"He wants us to infiltrate a nudist colony?"
"Yes, Sarah, that's what he said."
"But why, Katie?"
"He said he would explain it all to us. We have a meeting with him after lunch."
"Hey, did you ever see
Nudist Colony of the Dead
? Wow, those nude zombies scared the living crap out of me!"
"Oh, everything scares you, Sarah. You started screaming when we were watching some movie the other night."
"Katie, that was a porn flick. I wasn't screaming because I was frightened."
Sarah and Katie, journalism majors, had obtained employment at CNBN as interns for the summer. Reverend Seymour Kunt, owner of the company, had hired them despite the fact that they declined his request to interview for the position in the nude.
* * *
The girls arrived promptly for the meeting at 1:00 p.m.
Reverend Kunt began, "We don't require that everyone here at CNBN accept assignments that require nudity. We are all about giving our employees opportunities to . . . uh . . . develop their full potential. The Christian Naked Broadcasting Network is going to present you two lovely young ladies with a wonderful opportunity." Sarah and Katie looked bored already. "And I might add that you will be paid triple your current salary." He suddenly had the full attention of the girls.
"Who do we have to sleep with?" Katie asked seriously.
"That is entirely up to you, young lady," he replied sternly. "But remember what happened to Eve when she had sex with Satan, according to the second chapter of Genesis. Her guilt was so great that she no longer frolicked in the Garden of Eden in the nude."
"Eve had sex with Satan?" Katie blurted incredulously.
Seymour Kunt pulled his Bible from the bookcase and read Genesis 2:25. "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."
"I'm not ashamed of being naked," Sarah asserted when he paused, "I'm just not sure I want to do the weather forecast in the nude like you asked me to."
"Well, I want the weather to be more popular than the sports, you know. Our country has made sports figures idols. God doesn't like that. You may recall the second of the ten commandments."
"Of course I know
The Ten Commandments
. Who hasn't seen that movie. I guess what concerned me the most is that you wanted me to use words like 'blow job' and 'titty twister' instead of 'hurricane' and 'tornado.' I mean, thousands of viewers would see and hear me. Maybe somebody I know, who would tell my parents. Geez, they keep threatening to cut me off with paying for college and stuff. They hate my boyfriends, for one thing."
"Sarah, your last boyfriend was an ex-convict," Katie reported sarcastically.
"Hey now, Katie, he paid his debt to society and he did became a born-again Christian in prison. God forgave him for stealing those expensive cars from rich people, didn't he, Reverend Kunt?"
"Sure God did, Sarah. In fact, your ex-convict boyfriend did those rich people a good deed in terms of their eternal destiny."
"How's that?" Sarah inquired.
"Matthew 19:24: 'It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.' The only one God will never forgive is Satan, due to the serpent's seduction and impregnation of Eve. Not that it was necessarily all his fault. I mean, she
was
naked, and it takes two to do the horizontal tango, if you get my drift."
Reverend Kunt went on to tell the story of Satan's seduction of Eve. Sarah was speechless at the end of his dissertation, but not Katie.
"What does
that
have to do with our assignment, Reverend Kunt?" Katie asked.
Reverend Kunt contemplated the question for a few moments. "A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible but when deflated, it read WY. After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's special emblem of devotion. Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had WY tattooed on his penis. 'Hey,' Jack said with a smile, 'what a coincidence, your girlfriend must also be named Wendy.' The bartender replied, 'Oh no, mon, mine say WELCOME TO JAMAICA AND PLEASE ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"
"What does
that
have to do with our assignment, Reverend Kunt?" Katie asked.
"The individual you are to find in the nudist colony has a tattoo on his penis," he replied matter-of-factly."
"Oh, I've seen penis tattoos before," Katie said. "This one dude I met at a biker rally had his package done up like a dragon. The underside of his dick and his balls were a big mouth with huge teeth."
"Yeah, and I bet you seduced the serpent, instead of vice versa, like Satan and Eve," Sarah snapped.
"What does this dude with the penis tattoo look like?" Katie questioned, ignoring Sarah's bitchy comment.
"Now that's an interesting question, young lady. Complicating your recognition of this individual is the fact that masks are worn at this particular nudist colony, for reasons of anonymity."
"Well, what does his penis tattoo look like then?" Katie inquired further.
"He has the mark of the beast tattooed on his penis. You know, 666."
"That might be hard to notice, unless you get real close," Sarah said, looking puzzled.
"Very true," Reverend Kunt agreed. Now are you girls up for the assignment? I'll give you two weeks salary in advance."
He reached in his desk drawer, pulled out a stack of fifties, counted it, and separated it into two piles. The girls grabbed the money.
"Let's go shopping at the mall!" Katie exclaimed gleefully.
"Young ladies, you don't need new clothes where you're going!" Reverend Kunt chastised. "Now get naked for me. I want to give you some tips on how to act at a nudist colony."
Sarah and Katie shed their clothing, which took a little longer than usual because they refused to let go of the money.
"Holy shit 'er I mean smoke!" the reverend exclaimed, staring at the two voluptuous bodies. "You're not supposed to stare at the nudist colony, but in the case of you two, it will be extremely difficult for anyone other than gay males to avoid feasting their eyes on your . . . ahem . . . attributes. Let's just hope that the Antichrist is just as impressed with your nakedness as I am, and as Satan was with Eve's."
"I'm just glad we'll be wearing masks!" Sarah blurted.
"Here are the directions to Bare Lake Nudie Camp, girls. Just check in with the director when you arrive. I talked to him so he is expecting you. Incidentally, it won't cost anything for your accommodations, including food and booze. The camp is having an open house for attractive young ladies in their twenties to celebrate Nude Day."
"Reverend Kunt, can you give us some other clue as to how we can find this dude with the mark of the beast on his penis?" Katie requested.
"He says he is the Antichrist. Of course, we need to find out whether or not he really is. Can you imagine how we'd jack up the ratings of the Christian Naked Broadcasting Network if we did interviews with the Antichrist? Why, we'd get more coverage than baseball players on steroids."
"If this Antichrist is such a seducer, as Satan was, what if he knocks us up?" Katie questioned, looking terrified. "We'd have Rosemary's Baby or some such thing!"
Reverend Kunt reached in his desk drawer again. "Here are some condoms. They have the Christian Naked Broadcasting Network logo on them."
* * *
