Cougars are amazing because the have zero expectation. They've already dealt with a ton of assholes just like you throughout they're lonely, asshole filled lives, and now that they're a little bit older and a little bit wiser, they realize that their false idea of what a relationship is supposed to be and their unreal expectations of what men can do for them is what has lead to their disappointment in companionship, not the other way around.
Knowing this, in order to pick up a cougar all you need is a few cans of beer, some cigarettes, a joint that's been in a refrigerator for a few days and a bus token...
It's a Thursday.
I wake up, take a shower and head to work early.
Today is The Office's 20th anniversary and we've got to prepare to entertain seven hundred people.
Thursdays are always good days to throw parties because when you wake up feeling like shit on Friday, its "technically" the weekend so you can still go out and party as soon as the clock strikes 5:00 PM.
Three co-workers and I load up the freight elevator with fifty cases of beer, a few cases of Vodka, half a dozen cases of wine, and bottles of everything from Jäger to Peppermint Schnapps. We fully stock two separate bars, place some cigarettes in wine glasses, show around two hot bartenders, order some food to be catered and show the band where to set up.
We're good to go.
People begin to turn up around 4:30 PM.
I get my drinking underway by 4:45 PM.
I'm stylishly drunk by 5:15 PM.
The early crowd consists of mostly industry people that are stopping in for a quick drink before going out for dinner or heading home.
The losers as I like to call them.
Anyway, five hours of unhealthy drinking passes as the professional crowd thins out and the wolves start to pile in. By 11:00 PM there are so many people in The Office that it's almost impossible to walk. The band is killing it and the head count is hovering around our expected seven hundred.
I'm beyond smashed, roaming around the party asking chicks "did you just grab my ass?" hoping it will double as a pick up line as wellas a chauvinistic pig of a remark, when out of my peripherals I spot an older woman dancing on a chair.
I figure she's got to be in her late 30's.
Not too old, but old enough...
For anal.
As I scope out The Cougar I'm convinced that on any other given Thursday she would be rocking out to "Shout to the Heart" crushing beer cans on her forehead asking men to pull her finger but at the moment she seems very mellow and extremely feminine as she erotically sways her hips to the melodic sound of the band, while she towers above the crowd on her own private pedestal.
I approach The Cougar, motion for her to bend down and say, "Can I get you another beer?"
She says, "yes please" while wearing a seductive smile.
I come back with her drink, put my arm around her waist and gaze up at her like I have something important to say. She bends down to listen and as she exposes her neck to me, I exhale slowly and heavily on it, give her a passionate kiss, then stick my tongue in her ear. I feel her body cover in goose bumps, so I turn her face to mine and begin making out with her. After a brief tongue wrestling session, I propose leaving to go somewhere "a little more comfortable."
We waste no time grabbing our jackets.
She rushes me downstairs into a cab and suggests we go back to her place, which, in all fairness, is probably a lot more comfortable then the dumpster I had planned on taking her behind.
During the trip to her place there is some heavy petting accompanied by even heavier breathing (I think she might have been asthmatic) until we finally arrive at her lair which is located in student housing...
