Incest Christmas

Doug answered the door.

"Merry Christmas, Dad!" Ben said as he stepped inside. He gave his father a hug.

"Merry Christmas, Ben," Doug said, patting his son on the back. "I just hope this wasn't a mistake, getting everybody together today."

"You've been watching too much news," Ben said, putting down his bag of presents and taking off his coat. "Everything will be fine, no need to worry."

Doug said, "But they're saying all this craziness started around Thanksgiving, and they're saying families shouldn't be gathering..."

"People are overreacting," Ben said. "It's just a bunch of wild stories. It can't be as bad as they say. Anyway, even if society is falling apart, we can still celebrate Christmas, can't we?"

"Ben!" Judy said as she entered the hallway. She hugged Ben.

"Hey, Mom," Ben said. "It smells great in here."

"Laura has been helping in the kitchen," Judy said. "By the way, she mentioned that she wanted to talk you in private for a bit? In her bedroom?"

Ben winced and said, "She must be joking."

Doug said, "She better be joking."

"What?" Judy said, confused.

"Never mind, dear," Doug said. "Why don't you bring out those cookies you made."

Judy went back to the kitchen while Doug and Ben went to the den.

Doug said, "I don't think your mother is quite grasping what's happening out there."

"If anything is happening," Ben said. "All we're hearing about are rumors."

"And people can't seem to stop talking about it," Doug said. "Well, let's put it out of our minds and not bring it up again."

"Agreed," Ben said. "Nobody will talk about incest today."

"Are we talking about incest?" Laura said loudly as she entered the room. "Because holy crap, I've been hearing some crazy stuff. Hello, Ben, my dear older brother. By the way, I'm sure you remember I turned eighteen a couple months ago?"

"This really isn't funny," Ben said.

"I disagree," Laura said. "It pretty funny. And pretty weird. Sorry, Dad, I just don't think we can avoid talking about incest."

"Could you at least try?" Doug said. "Especially around your mother."

"Sure, we can enable her denial," Laura said. "But she'll eventually have to face it one way or another."

Ben said, "Or this whole silly thing will blow over and we'll never have to mention it again."

"Oh boy, you're in denial too?" Laura said. "Incest is sweeping the world and you think it will just go away?"

"People are just panicking over some crazy stories," Ben said. "Incest is not a new viral trend, nobody is actually doing it."

Laura said, "Or everybody is doing it! Well, not everybody. Not us. As far as I know."

"Are you guys arguing in here?" Judy said, carrying a tray of cookies. "There's no arguing on Christmas."

Laura said, "We're just talking about the news, Mom."

"No politics either," Judy said. The doorbell rang. "Oh, that must be Maggie." She put the tray on the coffee table and left the room.

Doug said, "Look, we really have to stop talking about incest. Let's just enjoy Christmas without any craziness."

"Okay, Dad," Laura said.

"Sure, Dad," Ben said.

Maggie came into the room. "Merry Christmas!" she said. "How is everyone?"

Laura said, "We're not talking about incest."

"Good," Maggie said. "That's all I've been thinking about lately."

They stared at her.

"For a research project!" Maggie said. "Both the sociology and psychology departments are working on a report for the White House, actually. We're trying to get a sense of what's happening. I've been conducting so many interviews."

"And?" Laura asked.

"And I'm not suppose to talk about it," Maggie said.

"Correct," Doug said. "This is an incest-free Christmas."

"Yeah, but..." Laura said.

"Honey?" Judy said to Doug as she poked her head into the room. "Could you help me put the leaf in the table?"

"Yes, dear." Before he left, Doug wagged his finger in admonishment at his son and daughters.

As soon as he was gone, Maggie said in hushed tones, "Okay, here's everything I know."

"Nice!" Laura whispered excitedly while Ben sighed.

Maggie said, "First of all, we've been trying to determine how many people are actually participating in this incest trend."

Laura said, "So how many?"

Maggie said, "We're not sure."

"Boo," Laura said.

Ben said, "But you've been interviewing people."

"Mostly horny college students," Maggie said. "The data is a bit skewed."

Laura said, "So some of them are doing incest?"

"Oh yeah," Maggie said.

"A lot of them?"

"More than we expected," Maggie said.

Ben said, "But it can't be that many."

Maggie said, "Like it or not, this incest trend is real. If you want a rough estimate, maybe ten percent of the population have been trying incest in the past few weeks."

Laura said, "Oh, that's not that many."

"Ten percent?!" Ben said. "That's millions of people! That's hundreds of millions of people worldwide!"

Maggie said, "And there will probably be a spike over Christmas. It's pretty crazy out there. We've never seen a viral trend that has spread so fast and make so little sense. How did fully consensual adult incest become a thing so quickly? People aren't supposed to like incest."

"But they say it's amazing," Laura said.

"That's the second thing we've been trying to determine," Maggie said. "Are people really enjoying incest? How good is the sex?"

"And?" Laura said.

"It's mind-blowing, they say," Maggie said. "Life-changing. An incredibly profound and beautiful experience. The best sex of their lives. No regrets whatsoever."

"Oh come one," Ben said. "Are they just saying that? How good can it be?"

"I'm just reporting what they tell us," Maggie said. "We were pretty skeptical too, but they seem sincere. And actually, a few people on our research team have recently tried incest, and they agree, it's as awesome as everybody said."

"What?!" Laura and Ben both exclaimed.

Doug walked into the room. "You better not be talking about incest," he said.

"No, we're talking about movies," Laura said quickly.

"And television shows," Ben said.

"And... sports?" Maggie said.

"Look," their father said, "I know incest is what everybody wants to talk about, but I don't want this ruining Christmas. So can we give it a rest? And for heaven's sake, please don't..."

"Honey?" Judy called out from the kitchen.

"Yes, dear?"

"Could you open this jar?"

Doug sighed. "Just... don't," he said to them, and went back to the kitchen.

They silently watched him leave, then Maggie said, "There's another part of this we're trying to understand."

Laura said, "Yeah?"

Maggie said, "How is it that people can talk about incest so easily now?"

Ben said, "What do you mean?"

Laura said, "Dude, you're having a conversation with your sisters about incest--why are you not dying of embarrassment?"

Ben frowned and said, "I don't know."

Maggie said, "Somehow, between the memes and the moral panic, everybody decided incest was a normal thing to talk about now. But how? What broke the taboo?"

Laura said, "I heard that the chemicals in microplastics are changing our behavior."

"There's no evidence of that," Maggie said.

Laura said, "I also heard that we're being manipulated by AI."

"Ugh, conspiracy theories," Maggie said.

Laura said, "I also heard..."

"Wait a minute," Ben said, a worried look on his face. "Are either of you feeling embarrassed?"

"About what?" Laura said.

"About having a family discussion about incest!" Ben said.

"No, I'm okay," Laura said.

"You don't feel any shame or disgust?" Ben said.

"No."

"Do you feel anything?"

"Uh, a little hungry," Laura said. "I think dinner will be ready soon."

Maggie asked Ben, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm not sure," Ben said.

"Any feelings of shame or disgust?"

"Not really," Ben said. "Isn't that crazy?"

Laura said, "So when you imagine having sex with me, you feel...?"

"Annoyed?" Ben said.

Judy walked into the room. "Look at you guys," their mother said with a smile. "All huddle together, talking so seriously. It's so good to have everyone home."

"It's good to be home, Mom," Maggie said.

"Well, I won't interrupt your important conversation," Judy said. "Dinner will be ready in a minute."

Doug appeared at the doorway. "Are they behaving themselves?"

"Oh, let them be," Judy said, taking his arm and heading back to the kitchen. "They're fine."

Maggie waited for their parents to leave, then said, "There's another thing you should know."

"Of course," Ben said, slumping.

"It's a fairly obvious observation, but the strongest predictor for incestuous activity is physical attractiveness," Maggie said.

Ben said, "So that means..."

Maggie said, "It's mostly hot people who are doing incest."

"Good," Laura said. "Nobody wants to hear about uggos doing it. If it's just the hotties... oh, wait..."

"We're a hot family," Ben said glumly.

"We sure are," Laura said. "You're a stud." She pointed at Maggie. "You're gorgeous. I'm smoking hot. Even Mom and Dad still have it going on."

Ben said, "So now what?"

"So now nothing," Maggie said. "It's just something you should be aware of. It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" Laura said. "Are your saying, even though all of us here are hot and horny..."

"Hang on," Ben said.

"...that doesn't make us more susceptible to this incest trend?"

"Correct," Maggie said.

Laura said, "Even though there's the possibility of absolutely amazing sex between us..."

"What?" Ben said.

"...we can just ignore it and go about our lives like normal?"

"Absolutely," Maggie said. "Incest is not an irresistible urge."

"It's not?" Laura said.

"Incest is a rational act," Maggie said. "That's the conclusion of our report. We've seen over and over again that people are entering incestuous relationships with clear and level heads. Before incest happens, there's a lot of thought and discussion."

Laura said, "Like the discussion we've been having?"

"Um, no," Maggie said. "At least I don't think so..."

"Dinner's ready!" their mother called out.

The family quickly gathered around the table, visibly grateful for the distraction of food. They sat down and started piling up their plates.

"So, Maggie," Judy said as she passed her a bowl of mashed potatoes. "Have you been keeping busy at the university?"

"Yes, very busy," Maggie said.

"Are you researching all this incest business?" Judy asked.

"I..." Maggie said, startled, looking around the table, the others frozen in shock. "I am."

"What do you make of it?" Judy said.

"I... I'm not sure," Maggie said. "It's certainly something."

Judy said, "But it's so nice, isn't it?"

Maggie said, "Uh, what?"

"To be free to talk about incest!" Judy said. "And do incest if you want to! I never imagined it would happen. Why did it seem so impossible? What were we so afraid of? What did we think would happen?"

"A complete disaster?" Ben said.

"But now we know that isn't true," Judy said. "Now we know something spectacular can happen. And everybody knows the rules now--absolute consent, adults only, no breeding. Just be chill and talk about, it doesn't have to be weird."

"But..." Maggie said.

"I remember when I was looking for my first apartment with the help of my dad," Judy said wistfully. "And it sort of felt like we were looking for our apartment, for just the two us, a little place where we could spend time together. I wish I could have told him that he could come over any time, and we could do anything we wanted..."

"Grandpa?" Laura said, eyes wide.

"Honey," Judy said to Doug. "When you were in college, and you were roommates with your sister for a while, do you wish you could have talked to her about sex?"

Doug gave a shrug and said, "Maybe it would have cut the tension."

"Aunt Mary?" Laura said.

"In your research," Judy said to Maggie, "did you come across anyone who was asked by a family member to try incest, and they declined?"

"Yes, actually," Maggie said. "This happened to a number of people."

"And how did they react?" Judy said.

"They seemed surprisingly cool with it," Maggie said.

"Yes," Judy said emphatically. "People are cool with incest now. There's no need to freak out. Nothing is going to be ruined. There will be no regrets. Just be cool. So perfect. What a time to be alive. You guys have it so much easier now."

"Uh, easy?" Ben said.

"Bro, so easy," Laura said.

"But why is it easy?" Maggie said. "We still don't know how this happened."

"What if humanity has always been at the edge of incest?" Judy said. "What if all we needed was a little push?"

"Do you think someone is behind this?" Maggie said.

"I could see fetishists wanting to normalize incest," Judy said. "But maybe it was spontaneous. All the pieces suddenly coming together, our eyes opening to the possibilities. Incest is kind of simple, when you think about it. Love is love. Fuckable is fuckable. Transgression is exciting. Why not give it a try?"

"Mom, are you saying...?" Ben said.

"What are you saying, Mom?" Maggie said.

Laura said, "I think she's saying we'll be doing some incest tonight."

Ben sighed and said, "I knew this would happen."

"Duh," Laura said.

"I suppose it was inevitable," Maggie said.

Doug said, "And I, of course, had hoped all along that tonight would turn out this way. So, if we're pairing up..."

"Are we choosing now?" Ben said.

"There's five of us, a little awkward for pairs," Laura said.

"Would threesomes be too much?" Doug said.

"We can rotate over the course of the night," Ben said. "Should we make a chart?"

Laura said, "An orgy would be a lot simpler."

"This is crazy," Maggie muttered to herself. "I didn't come here to have sex with my family. But now... it makes so much sense! Of course incest has become so popular. It's always been there, under the surface, in everybody's lives. All we needed was a little encouragement to make it happen. And if it's true that this will be the best sex I've ever had..."

"So we could start with an orgy," Laura was saying.

"Right," Doug said.

"Or end with an orgy," Laura said.

"Sure," Ben said.

"And we have all night," Doug said. "We'll figure it out."

Maggie suddenly said, "Unless one of you makes me cum soon I will lose my fucking mind!"

"Oh, sister, same," Laura said.

"Heck yeah," Ben said.

"It'll happen, baby, soon enough," Doug said.

"Orgy?" Laura said.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Judy said. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We have a Christmas dinner to finish, the food is getting cold."

"Awww," the chorus sounded around the table.

"Then we have to wash dishes," Judy said. "Then we'll open presents..."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Aw, man!"

"Unbelievable!"

"This is torture!"

"Christmas is so lame!"

"Okay, guys, settle down," Judy said. "Fine, we'll do incest after dinner. And I'll tell you what--how about I show you my tits while we eat?"

"Yay, Mom!!!"