The Buck Lick April Celebration

Now, unless you grew up around Buck Lick, Tennessee, you probably don't know where it is, and us folks who live here kinda like it that way. It isn't that we don't like people droppin' in on us to visit for a spell because we do. It's just that Buck Lick was founded by some pretty independent people and that philosophy has stuck with us for the last hundred and sixty years or so. We'd like you to come visit us. Just don't try to change how we do things, that's all we ask.

As it happens, Buck Lick, Tennessee isn't really big enough to draw many visitors, wasn't even before they built Interstate 40 and sort of shuffled us off onto a county highway. We just have the one main street through town called Main Street and another that crosses Main called Church Street. It's called Church Street because the Baptist church sits down at the end with the cemetary behind it. We have a couple more streets, of course, but they're just streets that go by houses so there's nothing really interesting to see on them...well...unless Sally Ann Wolfson is working in her flower beds. Sally Ann likes to be comfortable when she works on her flower beds, and to her, comfortable means little shorts and a halter top. Her halter tops never seem to fit very good, so her big breasts kind of fall out the top when she bends over.

Yes, Sally Ann is interesting when that happens. She's interesting enough Marvin Ray Moore's wife won't let him drive down her street anymore. The last time Marvin Ray drove past Sally Ann's house, he got himself all distracted and ran his pickup into a tree in Sally Ann's neighbor's yard. He didn't get hurt and it only made a little bend in his truck bumper because Marvin Ray is eighty one and never drives much more than ten miles an hour, but his wife knew why he'd done it and told him if he did it again, he'd have to start sleeping in the barn. I guess he likes being warm at night so he said he wouldn't. I can't believe there's any other reason he's want to sleep with Marilyn Sue. She's eighty two and not really all that sexy.

At last count, there were five hundred and six and a half residents in town. The half is because Gladys Jean is about six months along with her fourth baby. She and Johnny James have popped one out about every year and a half since they got married at the Baptist church. She told Jackie, my wife, this will be the last one though.

"I told Johnny after this one, he has to go get hisself fixed. He didn't think much of the idea until Doc Mason said it wouldn't do anything to him except stop his little swimmers from gettin' where I don't want 'em. He was afraid if he got fixed, his poker wouldn't poke no more, but Doc Mason told him his poker will poke just like it always has."

Well, I could understand her feelings. Gladys Jean is only about four ten and when she's pregnant, she looks like a watermelon with legs, arms, and a head. I understand Johnny James too. When Gladys Jean isn't pregnant, you've never seen a tiny little woman with such big breasts and such a nice round ass. If I was Johnny James, I'd want my poker to poke her as often as I could. That would be a sight to see, Johnny James with his poker poking Gladys Jean, I mean, not me poking Gladys Jean. Jackie would make me sleep in the garage if I did something like that. Johnny James is about six feet one and must weigh in at about two eighty. I figure Gladys Jean must do the cowgirl thing with him.

Like I said, we have our own way of doing things and we don't want to change. How we do things keeps the community together and keeps things calm and safe. I should know. I'm the Sheriff of Dublin County where Buck Lick is located. The closest we've come to a crime spree in my twenty years of wearing the sheriff's uniform was one summer when Marvin Lee Mcpherson's still blew up. I call it "The Great Still Robbery", but as it turned out, it wasn't really a robbery. It was more of a rescue.

Marvin Lee was out in the trees answering nature's call when it happened, so nobody got hurt. All that happened was the still pretty much disappeared and the little shed where Marvin kept his firewood got burned to the ground.

It was amazing how many people showed up to help put out the fire though. By the time I got there, there were about fifty guys passing buckets of water from the creek up to the still. After an hour, the fire was out and everybody went home.

Now, most of you would think I'd have arrested Marvin Lee for operating a still, but I didn't because I couldn't find any evidence he'd been doing anything like that. If there'd been a still up there, it was gone and the fire burned down the little shed all the way to the ground. I did find a few broken mason jars in front of a second little shed he had up there and I asked him what they were for. Marvin Lee said he was storing some canned goods up there for his wife because their cellar was full.

Well, I figured I knew what the mason jars were for so I asked him what was in them. Marvin looked at the ground and scratched a line in the leaves with his foot, then looked up and grinned.

"Jest some canned peaches, that's all, oh, and a few blackberries."

I grinned back.

"I thought I saw a couple guys carrying mason jars when they left. Looked to me like they were stealing your peaches and blackberries. Want me to find them and arrest them for theft?"

"Nah", said Marvin. "Them fellers'll bring back ma fruit soon's you go home. They was jest savin' it from the faar."

Well, that's what happened. When I got down the hill to my car, all those guys hadn't gone home. They were still there grouped in a circle and talking. As I drove away, I saw them go to the back of the van from Joe Bob's Heating and Cooling, pick up something, and then start back up the hill. I was far enough away I couldn't see what they were carrying.

The next Christmas morning when I went out my front door, there were two mason jars of crystal clear liquid, one with two peaches in it and another half filled with blackberries. There was a note tied to the jar of peaches that just said, "Thanks for helpin' with ma fire. Marvin Lee"

No, I didn't go arrest Marvin Lee then either even though he'd just confessed with that note. I figure what with what Marvin Lee has to pay for copper and sugar, I can buy a bottle of about anything for less than it costs Marvin to make his shine. The only reason he keeps up the tradition his great, great, great, great, great, great granddaddy started is because of what I said before - we like doing things like we've always done them. Besides, that blackberry shine was really good. The peach was just this side of wonderful. Always is.

The other reason I didn't arrest Marvin Lee was his great, great, great, great, great, great granddaddy was one of the two founders of Buck Lick.

His name was Marvin Lee too. All the first born sons of the Lee family are named Marvin Lee after him. Must be really confusing at birthdays and Christmas.

Anyway, he was part of the Scotch-Irish settlers who came to America in search of a better life. Apparently England had been pretty hard on them to change religions so they just up and hopped on the next ship to what was then the English colonies. Marvin Lee waited until the American Revolution was over before he made the trip, but once he got here, he found out the people who ran the big cities weren't much different than the ruling class in England. He started going south where there wasn't anybody to tell him what he had to do and what he couldn't do.

Well, wouldn't you know, as soon as the Scotch-Irish who came before Marvin Lee got a town up and running pretty good and got some land cleared for farms, here came a bunch of people from the North telling them they had to do this and do that. Must have been pretty bad, because they up and moved on South some more.

Then kept doing that until they got to Tennessee. When the same people kept following them, they headed west. Marvin Lee took the same route and finally found himself a place in Tennessee beside a nice creek. He built a cabin and started farming. It was that summer he saw a buck deer licking the ground in the woods in front of his cabin, so he called the place "Buck Lick". Deer do that in places that have salt in the ground.

Now, old Marvin was doing OK, and while he thought his place was in a pretty good spot, the people who followed him didn't. They kept heading west and the path they took turned into a road of sorts. Marvin got the idea that maybe those folks would like some place to spend the night and have a good meal, so he built a big cabin with four rooms for beds and a big room for eating. He thought some more after the first bunch that passed through asked if he had any whiskey.

Well, he didn't, but his own grandaddy had worked at a still in Scotland and had told Marvin how they worked. Marvin didn't have any barley, but he had the corn he raised and figured corn would work just as good. Nobody knows how he got the stuff to make that first still, but within a year, he had more customers than he could handle and had to add on to his big cabin. That big cabin became known as "The Buck Lick Tavern".

It was about that time the other founder of Buck Lick came along. She was a woman by the name of Fifi Antoinette LeBeau. Well, that's what she called herself, but Janice Mae down at the library says her real name was Elizabeth Ann Scott and she just called herself Fifi Antoinette LeBeau because at the time, French women were supposed to be really good lovers.

As you might have guessed, Fifi Antoinette LeBeau was in the business of applying her love skills with any gentleman who had the right amount of money. She confessed to old Marvin that she'd been forced out of the last three settlements she'd lived in for being sinful. As the story goes, she then showed old Marvin how much fun being sinful with her could be and he took her on as part of his staff.

Well, about that time, the South got fed up with the North and started the American Civil War. Now, old Marvin didn't really care about anything they were fighting about. He just wanted to be left alone to run the Buck Lick Tavern. Fifi didn't care either. She just wanted the opportunity to separate the young troopers from their money. They were both staunchly neutral. Marvin would welcome the soldiers from either side in for a drink and a meal. Fifi would wear something cut low at the top and welcome them into her special bedroom.

After the war was over, some of the soldiers who'd stopped at The Buck Lick Tavern came and started a town, and they called it Buck Lick after Marvin's tavern. They liked the area because it was peaceful and they liked Marvin's shine. By then, Fifi had decided she'd had enough men, so to speak, so she gave up entertaining and married Marvin. Thus began a long line of Marvin Lee McPhersons.

We're kind of proud of that heritage here in Buck Lick, and every year on Saturday after the twenty-sixth of April, Buck Lick celebrates Founder's Day. It's pretty big deal and people start getting ready for it right after Christmas.

Old Marvin had one picture taken during his entire life, and in that picture he had a full beard so all the men in town stop shaving except me. The town council thinks since I have to cooperate with state authorities, I should keep up my professional appearance. That's good because Jackie doesn't like beards. She says a beard would tickle her nose when I kiss her and would feel scratchy against her inner thighs. I suppose she's right because usually that's how we end up the first time and her hair does tickle my nose sometimes.

The reason they grow beards is because we have a contest to see who can grow the longest beard and who can grow the fullest beard. By the time April rolls around, most of the men have pretty good beards going and on Founders Day they're judged by Margaret Ann Dobbs, the Baptist preacher's wife.

Now, you're probably thinking since she's a preacher's wife, Margaret Ann wouldn't be a very good judge of beards, but you'd be wrong. See, Reverend Dobbs has a beard year round, and she once let it slip down at Sara June's beauty parlor that she likes his beard. Margaret Ann got all embarrassed when they asked her why she like his beard and would only say it felt good against her skin, so they all figure they know why. They told their husbands and boyfriends, so the men got together at one of the town council meetings and elected her the beard judge.

We have a contest for the ladies too. They all make dresses and dress up like Fifi would have dressed when she was making all those men so comfortable at the Buck Lick Tavern. That contest is judged by Doc Mason. Doc Mason has seen all the women in town in a lot less than their Fifi dresses so all the Spandex and padding in the world isn't going to sway him. The rest of the men, well, they'd be voting for their wife or girlfriend, including me. Jackie, she's my wife, makes a really great uh...well, she says she's a sexy hooker, but I prefer "lady of the evening". She is pretty sexy when she pushes her big breasts up and almost over the top of her neckline, not as sexy as when she's naked, but still pretty sexy.

We start out with a parade that starts when the siren down at the fire station goes off at noon. Everybody lines up in front of the feed store at one end of Main Street and then walks the four blocks down to Randy Joe's Hardware and Bait Shop at the other end. Right in the middle where Church Street crosses Main Street, we put up a little stand for the judging committee. The men walk by and Margaret Ann feels each beard and makes little notes. The women walk by Doc Mason and give him their best "Come with me to my bedroom" look and he takes notes too. Then we all go down to LeBeau park for the big potluck dinner all the women bring.

There's more food than you can imagine and enough sweet tea to drown a catfish, but it's all good. Marvin brings a little sample of his shine too. Yeah, I know it's illegal but it's only once a year and we keep the kids away and we're very careful. Like I said before, we like doing things like we've always done things.

He sets up his awning a hundred feet from the picnic tables and has a "No Smoking" sign right at the table. He also has two fire extinguishers handy just in case. We haven't had to use them since Homer Gene Hendry forgot and lit his pipe after carrying his red Solo cup over to the bench under the trees. This big blue fire erupted from the cup, melted it, and the shine ran down on the crotch of his pants and caught on fire too. He was slapping his pants when Jacky Lee, the firechief of the Buck Lick Volunteer Fire Department, tackled him and pushed him down on the ground. Right after that, Marvin Lee ran up and pointed the fire extinguisher between Homer Gene's legs and pulled the trigger and put out the fire.

Doc Mason took him behind Marvin Lee's truck to check him out. When they came back, he was grinning.

"He's OK, kinda shriveled up on account of the fire extinguisher was pretty cold, but he just got singed a little."

Well, by then a crowd had gathered to see what happened and right in front was Thelma Mae Leary. When Doc Mason walked Homer Gene back to the bench where he'd been sitting, Thelma Jean ran up and asked if he was all right. It looked to me like Homer Gene had a hard time talking for a while, but I understood why. Thelma Mae's no skinny little woman. She's not really fat either. She's just a lot bigger than most in a couple places and one of those places was threatening to pop right out of the top of her Fifi dress. When she bent over to talk to Homer Gene her big breasts sort of rolled up and I was sure I saw her nipple beds.

Homer Gene finally gulped and said he was OK. Thelma Mae grabbed Homer Gene's hand and said what he needed was a drink of the sweet tea she brought. Homer Gene stood up and followed her over to the picnic tables. The rest of us went back to talking and sipping shine.

Well, about six months later, Homer Gene and Thelma Mae got themselves married at the Baptist Church and built a new house on Homer Gene's daddy's farm. Ten months after that, Thelma May gave birth to Homer Lynn Hendry. According to what Jackie told me, Thelma Mae told her Homer Gene might have gotten singed by the moonshine fire, but it didn't hurt his...well, she told Jackie she calls it his "planter"...that it didn't hurt his planter one little bit. Jackie said she guessed that was right, because it only took them a month to get Thelma Mae in a family way.

Evidently Homer Gene's planter worked overtime, because Thelma Mae popped out a new addition to the family about every year and a half until they had six -- four boys and two girls. After number six -- Jennifer Jean -- they figured out what was causing it and they stopped having kids. According to Jackie though, it isn't because they stopped their planting activities. She told Jackie they plant about four times a week.

I can understand why Marvin likes planting so much. After that first kid, Thelma Mae's bottom got a little wider like they all do, but her breasts grew and didn't stop until she had to order her bras through the mail. At least that's what Jackie told me. The Walmart in Jackson didn't have any big enough in stock. I don't know how big an "H" bra really is - that's what size Jackie says Thelma Mae wears - but Jackie's a "D" and her bra cups are almost big enough to each hold a softball, so Thelma Mae is probably a whole lot bigger. She sure looks a whole lot bigger.

Anyway, this year's Founder's Day celebration was about like all the others. The only difference was Marvin Lee's oldest son, Marvin Lee, had sort of apprenticed himself with his dad so he can learn how to make shine. Like all the younger generation, Marvin Lee, the son, not his dad, had some new ideas. At their awning this year, they had the regular shine that had been aged about a week like always, but they also had what Marvin Lee, the son, not the father, said was mixed with the persimmon juice from last fall's persimmon crop.

I didn't care for it, myself. I like persimmons, but I think Marvin Lee, the son, not the father, must have picked his before we had a good frost, because the shine was pretty tart. Some of the men liked it though, so I figure we'll be having persimmon shine this Christmas too.

The beard judging was about like always, though some of the men think Jimmy Joe Ellison cheated by starting his beard at Thanksgiving. He won the contest for the longest beard. Ricky Gene Maddison won for the fullest.

Jackie didn't win the costume contest, though I told her she was the winner as far as I was concerned. She thanked me as only Jackie can thank me. I was a wreck the next morning, but the night before was fantastic. See, once Jacke turned forty-seven, we didn't have to be concerned about any more kids. I thought that might make her a little less horny, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. When she gets in the mood, it's once with my tongue and twice the regular way. Anymore, twice the regular way is getting hard to do, but Jackie has this way...well, let's just say she can make my little deputy stand up and salute in only about an hour after he's already done his duty.

Like I said before, the younger generation always has new ideas, and one of those ideas caused us to make one big change in the Founder's Day Celebration that year.

Back when horses were how people got around, the men of the town built four horseshoe pits in LeBeau Park. What a horseshoe pit is, is two steel stakes that are forty feet apart and around those stakes is some sand about six inches deep. What you did was stand behind one stake, take a horseshoe, and toss it at the other stake. If the horsheshoe landed with the stake in the middle, you got two points. If the horseshoe landed and was leaning against the stake, you got one point. If the horseshoe landed anywhere else, you didn't get any points.