally said, almost swooning with joy, "but couldn't we have a little premarital bliss now -- something on account?"

"Your place or mine," Leon asked promptly.

"My place," Sally replied. "The last time I was at your place something peculiar seemed to happen, I'm not sure what it was but I think it was that which made me forget to give you my address."

"Funny you should mention that," Leon said, "I had a similar experience, and I suppose I forgot to ask you for your address."

"I do have a big bed at my place," Sally said, "You're not doing anything special tonight are you?"

"I am now," Leon replied.

Cupid rarely stayed to watch the after effects of his arrows, but since he'd messed up the last time with these two he decided to check that all was well. He fast forwarded the time and found himself in Sally's bedroom just as Sally was saying, "Darling, you've come in me four times, you surely can't manage a fifth?"

"With you I could manage a fifty-fifth, my treasure," Leon boasted.

Cupid fast forwarded again many years and he saw an elderly couple walking in the park hand in hand with sixteen grandchildren trailing after them.

"Yes, got it right this time," he chortled.

* * * * * * * *

Cupid stopped off at the Cloud Nine Bar and had a couple of nectars. He was in the middle of the second one when Angelina's call came through, "Your mother wants to see you this microsecond."

Cupid gulped down the last of the nectar and muttering, "I'll be there in a nanosecond," he took off wondering what the trouble was this time.

On arrival, and anticipating another dressing down, Cupid adopted a humble approach. Angelina smiled upon him, which Cupid found rather sinister because she never smiled at him.

"You can go straight in," she said.

This time Cupid let the guardian angel announce him and as he entered he was stunned. The room was decorated with what seemed like every star in the cosmos. A heavenly choir burst into the song, "Rejoice, rejoice, the wondrous hero comes." Venus smiled upon him and clutched him to her bosom, which Cupid found to be a pleasing experience.

"My beloved son," she cried out, "with you I am well pleased." She was plagiarizing of course.

"W-what?" stammered Cupid.

"You have brought great glory to Venus Love Inc. my dear child, plus the St. Valentine's Day contract for the next two millennia. Val says your work with Leon and Sally has gone just the way he intended and he's looked down the following generations and says it's exactly right.

Venus pulled a bottle of the finest nectar out of the ether (Gabriel's Finest Old Nectar aged for ten thousand millennia and available only in the best bottle shops or hotels).