The Dubious Dictionary: Ca-Cd

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary.

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CABALLINE: Pertaining to or suited to a horse. E.g. "Naw, I ain't never said that Lena's caballine. I jist mentioned how gracefully she wears a saddle."

CACHET: A seal of approval.* E.g. "I never said that Bonita Sue is bovine. I merely pointed out that she has "USDA Choice" cachet branded on the left cheek of her ass."

CACCHINATE: To laugh loudly and inappropriately.* E.g. "Timmy, please don't cacchinate when your father farts during the sermon. It just encourages him."

CACODEMOMANIA: Pathological belief that one is inhabited by an evil spirit.* E.g. "I tell ya, Homer, I got me an evil spirit. His name is William, he lives in my gall bladder, and he wears loud Hawaiian shirts with bermuda shorts, black sox, and dress shoes. Is that evil, or what?"

CABOCHED: Heraldic animal shown in full face with no neck or body." E.g. "A flaming sword, the scales of justice, lion rampant, and hippo caboched."

CACOLET: Military mule litter.* Generally cleaned up by a

cacoletador,

with a shovel and wheelbarrow.

CACOTOPIA: A state in which everything is as bad as it can be.* This is generally followed by a state in which things get much worse.

CADDIS: Worsted yarn.* E.g. "Shit, Beatrice, this is the worsted yarn I ever seed. Ain't good fer nothin' but startin' a fire."

CADRANS: Instrument by which a gem is adjusted while being cut.* E.g. "I'll just use this cadrans to adjust your lovely five carat diam ..... Oops! Well, aren't you the lucky one. You now have all these lovely quarter carat gems. No, there's no extra charge."

CADUCEATOR: Herald; messenger.* E.g. "Your magesty, I come as caduceator from the

Courte de Revolucion

. The good news is that the guillotine has been freshly sharpened."

CEONOGENESIS: Growth in an individual not common in its species.* E.g. "Maw, thet boy Caleb be nigh onta sixteen now. Ah thank it's 'bout time we put some pants on him. See what he be draggin' on the groun'?"

CALATHUS: Friut basket carried on the head.* E.g. "Hay, y'all queers keep quiet up there. Yer gittin' a free ride, ain'tcha?"

CADILESKER: Special case used to carry the rubber donut sat upon by those suffering from acute hemorrhoids.

CALCIMINE: Whitewash.* A skin treatment used by those who wish to emulate Michael Jackson, but who cannot afford the medical procedures.

CALCIFUGE: Plant which will not tolerate limey soil.* Such shrubbery apparently cannot be grown in England or in any area by Englishmen (Ed.).

CALCARIFEROUS: Having spurs.* E.g. "Mr Farquahr, I believe those welts on your ass will clear up if your wife ceases wearing spurs to bed."

CAESPITOSE: Growing in clusters.* "Mrs Cosgrove, you have the most perfect caespitose piles I've ever seen in my thirty years as a proctologist. May I take a picture?"

CAGAMOSIS: Unhappy marriage.* A common condition in Australia when the bridegroom later learns that the ewe he married is smarter than he.

CALAMANCO: An delightful word having no definition. It is quite entertaining to hear and say. Also, it may be used when one cannot think of the proper word for the occasion. E.g. "Well, Stanley, this is a real calamanco you've gotten us into this time." or "Good grief, Waldo! That calamanco must be a five pounder! Think it will flush?"

CALICULUM: A chalice or cup.* E.g. "You have a serious condition of the noolies, Mr Beemish. The only chance for saving them is to soak each one in a caliculum of boiling vinegar twice a day."

"CALLIPYGIO BELLISIMO:" Ital. "Your buttocks are beautiful." The moving aria sung by Maria (Bar.) in the third act of the opera "The Magic Flatus" by Linguini.

CALORIFACIENT: Producing heat.* E.g. "Whooie, Tex! This here Five Alarm chili is causin' ma boots ta fill up with sweat."

CALUMNY: Vile misrepresentation.* E.g. "I accuse you of calumny, sir. This Norwegian Blue you sold me an hour ago is dead. It is an ex-parrot; defunct; mort!"

CALENDER: Machine with rollers which presses paper or cloth.* E.g. "We're sorry, Mr Snodgrass, but the Board has turned down your claim for work-related disability. It is our conclusion that you were playing with yourself on the production line when you got your tonker caught in the calender."

CANARY: Lively Renaissance courtly dance during which each performer places a finger in the anus of the person to his/her right. Special attire is usually provided by the host.

CANAILLE: Riffraff; proletarian; the mob; rabble. E.g. "Yes, Senator, being a liberal would be ever so much more pleasant if one needn't deal with the canaille. They're so tiresome, not to mention the smell. It's almost enough to make one consider becoming a Republican. More champagne?"

CANTORIAL: To the north side of the choir in a church.* Place where men of the cloth often receive massage of the wiwi by boys of the altar.

CANOPUS: Vase for holding dead individual's inner organs.* E.g. "Okay, Leonidas, here's your big chance! Is your late wife's gizzard in canopus #1, canopus #2, or canopus #3? Good luck."

CAPISTRATE: Hooded.* E.g. "Hello, little girl. Would you like to meet Mr Snake? He's my capistrate cylopean trouser trout."

CAPRIC: Having a goatlike smell.* E.g. "Gosh, Minerva, that's interesting perfume. It's sort of .... capric. Oh, you aren't wearing perfume."

CARCINOLOGIST: One who studies crabs.* E.g. "This is a serious infestation, Ms Cosgrove. As an experienced carcinologist, it is my opinion that you should douse the pubic region with gasoline and set fire to it. There should be someone standing by to stab the survivors with an ice pick as they flee the conflagration."

CAPNOMANCY: Divination by use of smoke.* E.g. "According to that cigar smoke, Gene, it appears that you're destined to be trampled flat by a team of horses tomorrow. I'd have more confidence in my capnomancy if we weren't astronauts in a low-earth orbit. The smoke never lies, though."

CANTER: Person who makes hypocritical or affected statements.* A 'Ted.' Word coined especially for Sen. Edward Kennedy (D.-Mass.). Also very useful as a synonym for 'televangelist.'

CANTICLE: Short sung prayer.* E.g. "Okay, homies, the tipoff be in three minutes. Lez all join in a canticle that we whup the livin' shit outa them whitebread mothafuckas."

CANTLE: Corner, edge, or slice of anything.* E.g. "This may sting just a tiny bit Mr Fonsdale. I'm going to use these hedge trimmers to snip a cantle off the end of your tonker."

CAPARISON: Ornamented covering for a horse.* E.g. "Well, I'd be the last one to suggest that Janice is horsey. Doesn't she look just divine in that stunning off the shoulder caparison?"

CARBUNCLE: A pustular, staphylococcal infection of a skin follicle. A boil.* E.g. "We'll have that carbuncle on your ass taken care of in nothing flat, Mr Farquahr. Nurse: Goggles and pliers, please."

CARIOLOGIST: One who studies sedges.* E.g. "Well, doctor, I know you're an eminent cariologist and have diagnosed my problem as a sedge growing out of my ass. Ummm, what's a sedge?"

CARIOCA: A fungus infection of the vagina. E.g. "Good grief, Mrs Hasselbach, I've seen hundreds of fungus infections in my career as a gynecologist. It's the first time, though, that I've seen full grown shitake mushrooms. You should have come to me earlier. I'm gonna need a shovel for this."

CARITATIVE: Generous; charitable.* E.g. "Gosh, Mr Rockerfeller, a new dime! Thanks a bunch for being so caritative, you skinflint old motherfucker."

CARNIFEX: Executioner.* E.g. "I'll be your carnifex today, Mr Cohen. I hope this will be a positive experience for both of us. Now, please lie down on this cross, and make yourself comfy. I'll just do a little simple carpentry. It may sting a little at first."

CARMINITIVE: Causing or relieving flatulence. Expelling.* E.g. "Oh, gosh, Louis, I'm terribly sorry about your upholstery. You might try Lysol. It must be that carminitive I took earlier. I sure wish that hadn't happened on our first date."

CARPAL: Of or pertaining to the wrist.* E.g. "C'mon, Smathers, ya gotta get more carpal action into it, or yer never gonna qualify for the Sons of Onan."

CARPOGENOUS: Bearing fruit.* A popular gay bar in eastern Arkansas.

CARRONADE: Light maritime cannon.* E.g. "Shiver me timbers, Cosgrove! Tie the cabin boy over that carronade and git his pants down. We're all gonna take a little sail up the old dirt road this fine mornin'. Arrrrrrrr!"

CARYATID: Column shaped like a woman.* E.g. "That's a ... errr... lovely caryatid. I wonder why they chose Kate Smith for the model?"

CARUCATE: As much land as a team of oxen plows in a season.* A measurement so vague as to be useless. Ranges from 0 to 80 acres depending on oxen motivation, whip expertise, oxen labor actions, plow availability, sobriety of farmer, and a multitude of other factors. Used as a standard of land measure in eastern Arkansas.

CARTOMANCY: Divination using playing cards.* "Whoooiee, Joe Bob! Cartomancy never fails, an' the cards say yer about ta embark on a successful career as a wet nurse. Hee heeee ... Lemme see them tits, huh?"

CASSATION: Annulment.* E.g. "Sorry, Farmer Bob. I gotta issue a writ of cassation on that last wedding of yourn. According to the law, ya kin only be married to one sheep at a time. Ever tried a heifer? They's niiiice."

CASTRAMENTATION: The art of designing a camp.* One of those words whose definition comes as a bit of a surprise (Ed.).

CATAMOUNT: The amount of excrement produced by the ordinary cat,

felis domesticus,

in 24 hours. Generally acknowledged to be between three ounces and seven pounds, depending on gastrointestinal health and dining habits of said kitty. Always seems like the upper limit when a cat owner must clean a litter box.

CATALECTICS: Science of commercial exchange.* E.g. "Now, class, it's time fer our lesson in catalectics: Girlfrien' Lo-Retta gots her a pussy she ain't doin' much with, an' she need five bucks fer some panny hose. Thet homeboy Leon jist sold a nickel bag of Drano, an' he gots a itchy dingus. Thet mean sumpin' catalectic might be gonna happen. Right?"

CATHISOPHOBIA: Fear of sitting.* A common condition amonst those who suffer from hemorrhoids. Usually corrected by use of a salmagondium (q.v.).

CATENA: Chain.* E.g. "Yep, Caleb, iffen we had one more male type person who don't mind gittin' his pooper plowed, we'd have us a real ol' fashion nine-way Arkansas daisy catena. Why doncha drop them overalls an' join in?"

CATHEDRA: Chair or throne of office of a Bishop.* E.g. "Your Eminence, I've had a hole cut in the seat of your cathedra so your piles can dangle."

CAUSIMANCY: Divination by use of fire.* E.g. "Holy jumpin' shit, Claude! Iffem ma causimancy is right, yer gonna be a momma. Congratulations."

CAUPONATE: To engage in questionable trade for sake of gain.* An activity which is the very foundation of the American way of life. (Ed.)

CAVATINA: Short operatic air.* E.g. The lovely "Castrati's Lament" sung by Stanley (sop.) in the second act of "The Barber of Fresno" by Pastrami.

CAPESSON: Noseband for a horse.* E.g. "I never said Prince Charles was horse-faced. Doesn't he look dashing in that blue capesson, though?"

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To be continued.

Thank you for your attention.

Reader's comments always welcome.