It's Raining Men!

##### Copyright © 2023. This is a copyrighted work. Unauthorized use is prohibited. All rights reserved by the author.

My contribution to the

Midnight at the Lost & Found Author Challenge

and yet to the

Halloween Story Contest 2023

, too.

Despite the very scary topics, it is all fantasy, without any reference to real events. It's just a hallucination on Halloween night. Don't try this at home: the actors on stage are all professionals, and for scenes that are too dangerous, specially licensed stuntmen have been hired.

All characters are of legal age.

English is not my mother tongue, please forgive my mistakes.###

INTRO

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"Look, Martine! It's raining MEN! In the nude, bare as Mother Nature made them! And they're all of age, look at the beard on that one! And, damn, they all have full upright dicks! Blond, dark, big, thin, there's all kinds!"

"I don't want to look, you redhead witch!" hissed Martine, moving away from the large vertical window of the university campus Radio station.

"Don't play the prudish bigot with me, you absurd 20 y.o. virgin! With that white clothes, a putto from some medieval painting. Come and see what happens outside the window!"

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Chapter 1. The Odd Couple.

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Great news had affected the Samuel de Champlain University campus in Nova Halifax, on Canada's Atlantic coast. Some months ago, an unknown benefactor had deposited the necessary material for the creation of a Radio Station as a gift, but two conditions were stipulated in the bequest. First, the radio station would only be run by female students over 18 years of age; second, no academic hierarchy could censor news or opinions, as long as national laws were respected and the right of reply granted.

The Radio Headquarters was in an old building with very high ceilings. From a distance it looked like the Addams Family Manor: but all built with red brick. The main difference was the location: close to the football field, bright green, without a swamp full of alligators.

The problem with setting up a radio station is not the location or the technology, but the recruitment of staff. Unfortunately, the web attracted many more girls to personal video production. Almost all the girls started serious, with erudite documentaries on literature or science, then inevitably they discovered there was more money to be made in pornography, and they all became cheap strippers.

Only two girls continued to believe in radio as the medium of the future: Martine and the so-called "Bridget".

In the corridors of the campus, they were called "the Odd Couple", like Lemmon and Matthau in an old movie.

Martine was the typical girl educated in a conservative style. She came from a French-speaking family in Quebec, had three brothers and three sisters, and on any subject always chose extremely cautious positions, avoiding any form of innovation. In his family, it was even forbidden to play cards! Radio, for some reason, was counted among the acceptable technologies. Television, on the other hand, was not, because it objectified the female body. And the Internet was looked upon with suspicion.

"Bridget" was the name the other girl had chosen for herself, when she was, so to speak, "reborn" as a Vegan Witch inspired by some books by Wiccan women writers. You know, the whole repertoire: Moon, Cats, Broom, Tarot, Crystals, and all the rest of the usual stuff. She had chosen that name, Bridget, after the first woman convicted of Witchcraft in Salem. She ate only vegan food and wore only plant fabrics, never leather. However, she did not need leather for shoes: Bridget had obtained permission from the headmaster to walk barefoot around campus at all times of the day, including in classrooms for examinations and assemblies. At first, it caused quite a stir, but then people got used to it (in summer many people walk barefoot on the grass: it is winter that selects the real heroes). She said that this way she felt more contact with Mother Nature, and she disturbed the insects in the meadows less. She didn't even need much fabric, really: Bridget never wore a bra (despite being 20 years old, she had small A-cups), as could be seen from her back, which was always bare. According to some eyewitnesses, the girl never wore panties... but maybe that was just a rumor.

Martine was well-behaved, kind, Virgo by zodiac sign, and a virgin in her intact hymen. Her radio colleague often joked about these things, claiming she was always hysterical because of it.

Bridget was cheeky, good-looking, without hesitation. Cute, with freckles on her dimples and a thick mane of natural red hair that fell gloriously over her black T-shirts of dyed cotton with no artificial dyes. Zodiac sign Leo, and Panther Maneater in bed, so everyone always said.

Martine was constantly washing her hands, with soap or wet wipes. Those who passed by her at the communal washbasin often heard her mumble some rhyme as if to measure the time needed to perform a deep clean. Her nickname on air was "Double M" (Mumblin' Martine). She almost always wore white clothes, because she said they could be washed in very hot water for deeper cleaning and better hygiene.

Bridget only washed when strictly necessary to save water and soap; and her small feet (which were, by the way, very nice to look at) had calloused and dirty soles, as often happens to people who walk barefoot for many months in a row. For her bits of advice on world peace, paganism, and environmentalism, her nickname on air was "Triple V" (Vegan Witch).

The news was for school news during the day, at fixed times. But the real show was after dinner, each evening at 10.30 p.m. Often the Odd Couple would argue on live radio. In a way, the radio's success depended on their strange dialectic. Some students used their voices for a funny Drinking Game: every time Bridget insulted Martine by saying "You Virgin!", everyone had to take a shot. For balance, every time Martine had hissed "Vegan Witch!", another shot.

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It was a dark and stormy night: the Halloween evening.

There were only people of age on campus. It was raining very, very hard outside: as they say in London, it rains cats and dogs, but that's just a figure of speech.

The internet servers were down, and so was the television: the only means of communication that still worked was the campus radio. Many people were tuned in to the right radio frequency, hoping that the Odd Couple would announce that the rain was about to end: nobody wanted to get their costumes wet before midnight.

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"We can't read this news, Bridget, please! They're not officially confirmed yet!"

"But what more evidence do you need? Just look out our giant window!"

Martine didn't want to believe what she was seeing, but it was true. It wasn't a hallucination. And everyone was going to see it with their own eyes!

The demure Martine took the microphone. Bridget wanted to snatch it from her hands, but she couldn't.

It was 10 p.m.

After turning on the microphone button, Martine declared, in a metallic voice in the style of official radio announcements:

"Breaking News.

A state-wide weather storm is now in effect.

A considerable amount of rain is expected for this evening, though many citizens have claimed to have seen MORE, than just water, falling from the sky.

More information to come: stay tuned."

Martine disconnected the live broadcast with the button. Automatically a song started: ironically, it was "Here Comes the Sun".

####

The goth Bridget was furious, and fast, too. She looked at her white colleague with contempt and said "You just cannot hide the truth from everyone. Winston Churchill said it, once."

Gripping the handle of her large Witch's Broom, Bridget pushed Martine away from the control panel, turned on the live button, and then announced:

"Welcome back, ladies! ... ahem... And gentlemen, too.

Following on our broadcast "from earlier", so to speak...

it has been CONFIRMED... that today IS... (in fact!) ... RAINING MEN.

the usual sources of information but, based on this morning's forecast, we have to assume that the vast wave of rain is affecting much of North America, from the Atlantic to well beyond the Great Lakes, and possibly even as far as... Alberta, or Seattle, IDK.

Eyewitnesses report that these Men are not harmful... However there is concern about how the Countries will deal with the unexpected flow.

Who are these men? Where are they from? Why do they all look like gorgeous stock photo images?

More information to come."

Bridget switched off the live feed. The music started again but no one was listening. Everyone was turned towards the sky.

Girls and boys of all ages could see that it was raining men from the sky! But what was happening?

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Chapter 2: Somewhere, Over the Rain: "Bow!".

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Above the clouds, far above the raindrops, walked two other people: these two were also jokingly referred to by acquaintances as "The Odd Couple."

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At this point, every reader will think: "Wow! If I had a nickel for every time for every time a Strange Couple is encountered in this tale, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. Right?" do not worry, gentle reader. The whole story is fictional, but this chapter is completely lacking in credibility. Where are the sources? Unlike Geology, Meteorology is an exact Science: it is not possible to dismiss a Flood with just a couple of memes.

###

The tall, thin one, wearing a black shirt under a garish red suit, resembled a young Doctor Who. Large sunglasses seemed hardly justified in the darkness of the storm, but perhaps, he did not want to distract people with the snake-like shape of his pupils.

The shorter, plump one, looking blissful and serene, looked more like a blessed version of the talented actor Charlie Sheen. He was dressed in a funny white velvet waistcoat, which made him look like the White Rabbit from Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland".

But instead of worrying about being late, he walked very slowly, as if he was afraid of what awaited him beyond the last cloud. The white one even stopped almost motionless, letting the red one overtake him. "My dear boy, you seem so hurry! Perhaps you drank twice your ration of Six Shots of Expresso in a Big Cup, in front of my Bookshop before coming?"

"Nah! I was born ready. Ready is my Middle Name."

"So your full name sounds, now, Ashtoreth Ready Crowley?"

"Hear me, Marvelous Aziraphale, please, be an angel..."

"I am, indeed."

"Legally, so am I, don't be a fool. So, Azir, be a lamb and don't tease me. Tease is MY job. If you want to tease about names, I might ask what kind of fucking title it is, Guardian of Eastern Gate... maybe Dorothy accidentally killed your sister the wicked witch of the West?"

"You're not funny."

"Everyone says instead that my spirit is..."

"Shut up! We are close! She might hear us!"

From behind a blanket of clouds, a female voice called them by name. It was a proud and self-conscious female voice, which could be compared to that of actress Frances McDormand, whom some readers will remember seeing playing a pregnant woman in her seventh month in the movie "Fargo" (1996).

"Ashtoreth! Aziraphale! Strictly in alphabetical order. Come forward, and bow before me, over the Rain."

The white one bowed his forehead in silence.

The red one prostrated himself like a visiting diplomat before the Emperor of China, tapping his forehead on the ground.

"I see you have not lost the habit of groveling, Grand Serpent. But today, Mother Nature needs you to maintain an anthropomorphic appearance. My plan for today is to unleash a deluge on the Earth's surface... A Flood, but enormous..."

The two angels asked Mother Nature, "But what is this rain for?"

"By magic, every girl will discover that there is a man who is "perfect for her" and that he is not always Brad Pitt. You know, you two smart guys? Every girl is full of insecurities. They all dream of Mister Pitt or some other imaginary apex-level figure: but the reality of mating, in nature, is that every horse mates with a mare from her valley, every ram with a ewe from her flock, every bull with a cow from her farm. And beware, you smiling fools, I am not against mixing, quite the contrary! I said "locally" because I don't know if you intellectuals would understand the concept of "hic et nunc". If at the local level, there are professors from Africa and students from Eurasia, that's fine with me, okiedokie. I encourage travelers: I have a few orcas that swam the seven seas before finding the right female orca. What

And no cow dreams of a full Brad Pitt who lives in another farm, and hangs out only with supermodels... each one cow settles for the bull that is right for her."

The White One intervened: "May I suggest to call it a Goldilocks Principle? As if... not too strong, not too weak, but just the right strength?"

The Red One grinned. " "Oh, but then it does you no use to gather all those dusty books in your Bookshop, Azy... I was hoping you would at least quote Aristotle or the Aurea Mediocritas of the Romans..."

Mother Nature tapped her fingers (composed of leaves) as her patience waned. "I don't have time to waste with a strange pair of clowns on Halloween night. This huge flood of men will give each girl the knowledge that the perfect guy for her is not always "the tallest" "the strongest" or "the more selfish"... but the most suitable.

Sometimes, he will be the most patient; the calmest; the most affectionate.

Sure, they all dream of Brad Pitt sweating and soiled with the blood of their newly defeated enemies, but in everyday reality, each girl needs a calmer, more reliable guy.

I do not tolerate this fantasy of human girls, believing that they are all above average. Because, you see, you two..."

"Average is the sum of half people above, and half people below average!"

"Exactly. If every girl deludes herself into thinking she's a Ten and only accepts invitations to dates from guys with six feet, six abs, and six digits (don't grin, Red boy!), that girl is self-condemning herself to be alone. If, on the other hand, every girl realized that she might be a five, but that in the river of men, there is a five who will love her more than his own life, both would be happy."

The Red One exclaimed: "I like it when human couples have sex. There is something perverse every time!"

The White One asked: "What about... Do you know... about gays? Uh, and, I also have to ask... what about lesbians?"

Mother Nature replied, "One thing at a time, blondie: I know very well which category you care most about, for your own (very secret but understandable) reason.

But we'll proceed by baby steps, dear: remember that your superintendent would exterminate the whole of humanity, again, with another flood.

Today I will sort out the unmarried girls, who demographically are the heaviest quantity.

Next week, or some other week, we'll see what... I... can do for the Lesbians, and then we'll move on."

The two bowed to the Powerful Lady.

The Red One nodded, "OK, OK. So this is your plan. Usually, every Flood was for the creatures to disappear from the Earth..."

"What do you mean "EVERY" Flood? I thought there was only one Flood!" objected the White One.

"Pft. I won't even answer you." Muttered the Red One.

"... Instead, with this particular Flood, I want to allow all women who wish, to become pregnant. Those who don't want to, just don't say anything. Those who say, or just think, "I would love to get pregnant", they get it."

"And what about the... fun?"

"Ah, these are angelic men, made directly by angels. Guaranteed orgasms, long-lasting and complete satisfaction. "Satisfaction or money back", it even says so in the Logo."

"But then who will raise the babies?"

"One miracle at a time, boys. Mother Nature wasn't impressed by the extinction of the giant Dinosaurs, it won't be these little humans that give me trouble..."

The Red One objects, "Mother Nature, seriously: are you dismissing us by quoting a meme?"

"Darling, we live in 2023, everyone dismisses interlocutors under a flood of memes, didn't you know that? Not just in Scandinavia, and the World, but everywhere else in the universe... memes are now part of linguistic communication, soon the Ministry of Education will make them as mandatory in schools, as U2 and Bruce Springsteen..."

###

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Chapter 3: Two Girls, One Radio, and a Guest.

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From the window glass, Martine and Bridget could see what was happening on the lawn in front of the Radio's building.

Only a few men had fallen from the sky, but they had fallen on the lawn where the girls' football team was practicing.

A tall girl from Quebec, Morgane Mégane, who was captain and goalkeeper, was riding the erect cock of a rained man lying on the ground. It was obvious that he was not forcing her: on the contrary, it was she who was not allowing him to escape!

Next to her, another female player, a massive central defender, was on all fours while one of the rained men who had fallen from the sky was fucking her from behind, doggy style. He was pulling her by the blonde ponytail, while she shouted "Behind every great woman, there is always a great man!". Usually, that girl looked tense and nervous, but today she looked very happy.

Next to her, another girl of Asian origin was lying under a dark-haired rained man: her thighs were open like those of a breaststroke swimmer, and she too looked very happy in the rain.

An ebony-black girl was She was penetrated simultaneously by a rained man in front and another one behind: it looked like an Oreo biscuit, but with the colors reversed.

Each girl moaned and screamed in orgasm. These rained men who fell from the sky may not have been of many words, but they certainly had the game (of angelic style). They knew how to satisfy a woman.

Turning her gaze away from the scenes taking place in the meadow, an annoyed Martine ordered Bridget to use all her fairy tools to figure out what was going on: the orb, the tarot cards, the self-propelled tablet...

But Bridget shook her head: "Those are just charlatan tricks for fool the fools."

A bolt of lightning fell from the sky, right on the radio station building. Thanks be to Benjamin Franklin, for not only inventing bifocals!

The wind opened the large vertical window.

A flash lit up the hall as if it were broad daylight.

Mother Nature, vaporous, enormous, with two huge breasts and gigantic hips, appeared before the Strange Couple.

Bridget stammered. "You are... you are..."

Martine was more effective: "You are Mother Nature!?"

The giant dark green figure nodded. It looked like a mountain, but light, almost immaterial. As if it had been composed of leaves and insects, or much smaller cellular structures. And chlorophyll: so much chlorophyll. Still, she looked like a statue of the Venus of Willendorf, with huge tits, nipples the size of milk cans, and a huge vulva. And she looked pregnant in the seventh to eighth month, with a huge belly and a gorgeous epidermis.

Something that looked like a pair of fingers (made of leaves) pointed at her forehead: "Hey, you. Your eyes are up here" She smiled in a soprano voice, very motherly and feminine. Her face was half-hidden by a large tame of dark green curls.

"Oh, excuse me..."

"It's OK. It happens to me all the time. You humans are all very predictable..."

"Uh! Is our microphone off, or are we live on the Radio?"

"Girls, stay calm. I turned your microphone off (it's a trick I learned... many years ago). I have something to say to one of you: you don't have to be afraid of your hymen breaking, it's a completely natural thing, it happened to your mothers and grandmothers, there's nothing strange about it."