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ADULT HUMOR

The Family Dinner Mix Up

The Family Dinner Mix Up

by niniu18
19 min read
3.96 (2400 views)
adultfiction
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In a small red coupe at the far corner of the street, Brian was doing his best to avoid getting lucky.

"We have to see my family in a minute. I can't go in there blushing and sweating and... I'm trying to get him down," he groaned.

Toni nodded thoughtfully, then ran her tongue up his neck. She pressed her soft breasts against him and moaned into his ear, "I know how to tire him out, lover." Her lips found his again.

She was well-practiced at this sort of thing, but he was practiced in shooting her back down. He held firm. It was a debate they had been having for the better part of an hour.

With her white blouse, and skirt, and little panting breaths, it had been a debate she was very nearly winning.

Brian glanced down at his pants. "Toni, God... Now look, I'm already leaking."

She pulled her mouth away to see, then leaped for it like an animal. He caught her and pulled her back into the seat. He locked her in with the seatbelt for good measure.

"We're going to sit here and we're gonna talk about something real dull until it goes away."

Her chest heaved as she pouted. She arched back as she caught him looking, and he forced his gaze upward, searching for safer harbor.

Toni's cheeks were as red as his were. Her eyes had a glassy, absent look to them. She was in no state to meet the family yet either.

"We're going to go in, say hi to my brother, and be gone. Ten minutes, at worst," Brian told her, his fingers dancing against the dashboard. It was the fourth time that day he had said it. "In, out, done."

Toni eyed him silently from the side, the color in her cheeks already fading.

"In, out, done: That's what I've been begging for," was the joke she had used at breakfast. He hadn't found it very funny then. She hadn't tried it again.

"I don't mind meeting your family," Toni told him, her voice level. "It's a nice little change for us. It means we're moving forward."

"I mind," he grumbled. "I don't like change."

"I know," she said, patting the back of his hand. "But change isn't all bad. I didn't let used to let you play with these, and then that changed." She arched her back again for him to see.

He shut his eyes quickly, grabbed the meat of his thighs, and twisted with all his strength. "Go down" he groaned

After a few minutes of it, and some worried looks from Toni, he gave a shaky nod. "I think that's the best I can do. Let's go."

They emerged into a crisp Fall day and made their way down the sidewalk of an ordinary suburban street. Brian's childhood home was a two-story place. It wasn't an impressive home, but it was a well-kept one.

Too quickly for his liking, they were up the front steps and knocking at the front door. A handsome, squared jaw appeared from the other side.

"Little brother," he nodded. "Little brother's date," he added, nodding again.

Brian pulled open the screen door and ushered his girlfriend through. "Toni, Jonathan. Jonathan, Toni."

His brother and his girlfriend inclined their heads toward one another politely. Toni eyed the kitchen over curiously, taking in the place. Snacks and bags lined the counter, evidence of the gathering to be.

Jonathan, however, had a different expression. He studied the girl for a moment. And his eyebrow rose higher.

"Bathroom?" Toni asked, tugging her skirt back straight.

The boys flicked their heads toward the hallway and watched her vanish. Jonathan turned to Brian and, carefully, he slid a step closer, his eyebrow still lingering upward.

"Well, well, well."

Brian raised an eyebrow back at him, taking crackers from the counter.

"Well, well, what?"

Jonathan gave a slow, dramatic shrug. "I never realized you were so... progressive."

Brian chewed for a moment.

"It is an election year."

His brother took a step closer again, tilting his head the way Toni had gone.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I know. About..." Jonathan tilted his head a little further

"About what?"

"Toni," he whispered. "Her history," he added suggestively.

"Like, she's Italian?"

"That she was a dude in high school," Jonathan groaned, not bothering to whisper.

A thump rang out as the bathroom door opened. The boys jumped as Toni strode back into the room. She slid to a halt, eyeing between them.

"What?"

The brothers shook their heads in unison.

"Could you give us a minute?" Brian asked her.

Jonathan swatted his brother on the shoulder. "That's rude."

Another creak rang out from the other side of the house. A hunched, wide form came into view -their father.

The old man snapped a nod of his head to Brian, then turned toward the newcomer.

"Hey there, dear," he said, shuffling forward to take her hand. "I'm Peter. And you are?"

"Toni," she said with the hint of a curtsey.

"Toni, lovely. Brian, how ya been?"

"Fine. Just wanted to say bye before Jonathan ran off," he added, nodding to his brother. "So, bye," he added flatly.

"Ah, well. He won't be gone long," their father shrugged. "Your uncles should be here in a minute."

Brian pulled his brother by the elbow toward the stairwell. "Uh-huh. Well, we'll be right back."

Toni made to follow and he held up a hand. "It'll just be a minute. Brother stuff."

Reluctantly, Jonathan was dragged up the steps, back toward Brian's old bedroom. The door snapped closed and Brian's eyes promptly bulged from his face.

"What?!" Brian began.

"What?"

"Are you screwing with me?"

"Oh, that? No. Was I not supposed to know?" Jonathan scratched at his chin. "I don't know what you're embarrassed for, I'm the last onethat would care. And Dad... Well, after the things he's caught me doing, he's never disowned me. I think you're safe enough. He did cry a bit once, that was awful, but-"

"Toni's not a man!" Brian hissed.

"I didn't say she was."

Brian grabbed at his hair. "Then what-"

"I just mean that I know she has a penis. Or had? I don't know."

Brain's cheeks glowed red again as he shook his fists at the ground. "No. She. Does. Not."

His brother scratched at his chin. "How sure are you?"

"I'm sure."

"You're not still a-"

Brian pointed a finger at his brother, shutting him up. He hesitated for a moment.

"I am more or less sure."

"Well, I'm almost certain Toni used to be called Max, who was two grades above me. Kind of a lady's man, too, from what I recall. That's a strange turn..."

"So, then it's obviously not her! It was probably her brother, you idiot."

The door cracked open and Toni peered her head inside, blinking at them with wide eyes. She looked around and took in the place.

"Is this your old room?"

"Yes, but check out that other room!" Brian shouted, rushing to turn her back around.

"Rude!" Jonathan cut in, slapping his brother on the shoulder again.

He pulled the door open wider and tugged her inside by the hand. "Come on in, dear. He's just embarrassed. I don't know why. All these adorable little figurines. This library of cartoon books... Not just some childish collection, mind you, those ones he got last year."

"Boys!" their father shouted from the stairwell. "Come help me set the table!"

"We're not staying!" Brian yelled.

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"Bah!"

"You guys should stay for dinner," Jonathan whispered, throwing his arm across Toni's shoulder. "I'm going to be gone at least until Christmas, after all."

Toni shrugged. "I wouldn't mind."

"We'd have to change our plans. I don't like-"

"Change, I know," Jonathan said. "But she doesn't mind change, Brian. Think about Toni."

"Is it okay? I can go help set up," Toni said, brushing herself softly against him. "I'd like it."

His jaw quivered and, reluctantly, Brian nodded. With a grin, she stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. "Great!"

As she pulled herself away, she saw his white-knuckled grip on the bedpost. She saw his wide, frightened eyes on hers. She raised a questioning eyebrow and he turned away. She slipped from the room more concerned than ever.

A whispering argument broke out as soon as she went down the steps. The door clicked shut and the sound cut off.

Were they fighting? It was hard to tell with families.

"Hello again, dear," Pete rumbled to her, cutting off the line of thought. "Don't you try helping now. That's for those monkeys. Where'd they go?"

"Just catching up, I suppose" she frowned. "Can I get you another?" She asked, nodding to his empty glass.

"Enh, the red, would you?" He nodded to a bottle of wine behind her. "Gotta have wine with dinner. Healthier, you know? Well, you don't know. You two are still kids."

"I think your whiskey sounded better," she said, flashing him a wink.

She turned a corkscrew into the bottle. With a click of her tongue, she began to muscle out the cork.

"Careful, that bottle's old-" As he spoke, the cork crumbled apart. "Ah, yup. No worries, kid. It's my fault, letting it sit around so long."

"Is it ruined?"

He shook his head and pulled a penknife out from his pocket. He worked it in while she watched. In a moment, he had it.

And, in another moment, he lost it again.

"You... little..." he panted, digging in harder. "Ha! Got it!"

With a hard tug, the last half of the cork snapped across the room. Half the bottle came with it, slapping a wave of red wine down the length of her.

"Ah," the old man gasped.

Toni spat out a mouthful of wine onto the ground.

"Well, you got it open," Toni said, blinking through the mess.

"I'm so sorry about that. What do I-"

He searched around for a moment, then dabbed her dry with towels. When the worst of it was off, he dragged her down the hallway, past the bathroom, and toward a back bedroom.

"I don't have any girls' clothes around anymore, you understand, but I think I at least got something dry."

"Something less red, by chance?"

Pete grunted a laugh. "The color looks nice on you, kid, but I'll see what I can do."

Down the hall and up the stairs, Brian was shaking his head at his phone.

"Just because she doesn't have a brother on social media doesn't mean she doesn't have a brother. I'm not on there either."

Jonathan shrugged, looking quite pleased with himself. "She's the right age..."

"Twins exist."

"Max definitely didn't have a twin."

Brian slipped his phone away, still shaking his head. "You can't even remember the names of half our cousins. You don't even talk to anyone from high school." He pulled open the door and stomped through it.

"I only lose track of the very forgettable cousins," Jonathan said. "I don't know what you're making such a fuss about, though. Does it really matter?"

"It doesn't matter if it matters, because it's not-"

Brain stumbled to a halt at the bottom of the steps. Toni stared back at him from the other end of the hallway. She wore a white work shirt beneath a man's jacket. She had wide, khaki-colored pants and was pulling her already short hair into a shorter bun. She looked like any other man on his way to the office.

Brian's argument faded to a mumble.

His mask of calm exploded all at once. "What?!"

"You don't like it?" Toni asked, her face falling. She patted over the new clothes, frowning over them. "It's a lot more comfortable than what I had on, believe me..."

"WHAT?!" he tried again.

Jonathan shoved his brother into the wall. "You look great, dear. Ignore him. Be you."

Brian's head wobbled shakily, dropping and rising in a way that nearly resembled a nod.

His eyes roamed around her, studying her. He circled up her hip line, looking for any shadows that might betray her secret.

"That jacket comes with a necktie," their father called out, shuffling into the hall. "I think it might look smart."

"No, Dad."

The doorbell rang and they all spun around.

"Hello?" a blonde head sang out from the side door.

"Kathy?" Brian asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Family dinner," she shrugged, joining them in the hallway. "Who's this? I'm Kathy."

Toni took her hand and nodded. "Toni. You're... the sister?"

Kathy gave a sharp nod. "Yup. One and only. Handsome suit, Toni."

"I might have to keep it," Toni grinned, shooting Brian a wink. "Need any help?" she asked, turning quickly back around.

Kathy hooked her elbow around the girl's and trotted her off, already deep in conversation.

"What's going on?" Brian muttered.

He looked down and found his foot tapping frantically against the floor. With a snap of his teeth, it went still.

"Breathe," Jonathan said, gripping his brother by the shoulders. "Breathe. Take it easy. Just be still. Don't force it...".

Brian let out a shaky breath.

"That's advice for later, mind you-"

He laughed and jumped out of the way as Brian swung at him

"What are you doing? Knock it off," their father grunted, pushing them back toward the kitchen.

The doorbang rang out again. Uncle Aaron popped his head through the door a moment later.

'Ello."

Uncle Jack and Aunt Marcy trotted in with him, lugging coolers and tin foil pans.

"Hey, who's this?" they said, eyeing Brian over. "I don't know you. Maybe you came around once or twice? When you were a boy?"

He nodded as they went through their bit. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome. I'm not staying long."

"You got a girl yet, kid?"

"I-" He considered it a moment. "I think so."

Toni and Kathy swept back into the room and there were hugs and introductions all around. The volume in the house reached a steady roar.

"Didn't you want to show me that thing?" Toni whispered into Brian's ear, pointing upward.

"Very much so." He pulled her toward the steps and back toward his old room. With the door closed behind them, the noise muffled to a more tolerable rumble.

"I'm glad we can finally talk," he said, locking the door. "My family, or Jonathan really, he's starting-"

As he turned around, she pressed her body against him, flattening him to the door and cutting off his thoughts.

"Something about wearing this sports jacket," she sighed. "It makes me feel so powerful. Like I need to pop your little cherry, just because I can..."

With two kicks of her leg, she spread his feet apart and stepped in between them.

"What?"

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"Shh," she hissed, pushing her tongue between his lips and cutting him off.

Her hands pawed at his chest. Her hips gave a hard pump against his.

"I just need five seconds, babe," she panted. Her hips beat against him harder, building faster. "I'm so close!"

"Stop!" he hissed, shoving her backward.

Toni fell away giggling. "I couldn't help it! It's these clothes! I feel like I should be making more money..."

Brain shook his head sullenly.

"Hey, what's wrong? Oh, I didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry. What's going on? Is it really that bad for you, being here?"

He nodded.

"Don't worry about them. We don't have to stay. We'll just go, alright? We'll sneak out the window. You and me. We're a team, right?"

He nodded again, still pouting.

She sounded like the Toni he knew, at least.

And his brother still sounded like an idiot. Nothing had changed.

"We can still eat," Brian said. "This place... I don't like it. It puts me on edge. It's like being a kid again, and never getting my way."

"Are you sure? You're really sure you want to stay?"

He gave a long sigh. "Yeah. I guess."

"And you're sure you don't want to fuck real quick on your childhood bed?"

Brian glowered at her and pulled open the door, letting in the noise. He paused, the door halfway open.

"Do you... have any family, by chance?"

Toni nodded. "Some. They're all assholes, though."

He opened his mouth to say more, but her hand caught him on the backside with a sharp crack, hard enough to make him stumble.

"All mine next time," she said with a snap of her fingers. She swooped past him and down the steps, leaving him to catch up.

Below, the family was gathered around the table, all holding plates. Toni went ahead as the uncles pulled Brian aside.

"That girl over there, the one in the suit. What's that about?"

Brain studied her baggy, pressed trousers as she slipped inside the kitchen.

"Kathy's friend," he said, avoiding their eyes.

Every surface of the dining table was lined with plates, dishes, and drinks. The only chairs left were between an uncle and Jonathan. Brian took the seat next to his brother.

"Who are you again, doll?" Aunt Marcy asked from across the table.

"Toni, she told you," Pete snapped.

"I was asking her!"

"Toni, enh? That's my mechanic's name," Uncle Jack grumbled.

"She cute?" Toni asked.

"The girls all love his mustache. Maybe that's a tip for you."

She nodded back. "That'd be real empowering, wouldn't it? Wouldn't take me long either."

"What?" Brian squeaked. "Why? Why? Why is that?"

Toni raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm from Minnesota. We all come with a fine pelt of hair up there, don't cha know?"

He let out an uneasy sigh.

After a moment, he realized what that meant. With a quick look at his brother, he asked, "So, Toni, you grew up in Minnesota, you say? The other side of the country? Interesting..."

"Uh-huh," Toni went on. "Right up until I was two or three."

Jonathan grinned as Brian's melted away.

"I spent most of my time in Canada after that," Toni continued.

Brian let out a breath again.

"Up until high school, of course."

Jonathan laughed out loud sharply, drawing all the eyes around them.

"How'd you meet Brian then?" Aunt Marcy cut in. "Online or whatever?"

"Nah, through Kathy," one of the uncles said.

Kathy raised an eyebrow, but Brian waved her off. After a moment, she continued, "Well, I don't think Brian would like me telling that story..."

"Why?" Pete cut in. "What'd he do?"

Brian buried his hands in his face.

"Well," she began, stretching out her long arm and spearing a pork steak, "I was driving along one night after work, and who should I see on the side of the road? Steam pouring out of the engine block, face dripping coolant?"

"Aw, no," Pete grumbled. "What happened?"

"It's an old car," Brian said.

Toni patted his arm. "Just a loose belt. And someone was very eager and very brave in trying to fix it."

"Did you have to call a tow?" Jonathan asked. "I don't even know the number..."

"Oh, I had him up and running again before he could even wipe off his face. Then I made him follow me down the road and buy me dinner for all my help," she grinned. "He might have been cheaper with a garage in the end."

The uncles all slapped the table laughing, drowning out anything Brian tried to add.

"Please!" Aunt Marcy shouted over them again. "Please!" Her voice dropped back down to a more civilized volume. "Kathy, how is school?"

"Fine."

"Still seeing that boy?"

Kathy shook her head.

"Still living at the university?"

She shook her head again. "I'm moving soon. Into the city."

"Really?" their father asked. "I didn't know that. When?"

"Tomorrow," she said, her face growing redder.

"Well, don't you need help? Isn't that kind of expensive? Where's it at?"

Kathy shook her head, idly spinning her fork.

"What? It's some kind of secret?" her father asked the table.

She let out a sigh. Now it was her turn to blush brightly.

"I'm moving in with my girlfriend."

She blinked at her plate while every eye held on her.

But, slowly, the uncles all turned to Toni.

"You?!"

"What?"

"She's the man of that one," Uncle Jack whispered, tapping his nose at Toni.

"She's my girlfriend," Brian said, clearing his throat again.

"Oh," Uncle Aaron said. "She's the man of that one, too," he whispered, elbowing his brother in the ribs.

"Can we please talk civilly?" his aunt shouted over them all. "Please? It's Sunday. Thank you."

"Brian's got plenty of other strengths, boys," Toni told them, patting his arm again. "He's sweet, he's intelligent, he's clean-"

The rest was cut off with laughter.

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