my-holiday-hero
ADULT HUMOR

My Holiday Hero

My Holiday Hero

by sighonsocial
19 min read
4.49 (9000 views)
adultfiction
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Chapter One

A microwave. It wasn't exactly the ideal companion on Christmas Eve, but it was better than nothing.

"Round and round she goes," I sang as my plate of festive leftovers lazily spun around inside the microwave. "Where she'll stop, nobody knows!"

The microwave dinged. I opened the door, cradled the scorching hot plate with a dishcloth, carried it to the kitchen island, then jabbed at the turkey leg with a fork. "Well, my fowl feathered friend, it would appear that your goose is cooked."

I sighed. Even a lame ass joke like that would have gotten at least a light chuckle out of my brother if not a mild groan.

I poked at the food. It looked delicious. The cranberries glistened, the mashed potatoes were fluffy and the gravy thick and chunky... and yet I had no appetite.

"Merry Christmas, Lois," I said softly and pushed the plate aside.

Deflated, I looked around and soaked in my surroundings. I was sitting in my brother's spacious kitchen, alone. He, his wife and their two wonderful children were currently on route to a warm destination to enjoy Christmas together on a tropical beach. I'd been invited but had politely declined.

I think I mumbled something about wanting to catch up on some light reading which was complete BS. I just... I just couldn't do it. Not now, not after yet another messy breakup. I was sapped, running on fumes and I didn't want to ruin their vacation by spending it being mopey at the swim up bar.

He then offered to let me crash at his luxurious family home and I accepted. Besides, it was a huge upgrade from my tiny apartment.

There were a few conditions.

I reached over and checked the list he'd left me. It was short: water the plants every few days and feed their beloved cat Daisy.

Wait... they had a cat?

I stood up, and searched for its bowl. When I found it, it was still full. But where was the damn thing? I swear I hadn't seen it when I arrived. It hadn't gotten out, had it?

As if timed, I heard a crash from the basement. Had I accidentally locked it down there?

I set down the list of instructions and left the kitchen.

...how to describe my brother's house.

Think of your favorite warm-hearted comedy from the 80's. Now, do you remember that ridiculously large house they all lived in? Picture that but with the holiday charm cranked up to eleven.

There were Christmas decorations everywhere. I'd stopped walking around the house barefoot because I was constantly pulling tinsel out from between my toes. And don't get me started on the wreaths. If everything wasn't so sickeningly jolly, you'd think you'd stumbled into a funeral parlor.

I walked through the lobby, past the enormous Christmas tree to the basement door, opened it and descended the stairs. The finished basement served as a movie den as well as a refuge for my brother's abandoned gym equipment.

"Here..." What was the cat's name again?

There was another loud bang from behind a closed door. What if it wasn't the cat? I thought as I crept up to it. What if a gang of raccoons had laid low till the coast was clear and were planning to ransack the place? Then what?

Well, it's too late to go grab a pair of oven mitts and a garbage bag, I thought as I opened the door and peered inside.

A shadow hung in the air like a thick fog. Steel shelves lined the walls stocked with cardboard boxes and plastic bins. One had fallen, spilling its contents across the concrete floor. The family cat lay in the center, chewing on an old plush toy.

"Caught you red handed." Smiling, I reached down and scooped her up. She purred loudly as she continued to gnaw on the plush toy.

"Keep it," I said as I scratched behind her ears. "If it'll keep you out of trouble for a few hours, it's all yours."

I was about to leave when something caught my eye. It was the colors. There was something there, the combination of the cherry red and honey lemon that resonated with me, scratching the surface of an old memory.

I set the cat down, reached into the pile of clutter and pulled out...

"No way," I whispered. "He's still got it."

There is a long list of toys from our collective childhood that are most likely now buried in a landfill. Had we kept them safe, hidden from our neat freak of a mother, we probably could have made a tidy profit selling them on the internet. Sadly, it was not to be, and I had assumed none had survived.

One apparently had and I was now holding it. It was a bit weathered; the paint was chipped, and the limbs were loose but there was no mistaking it.

"Well hello, Chuck POW'er," I said as I held up the plastic action figure. "How's your turbo action kung-fu fist? Still got its supersonic spring?"

I pulled his arm back and it snapped forward. "Well, they certainly don't make them like they used to, do they?"

I turned him over in my hand. He was exactly as I remembered him, a ridiculous amount of muscles all painted red with bright yellow undies. I think he originally came with a cloth cape, but my brother had lost it during one of his many adventures.

Chuck POW'er had been a staple during my childhood, back when cartoons served only one purpose: to sell toys. I still remember how the Chuck POW'er phenomenon swept through our school, his toothy grin slapped onto backpacks, lunchboxes and just about every other product you could think of. Hell, there was even a cereal! I'd never tried it but could still vividly remember the commercials, and hot damn, did those puffs of golden wheat and brightly colored marshmallows look delicious!

There was an entire lore built around him, including his allies, enemies, and an array of combat vehicles, all carefully posed in the holiday catalogs.

There was only one problem...

Chuck POW'er and the extended POW'er man universe were boys toys. No girls allowed.

It had annoyed me to no end, and I'd specifically asked Santa for one. Whether the letter was lost, or ignored, I'll never know. I mean... it's a long way to the north pole, a lot can happen along the way.

I still remember that Christmas morning. I woke up before the sun rose, rushed down the stairs, clawed through the mountain of presents for mine, and feverishly tore through the wrapping paper, only to discover a Susie needs your constant attention doll while my brother not only got a full battalion of Chuck POW'er's closest allies, but he also got his arch nemesis Doctor Torment and his remote volcano command base.

"So stupid," I whispered, the pain of the memory still lingering.

I set the Chuck POW'er doll down and picked up the cat. "That's enough time spent wandering down memory lane. How does some leftover turkey sound?"

The cat meowed approvingly. I carried her and her new toy upstairs and prepared her a small plate of turkey. She devoured it, flopped down on the kitchen floor and licked her paws clean.

"Will that tide you over for a while? Cause I plan to sleep in, ideally till the new year."

The cat ignored me as I turned off the lights. "Merry Christmas, furrball," I said and walked out of the kitchen. I crossed the lobby, past the giant Christmas tree and headed up the winding staircase.

...a winding staircase.

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They even had a winding staircase decorated for the season. The pleasant pine needle scent was a nice departure from the smell of microwaved fish soaked into the concrete of the stairwell I climbed whenever my apartment's ancient elevator broke down.

I prepared for bed, grabbed hold of a big fluffy pillow, sunk below the bed's thick blankets and drifted off to sleep, my only wish, that this nightmare of a holiday would soon be over. As I sank into a deep sleep, I dreamed.

Chapter two

In the vanity's pale fluorescent light my makeup was flawless. I'd done it myself, having discovered that no one on the remote volcanic island had any clue how to apply mascara. Seriously, were there no henchwomen amongst them?

My hair was done up in an elaborate bun, held together with a jeweled tiara. I wore a sparkling diamond necklace around my neck. My shoulders were bare, the top of my long, elegant snow white wedding gown just barely holding up my ample breasts. It was a bit on the slutty side, but I was after all... a bad girl.

I reached down and tugged the gown up. The cups kept slipping, my girls eager to escape. Would I make it through the ceremony without popping out? Perhaps.

There was a knock at the door.

"Your elegance?" a voice whimpered through the door.

"What is it?" I growled.

The henchman gently opened the door, peered inside, and spoke, his voice trembling. "The preparations have all been made. We're ready when you are..."

I grabbed a plastic hairbrush from the vanity and hurled it over my shoulder. It hit the door with a loud bang. "I'll be ready when I say so," I hissed.

"Sorry, your excellence, my apologies your..."

I reached for a small oval mirror. He slunk away and closed the door.

Fools, I thought. The lot of them. All fools!

My temper has a short fuse. It's not the first time I've berated a henchman and I doubt it will be the last. I blame it on the volcanic island. From the sky it's a glittering gem, exotic and exciting. But on the beach, after you've cut through the thick thorny under bush, you discover it's infested with mosquitoes, and stinks like a rotten egg.

Weeks stuck on it had eroded my last nerve. I was about ready to strap myself to the lairs' secret hidden rocket if it meant I could escape this wretched place.

...after the wedding.

I stood up, crossed the room and opened the door. "Still here?"

The henchman cowered on his knees.

"Yes, your excellence. In case I could be of assistance."

...your excellence. They'd been calling me that ever since I'd arrived. I hadn't bothered to correct them.

"Well, don't just stand there," I barked. "Lead the way."

"Yes, your excellence, of course, your excellence," he said, stood up and scurried off down the hallway. I followed him, holding up my wedding gown's long train.

We wove through a concrete maze, turning right, left... and right again?

"Wait, this isn't the way to the magma observatory."

"There's been a... change of venue," the henchman squeaked.

"Has there now," I growled.

"Doctor Torment insisted on it."

"Take me to him. Now!" I shouted.

"Yes, your excellence," the henchman said, cowering below me and continued on.

We dove further into the twisting maze. Through the thick concrete walls, I could hear the low hum of the large generators and smell the thick fumes of gasoline it choked on. I swear if the heat melted my makeup there would be hell to pay!

We arrived at a thick metal hatch. The henchman cranked the wheel, opened it and I stepped inside.

"Seriously," I growled as I looked around. "The underwater loading bay?"

Several henchmen were busy climbing ladders, securing thin bands of tropical flowers to the concrete walls. Doctor Torment, my fiancΓ©, was standing on a metal bridge crossing the narrow gap between the open channel of water.

"At last, you've arrived!" he said as he looked up at me, and then shooed away several henchmen that were surrounding him.

I stomped across the thick concrete floor, my pearl white heels firing like revolvers, my anger simmering just below a boil.

"Is this meant to be a joke, Brad?" I growled as I pierced his orbit. "You promised me the Magma Observatory, not a stinking submarine bay."

"It's Doctor Torment around the henchmen," he hissed as he looked around. "Remember? We discussed it."

I raised my hand, waving the thin engagement ring he'd given me in front of his face. "Seven years... seven long years. That's how long I had to wait for you to finally stop dragging your feet and propose. I grinned and bared it, all of it, and do you know why?"

I didn't wait for him to answer. It wasn't an invitation. "Because you promised me a magical wedding I would never forget, and this..." I said pointing at the drab soot-stained concrete walls. "Is not my idea of magical."

He flashed me his signature villainous grin. "And you will, my love, you will. I would never have dreamed of changing the venue had it not been for a very, very good reason."

"Bullshit," I growled.

He walked over to me and touched my hand. He was wearing the same stupid outfit he wore every single day of the week. It was too much purple. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I didn't know he only owned three identical matching sets.

"I hate to ruin the surprise, but I got you something special as a wedding gift."

"More bullshit," I grunted. "There's nothing you could possibly get me that would..."

"In fact," he said, interrupting me. "It's arriving as we speak."

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There was a heavy mechanical whine as the thick double doors of the submarine bay opened. The henchmen frantically ran around as commands were issued over the loudspeakers. Light poured in and... and...

"What is that... a whale?" I asked in horror.

It was gray, bloated and for some odd reason wrapped in a big fluffy red bow.

"Better. So much better," Doctor Torment said as he walked to the edge of the railing. "It's a thermal nuclear submarine, complete with a full payload of ballistic continental missiles."

I stared at him stunned. "Your perfect wedding gift is a... submarine?"

He peered back over his shoulder at me, grinning like a ghoul. "Isn't it incredible! We've been tracking it for weeks waiting for just the right time to swoop in and grab it."

As he spoke, the nuclear submarine pulled up below us and docked. The crew were led off at gunpoint by the henchmen.

"A nuclear submarine... as a wedding gift," I whispered, stunned.

"Why are you still standing there," he said, his voice giddy with excitement. "Do you want to have a look?"

I followed him like a zombie down the metal walkway to the small gangplank leading to the...

"Submarine..." I mumbled again. "A nuclear submarine... seven long years and all I have to show for it is a nuclear submarine."

I stepped up onto the slippery surface of the submarine. The entrance was a small circular hatch. Doctor Torment climbed down it with ease.

Had I known I'd be crawling into a cramped submersible I wouldn't have worn heels, I thought bitterly as I navigated the treacherous ladder down into the murky depths below.

I reached the bottom and looked around. It was like I'd crawled inside an abandoned appliance. Above me was a maze of pipes and gauges. Everything was coal black, and it smelled like an old shoe. It was also uncomfortably hot. I clenched the train of my wedding gown, afraid it might fall into a pool of grease.

"Shall we take her for a spin?" Doctor Torment asked me, gleefully.

I was about to object, but the words failed me. I'd expected him to throw a wrench into the wedding, find some stupid excuse to stall yet again. But this... this was beyond anything I had imagined.

"Why aren't we moving!" he barked. "I want to hear propellers turn, rotors spin, nuclear engines do... whatever it is they do!"

As I stood there, he went to the periscope, pulled it down and peered through it. His crew of henchmen scurried to the available positions and began to frantically push buttons. The submarine lurched to life and jerked forward.

"Backward you clumsy fools. We're about to hit the wall!" he growled as he swiveled the periscope around.

The sub groaned, bells rang and the rotors stopped and reversed. The sub slowed down then began to ease backwards.

Seven years, I thought again. Seven long years. I still had the picture in my mind of where I'd expected to be. I wasn't even shooting for the stars. A house? Sure, if we could afford it. If not that, at least an apartment with a decent view of the city. I wasn't against the idea of kids, but a few fur babies would suffice. Maybe I'd finally manage to secure a better job. Beyond that, some sense of stability, a working partnership, maybe a few vacations... at no point did I think I'd be standing in a nuclear sub.

"Find me something to blow up!" Doctor Torment shouted.

The crew of henchmen darted back and forth between stations, ignoring me. He pried his eyes off the periscope and walked over to me, grinning. "So, what do you think? Pretty fucking cool right?"

"Brad..." I said in a calm voice, the one I used right before I was about to explode.

"Doctor Torment," he whispered, correcting me.

"Doctor Torment..." I said through clenched teeth. "Look, I believe I've been reasonable. When you said you wanted to change careers and pursue world domination. I was onboard. When you held a city hostage, and your only demand was for the cast of a canceled sitcom to reunite and perform your finale script I didn't say a word. And when you emptied my account and bought crypto... did I get mad? No. All I asked was for one day... one day Brad... Brad?"

He stared at me with a blank expression. I recognized it. None of what I had just said had registered.

"Babe, as soon as I defeat Chuck POW'er and seize control of all the world's governments I promise you I'll..."

"Don't babe me, Brad," I hissed. "Ever since you became a super villain you've been obsessed with Chuck Pow'er. Did you know that you talk about him in your sleep? You do. It's creepy. Whenever you two battle, I feel like a third wheel."

"That's Doctor... "

"A cruise ship on our port... bow?" one of the henchmen shouted.

Doctor Torment spun around. "Perfect, a fat easy target. Ready the torpedoes!"

"Torpedoes loaded... I think." One of the henchmen shouted.

Doctor Torment dashed to the periscope, and searched for his target. "Where are you... where... are you. There you are!" he said gleefully. "Now I have you right where I want you. Fire on my mark. Wait for it... wait for it."

I stood there, defeated. When would it get better? If not now, when? One voice told me to run, or rather swim in the opposite direction of whatever this was. The other told me to stick it out. I'd already invested seven years. What were a few more? Things would eventually change. I'd eventually wear him down, mold him into a caring and attentive husband who would...

"Fire, fire now! Blow them all to hell. Destroy, destroy, destroy!" Doctor Torment screeched as he hopped with glee.

"Firing torpedoes," one of the henchmen shouted.

Doctor Torment pulled away from the periscope. "Wait... you remembered to open the torpedo bay doors first, righ..."

There was a blinding white light. I was torn out of the dream, sent tumbling over the side of the bed, and landed on my ass with a loud thump.

"The fuck..." I grunted as I looked around confused. I was on the floor. I'd pulled the sheets off the bed with me and was tangled in them. My ass stung like I'd been paddled, which, without going into too much detail about my sex life, I have.

I looked up and checked the time. 3 am.

"Ho ho hilarious," I groaned as I pulled myself off the floor. I was about to wrap myself tightly in my blankets and go back to sleep when I caught the faint smell of...

...gingerbread?

Most of the house stank of the wretched spice but it smelled fresh and somehow... familiar. I stood up. Had I accidentally left gingerbread cookies baking in the oven? I tended to be absent minded when I was mopey. Maybe I'd tuned out and gone on a rogue binge baking spree. It wouldn't be the first time.

I tossed the blanket on the bed and walked out of the room. With the house to myself I didn't bother changing out of my loose t-shirt which just barely covered my snow white panties... just barely.

I crept down the hallway... wait, why was I creeping? It was Christmas Eve and I was a grown ass adult. I could do whatever I wanted.

I walked down the spiral staircase, carefully navigating the steps in the dark. There were still a few Christmas lights to guide my way, casting long colorful beams across the walls. I reached the lobby, turned and saw...

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