Holy Mackerel National Improv Day

"Tired of the same ole, same ole rotation of songs on your pop radio station? Tune into the Holy Mackerel Sunday Music with God Show, and get ready to have your holy rollers knocked off. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

"By the way, This is Robin Billions and today is National Improv Day. We invite you to play with your food, get into silly arguments and just generally make everything up as you go along."

"We're going to be taking phone calls from people who want to get ridiculous and improvise with the staff here at W Uh-Oh, that's W-U-H-O-H. We'll be using video for some of the interviews."

"Oh Look, the phone is flashing already. Good morning. W Uh-Oh on the line. How can we help you today?"

"You can't. I'm calling in from the space shuttle and everything is A-OK at the moment.

"Wow. It's great to hear from you. Can you turn the camera on so our audience can see you?"

Camera comes on. We see a man sitting in front of the controls on the space shuttle.

"Great. We can see you. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Okay. It's kind of personal."

"Okay. Everybody always wants to know how we go to the bathroom out in zero gravity."

"Ew. I don't. I want to know how you masturbate in zero gravty. Are there any special things you have to do and does anyone have actual sex with anyone else? If so, how do you do it?"

"I don't know if I can answer your questions. I might lose my job."

"Well, they can't actually can you 'til you get back to earth."

"You have a good point there. I'll turn the camera on."

"Hey, Officer Sally Bumpers. Come over here and sit on my lap."

"Sure thing, Sarge."

Officer Sally saunters into view dressed inappropriately for a space officer -- cleavage showing and breasts a little sweaty. She sits on Sarge's lap and squirms a little.

"Sarge. You didn't warn me you were already hard."

"Uh, Sally you're on a long distance Candid Camera type call with Station W Uh-Oh on earth."

Sally faces the camera and makes an ineffectual attempt to cover up.

"Hi, people on earth. This is Officer Sally Bumpers."

Her image starts moving up and down.

"Sarge, cut it out!"

"Why? We're already in trouble. Might as well have some fun."

"It's hard to concentrate."

"You don't have to. The ship's on auto-pilot,"

"Oh. right."

Sally keeps moving up and down, making little sex noises.

Sarge speaks into the camera,

"So to answer your sex question, this is one of the many positions that works. My friend here and I call it "Ride Sally Ride" but you might know it as Reverse Cowgirl. We always use condoms cuz it's a son of a bitch to clean up if any bodily fluids get out."

Sally starts moaning and then screaming. "I'm coming!"

Sarge says, "Sometimes it's a good thing that no one can hear you scream in space."

Sally "Shut up Sarge!"

"Make me!"

She kisses him on the mouth and suddenly the screen goes black.

The picture comes back on and we see the announcer, Robin Billions, again.

"Hi, everybody. I didn't see that coming. Did you? Well, actually we all did, didn't we? You just never know what can happen when you're improvising and saying yes to everything that comes up. So to speak,

"Oh, look. The phone is flashing again. We're back from outer space and here's our next caller."

"Good morning. W Uh-Oh on the line. How can I help you?"

"Hi, handsome. It's Maria, the gal you picked up at the bar last night."

"I told you not to call me at work!"

"I know honey but I just had to hear your sexy voice again."

"Not now, Maria!"

"That's not what you said last night."

"Maria! Do you want to get me fired?"

"That depends. Anyway, I have a question."

"A real question?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. What is it?"

"Why do so many men leave the toilet seat up?"

"Good question. Here's another. Why do so many women want the toilet seat down?"

"I can answer that."

"Well?"

"It's especially important at night. A sleepy woman who wants to pee doesn't want to have to check if the seat is down before she sits. Imagine how much fun it is to get shocked wide awake by COLD porcelain."

"I guess I wouldn't like that at all."

"Of course not."

"Maria, let's talk after my show is over."

"I'd like that. Bye."

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen, and non-binaries and everyone, I have a question. If a man is all alone in the middle of a forest, is he still wrong?"

"Oh! Three lines are lighting up. Hello, this is W Uh-Oh. How can I help you?"

"I have an answer for you."

"Okay."

"He's not wrong unless he left the toilet seat up when he left the house."

"Good one. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?"

"It's Maria again."

"Maria! I told you we can talk once I'm off the air."

"I know. But I have another question for you. It's a good one."

"It better be. I mean, please ask your question."

"If a man and a woman enjoy each other's company, will they have even more fun if the woman invites her girlfriend to join them the next time?"

"Um, good question. I'll throw it open to the other listeners."

"Okay, Robin. By-ee."

"Bye, Marie."

Robin answers. "You're on the air with Robin Billions at W uh-oh. How can I help you?"

[To be continued]