Keeping Up With The Ruston Whites

750 Word Project 2023

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If you're a fan of 90s British comedy, you should guess my inspiration for this story.

===

Roger...

Yes, dear?

I'm expecting a parcel today from a very prestigious business. Please wear a tie when you collect it.

Of course, dear. What is it?

Oh, it's a new device Mrs Ruston-White mentioned at the ladies' social. She said it changed her life, and if it's good enough for a lady of her pedigree, then it's something we should have.

Oh. But what exactly is it, Victoria?

Roger, it's a high class electrical utensil that will change our life. Do try to keep up.

Yes, dear. What was the company it's coming from?

It was called the London Boutique. It sounds very upmarket. Not common at all.

===

Victoria! Your parcels arrived.

Don't shout, Roger. You know I won't have shouting in the house. It's very lower class.

Sorry dear. Where shall I put it?

On the dining room table. Did you wear a tie to collect it?

Yes, dear.

And did the postman look happy? He never looks happy. I don't like my mail being handled by unhappy people.

He had a smile today. Asked if I was planning something special tonight.

Oh, that's nice. He's probably heard I'm planning a soiree soon. It's a shame he can't be invited. It would lower the tone of the entire night. Anyway, be a dear and fetch me a knife.

Yes dear. I'll get a sharp one just for you.

Did you say something, Roger?

Nothing, dear. Here you are.

I'm so excited to see what it is. It must be a wonderful... Oh. Roger, what is it?

You don't know? You bought it. It looks like a rose.

Well, I asked Edward to buy it. Mrs Ruston-White mentioned to Lady Fortescue she saw it in last Sunday's Times colour supplement, so Eddie found a copy of the newspaper and ordered it for me over the internet. He'll do anything for his mummy.

I thought Mrs Ruston-White talked to you, not you overheard it.

Roger! I wasn't eavesdropping, if that's what you're implying. It was a normal conversation between two perfectly respectable ladies I just happened to be an adjacent party to.

Oh, yes dear. I completely understand. I'm not sure if this will change our world, though.

Of course it will, Roger. When you figure out what it does.

Yes dear.

===

Victoria, it's a vibrator. A very expensive vibrator and stimulator.

It's a what, dear? I don't understand. Do you mean a cleaning tool?

Nooo... It's a more personal tool. A very personal tool for ladies.

I... No. Respectable ladies don't...

Victoria, it's a sexual device. And I'm very sure respectable ladies use them.

Roger! Please don't use that word in this house.

Sorry dear, but don't you think that if Mrs Ruston-White uses one, then there's nothing common about it?

Yes Roger, I suppose you're right. After all, it was in The Times.

===

Are you sure you know how that... thing works?

Oh, I certainly do, Victoria. There are some interesting online tutorials.

Well, I'm still unsure. It seems tacky, but if Lady Fortescue of the Manor is planning to buy one, then I should at least consider it.

Well, it could be fun. And it'll have seen more action than I have in the last twenty-two years...

Pardon, dear? Please don't mumble. Only common people mumble.

Sorry dear. I was just wondering how you want to try this. It needs to go, umm, inside and outside... you.

My goodness. Are you sure?

Yes dear, I'm very sure.

So, no underwear?

No dear.

Well, I've never heard of such things. How crude. Hmm, I will put on my best nightgown, you know, the silk one with the flamingos, and lie on the bed.

Certainly Victoria, but may I make a suggestion? The effect would be better if you were on your knees. Your... areas would be more available.

That seems so uncouth. Well, I've always said I'm willing to try new things. I'll call when I'm ready. And leave the light off.

===

Roger, I'm ready.

Yes, dear. Are you sure you don't want a light? It's very dark.

Just hurry. This is so vulgar. Ooo...

Victoria?

Urr. Ooo, umm. Oh, dear me. Oof...

Is it ok?

Oh, my stars.

I'm about to insert the other part.

EEEK!!! ROGER!!!

Victoria?

Oh, my god! You deliberately did that.

Pardon?

You pushed that into the wrong hole.

Did I? I'm sorry.

Ohohohohoh... Oh yes! Roger?

Yes, dear?

Thank you. Umm, can you please replace that with your... todger?

Oh, yes dear.