The Dubious Dictionary: an-Az

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words for the edification, education, and entertainment of the reader. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary. A less formal approach is taken with other words, and notes are included by the editor (Ed.) for clarification. Also, strict alphabetization is avoided to minimize the possibility of apseudoinhedescense

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ANKER: A liquid measure equivalent to 8.5 gallons.* Used in underveloped parts of Africa, because it is a load which can be carried on the head of a female draftperson. About half a tank in the average automobile. A handy measure in cultures which have adopted the 4.25 or 17 gallon volume as standard.

ANTHROMANCY: Divination by the use of human entrails.* E.g. "Oh, shit, Lester! If ahm areadin' Ol' Man Fletcher's guts correctly, yore tonker's gonna fall off next month."

ANTHOMANCY: Divination by the use of flowers.* E.g. "Mr Huggins, I have wonderful news! According to the pachysandra petals, you're going to give birth to twins next year. Anthomancy never lies, you know."

ANALGETIC: Alleviating or relieving pain.* E.g. "Are you ready for the analgetic, Mr Cosgrove? I'm going to put your right testicle on the table and give it a little whack with this mallet. I guarantee your headache will be relieved immediately."

ANTAPOLOGY: Response to an apology.* E.g. "Fuck you, Cletus. Y'all kin take that "I'm sorry" an' shove it up yer ass."

ANTONOMASIA: Use of an epithet instead of a proper name.* E.g. "Daddy, why cain't ya call Joe Tom by his real name instead of, 'that li'l cocksucker?'"

APHLOGISTIC: Flameless.* E.g. "Hey, Leon! Y'all gotta match? Ma Zippo's done went all aphlogistic on me."

APHERESIS: Inbreeding. In certain parts of Arkansas, if a twelve year old girl gives birth to a baby

without

a cleft palate, it is considered a sign that the girl thinks her immediate family is not good enough for her.

ANTRORSE: Turned upward and forward.* E.g. "Hay, Mildred, c'mere quick. Old Edgar's went all antrorse on me. I ain't had a stiffy like this since 1987."

ANUPTAPHOBIA: Fear of staying single.* A condition resolved in certain parts of Australia by marrying sheep.

APAGOGE: Proof by showing falsehood of the opposite.* E.g. "In conclusion, learned colleagues, I have proven that Dr Cosgrove is basically full of shit, and that my postulate is irrefutable. Q.E.D."

APANAGE: Privilege of office; especially one given to younger offspring.* E.g. "Now Jeb, you're just going to have to wait your turn. I promised George W. that he can play President through all of 1989. Yes, Dan, you and General Powell will take your orders from Shrubbie for the next year. Now excuse me, gentlemen. I'm gonna go give old Barbara her semiannual boning."

APERIENT: Laxative.* E.g. "I'm sorry I accidentally put that aperient in your breakfast, Mr Lindbergh, what with you about to take off for Paris. Here's a case of paper towels and a dozen pairs of clean shorts. Good luck."

APERCU: Fr. Lit: 'Recalcitrant turd.' That small portion of a bowel movement which floats and stubbornly resists repeated flushings. Always happens at a house party when someone else is anxiously waiting to use the facility.

APATETIC: Of an animal's coloration or markings.* E.g. "Gosh, Bambi, it's sure a shame your dad has that apatetic mark in the shape of a bullseye on his side."

APOCATASTASIS: No definition is required. Another of those words, the mere pronounciation of which it gives one a feeling of satisfaction. Ed.

APODOSIS: Main clause in a conditional sentence.* E.g. "I'm gonna give you probation, Cosgrove. There's one condition, though: You can't breathe."

APOSITIA: Dislike of or distaste for food.* E.g. "I'm sorry, Rowena, but I'm afraid I have an apositia towards your radish-rhubarb preserves."

APOLAUSTIC: Dedicated to the search for enjoyment.* E.g. "Cosgrove, as you know, I am apolaustic. What I would enjoy right now is a tender young ewe. I'll be in the barn putting on my wellingtons."

APOPHASIS: Saying something by stating that you will not mention it.* E.g. "Dorothy, I'm not gonna mention yer B. O., but it really makes my eyes water."

APOSTROPHOPLEGIA: Inability to use apostrophes properly. E.g. "Is this here dawg your's, Lem? I thank it's laig is hurt." The most egregious form is the dreaded

Apostrophoplegia retalis

, in which signs on businesses contain apostrophonious errata. E.g. "CAR'S" "HAIRCUT'S" or the apocryphal "CAR'S TOWED AWAY AT OWNERS EXPENSE."

APOTRAPSIA: Confusion of similar sounding words, often with egregious results. E.g. "Moshie, you stay away from the sacramental wine at Hanukkah. Last year when it came time for you to blow the shofer and you insisted on doing the limo driver ..... well, I don't think your poor mother will ever get over it."

APODYSOPHILIA: Feverish desire to undress.* E.g. "Sorry, boys and girls. I just had a sudden attack of apodysophilia. Let me get these panties back on, and we can resume our arithmetic lesson."

APPERSONATION: Irrational belief that one is another person.* E.g. "I dunno, Doc. Sometimes, on Friday, I get to thinking I'm my gay brother, Julian. Next thing I know, it's Monday morning, and I've got a sore butthole. Do you think I might have appersonation?"

APLANATE: Flat; flattened.* E.g. "Captain Ponosby, I'm afraid your aplanate penis is beyond the help of medical science. Would you care to explain exactly how your dick got run over by a M-1A Bradley armored personnel carrier?"

APPOSE: To place in proximity or juxtaposition.* E.g. "Ms Cosgrove, with your permission, I should like to appose my throbbing member to your puckered brown eye."

ARACHIBUTYROPHOBIA: Fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of the mouth.* Another word about which the Committee should be spoken to harshly. Ed.

ARBUSCLE: Dwarf or shrub-like tree.* E.g. President George W. "Arbuscle" Bush.

ARCHAEOLATRY: Worship of archaic things or old customs.* E.g. "I long for the good old days, Cosgrove. Those halcion days when I could get it up more than twice a year."

ARCHEMANDRITE: Head of a monastery.* In addition to being the CEO of the Order, the archemandrite has his pick of each season's yearling ewes. He also arbitrates the inevitable disputes amongst the monks about buggery rights to newly arrived novices.

AREFY: To dry up or wither.* E.g. "Dangit, Maudie, thet husband of mine ain't no good at all in bed no more. I thank his johnson's done started to arefy."

ARCTOPHILY: Study of teddy bears.* E.g. "Lookie, Enos. This here bear's one a them rare 1922 Cosgrove Special Editions. Ya kin tell, because it's got a big tonker an' three nuts inside the little overalls. I looked it up in ma arctophily book."

ARDASS: Fine silk.* Not to be confused with "lardass," which is the editor's aunt Louise.

ARMOMANCY: Divination by examination of the shoulders.* E.g. "Herb, armomancy sees all, tells all. Thet huge, festerin' boil on yer shoulder, fer instance, tells me that we're in fer a hard winter. Here, lemme git ma goggles on, an' I'll jist give that thang a good squeeze fer ya."

ARRHIZAL: Lacking a root.* E.g. "Sorry ya got yer tonker caught in the lawnmower, William. Looks like yer gonna be arrhizal from now on."

ARGENT: The heraldic color of silver or white.* E.g. A flaming torch, the scales of justice, a lion rampant, and hippos argent.

ARGOL: Dry cow dung used as fuel.* E.g. "Dang, Clem, this here argol makes a nice campfire, long as ya stay upwind. Imparts an interesting flavor to the weenies and marshmallers, too."

ARISTOLOGY: The science and art of dining.* The paragon of aristology is Mr Creosote in Monty Python's "Meaning of Life."

ARISTARCH: A severe critic.* An apt description of readers and voters at Literotica.com.

ARROGATION: To claim confusion about an event. E.g. "Honest, Irene! I saw this ewe wandering through the yard, and the next thing I knew, I had my pants down and ......"

ARRESTANT: Something that causes an insect to stop moving.* Examples of commonly used arrestants are the sole of a shoe, a rolled up newspaper, and a flyswatter.

ASPHETERISM: Denial of the right to private property.* E.g. "See here, mate. Around here, we practices aspheterism. We shares an' shares alike, an' it ain't fair to keep that pretty little ewe all fer yerself."

ASHPLANT: Walking stick.* E.g. "If you do that again, Mr Cosgrove, you shall find my ashplant planted firmly up your ass."

ARUNDINACEOUS: Like or having the properties of intestinal gas. E.g. "Just as she was serving that delicious roast bustard, there came the most horrible arundinaceous stench from beneath Janet's hostess gown. Those quiet ones are always the worst."

ASOMATOUS: Lacking a body.* E.g. "Honestly, if poor Trixie was any flatter chested she'd be asomatous."

ASSURGENT: Ascending; rising, curving upward.* E.g. "Hey, Maudie, lookie here! The old johnson's gone all assurgent on me. That Viagra really works!"

ASTRINGEMENT: Drawing together; tightening.* The effect of a really scary movie on the anal sphincter.

ASTROMANCY: Divination using stars.* E.g. "Daddy, my astromancy tells me there's gonna be a short, sharp shower of shit on Sunday."

ASTRUT: Protrudingly; distendedly.* Characteristicly of an aroused cyclopean trouser trout (q.v.).

ASYNARTETIC: Having two members with different rhythms.* E.g. "Havin' a asynartetic husband ain't as good as ya might thank, Louise. One of his dicks is always awake and awantin' to play hide the salami. I cain't hardly never git no sleep nomore."

ATMATERTERA: Great-grandfather's grandmother's sister.* No kidding, there really is such a word. The why and how thereof is best left unexplored. (Ed.)

ATAPATRUUS: Great-grandfather's grandfather's brother.* See above. Good grief. (Ed.)

ATRESIA: Absence or irregular closing of a passage in the body.* E.g. "I'm sorry Louis, but I have periodic atresia of the anal sphincter. I sure wish it hadn't happened on our first date, but other than that I had a real good time."

ATRICHIA: Baldness.* E.g. "Amos, that cheap toupee looks like a dead animal on your head. Atrichia isn't the end of the world, you know."

AUBADE: Musical announcement of dawn. Sunrise song.* Especially annoying when the dog and rooster next door greet each dawning with an aubade duet.

AUDILE: Person more attuned to sound than other senses.* E.g. "Thought ya could sneak that one, didn'tya, Charlie? I ain't got much sense of smell, but I can hear a hamster fart a block away."

AUSCULTATION: Listening to sounds of internal organs.* E.g. "Hector, your prostate is yodeling "America the Beautiful" again. You know how that annoys the cat."

AURIFEROUS: Bearing gold.* Reference to the undigested kernels of corn in excrement. In parts of South American they are recovered by an abstalador (q.v.) and reused. The grains produced by this process make the most delicate of tortillas.

AUTOCOPROPHAGY: The reader is left to figure this one out on his own. In this column, we value delicacy and good taste above all. (Ed.)

AURILAVE: Instrument used to clean the ear canal.* Commonly used aurilaves include paper clips, ball point pens, and cocaine spoons.

AUTO-DA-FE: Burning at the stake.* E.g. "Oh, Wayne, how wonderful! We just got an invitation to something called an auto-da-fe, and we're going to be the guests of honor. Whatever shall I wear?"

AUROCHS: An extinct species of Ox.* E.g. "Blast! That Cosgrove has all the luck. He was just tampled into roadkill by an aurochs, and they've been extinct for 400,000 years."

AVERRUNCATOR: Long flexible pipe for administration of enemas to giraffes.

AXINOMANCY: Divination by studying an axe or hatchet.* E.g. "Well, Sergeant, after axinomancy of the object buried in the victim's liver, it is my professional opinion that the axe was the cause of death."

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To be continued.

Thank you for your attention.

Reader's comments always welcome.