Ole Onebreast

The following story is a part of a chain story involving a one-breasted woman. It is a parody, so if you don't like funny, please move on, no animals or authors were injured or killed in writing this tale.

She ran through the woods as fast as she could, branches whipping and stinging her face as she frantically tried to get away. It was real, the legend was real and Lou had really seen it even though they all laughed at her. Now it was Abby's turn to see it, and it literally scared the shit out of her.

Abby refused to look back. She knew from watching years of bad horror films, that is when you fall and get caught by what ever it is that's chasing you. She also regretted wearing high heels while camping, but they looked so cute with her outfit, she just had to, she was not going to have someone look back at this and say her shoes did not go with her ensemble.

The creature behind her babbled inanely, but she couldn't make out the words and she wasn't about to stop and ask. It sounded like the two same words repeated over and over, sometimes together other times one at a time. What did it mean? Gang bang?

She could hear the noises coming from the campsite up ahead, The sound of fire wood snapping and crackling and the muffled voices made her feel at ease. The group was gathered and mesmerized by one of Og and Lou's debates on the best way to remove keyboard arachnids. Their British accent made it sound like they had a mouth full of marbles, but the group was still heard to utter ooh's and ahh's.

Suddenly, a hideous figure jumped out in front of her, she tried to scream, but she couldn't catch her breath.

"Got any spare ciggies?" It was Fag Ash Lil.

She checked her pockets, and then looked into her purse. Cell phone, tampons, map, gum, taser, pepper spray, brush, hairdryer, Harpoon, fashion magazine, beanie baby key chain, rain bonnet, (her mom insisted, 'you never know when it might rain') compact, blush, lipstick, chap stick, eyeliner, eye shadow (all earth tones of course), tanning lotion, moisturizer (you can never start early enough) a machete', iPod and headphones, GPS system, mints (fresh breath is essential, even in the woods) a pair of chopsticks and an inflatable life raft. Then she looked in the main compartment, and there was a pack of cigarettes.

"Here ya go Lil, now where was I?

"Thanks love, you were runnin' about, screamin' like a banshee. Wanna see me snatch?"

"No thanks Lil, put it away, another time maybe."

Abby straightened her shirt, smoothed her shorts, checked her stockings, (Oh shit, a runner,) and fixed her hair and then ran screaming toward the camp. Seeing her approaching from the woods like a mad hatter, Charley took another drag of her cigarette, rolled her eyes and then took a swig from her canteen of Black Russians. "Hmmm. Did someone forget to bring the big net, looks like the loonies have escaped again"

Og and Lou were still going on about spider infestations and what Scotsmen wear under their kilts. Jeanne and BOF were playing strip poker, while Cloudy was creating a very pornographic sand painting. Inside one of the tents, Mllebleumoon could be heard clearing her throat or coughing up a hairball.

Abby came to an abrupt halt, applied some chap stick, blotted her cheeks and nose and looked at the oblivious campers. "Hellooo!. I hate to interrupt, but I've just been running from Ole Onebreast. Aren't you guys gonna run or scream or shoot or move for that matter?"

They all stopped, stared past her and then went back to what they were doing. Only Fag Ash Lil spoke. "Nothing behind you but trees, trees and bushes. I have a bush, wanna see?"

Abby shot a mean glance as Lil walked away laughing, then stood there with her arms crossed and tapped her foot on the ground. She couldn't believe no one cared about the impending doom nor commented on her outfit.

"I can't believe none of you care about the impending doom or commented on my outfit."

Charley, who was sunning herself like a snake on a large rock, pushed herself up onto her elbows, tipped her sunglasses downwards and assessed Abby from head to toe.

"You look like someone from L.L. Bean threw up on you. Please tell me you slept with someone for those clothes, and didn't pay any actual money for them."

Charley took another drink from her canteen, flicked her cigarette stub into the campfire and lay back down on the rock.

Abby thought about how much she wanted to use her telekinetic powers to make Charley burst into a flame, imagined slamming gym doors, prom decorations burning and everyone screaming to get out. Then she remembered that was Carrie and unfortunately not Charley. So she just threw her the finger instead.

As Jeanne removed her shirt and threw it on a pile of discarded clothes, she looked curiously at Abby.

"Abs, when did you get back? You look frightful, love, why don't you sit by the fire and relax, or would you like to join us in a nice card game?"

"No, I don't want to play cards. Did no one hear me? I said, Ole Onebreast chased me and worse yet, I've got a run in my stocking. Who's idea was it to come out here in these god forsaken woods anyway?"

BOF was dealing another hand of playing cards to Jeanne, all the while eyeing up her lovely lace bra, but Abby's ranting broke her concentration.

"It was your idea to come out to these god forsaken woods, you're the writer and you've got us all stuck here in this poor excuse for a story. Now shut up or get on with the damn thing. I'm winning here!"

Og's ears perked up at the mention of Ole Onebreast. He stopped his intense conversation of turtle sex and British Politics, but mainly what is in the Queen's purse, and then walked over to Abby.

"Did you say.Ole Onebreast?

Abby looked up at the reader -which is you, so acknowledge her - and threw up her hands in frustration , "Is it just me? You heard me, right? You felt my terror as I ran through the woods and you felt terrible about the run in my stocking, didn't you? No? Well fuck you too."

Abby turned back to Og and stared at him, then at Lou, then at Charley, then at Cloudy, then at Jeanne, then at BOF and then at Lil. She popped her head inside the tent, so as to not leave MlleLeBoufant out of the picture. After making sure she got a good stare at everyone she again spoke. "Yes, Ole Onebreast. She chased me through the woods, her inane babbling was heard over the sound of my beating heart, beads of sweat formed on my brow, the branches snapped at my flesh like tiny whips."

There was a resounding SMACK as Lou reached over and slapped Abby across the face - hard. Possibly hard enough to leave a bruise, definitely causing a stinging sensation, but a slap none the less.

"Cut the Drama Queen act and tell us what the fuck you're talking about already, you daft bitch."

Rubbing her cheek Abby made a mental note to knock Lou off of her Christmas card list.

"I was off in the woods, to, you know? I did have 15 cups of coffee. I was reading my magazine - what the fuck is it with Renee Zellwiger's lips anyway - when I heard, very softly at first, 'gangbang, gangbang'. I thought it was just a frog or a bear or a zebra, and then I remembered there are no bears around here. So I finished reading about how scientists are trying to figure out a way to use Pamela Anderson's old implants to plug the hole in the ozone, when I heard it again. Needless to say, I never finished the article.

"I turned around to see what was making the noise and there she was about 10yrds away from me. I couldn't really see her face, but surer than shit, there was this one big-ass tit staring right at me.

"I decided to air dry and get the hell out of there. I ran as fast as I could, stopping only once to pull up my shorts, pat a chipmunk on the head, and pick some wild flowers. She was behind me all the while, giggling and repeating the same thing over and over and over, like a CD that has a scratch in it, or something. I kept running until I got back here. I thought for sure she would catch me and do God knows what to me, but as usual, I got dumped."

Lou walked over to Abby and put her arms around her.

"I'm so sorry."

"That you slapped me? Oh, it only stings a little, that's all"

"No, I've always wanted to slap you, it seemed like as good a time as any. I meant I'm sorry you had to see her. I remember it well myself, it haunts me day and night, night and day, that huge nipple, just poking out from that one tit. Still gives me the chills."

Og scratched his beard and adjusted his cake; he glanced warily at Jeanne and BOF. Charley didn't budge.

Og shook his head. "I didn't want to believe it, but the legend is true. Which means she's out there, watching us, stalking us."

Cloudy finished the last bit of shading on a muscular derrière, brushed the sand from her hands and stood up. "Ancient Indian tales tell of a creature, a female, known to endlessly repeat a curious message. They called her Watthefuckisthat, which translates to 'One who speaks like a 'duck's ass'. Many warriors have tried to destroy her, only to come back with empty balls and bleeding ears, they went insane. We must call upon the great spirits for protection and guidance. Someone get my pipe and medicine bag.

"Will smoking the pipe help us to see the spirits better?" asked Og.

"No, I ran out of cigarettes and I'm dying for a smoke."

Upon hearing this, Charley roused herself from her rock, slid down from it, and flask in hand, walked over to the group.

"I'll take a hit off that if it keeps me from listening to the rest of you. Anyway, I don't believe in such nonsense. I also can't believe that any of us here would ever really go camping together. Camping is a form of self abuse and a waste of good make-up."

Lil walked over to Charley, eyeing up the pack of cigarettes she had rolled up in her shirtsleeve.

"Don't even think about it Lil, and no, I don't want to see your snatch."

Lil walked away smiling and scratching her arse. Abby finally spoke up, again.

"All I know is that it will be dark soon and she's out there somewhere. Worse yet, my cell phone is out of service here so we can't even have pizza delivered. I mean, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm starved. I brought some microwave burritos and popcorn, but that's about it."

The others also agreed that eating would be a good idea and gathered what they had each brought along. Og pulled out his sausage, but it was really only a small pepperoni, Lou extracted a large Kebab from her sack, while Jeanne was more prepared with tiny watercress sandwiches, the crust's cut off and perfectly shaped. BOF brought some vegemite and other inedible Aussie foods. Cloudy presented some buffalo jerky and maize. We called it corn, and she got mad. Lil reached into her shirt feeling around in the space where her own breast used to be and pulled something out, holding it up triumphantly high.

"Ball O' cheese!"

Upon hearing that, the flap to the tent confining MlleCordonBleu flew open and out she strolled in braided pigtails, a horned helmet and spear. "Did someone say Valkyries?"

Everyone shouted in unison, "NO!"

MlleleBonaparte dropped her shoulders and went back inside her tent, calling back to the others. "I have some Fig Newton's and Oreos, be right back."

Charley rolled her eyes again, and made her way to the mess tent, which suddenly appeared unnoticed. After hearing the sounds of pots and pans rattling, a blender blending, and the oven timer going off, she emerged pushing a large banquet table. The table was groaning from the weight of the food and dinnerware.

"I had a feeling this would happen, so I packed a little something for everyone."

The table was graced with a beautiful hand tatted lace cloth, the napkins embroidered with a "C", were perched on top of fine bone china and crystal sparkled from the candlelight.

"We thank thee who hath gathered us here in sylvan wonder for the feast we are about to commence, yea, though we walk in the shadow of Death in the Land of milk and honey, we don't not fear for I shall take these loaves and fishes and feed the masses. For you O Great One, have brought us here together for some divine purpose that has yet to be revealed unto us, your flock, a carnival of lost souls, a gaggle of geese, who's purpose is to write a story, the greatest story ever told."

They all took their assigned seats and bowed their heads as Og, led them in a prayer of thanks.

The table had quite an array of foods thrown together for a quick dinner in the woods, the usual was served: Cajun trout with pecan butter and muniere sauce, Ginger chicken on a bed of mandarin/almond dressing, old world Bolognese sauce with spices only, marinated asparagus, soup de jour was vichyssoise along with a cream of mushroom and a Spanish chicken noodle, Charley's own personal salad with asiago and pecans, and Caribbean shrimp curry. A few deserts were hurriedly whipped up, chocolate truffle torte with raspberry coulis, triple chocolate truffle torte with coffee cream, and a fabulous white chocolate cheesecake with sun dried cherries, toasted coconut and a macadamia crust.

The dinner conversation revolved around how they would handle an attack by Ole Onebreast. Lou was in favour of letting her loose to be free in her territory. Og and Jeanne discussed the importance of trapping her and studying her. Charley thought entrapment was also a good idea, but the potential to make money was not to be overlooked and she already mentally started working out an ad campaign. BOF wondered it she would go well with vegemite. Only Cloudy understood the evil intentions of such a creature and went off to her tent to call upon guidance from the great spirits. This creature could very well be a skin walker besides being a cannibal. Nothing appealed to her. Lil wondered if Ole Onebreast might have any spare ciggies. Abby knew that she didn't want to come across the hideous beast again; it was hell on her heels.

BOF was suddenly hit by a call from Mother Nature; too many lagers had taken their toll on her kidneys. She excused herself from the table and went to her tent in search of toilet paper.

"Crikey," she yelled from inside the tent. "Anyone got a spare dunny roll, mine's gone off somewhere?"

"I have a roll of Charmin in my knapsack you can use." said Abby.

"A roll of what?"

"Charmin!'

Suddenly MllePlumbline burst from her tent in peasant dress, barefoot, her hair loose and wild, and with a rose between her teeth.

"Did someone say Carmen?"

They all called out in unison, "NO!"

She looked at the group, flicked the back of her hand off of her chin, spun about on her heels, head held high, and went back inside mumbling something about insipid culturally deprived trailer dwellers.

Abby jumped up and slammed her fists on the table, completely for dramatic effect, and shouted. "No one is taking this serious enough. She's out there, watching us all the time. Just waiting for us to have fun. Here we are, all friends, sitting like-um-sitting ducks. We have to think of something!"

They all sat back and thinking about it. Like Winnie the Pooh, tapping their heads, and muttering, Og stroked his beard, as did Jeanne. Lou stroked herself thinking no one would notice. Cloudy and Charley were smoking the pipe and giggling. BOF had gone off into the woods to, well you know. Mlle Le Beaujolais emerged from her tent, and Fag Ash Lil - just was.

"I think," Mlle sang out, "I think, I'll have some of that cheesecake."

Whacking off a healthy slice, she eyed the other campers with mild amusement. She knew well that battling a creature such as this would take a lot out of them, not all would be going home from this trip- (dramatic pause) ALIVE!

Meanwhile, out in the brush, BOF was merrily humming a ditty about a kookaburra and a dingo getting married in the pouch of a kangaroo, never knowing she was being followed all the while.

Finding a comfy fork in a tree, she settled in, singing her little song." Marry me, she's a beauty eh', say I do with the didgeridoo, nuk, nuk wallawoo, honeymoon in a kangaroo."

She stopped in the middle of her nonsensical song when she heard what sounded like a baby crying. Why there would be a babe out in the bush was beyond her reckoning. Not the time of the year for babes to be moving about. She waited, and not hearing anything after a moment or two, she went back to her ridiculous singing. Just when she got to the part where the croc eats the bride's side of the family, she heard it again. "Right then, is someone there? If you're looking for the Barbie it's back a bit, give me a sec to shake it loose and I'll walk back with you."

She finished her business and was in the midst of buttoning up her jumper when there in front of her was Ole Onebreast! Her eyes grew wide and as she opened her mouth to scream, Ole Onebreast gave her a mouthful of teat.

"Gangbang, gangbang, gangbang, bang gang bang!'

Back at camp, the others were still trying to figure out a way to stay safe from Ole Onebreast. Og and Jeanne had started to stroke each other's beards while Lou secured herself a rather large cucumber and slipped under the table. Charley tried to show Cloudy her own version of riding bareback, causing Cloudy to yell out a rather loud, 'Whoop' and MlleLePetiteEclair and Abby were circling the last piece of chocolate cake, both wielding knives and forks.

It seemed as though Charley had mistaken Cloudy's medicine bag for an herb pouch, not realizing the contents were a powerful aphrodisiac.

They were all pretty well wasted at that point.

A loud banging came from under the table as Lou slapped her hand against the wooden planks. Apparently the cucumber tossed her salad. Jeanne was lying across the table, arms flailing about, aimlessly tossing food around as Og stuffed her goose with his own sausage dressing, enjoying the buffet Jeanne was now serving off of her body. He licked at the Bolognese sauce she spread around her breasts, wondering what spices Charley used, and yet never missed a beat as he topped off Jeanne's love cup, - a fine champagne, but less bubbly. However, when he finally pulled out of her, there was a loud "POP" like a champagne cork. Charley and Cloudy had gone back to smoking the pipe and giggling. Abby had passed out in the empty cake dish, while MlleLeGreyPoupon licked her fingers to stab at the remaining chocolate crumbs on the table, unaware of the fork impaled in her other hand. Lil gingerly held up a taquito, wondering if it could be a new kind of ciggie.

The campsite grew quiet from the final coming down off the lingering effects of dinner. Pops and crackles were coming from the slowly dying fire. Og let out a healthy snore from between Jeanne's legs, disturbing Lou's sleepy mutterings from beneath the table. MlleLeBuenasNoches was leaning against Abby lost in silent slumber. Cloudy had gone off to her tepee, while Charley made herself at home in the Winnebago. Lil sat and smoked while thinking to herself, "the time is nigh when all ends will be revealed." Not a creature was stirring, not even a doormouse. Even the crickets ceased their chirping, the owls didn't give a hoot. The air was as silent as death.

"GANGBANG, GANGBANG, GANGBANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!"

"What the fuck?" yelled Lou as she bolted upright, smacking her head off the table, which startled Jeanne and Og causing them to bump foreheads, jostling MlleLeHolyShit, who then shook Abby making her bolt upright with the cake plate stuck to her face, the sight of which caused Lil to let out a loud cackling laugh, frightening Cloudy who came out of her tepee brandishing a tomahawk, which she threw against the swung open door of the Winnebago, barely missing Charley's head as she charged out in her red satin pyjamas, and embroidered matching slippers, her avocado mask still slathered on her face.