What's That Smell?

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never imagined in a million years I'd have a mind-blowingly erotic experience worth sharing with this esteemed magazine, but I have to tell someone about my sexy encounter with my girlfriend's grandma today.

The story begins, as they always do, on a pickleball court. Brooke was on fire, unleashing brilliant cross-court smashes and canny lobs with outstanding tactical prowess, and I was smart enough to get the fuck out of her way.

I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it. Anyway, after we collected our trophy as Under-20 division mixed-doubles champions, Brooke's skinny but wiry body was glowing with sweat and her excitement was palpable even though her Kevlar sports bra kept the state of her nipples an enigma.

Before we moved on to the library, she suggested we go to her place and take a quick shower. I hinted that maybe I could join her seeing as her parents were away at that fundamentalist Christian death cult camp, but oh no, I wasn't gonna see her goodies any time soon. Brooke made it very clear that she was holding off on sex until after marriage to somebody else.

She directed me to the living room and in lieu of a shower, she handed me a roll of Bounty and told me to cool my heels before she bounded up the stairs to cleanse her virginal body. I slunk off down the hall, blue balled and cursing my luck, and once in the parlor I was surprised to discover Brooke & I weren't alone after all.

Her grandmother Audrey was lounging on the couch, smiling at me and looking me up and down, much as a leopard sizes up a wounded wart hog on the Serengeti plain, that is if the cat was supersized and old enough to remember the Boer War.

Audrey was a big girl but even in her muumuu I could tell she was packing triple Es that flopped and rolled as she got to her feet. I marvelled at the gravitational pull of those puppies, so huge her brassiere had to be designed by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. And she needed the support -- not only had she failed the pencil test, she could carry an IBM Selectric under those mammaries and could have probably breastfed the state of Delaware back in the day when they were operational.

"Young man, I want to have a word with you," Grandma Audrey said acidly, pointing toward the spot next to her. I sighed and took a seat, ready for the inquisition I knew was coming. But I was ready for that, from any of Brooke's parental units. Nothing was happening, I assured her. I mean NUH-thing.

Audrey nodded with a smile. "I believe you," she purred. "Brooke is a good girl, she would never do that." She waggled her thick caterpillar-like eyebrows. "On the other hand I am a BAD, BAD girl." She shuffled closer, nostrils flaring like Jabba the Hutt getting a whiff of Princess Leia in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, which is still the best one in the series in my opinion.

She placed her hand on my sweaty knee and let her finger do the walking up my thigh. My jaw dropped. What was happening here? "But...but...what about Brooke?!"

Audrey dismissed her granddaughter with a wave. "Missy takes hours in there," she snorted. "She thinks we're all stupid but I know she replaced the shower head with a 'Womanizer Wave'." Which at once explained how Brooke's complexion cleared up so quickly.

Then things started to happen quickly. Our eyes met and I understood that she wanted my mouth to go south and I was eager to oblige. Assuming as a man I would need directions, she pulled up her dress, parted her legs, grabbed the nape of my neck and quickly introduced my puss to her pussy.

I was stunned to behold it, nothing like I'd ever seen before in Hustler, Penthouse or even National Geographic. I cursed myself for not wearing a headlamp, feeling certain if I could get a look inside I'd find neolithic wall paintings. I got to work with my tongue and suddenly I was hungry for a roast beef sandwich.

Annoyingly, she kept up a running commentary on my fumbling love making, my ham-fisted handling of tender parts and whenever I missed the mark entirely which was, like, all the time. It sounded like she was doing play-by-play for a New York Jets game. To be fair I'd never been with a woman before, let alone one that would be approached by Greenpeace warriors in a zodiac if she ever ventured off the beach.

In frustration, she stuffed her chipped blood-red press-on nailed left mitt into her cooch to demonstrate how it's done. She was a marvel at self-pleasure, her breathing became wild, her body quaked and odd animal noises emitted from her mouth. I wondered what I would do if/when it was finally my turn, afraid it would be like throwing a cocktail wiener into a wet and funky hotel ballroom.

Suddenly Audrey stiffened like Jell-O left too long in the freezer and emitted a blood curdling scream: Oh god, oh god I'm coming!!!

What happened next remains a blur as Brooke's granny unleashed a torrent of viscous effluvia not seen since the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Prudhoe Bay and I underwent a waterboarding unparalleled since Guantanamo Bay. I tossed and spluttered like a surfer subsumed by the Banzai Pipeline, not knowing which way was up. Even as I was drowning I tried to grasp a phenomena that seemed to violate the laws of fluid dynamics not to mention the space-time continuum theory and several articles of the Geneva Convention.

As I scrambled to escape, Audrey rolled on top of me, sobbing, giggling and, yes, pussy farting like a beached whale at Cape Cod if it had somehow been fucked by a minnow then got lost in the afterglow. Luckily there was still a roll of Bounty on the coffee table.

At that moment, a voice came from outside of the room. "Jesus, what's that smell?"

Audrey and I gaped at each other -- we forgot about Brooke! We then saw the look of horror on her face as we struggled to disentangle ourselves, but only succeeded in producing a tableau suitable for the Kama Sutra.

"What the fuck!" she screamed before skidding through a puddle of squirt and landing on the both of us. I never imagined in a million years that I would wind up in a greasy threesome this way, but life is funny.

Brooke was not laughing -- she immediately swam away and leapt to her feet, even as her shower towel flew behind her like a cape in a DC movie. Her oiled nipples were gleaming and disappointing all at once.

"My grandmother! My boyfriend! The carpet!" she sputtered, an inventory of sin and future steam cleaning.

"Brooke, wait, I can explain, this isn't what it looks like!" I gargled.

"It looks like Shamu just gave birth in the main theatre tank at Sea World!" Brooke wailed, pretty much accurately describing the scene.

At last Audrey sat up and folded her arms across her ample chest, reminding me of that time I visited the Grand Canyon and masturbated off a cliff. She began to cry.

"Brooke, darling, there's something -- something you must know," she sobbed. "I didn't want you to find out this way, but the truth must be told." She began shaking, her monster tits heaving and spraying like a Saint Bernard fresh out of the drink.

"I'm not really your grandmother -- 20 years ago your dad knocked up his secretary and your mother, my daughter, raised you as her own. This, of course, after she punted the slut in the twat and locked your father in chastity through the Bush administration."

Brooke's lips trembled. "Oh gawd, that means...that means..."

Audrey smiled and opened her arms, releasing her huge veined orbs of doom. "That's right sweetheart. I'm really your step-nana."

The step granddaughter didn't have to be told twice. "I'm gonna get me some of those," she gushed before motorboating the old doll, leaving me in the corner with the Bounty, soaking up 33% more crap than the next leading brand.

My previously prudish girlfriend practically disappeared into Audrey's vagina, the old lady howling in delight that the rookie came off the bench to win the game. I probably should have tied a line around Brooke's waist but, alas, it was too late. It was all for the best.

I left the May/December-next-year lovers alone to their unspeakably naughty devices and went home to share this extraordinary adventure with you, Dear Penthouse Forum.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get into my pizza delivery boy outfit. Those girls gotta be hungry by now and probably won't be able to pay for these double pepperonis with mushrooms and extra cheese.

ENDS