Paul...you Fucing Idiot

The only thing Paul did in the year after he graduated from CalTex High was party, being a goofball... And making 1 humongous mistake that his Father (Peter), his friends, & anyone else in general would make fun of him of...

Paul & his friends (Randy, Simon, & Bert) spent the Summer playing video games, pulling pranks on each other, and doing nothing with their lives...Which prompted Peter to have a talk with his son in early September...

Peter: Son...What are you gonna do with your life???

Paul: Relax Dad...I'm only 18...I have time...

Peter: You better find out soon...Because you can't stay here forever!...

The following weekend, Simon asked Paul, Randy & Simon did they want to go to some College parties???

Paul: We've been through this before...No one's gonna believe that were College Students!!!

Simon: But this time...I got student ID's for SMU, TCU, Texas A&M, & Texas!....

Bert: Cool Dude...Were gonna party our asses off!!! (He & Randy slapped hands)...

Paul: Where did you get these (ID's) from???

Simon: I told you...I have connections...

Randy: Let's go this weekend!...

Simon: Were going to SMU & TCU (Since they were the closet to Dallas)...

THE LABOR DAY WEEKEND MASSACRE

It was Labor Day weekend, and the upperclassmen at SMU & TCU were throwing a welcome back party (and a welcome for the Freshmen) for their fellow students...So Paul & the gang decided to crash SMU first...

As Randy, Simon, & Bert were getting hot women, Paul kept on getting crazy/"Somethin's Not Right With That Girl" women...And finally - After he was about to give up -, Paul met Victoria. He eyed her from across the room as she was leaning on the wall by herself...So he walked up to her...And a conversation ensued...

Paul: What's a hot woman like you doin' alone???

Victoria: (With as serious look on her face as you can get) Guys can't handle me...You think you can???

Paul: I'll like to try!...

After chatting for 10 more minutes, Paul & Victoria went back to her dorm, and they started making out,,,And then they took their clothes off...And that's when it got weird...

As Victoria was undressing, Paul noticed that she had cuts all over her body...And that she was bleeding from a certain area...

Paul: I don't mean to be rude...But are you on your period???

Victoria: (In Nonchalant voice) Yeah...What's the problem???

Paul: (Stating the obvious) YOUR ON YOUR PERIOD!!!

Victoria: I like having sex on my period...I like guys to eat me out as well!...

Paul: (started vomiting in his mouth)...

Victoria: Wanna know why I have all these cuts throughout my body??? I like for guys to cut me!!! The site of blood...(She started to get turned on...And then she said in a sexy voice) TURNS...ME...ON!!! (She then started to finger herself & lick her bloody fingers)...

After seeing...That...Paul couldn't hold it in anymore, and he rushed to the bathroom to vomit...And 4 minutes later - After his stomach was (somewhat) settle -, Paul returned to the main room, where Victoria waited...

Victoria: Somethin' wrong???

Paul: I'm gay...I love cock...Sorry to bother you...(He then ran out the dorm and off the Campus and speed-walks back home - The SMU Campus was only 45 minutes from his Parents house -)...

The following night, the foursome went to a party on TCU's Campus in Fort Worth...

After the previous night at SMU had scarred Paul's mind, he thought it couldn't get any worse...PAUL WAS WRONG...

While at a party at TCU, Paul met Natasha...A hot 5'10 brunette with a 36 D rack, six-pack abs, & a thin waist. Natasha was dressed as scantily clad as you can get (As short as a skirt can get without revealing the goodies...And a shirt that amazingly kept her rack from popping out (which they almost constantly did )...That had the words "CUM AND GET IT" written on the chest area, and some purple & black (TCU's colors) stilettos on)...And what made it better for Paul was...That NATASHA CAME ON TO HIM (which made Randy, Simon, & Bert so jealous)...But when Paul & Natasha went back to her dorm...It was deju vu from the previous night...BUT EVEN STRANGER...

Natasha told Paul to sit down. Then she bent over to stretch (which showed that she didn't have any panties on)...Which made Paul even hornier. Then Natasha told him "That she was going to the bathroom to slip into somethin' more comfortable"... And a few minutes later, Natasha came out in a "Jesus Is My Lover" long shirt & some basketball shorts...

Paul: Oooookkkkkay...

Natasha: Close your eyes...

When Paul opened his eyes...There were 2 men with Natasha...

Natasha: Dad...THIS MAN NEEDS TO BE SAVED!!!

Paul: WHOA WHOA WHOA!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!

Natasha: My Father (Pastor Bradford Hopkins) & my Brother (Jimmy) are here to save you!!!

Bradford: You need saving Paul...You've allowed all this lust to poison your mind...

Paul: No offense...But all I wanted was to get laid!...

Jimmy: (After putting his hand on Paul's forehead) RELEASE HIM RELEASE HIM...YOU GOTTA GO DEMONS!!!

Paul: GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!!!

Bradford: Were only here to help you Paul...

Paul: You do realize that your daughter dressed like a slut to get me up here???

Natasha: If I have to dress like a slut to get guys attention...Then that's what I gotta do...I'm proud to be THE LORD'S SLUT!!!

Paul: YOU PEOPLE ARE NUTS!!!

Natasha: Yes we are...

Bradford, Jimmy, & Natasha: (Simultaneously) FOR JESUS CHRIST!!!

Paul: (In a complete shocked voice) I can't believe this...For the 2nd straight night, I've met a super crazy chick...And your more crazier than "Period Girl" last night...I'm outta here...

Natasha: Don't you wanna be saved Paul...

Paul: I'm Catholic!!! (Then he walked out the door)...

For the 2nd straight night, Paul went home (this time on a bus) after a strange encounter with a hot babe...And over the weekend, Paul kept on thinking how his luck could be so bad with women??? He started to think that God was playing a joke on him...And for 4 months, Paul didn't talk to a woman...While Randy, Simon, & Bert were getting laid more times than a bed - Especially when they went to parties at Texas (early October), & Texas A&M (late November) -...Then finally - After 4 months -, Paul got back into the game...

THE NEW YEAR'S EVE LAY

On New Year's Eve, Paul & the gang went to Cool Blues (the hottest club in Dallas) to pick up some chicks...And throughout the night, Randy, Simon, & Bert got numbers (Randy got the most)...But Paul didn't get many (and the ones he got, he wasn't interested in)...So after time after time of getting the short pic of women, Paul finally decided that he was going to get the hottest girl in the club...And after downing a couple of beers, Paul walked up to a hot blonde (who was with 3 other women)...

Paul: Look...I been eying you all night and I wanna bang you!!!

Woman: What's your name???

Paul: Paul...

Woman: I'm Ana.

Paul: What do you say me and you get out of here and go back to my place???

Ana: Your direct!...But why me???

Paul: Cuz your the hottest girl in the fucking club!!!

Ana: Well...Thank you...

Paul: Come on...You get that a lot...

Ana: Well...Yeah...But it's still nice to be complimented...Even if your drunker than a Southern Redneck!...

Paul & Ana chatted for a few more minutes, before she agreed to leave with Paul. He then took her to his Parent's house...Where they proceeded to have constant sex until they each fell asleep...And later in the morning, Ana woke up first, and then she woke up Paul...

Ana: You were pretty good in the sack!!!

Paul: You remembered??? I thought you were plastered on beer & cocktails???

Ana: I was...But I remember when I have great sex!...You wanna see each other again...When were not drunk???

Paul: Your probably a great girl...And your super hot...But all I wanted to do was get laid.

Ana: (In a disappointed voice) Oh...

Paul: Yeah...But if you ever wanna have a night of fun again...Call me!...

Paul spent the next month playing video games, pulling pranks, drinking beer, and continuing to do nothing with his life...So when Randy asked him (and the rest of the gang) did they want to Cool Blues, Paul said "Sure".

Exactly 1 month after his one night stand with Ana...Another woman had her eyes on Paul...And while Paul & the gang were at the bar having drinks, a hot brunette walked up to them...

Bert: (In as sexy voice as he could muster) Hey good lookin'...

Brunette: So lame...(Now talking to Paul)...Hey you...

Paul: Who me???

Brunette: Yeah you...My friend Darcy wants to talk to you...She's shy, so she had me come over here instead...(Then she walked back to her table with Darcy and the other girls)...

Simon: Come on...She's a fat chick!!!

Paul: She's a little thick...But she's cute. (Then he got up to talk to Darcy)...Heard you liked me???

Darcy: Your cute...

Paul: Wanna go somewhere more private???

Darcy: Sure...But were not having sex!!!

Paul: That's okay...I just wanna talk to ya..

Paul & Darcy drove around for the next hour and a half, and they hit it off...And over the next couple of weeks, the 2 decided to become a couple... And over the next few weeks, Paul & Darcy went out a few times a week (clubs, restaurants, concerts, even a Dallas Mavericks basketball game, to name a few)...But as their 2 month anniversary was approaching, Paul was getting bored with Darcy...He wasn't as attractive to her anymore...And throw on top of that, the guys (Randy, Simon, & Bert) were constantly raggin' on him for being with a "Fat Chick", and he finally decided that he was going to break up with Darcy on April Fool's Day...But at the end of the day, Paul would be the BIGGEST fool ever...

THE JOKES ON YOU PAUL

Paul invited Darcy over to the guys apartment (he stayed there when he's not living at his parents house)... And after talking for 30 minutes, Paul finally decided to break the news to Darcy...

Paul: Sit down Darcy...It's been a fun 2 months...But I don't want to do this anymore...I think it's time to see other people...

Darcy: So your breaking up with me???

Paul: I'm sorry...But yeah...

Darcy: Ok...But before I leave...I just wanna let you & your "Boys" know that I heard y'all makin' fun of me...

Paul: (In a "O shit, she found out voice) What are you talkin' about???

Darcy: I'm a Fat Girl!...I may be big...But your not Brad Pitt either...Also, before I leave, Just wanna tell you that I'm Richard Marshall's Daughter!...

Bert: THE RICHARD MARSHALL who's worth $800 million???

Darcy: And the President of Deep South Oil (The 5th largest oil company in the Country)!!!

Paul: (In a "I hope she thought I was joking at my last statement and that everything is okay now" voice) APRIL FOOL'S!!! Girl I was just jokin'...I love you...Your the love of my life!!!

Darcy: (After spending over 30 seconds laughing) I feel sorry for you Paul...You FUCKED UP on a $800 million lottery ticket.

Randy: I told you Paul...That this girl was special...I always liked you Darcy...

Paul: You were the biggest one who was tellin' me that I should break up with her.

Randy: Don't listen to him Darcy...Although you & Paul didn't work out...That shouldn't stop us...

Darcy: (While walking out the door) You guys are pathetic...Have a nice life...Oh yeah, Paul...WHO'S THE FOOL NOW???

THE AFTERMATH

It didn't take long for word to spread about Paul's major fuck up...And this was the last straw for Peter...When Paul & the gang went back to his Parent's house (a few days after the Darcy debacle), Peter was sitting on the couch waiting for them...

Peter: So...Y'all been out partying???

Bert: Yes sir...Mr. O'Brien!...

Peter: Did y'all get any numbers???

The 4 mingled amongst themselves for a few seconds...

Peter: Did y'all meet any girls...Who's Father is worth $800 million???

The room got so quiet that you could hear a pin drop.

Peter: How bout you Paul...You wouldn't do anything as stupid as dump a girl whose father is worth four-fifths of a billion dollars now would you???

Paul: (Lyin' through his teeth) Nah Pa...

Peter: Then this story about you breaking up with a girl whose Father is worth $800 million is total BS???

Paul: (In a nervous/"I hope he doesn't catch me in this lie" voice) Yeah...I would never do a stupid thing like that...

Peter: Why are you lyin' to me Paul??? I heard Bert talkin' about it the other day...

Paul: (Hits Bert in the arm)...

Peter: Don't be hittin' on Bert...Your the Dumbass!!! You know Paul...I've put up with you sittin' here not doin' anything with your life long enough!...You know that your Sister (Paulina) got accepted into Notre Dame...And she's not even done with her Junior year (of High School) yet??? Your 2 years older than her Paul...WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE!???

Paul: I don't know Pa...

Peter: Well you better figure it out quickly...Because you have until September to move outta here. With your Sister going to College a year from now, it's time for your Mom (Mary) & I to have the house to ourselves...I wanna do some romantic things with her...And your cramping my style!!! (And as he's walking out the room)...SEPTEMBER PAUL!!!

After months of contemplating, Paul finally decided to enroll into Rosendoll Community College in late August, and move in permanently with Randy, Simon, & Bert...And on his 1st day at Rosendoll, Paul would meet the woman who would change his life forever...