The story you are about to read is surreal. They involve characters you donât know and love and an epic battle is fought between the forces of evil and sneaky evil. So grab your popcorn bag, loosen your belt buckles and grab a cold one, as without further adieu I bring you the classic story - The Sexorcist.
Our story begins somewhere in Hawaii where a so called innocent girl hereafter referred to as Chase has come down with what she thinks is a common virus. She returns home where she runs up to her bed (and no, a radioactive spider didnât bite her if thatâs what you were thinking). Anyways, after some time her mom seems to think that she is acting strange and goes into her room to check on her. What she sees inside this ghostly dark room is quite shocking. Written in blood upon young Chaseâs walls is the word "Zuel".
"Chase darling come have some tea my dear", requests her mother half full of fear. In a gravelling chain smoker voice definitely with a demonic slant the terrified mother hears "Be gone Human. Chase is gone. Only I, Zuel rule this body".
The mother freaks and runs to her phone frantically calling 9-1-1. "Help. My daughter has been possessed by a demon called Zuel. What can you do? Hello...Hello...please don't hang up on me".
Suddenly the mother feels herself effortlessly being lifted by the back of her neck. She dares not turn to face that demonic being who has taken over her daughter. She hears Zuel speak to her "I have a job for you. I wish for you to bring over guys and girls to me intending to have sex and little will they know that I will eat their flesh raw. Do it now. Or you will never see your daughter again." Chaseâs mother collapses on the ground, looks around and sees that she is alone. Was it a dream? She hears hunger groans from Chaseâs room and sees drops of green slime around her feet.
Her task is clear. She must help her daughter even if others are to lose their life. If Zuel is appeased perhaps he/she/it will let her lovely daughter go. Seems logical and she goes and places an ad entitled âfree sexâ in the local newspaper.
A month drifts by as some 40 bodies have vanished which is fairly normal in Hawaii. Zuel's appetite has grown and the demon demands more. The mother freaking out realizes that she must do something and something fast.
While half a world a way...
"You know Professor Fred, I really appreciate the chance you've given me to do some extra credit work to get my degree in Sexorcistology. I mean you are by far the most leading expert on the subject", a young Bryan adds.
"Yes, Bryâ, I am that and so much more. It is I who women come to when they are possessed of that fear factor concerning swallowing a man's cum. When I finish with them, they can swallow like the best of them and not miss a drop", notes Professor Fred.
"And for those frigid types?â reminds pupil Bryan.
"Yes. I can take those CEO workaholics and turn them into healthy productive nymphomaniacs. And of course I test my merchandise personally before letting it get back on the streets. You know Bry', there has yet to be a girl with a phobia that I've not been able to Sexorcise", replays the Fredster.
"Well life is good...â offers Bryan as the telephone suddenly rings.
"Hello...this is Professor Fred, Sexorcist extraordinaire. How can I be of service to you? Yes...Ah ha...Yes...Of course...that's what I'm here for...Excellent...so hold on a sec and talk with my assistant...â Professor Fred proceeds to pass the phone to his assistant. âHey Bryan, seems there's some crazy mother in Hawaii on the line. Get her credit card number and book us first class. I have a group session needing nympho conversion in about 15 minutes and I want to take a shower firstâ Professor Fred tells his youthful assistant.
âNo problem boss. Asian vegetarian on the flight?â Bryan offers.
âNaw...make it steak. Raw steak. I think we got a live one on our hands...â Professor Fred responds splitting the scene.
Soon...
âHey, Professor Fred that was one rocking flight we had, but it seems you kind of went to the bathroom quite a lot. Something you ate?â Bryan tries to act witty for a change.
"Nope but the stewardess ate plenty if you catch my drift my young apprentice. Ah...taxi we are at our location. Tip the driver for me Bryââ' Professor Fred delivers.
The two Sexorcists have arrived at their destination descending from the cab as the driver bolts out of there in a flash.
As they glance upon the house a feeling of dread fills the air around them as they climb those few steps leading towards a half open door. Without speaking a word Professor Fred enters the abode and notices that electricity no longer functions in this place to indicate some past due bill (a clue?). The door in typical cliché' fashion locks itself from behind. Suddenly, Bryan and Professor Fred hear their names being called from above. Knowing that it is just a chic with a rather horse demonic voice they know she is no match for a group of professionally trained Sexocists. Slowly they go up the stairway into the vile smelling room.
Professor Fred immediately recognizes the subject in question.
"Oh it is you Chase. You don't seem to be looking so good about now,â Professor Fred says as he looks for a handy barf bag.
"Silence human. Chase is no more. It is only Zuel that lives in this body,â offers Zuel/Chase.
"Zuel? Don't you have a statue of yourself located in some Nomad's land in the Middle East?â offers Professor Fred in an obvious attempt to bluff.
âYes. What of it?â snorts Zuel/Chase.
âWell as I remember ages ago I chanced upon your statue which the natives said was hauntedâ Professor Fred obviously holding back the punch line.