The Adventures Of Joe The Pirate

Author's note: warning, sarcasm ahead. Do not read if you are easily offended by stories that do not take themselves, or anything else, seriously. Written with the intent of getting as many Lit categories in one story as possible.

—

It was a brilliant day in Brilliantville, and Joe the Pirate sprawled out on his quilt, which happened to be made of various pornographic posters all stitched together to make for a very crunchy and rather occasionally sticky quilt, and not a very restful sleep at all whatsoever, but that didn't matter to Joe because he was presently occupied by the much more interesting contents of the computer screen (porn), his cock (he was stroking it), and not in fact the epic space battle that was going on at this VERY MOMENT OUTSIDE OF HIS WINDOW.

Joe looked over his shoulder. There was an epic space battle going on at that very moment outside of his window. "GOOD LORD!" Joe screamed, dropping his massive cock and leaping to his feet in a tangle of jeans and pornographic magazines, ill-disposed-of tissues and male ejaculate. "THERE IS A SPACE BATTLE GOING ON AT THIS VERY MOMENT OUTSIDE OF MY WINDOW and I didn't even notice. More's the pity." Joe attempted to tuck his enormously massive cock into his jeans as he zipped them up. He found it rather difficult to make his brilliantly massive cock fit into his jeans, however, and he eventually slung it over his shoulder and headed over to the window until his erection died down and he was able to see past the massiveness that was his cock.

"My goodness," he said, pretentiously, and headed for the doorway, accidentally tripping over his seventy-three inch long penis, falling face-first down the stairs and eventually rolling to a halt on the crushed velvet mat at the end of the stairs. He hauled himself to his feet, wrapped his dick around his wrist, and ran to his ship.

"Good morning, sir!" his ship said sultrily, purring as Joe activated the security measures and dove into the cockpit, dragging his cock behind him.

"Gods," Joe moaned, "I am so glad I have calluses."

"What was that, sir?" his ship lisped.

Joe finished slinging his cock around his waist and started up the engine. The ship vibrated like an extremely massive vibrator as it rose up into the air and Joe ignored the radio buzzing, ordering him to submit his flight plan. There was a fucking space battle taking place outside of his window and Joe didn't call himself a pirate for nothing! He was going to take over that battle if his name wasn't Joe the Motherfucking Pirate! It wasn't, actually, but people tended to call him that for what Joe assumed was absolutely no reason whatsoever beyond the fact that he had at one point accidentally,

accidentally, honest to God!

fucked the empty urn containing his mother's ashes.

"Absolutely nothing!" Joe declared grandiosely with a sweeping wave of his majestic and sticky fingers. He wiped his hands off on his pants, wishing for a moment or two that he'd taken the time to invest in soap, before taking to the wheel, which was covered in the remains of human bodily fluids, none of which happened to be blood. "Just

adventure

, my dear ship!"

With a roar the ship exploded into the skies and into space. He eventually brought it back down to earth and into the heart of the SUPREMELY EPIC SPACE BATTLE OCCURRING IN THE SKY THAT HAPPENED TO BE AROUND JOE'S WINDOW EXCLAMATION POINT ONE ELEVENTY TWELVE. Joe shuddered in ecstasy, feeling the first quivers of pleasure beginning to take over his body and mind, replacing his train of thought with one thing, and one thing only:

I MUST CUM

.

Joe wrapped his fingers around the joystick and fired a few warning shots at the first ship. "That's for distracting me from

Busty Babes Five Thousand

!" he yelled as the pinpricks of red light seared through the air, clipping the airship on the wing. A burst of smoke escaped from the ship and he watched in horror as a speaker erupted from the cockpit.

"THIS ISN'T YOUR BATTLE!" he heard a female voice scream through the lusty air. His ship dodged, and Joe watched in minute horror as a long screaming stream of green light made a small cat leap off of a garbage can, dash hastily to the fence, stumble, and fall over with a cat-like shriek of nerves. He had angered the cat; he would not sleep well tonight.

"It is now!" Joe yelled through the charcoal tinted glass of his cockpit, rubbing at his massive dick like a woman would stroke a kitten. It purred at him.

"What the hell?" he asked in a low voice, before realizing the purr was not in fact emitting from his cock, but rather, from the appearance of a small portal behind his head. Joe turned his head slowly, and his eyes lit on the business end of a ray gun. "What the hell?!"

A woman with tits the size of a small planet peeled herself out of the portal, her skin-tight spandex dress rippling as she moved with all the grace of a ninja from one of those very interesting imported movies not made in the English language. Her hair erected itself from her head like small towers, her eyes sparkled like crystalized deep space, and the leer on her face was anything but non-arousing, as Joe happened to have at thing for spirited women. She ran her long fingers through her hair, tossing a chunk of it behind her shoulder.

Joe was fairly certain hair was not supposed to look like clumps.

"Look, it takes a lot of gel to make your hair stay like this," she snapped, catching his gaze. "You're supposed to be looking down here."

"Oh, yes, my mistake." Joe averted his gaze back to her enormous tits. He was fairly certain they were beginning to attract satellites from their sheer gravitational power. "Are we perhaps related?"

"I'm fairly sure dickwadery is genetic, so..." he heard as something slammed into the back of his head and the dark rose up to meet him.

Through his fading consciousness, he thought he heard himself—or was it his ship?—say "...is that a small ring around your breasts I see?"

<><><>

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Joe screamed as he submerged back into consciousness from the superior knowledge of the frame of mind found only in that place called

unconsciousness

. The secrets of the universe had been his! Or perhaps just a nightmare about the removal of his cock. He wasn't sure. Things were lost so easily once he began to wake again, and he peeled his eyes open to witness horrors beyond human imagination, such as that cannot be described with mere words.

He screamed a bit more just to make sure everyone had heard and then shifted a bit in his chains.

"Okay, seriously, what the hell?" he heard himself ask.

Someone laughed manically in the background. "You, Joe, are about to be subjected to terrors beyond human imagination!"

"Well, fuck."

"Like that!"

"Like... what?"

A small army of absolutely ass-naked lesbians stepped out in front of him and began to make hot, sweet, passionate love with one another. Joe groaned. It was then that he noticed his penis had been strapped down to the floor, all seventy-three inches of it. Try as he might, his erection strained and strained against the restraints but they were made out of solid steel and his magnificent penis could not break free. He screamed in agony. He just couldn't get it up.

"AHAHAHAHA!" laughed the woman, her planetary sized breasts heaving in earthshakingly profound ways as she laughed. "You will be subjected to this—hours upon hours of sexual torture and you will never find release!"

"Fuck!"

"And then you will be anally raped by Bob!"

"FUCK!"

But Joe could only watch in rapt fascination and horror as the ass-naked lesbians made hot, sweet, passionate love on the floor before his very eyes and before his very restrained cock. He strained against the restraints, trying to get free from the bondage as the tallest of the women stood up and ran her fingers down her engorged clit, a blond woman lapping at her womanhood and sliding her fingers in and out of her moist pussy. Someone had found a vibrating dildo and fucked one of the women up the ass as she writhed and moaned in unimaginable pleasures, though Joe thought that perhaps he could imagine quite a bit.

Unreleased cum leaked from the end of his restrained manly firehose as the sizzling hot scene unfolded before him.

Joe wept. "This is horrible, cruel torture! What did I ever do to you?"

"You killed my father!"

"What?"

"Well, no one ever cares about the backstory in these stroke-fics, you know."

"This is true." Joe winced as one of the women began to masturbate herself to a huge, over the top, orgasmic scream. "But seriously. What the hell, lady?"

"Oh, I just get off on cuckholding men."

"I see." His cock twitched mournfully, his nipples painfully erect. A black lesbian with oddly red hair began to suck on the clit of the cumming woman and she thrashed seizurifically, clamping a hand over her mouth to suppress her ecstatic wails of inhuman pleasure. "Is that really the only reason you're keeping me here? Really?"

"What?"

"Really?!"

"WHAT?"

"IS THAT REALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE KEEPING ME HERE?" Joe yelled over the orgasmic screams of the interracial lesbian orgy.

"NO, ACTUALLY, I AM YOUR MOTHER!" the woman with tits the size of jupiter hollered, coming a bit closer so that he could better hear her over the amplified wails and moans and strange splotchy sounds.

"WELL, FUCK!" The sound of fuck and fucking reverberated throughout the holding cell until finally all fell silent and the only thing Joe could hear was the raspy, uncoordinated breathing of twelve naked post-orgasmic women.

"Yes, well, you see," the woman said, jiggling her huge breasts, "I was jaded by the abuse of your father, who turned out to be a werewolf with tentacles, from space, who eventually left me for another man who wore stockings and crossdressed for pay. After years of this cruelty I finally left to find my fortune, and I found it, in holding men hostage while my army of lesbians make hot sweet love for your entertainment!"

"Wouldn't it be easier," Joe groaned, through the impossible erection of his enormous manhood, "to just start a porn business?"

"I have been waiting all of these years for the ultimate customer... YOU!"

"Why me?" he whined. "I thought you were dead!"

"No, just alone and trapped in a tragic life, loveless and abandoned to the wiles of my vicious husband," she said darkly. There was a little squeaky orgasmic squeak off to the left. "Be quiet!" she snapped, waving a hand at her lesbian army. The orgasmic moans stopped. "I'm trying to be dramatic!"

"So, this was all staged?"

"Noooo," she purred. "I was just waiting for you, my son."

"Soooo that you could tie me up and inflict sexual torture on me?"

"Yep!"

"You're mad!"

She considered this for a moment and then sat down in the corner to masturbate with a screwdriver. "BOB!"

Bob thundered out of the nearest door. His gray hair curled around his ears and his wrinkly ass was humorously wrinkly. Bob had a miniscule penis, but he made up for it in girth. His penis was approximately the size and shape of a tuna can. At first, Joe began to relax because there was no way that he could be raped by Bob, but then things took a turn for the horrific. Joe shirked away as tentacles erupted from Bob's fingers and began to creep, writhing in unimaginably horrific ways, towards him. "Keep those things away from me!" he shrieked, like a little girl, trying to protect his ass and his massive cock all at the same time. The pain seeping through his penis was also unimaginable. He was

soooo

aroused it wasn't even funny.

Bob's tentacles began to braid Joe's hair.

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Joe screamed as the Bob tentacles began to weave pink ribbon into his hair. Next would come the stockings and the frilly skirt. One of the tentacles touched his anus and began to penetrate him, stimulating his prostate. Bob moaned and began to spout cum from all of his orifices, at least, the ones that were intended to spout cum. And perhaps some that weren't. For example, Bob's eyeballs.

A sudden spike of arousal hit Joe and his penis shredded the restraints to pieces.

"NOOO!" his jaded mother with massive tits screamed, trying to keep Joe's penis from invading her lesbian orgy. Suddenly all of the windows exploded inwards and an even larger army of huge dildos sailed into the room. All of the lesbian's eyes began to fade and turn into swirly hypnotic symbols of death, doom, and poppyrot. They robotically walked out of the room, stumbling over Bob in the process, and with all the mentality of lesbian zombies, dragged Bob out of the room behind them.

As the doors slammed shut around Joe, he felt horribly, horribly alone, except for the dildos emitting mind-control rays and the strange figure striding in on the wings of fifty-seven dildos, wearing clothing that looked very much like she'd accidentally fallen into a pawn shop covered in super glue. The dildos changed their tune, emitting an irritating technomatic track, and she danced while singing pop music about disco sticks.

This went on for approximately four minutes.

Joe stared in horror. It was all coming together now. His arousal was fading away, replaced with sheer horror. "This was just a set-up to make the latest Lady Gaga video?"

The woman with planetary breasts came back into the room as the song ended. "Yeah," she said, holding out a release paper and sticking a pen into Joe's mouth. "If you'll just sign here, please..."

<><><>

...And that's how I ended up in Lady Gaga's latest music video. I hope you're having a good time in Potatomashire. I hope to see you soon, my love.

Your loving husband, Joe

.