Anal Sense

I'm afraid to admit this.

I don't think I should.

If I do people will not think I am the sex goddess that I really am.

I'm really, really good at sex but oh man, I hate anal sex! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!

Man I sound like a lame-O.

I'll try to explain my disgust. First off, I hate taking a shit. I like that I can read while doing it but the actual act is gross.

If I could never take a shit again, I would be happy. I tried being bulimic but that didn't work so I am forced to dispose of my waste in the traditional manner.

All my gay male friends really love to take shits. Jim, for one, talks poop constantly. He is obsessed with it. He actually recaps his daily downloads for me in great detail. I've begged a pleaded for him to stop but he thinks it's funny that I am so disgusted and therefore encouraged to keep the turd tails a-comin'.

Me: Hi Jim, how are you.

Jim: Good. I took a really big poo today! I mean It was huuuuuge! You would think I ate a very large animal last night. Thankfully it was a healthy dark brown color not like the green from a few.......

Me: Oh God Jim stop! I didn't call you to talk about your poo.

Jim: Oh...did somebody not take their poo yet today?

Me: Jim that's gross!

Jim: OOOHH! I know someone has loose stool (yes he actually will use that wording).

Me: Jim Come on!

Jim: Did you or did you not take a poo today?

Me: YES! I took a dump earlier! Now...

Jim: Was it diarrhea?...

This can go on for hours. His cabinet is filled with intestinal-cleaners and tons of fiber supplements to better facilitate his beloved daily dumps. I've never seen a book in his bathroom so I suspect he just smiles with glee while he sits on the toilet.

It's a gift of his gayness, I suppose.

As for sex the two-men-in-way, I've tried it myself two times. The first time was with my first long-term boyfriend, Dave. His friend Bud did it and Dave really wanted to try it. Bud had also had a threesome and Dave wanted to do that too. But Dave wanted Bud to be there -- not another girl. I questioned his sexuality several times, and to his defense I may have screwed him up a little by exposing him to so many gay men.

We went out with Bud and his girlfriend Jenny one night and while in the bathroom I asked Jenny how butt fucking was.

Me: So Dave wants to, you know, come around the back way.

Jenny: Yeah, Bud told me last night. Dave and you want to try it up the ass. [She was a little too loud.]

Me: [Whispering a little] Does it hurt?

Jenny: (Still loud, she either wanted me to get over my embarrassment, brag so that other girls could hear, or she was stupid) At first it hurts, then you get used to it. Guys love it.

Me: How do we do it?

Jenny: Best way is with him on top like you are going to have regular sex. Just ease into it, relax and pretty soon you'll like it.

Me: Do you orgasm from it?

Jenny: Honey I orgasm when he touches my nipples! Anal is totally great! I love it now!

Incidentally, girls brag about how much their guy makes them orgasm. Then when they break up they say he was too small to induce any feeling whatsoever. This was true of Jenny.

Bud turned out to be very boring until the night before he got married and Jenny came over and let him do her one last time.

I was very much interested into getting Dave off. He really didn't do it for me but since I was going to marry him (this is true with all my boyfriends while I was dating them-"I'm going to marry this one for sure"), I figured eventually I would have an orgasm with him.

On the night we tried it, I was very nervous. Since we were not told by Bud or Jenny to use lube we didn't have any, nor did we think we needed it.

The set up was really stupid. Very little foreplay. Just lots of kissing, some sucking and such. Then he asked if I was ready. I wasn't, but I lied and nodded. It went in.

Oh, God that hurt!

I bit my lower lip and tried to endure the pain. Then he started to go in and out and it felt like I was going to take a huge dump on him.

I screamed, "Get it out! Get it Out! I'm going to take a shit on you!"

He quickly removed his penis from my ass and I sat up to see if there was any poop on him or on the bed. There wasn't. I was surprised. I ran into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, nothing. I again was surprised.

After that Dave never attempted to enter my asshole again. In fact after that Dave barely attempted to enter me at all. I had a healthier sex life with my vibrator and my roommate's porn collection.

After Dave I had another long term relationship with Jed. I was going to marry him too even if he was addicted to pot and coke and alcohol and-the worst of all-Maxim magazine.

Jed was into S&M and loved having things like fingers and dildos shoved into his asshole. He swore me to secrecy; he thought people might think he was gay. So I did all these things to him, even bought a strap-on. And told everybody I knew. I thought it was extremely awesome that I got to fuck a guy with a strap on and I wanted all my friends to know about it.

Meanwhile, Jed begged me to let him do me up the ass.

He told me that Greek girls were supposed to like it up the ass. I guess all the Greek girls he knew only took it up the ass so they wouldn't get pregnant. (On a side note: He also thought we came from aliens and that he came up with the X-Files pilot and it was mysteriously stolen one night when he was distracted by the UFO outside his window—what? he was good in bed and could get good coke.)

I held him off for three years. He would show me porn where girls got it in the ass and say "See how much she likes it? Look at her cunt throbbing!"

I knew that her cunt wasn't throbbing it was just moving cause a 10 inch dildo, strapped to another girls knee was being shoved in and out of her ass.

Then he'd show me others and say "Look at her face, isn't that hot? She loves it." The girl looked terrified and shocked. A look that I perfected and used during sex so that Jed would get really turned on and have to stop fucking me and eat me out for a while so he wouldn't cum too fast. I love getting munched on.

Anyway, when our relationship was in trouble, I panicked. He was never going to marry me but I liked to fuck him and didn't want that to stop. So I bought a butt plug.

Jed often suggested that I start out with a small plug, walk around with it in for a while, then put a larger plug in and walk around with that in for a while. He said then I should be stretched out enough for some anal action. I put it in and tried to walk.

It kept coming out and it was uncomfortable. I kept trying, but the damn thing kept falling out onto the floor and I had to pick it up and wash it then re-lube it, what a pain. I tried it with panties on and it just got my panties full of lube. So I abandoned this idea.

I watched some more videos and finally told Jed "Ok Yes, I'll do it." I made sure Jed was just back from the coke dealers house when I called. It was the easiest way to get him to come over. Overjoyed, he told me he was coming to Chicago (he lived in Indiana) in a couple of days.

I panicked. I didn't eat for a whole day and bought an enema. I wanted to be clean and thought it was like a douche. I had no shit to shit out from not eating, so the enema liquid just trickled out for a while. Pretty gross.

I washed and shaved like ten times before his arrival. I had to shave my asshole. I have no idea if there is hair there, but since I have tons of it everywhere else, I must have it there, so I shaved it. I don't stare at my asshole in a mirror like some people do.

So Jed arrived. And I thought "Oh shit!" He bought some stupid toys on the way and showed them to me. He was pretty high on coke. That's what he does when anything having to do with the ass is involved. Actually that's what he does when anything having to do with sex is involved.

I got stoned on weed (I had stopped using coke during sex because all I want to do is talk and all he wants to do is shove his dick in my mouth to shut me up) and we began.

He played with my ass and used the butt plug a few times. He was giddy-almost childish. I faked a few moans-I was stoned it wasn't that unpleasant. Then it was time. He put so much lube on his dick I think he used the whole bottle.

"Don't worry babe, I bought a few more bottles." He was smug and had this dominator look on his face that I always found so hot. But then, I didn't think it was so hot cause he was about to enter my pooper.

He slid it in, really, really slow. I made my shocked and surprised face and gasped and he came instantly. What the fuck? I had to go sit on the toilet and experience the whole enema trickle again.

He apologized. "This never happens when I do a lot of coke, you know? But the look on your face was so hot!"

I was stoned so I just giggled and said it was ok. He then told me he should be back up and running in about five minutes for another go.

Another go? No way! He got his ass fuck and blew it-no more! That's what my head said, but since the relationship was in trouble what came out of my mouth was: "OK, That was kinda nice."

What a liar! So he poured another bottle of lube on his dick and slid it in again. This time he lasted about ten minutes. It still felt like I was taking a shit but I kept telling myself I wasn't because I hadn't eaten in like 48 hours and I was starving.

After five minutes of this I increased my moans and screamed a little to speed up the process. Then he was done.

"So did you like it?" he asked. I was in the bathroom on the toilet letting the cum ooze out of my ass and he was laying happily on the bed.

"Yeah, it wasn't bad but I didn't cum and I really prefer it the regular way."

He laughed' "Okay, no more of that. I'll take care of you like you like it for the rest of my visit." And he did. Then we broke up a few weeks later.

So, all in all, Ass fucking isn't that bad. But I don't have a prostate. So as good as it feels to men it really doesn't do much for me. And I have a hard time believing that other girls like it.

Maybe next time I'll try reading during anal sex. I've always wanted to revisit Jane Eyre.