The Trouble with Sex

Hey everyone! Tonight, I'm going to be spending a good bit of time talking about baby-making activities because my sister just had a baby. She called me up the other day and said, "Sean, I had a baby!" Had. As in past tense. As in there was a baby, but there is not a baby anymore.

She tells me, "I had a baby!" Oh really? What happened to it? Did you lose it? Were you playing poker and threw it into the pot on a pair of tens? No, you HAVE a baby. What you HAD was a big belly and an excuse to wake your husband up at 2:00 am to go shopping for pickles. Those days are gone.

So yeah. I'm going to be talking about sex, which is a big step for me. I've always been really uptight about sex. I didn't tell my girlfriend that we'd be doing it for a month afterward. I wasn't looking forward to that conversation. That'd just be awkward. Lucky for me, she's a pretty clever cookie and she figured it out already. I was like, "baby-"

She took my hand and said, "I know..."

We've been together for a while, but I'm still a little uptight. That's why I like to have sex in the dark. It takes the pressure off. If I screw up, I can just blame someone else. I'll be going to breakfast in the morning and she says, "Well if it isn't Paul Revere and the Minute Men."

I'm like, "Hey, you can't prove that was me. The lights were off! That could have been anybody in there!"

But we've been having sex for over a year now and we're running out of ideas, you know? We've tried every position we can think of, we've looked in books for ideas, we checked out the kama sutra 'til we realized you've gotta be on the freakin' space station to pull off that crap. So we're always looking for new exciting things. The other night she comes in and says she wanted to try a little domination. I'm like, "Sure. We'll start in Chechnia, take over the rest of the Balkans and if that goes well, we'll move into western Europe."

She's like, "No, I mean like Domination-Submission."

I said, "Screw it, we'll start in France then."

So a lot of people are experimenting with alternate sexualities to find that spark of something new and exciting. We've got straight people, gay people, greedy people, Bi-curious, bisexuals, trisexuals, metrosexuals. If I'm not mistaken, metrosexual means one who has sex with cities. Debbie already did Dallas back in the seventies. Do we really need to go there again?

Another big idea that kinda spins from that is the threesome, because you've got three people and only two genders. Someone has to be the odd man out. Actually, they say the number one mail fantasy is to have a threesome with gorgeous twins. They're like, "Hell yeah, man! It's like having sex with two of the same chick only I don't gotta drink a lotta beer first!"

Personally, I think that's disgusting. Come on, man. They're sisters. That's sick. The last thing I want in my sex life is for my girlfriend to say, "Sean, I want you naked in my bedroom now. And bring your dad."

Some people try to find excitement by playing sex games. They put the word "strip" in front of everything to make it thrilling. Strip poker. Strip blackjack. In the movie "Heathers," they played strip croquet. But that doesn't work for all games. Strip Golf? I don't want to see an 60 year old CEOs saying, "Well Bob, that was a double bogey on that last whole. Time to lose your polo shirt!" Strip monopoly could be fun if it didn't take you days just to lose your shoe.

A lot of people just end up resorting to porn for their excitement. It lets them do exciting things vicariously and they don't have to bring any strangers or farm animals into the bedroom. What gets me though is that we've got 24 hour porn shops now. Do we really need this, folks? Do we really have a lot of people sleeping soundly and then they wake up in the middle of the night, "I NEED LESBIANS NOW!"

"Midgets! I need Asian midgets!"

I don't think so. My guess is that everyone is thinking, "If I go do my porn shopping at three a.m., everyone I know will be asleep. No one will see me."

Except that everyone you know is having that same thought. You walk in and it's like an episode of 'This is your Life' in there. You're like, "Dad? I uh... just- came in to use the bathroom. No! The phone! I came to use the phone!"

"Aunt Mildred?"

"Father Callahan... What do you have there? Yeah, I thought Naughty Nuns 9 was much better than seven and eight too."

Ideally, you'll find yourself a really kinky girlfriend. That way, she'll come up with all of this wild crazy exciting stuff you can do without having to resort to outside help. The only problem is that women who are wild and crazy and kinky in bed tend to be wild and crazy out of bed too. After a while, she's start going nuts in the real world. You'll just be standing there, and she'll scream out, "I wanna fuck your brains out right here, and right now!"

You're like, "Baby... we're in church... I'm giving the sermon." So you're in a tricky situation. On the one hand, you don't want to keep her around because she's really creepy. On the other hand, if you break up with her, she'll probably cut your breaks on your car.

I've found a solution to this problem. I think up all the stuff I've been meaning to have done around the house and start talking like it's the last thing I want. "Yeah, I've decided that since I can't get rid of these roaches, I'll just make them my pets. That one's binky. That one's fred. By the way, we're over."

She's like, "The hell we are!" She starts smashing the roaches, "Well now he's over!"

You're like, "Not Binky! Fred! George!" But to keep her going you gotta keep having names for them so you start scraping the bottom of the barrel for names. "No! Amber-...schweitzer! Juliet 2: Electric Bugaloo!"

But to you guys in the audience who find yourselves in one of these relationships, I say "Get out, it's not too late." You may say that it's too hard finding someone. The dating scene has changed so much since you were in a relationship and I say that's bull. The dating scene hasn't changed for men in two million years. We still do the same thing as Neanderthals. You find a nice club, find a girl you like, get her smashed, and take her home.

Thank you. Good night everyone!