"It's time for SEXY SITUATIONS!"
The announcer's declaration caused the studio audience to give a wild cheer. The neon lights grew brilliant while the digital screens illuminated the stage with various colors. Five contestants appeared on stage and sat on five black stools as they waited for the arrival of the game's host.
The announcer proclaimed, "And here is your host: Percy Stumper!"
The studio audience howled and applauded as the middle-aged man in a gray suit walked up on the stage and waved his hands at his most devoted fans.
Once he stood in front of his podium, he stated, "Thank you, everyone. Welcome to Sexy Situations: the game show where our contestants describe their most intriguing segments of their sex lives. If the audience gives their highest approval to the one person that has the most vivid imagination, only one of our five contestants will make it to the Golden Round, which will occur next week. If their sex lives are considered mundane and uninteresting, they will walk away with nothing. If their sex lives turn out to be false, they will have no choice but to listen to a twelve-hour marathon of music from Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift (both at the same time, mind you). If their sex lives are considered offensive almost to the point of criminal behavior, the contestants will be reminded that half of our studio audience consists of members of the Los Angeles Police Department. And I can see from here that they have their batons and peppers sprays ready for action."
The police officers nodded in approval.
Stumper continued, "Now let's meet our five contestants."
The five men sitting on the stools had name tags stuck to their shirts. And it looked like they came from all parts of California.
"Contestant number one, please state your full name and tell us where you're from."
Looking nonchalant, the first contestant wore blue jeans, a green t-shirt, and a red trucker cap. He leaned over with his right hand placed on his thigh. "Yeah, my name is Stu Tardy. I'm thirty-six years old and I'm from the city of Hesperia."
Stumper smiled. "Welcome, Stu. Are you confident that you will make it to the next round?"
Stu shrugged his shoulders. "I can't really tell. My wife's always begging me to be on this game show. I don't know what I've done to be on here, but I really can't let my wife down."
"Are you saying that you don't believe you don't deserve to be on Sexy Situations?"
"I just don't want to ruin my wife's life. I mean, really. She'll take my house, my son, and my dachshund if I don't do what she tells me to do. She's a real control freak. I have no say in our family matters. It stinks, Percy."
Stumper raised his eyebrows. "And people wonder why men want to marry dumb blondes. Okay, contestant number two, please state your full name and tell us where you're from."
The second contestant wore a dark blue sweater and brown slacks. "Hi, my name is Adrian Sticks. I'm from the city of Chino Hills, and I am twenty-three years old."
Stumper replied, "If I'm not mistaken, you are the youngest contestant ever to appear on this show."
"That's what the producers told me backstage."
"Do you believe you have a very successful sex life even at this age?"
Adrian nodded and said, "It's almost a guarantee, Percy."
"Let's see if the audience agrees. Good luck, Adrian. Contestant number three, state your name and place of origin."
The third contestant looked a little pompous with his white suit, straw hat, thick gray beard, and a corncob pipe between his lips. "The name is Walter Redwood. I'm from the city of Eureka, and I have just turned fifty-one last week."
Stumper examined him from top to bottom. "I have never met anyone from Eureka that wears the same attire as you. Are you sure you're not from one of the Southern States?"
"Yes, I am positive. I was born and raised in Northern California, and my birth certificate proves it."
"So, Walter, do you believe that the audience will approve of your imagination and your dirty little fantasies?"
Walter chuckled. "I am sure they will be surprised by my lifelong accomplishments."
Stumper didn't feel impressed. "Well, good luck on tonight's show. Contestant number four, state your name and place of origin."
The fourth contestant, for some reason, wore a formal tuxedo. He began to sing with a very deep baritone voice: Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naaaaaaaaaaaaame iiiiiiiiis-"
Stumper raised his hands. "Hold on a second. The producers have given me a cheat sheet right here."
He pulled out an index card from his left pocket. He read from it, "It says here that your name is Robert Mellow. You're forty-two years old and you work for the San Francisco Opera."
Robert sang, "Thaaaaaaaaaaaat iiiiiiiiiiiis correeeeeeeeect."
Stumper cleared his throat. "Are you going to stay like this for the remainder of this show?"
Robert kept singing his sentences. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, iiiiiiiiiit's paaaaaaaaaart ooooof myyyyyyy joooooooooooooob."
"I have a feeling that you're going to irk me all day."
Stu added, "Well, better him than Miley and Taylor."
Stumper faked his smile. "Yeah, sure. Contestant number five, state your name and place of origin."
The fifth and last contestant looked like a staggered old man. He held a cane in his hand and he wore a thick beret on his head. "Hello, Percy, my name is Jonathan Spunky. I am from the city of Half Moon Bay, and I am eighty-five years old."
"Welcome to Sexy Situations, Jonathan. Are you married by any chance?"
"Yes, to my wonderful wife of fifty-six years."
"That's quite an achievement in itself, Jonathan."
Stu pointed his thumb at Jonathan. "I feel sorry for this guy already."
Stumper shook his head. "Please, Stu, not until after the show. Alright, gentlemen, get ready on your buzzers. Here's how the game works. A random word or phrase will light up on the big screen in the middle of this very stage. If the word of phrase is familiar to you and you would like to share your experience to me and the audience and the TV viewers, press the buzzer as fast as you can and tell us about your moment of sexual satisfaction. Be advised that only three of our five contestants have a chance for each category. Now, let's start."
The contestants picked up their buzzers from the floor.
A phrase revealed itself on the screen a few seconds later:
MOST INTERESTING LOCATION TO HAVE SEX
Adrian, Robert, and Jonathan pressed their buzzers almost simultaneously.
Stumper replied, "Adrian is the first. So now he must tell us the most interesting location for intercourse."
Adrian took a deep breath and said, "My girlfriend and I crossed the boundaries of commonplace technicalities. We wanted to take a risk...and we did it on the bed! We waited until the afternoon, and we did it at my girlfriend's place. We were alone. We had just finished our homework, and our natural urges couldn't be overlooked any longer. It was four o'clock. We did it in her BEDROOM!"
The entire studio had been enveloped in silence. Stu, Walter, Robert, and Jonathan gave confused looks at Adrian.
Stumper tapped his fingers on the podium. "Adrian, you do realize that the other contestants will probably have the upper hand in this game show, right?"
Adrian laughed nervously. "I'm still standing."
"Yeah, sure, buddy. Robert, you're next."
Robert began another song. "Myyyyyyyyyyyyy wiiiiiiiiiife aaaaaaaaaand IIIIIIIII paaaaaaaid aaaaaaa viiiiiiiisiiiiiiit tooooooooooo-"
Stumper raised a hand. "Robert, this game show is only half an hour long, so please don't push our buttons."
But the baritone didn't stop with his slow melodies. "Theeeeeeeee woooooooods iiiiiiiis theeeeeeeeee plaaaaaaaaace-"
"I'm gonna have to have a little talk with our producers later on. I'm sorry, Robert, but I have to stop you right there. You get no points for taking so damn long to answer a single question. Jonathan, why don't you give us your example of a most interesting place to have sex?"
Jonathan smiled and placed his cane on his lap. "I can remember the one place where my wife and I felt so satisfied with our steaming passion. Back in 1961, we visited Sequoia National Park. We were camping, and deep within our thoughts, we recollected the love that we shared in all forms of the human body. During the descending sunset, the two of us ran off, away from the campgrounds. We climbed up one of the giant sequoia trees with some special equipment. We found ourselves on one of the branches. She told me that she would never love another man for she is lucky to have a man like me. I told her that I would stay with her for as long as I live. The skies grew dark as the two of us made love on the branch. Believe me when I say it had become the greatest two hours of passion that I ever experienced."
Stumper asked the studio audience, "Isn't that the most interesting place to have sex, ladies and gentlemen?"
The audience stood up and cheered, police officers included.
Stu sighed. "I'm jealous of him already."
Walter added, "I could have told the same story."
Stumper proclaimed, "The audience has given their approval, which means Jonathan Spunky is on the board with one point!"
Jonathan clapped his hands. "Oh, those camping trips have really paid off!"
"Indeed, they have. Unfortunately, Robert and Adrian have no points, so they must work harder than before to make it to the next round. Let's move on to the second category. Hands on buzzers."
The second category was revealed on the screen:
DAYDREAMING
Stu, Walter, and Adrian became the first to press their buzzers.
Stumper stated, "Walter is first. Please explain to us your most interesting sexual daydream."
Walter smacked his lips. "Well, Percy, it went like this. I lay on the couch on a lazy Saturday afternoon. I closed my eyes. I dreamed of a beautiful young woman whose inner urges grew stronger as days flew by. I paid her a visit with a pizza box in my hand. I knocked on her front door three times. She opened the door, and-"
