Lots About Me Ch 11 Funny Stuff

* * * * * *

INTERRUPTIONS

* * * * * *

With one boyfriend, we had sex in odd places around the house a lot. Like over counters and couches and against walls and on the hallway floor. We also had sex with my arms tied a lot, because that was about as far with stuff as he was really comfortable going.

So we do. And today we are.

I'm face-down over a couch arm. And he's standing behind me. And my arms are cuffed.

We're fucking, and he finishes, and pretty much then the doorbell goes.

"Um," I say. Or whatever. Slightly worried

I'm still dressed, and have a skirt, so it isn't like clothes won't fall back down and hide anything rude, but there's still the cuffs and I know I can't get them off on my own.

He unclips them. There's little snap-clip carabineer thingys to clip them together. Yes like a dog lead. Yes sometimes that does turn me on.

He undoes the clip, so I can move my arms, but he actually leaves the cuffs on my wrists, and I'm kind of, "Um..."

"It's fine," he said. "I'll just go see who it is. Just hide if it's someone and they come inside."

I get up, a bit awkwardly, and follow him out into the hall, to listen, and see. To decide if I need to run off and hide in the bedroom or something. Because the cuffs are fake leather stuff, so kind of wide and a bit obvious. Although not so wide or big they aren't hidden if I put my arms behind my back. Which they are now.

So he goes and opens the door, and it's the Mormons.

I swear to fuck, it's the Mormons.

He looks at me, and grins, and then he starts talking to them.

I'm standing there dripping and sweaty with my arms cuffed behind my back, kind of half out a doorway, sort of visible, and too obvious to sneak away now.

And he's talking to the Mormon doorknockers.

So I do too, because, what the fuck.

We talk, and I go up to the door, and kind of lean between the door-frame and him so my back is pretty well hidden, and we all chat nicely, and we get asked if we know about god and say no, and they try and sign us up and we say no again.

And then the Mormons, go.

And then we fuck for hours, kind of obviously.

And yep, this is borderline extremely dodgy. But they didn't know, and I like to think they got a chance to try and explain about god while I was in a receptive frame of mind and stuff. Which had to be a good thing!

And weird aside, I don't get gags. As in, surely if you're tying someone up, then leaving their mouth free makes stuff more fun? Anyways. I was quite glad of it, that time. That was all :)

* * * * * *

SCANDALISED LAB TECHNICIANS

* * * * * *

So um, one time I might have accidentally scandalised a lab technician.

A guy I was fucking needed a sperm sample. I can't remember why, but maybe he was donating sperm or something. Maybe. Anyways, he needed to do a sample, and he wasn't allowed to come for three days before he did, so no wanking or sex or anything, and he told me because we were fucking and that meant he was going to stay away from me.

But I was all like, oh wow, three-day saved-up spunk, I'll help with that. I don't actually know why, it just seemed cool at the time. And he was surprised, but said okay, and seemed to like my enthusiasm, so that's nice too!

So anyways, this pretty much meant a blowie, we assumed. I mean, just to point this out, because I hadn't thought of it until then. Because condoms have spermicide, and this was a medical thing, so it would kind of defeat the purpose to make him come into the condom full of sperm-killer and then give that to the lab... that's what we assumed, anyway.

So three days later, I sneak out of work, and met him at lunchtime, in town, outside the lab. And I blew him in his car. And yep, he came a lot. Like overflowing my mouth, dripping on my chin, finding a gob on my sleeve and realizing I must have dribbled without noticing, but I had no idea how it got there. And he was quick. That too. Very quick.

So I blew him, and he came, and then I spat in his little jar, and he took it inside.

So that was fun.

A bit later I'm watching a thing on TV, and I can't remember why, but that says that to do sperm count test, the lab people have actually look at the sperm through a microscope, like look at each sample, and see how much of what's wriggling around.

And also, it said that through a microscope, sperm are pretty distinctive. Like tails, wiggly, all of that.

As in, sperm are very different to spit cells and mouth-skin cells and what I had for breakfast cells and toothpaste cells. Or whatever.

So I sit there going, um, uh oh, and hoping to fuck that spit isn't so completely obvious that the lab people all took one look and were, haha, hey look here's another who got a blowie, spit's mixed up in here. Because remember that story about the biology class and someone who swabs her mouth and there's sperm cells... well personally I think, urban legend and that story is so totally not true. But all the same, um, I could have been her. Kind of backwards.

So anyways. That was all.

Except I do feel a bit guilty, though. Like I hope if they did see it and realize, they weren't completely shocked instead of laughing at him. And me. Because, um, sorry, if you did, and that lab person was you. Really. That was bad, and I wouldn't have if I'd known you could tell. And I'm sorry!

Now that's all!