How to Be a Damsel-in-Distress

(It shouldn't need to be stated that this isn't a serious piece but, tragically, in the modern world there are people who find it difficult to separate the serious from the flippant. They then get angry, misconstruing a less than serious piece for something intended to be a meaningful life guide or some such. Therefore, to avoid unwarranted accusations of misogyny or just stupidity, I will state this here and now; this piece is not meant to be taken seriously.)

*****

Introduction

So, here we all are in the 21st Century; an age in which, happily, women in the world are increasingly taking an equal place in society. Women, at least in the developed world, have far greater access to education, healthcare and the finance needed to start their own business or buy a place to live. Women also have a voice that is finally being taken seriously, with an increasing disgust amongst reasonable individuals the world over towards those who would deprive women of equal rights. This is all good.

However, in one area we are reminded that it isn't so long since we swung down from the trees; pairing up and finding our mate. There are many different strategies available to the modern woman, and I urge women to explore the variety of options open to them. For example, many men would be ecstatic if a woman came up to them and made the first move (seriously, ladies, you enjoy the flattery of a nice looking guy taking the time to try to get to know you, so why do you think it would be any different for a guy?).

But it pains me to note that in one way the modern woman is regressing; that of playing the Damsel-in-Distress. This strategy, which is probably as old as human civilization itself, enables a woman to discover which potential mate has the variety of skills, both practical and emotional, to satisfy her needs. Furthermore, it also flatters the male, who has an opportunity to display his chivalrous tendencies and be the thing he desires more than any other; the hero. Let me explain, before the outraged howls of emancipated womanhood drown me out.

Firstly, the emotional; the modern woman doesn't want to be ignored any more than her great-grandmother did. The 'Damsel-in-Distress' strategy enables a woman to find out which men might be receptive to her needs; ten guys go walking past, head in the clouds, but the true knight in shining armour would never, never ignore the Damsel. He stops, he helps, he invites the Damsel for a coffee, and a beautiful romance is born (whether it is long term or merely one night is immaterial). And so the modern woman finds out which potential mate will pay attention to her needs and will (possibly) continue to do so. Provided there isn't any sport on the television.

Secondly, the practical; it is a fact of life that you can't do everything. Take Mrs Gunnlaug, an academic, a whizz in the kitchen, a world traveller who speaks five languages to a greater or lesser extent (mostly greater). But she can't deal with insects or change the flint in her zippo. Then take your humble author, Gunnlaug. Not an academic, a dunce in the kitchen and in the lecture hall, and a man who says 'chips' loudly in several different countries*. But he

can

deal with insects and is a whizz with power tools. Different, complimentary skills, and together the Gunnlaugs face nothing they can't deal with. And when Mrs Gunnlaug wants a nasty S-word** dealt with, she uses the 'Damsel-in-Distress' play, and lo! It is disposed of (humanely, I might add).

So, in a bid to halt the decline of this handy and worthwhile weapon in the female armoury, I present my handy cut-out-and-keep guide to being a Damsel-in-Distress (a scratch'n'sniff version will follow once the boffins at Literotica sort out the minor technical hitches).

*Chips (British English) = 'fries' (US English). The British are well known for their inability to speak any language (including their own). This black hole of ability most obviously demonstrates itself in bars across the Mediterranean in the summer months as groups of young Brits try desperately to acquire food by increasingly loudly repeating the word 'chips' as if it were some kind of strange religious chant to uncomprehending bar-staff (who, one suspects, actually understand perfectly well but wish to make a point). Finally they usually give up and revert to that ancient language, 'pointing'.

**The S-word is one I will not repeat for fear of unleashing its terrible potency. However, for those readers unable to guess what it is, let me just state that the S-word has eight legs, eight eyes and is more frightened of you than you are of it. Unless it is Australian, in which case it goes around in gangs carrying big sticks ready to ambush the unwary.

Part One: Be a Damsel

It may seem ridiculous to state, gentle reader, but for the Damsel-in-Distress play to work the modern woman needs to actually be a Damsel. It's no good being totally competent, and dressed literally to kill like the Terminator. The 'Damsel-in-Distress' play works from a position of

perceived

weakness. That this weakness need not be real does not detract from the essential condition necessary to facilitate success.

Attire

In so many ways the developed world has moved on from the days when women had to suffer physical pain just from wearing clothes. It cannot be over-stated how much of a good thing this is. In fact, it is such a good thing that I will state it again; this is a

good thing

. But (there's always a 'but'), the modern woman considering a 'Damsel-in-Distress' routine needs to choose carefully from the variety of clothing options available to her.

I applaud the willingness of modern woman to wear lace-up, hobnailed bovver boots, ripped up combat trousers and a sleeveless top which reveals both her sculpted musculature and her 'Kill them all and let God sort them out' tattoo. But do I think she needs rescuing from dread peril? Hardly, and of course, thus dressed she still may need to have a hardy and bold knight to dispose of e.g. the S-word. She just doesn't look like she needs rescuing and what we are aiming to create is an

illusion

of weakness for the purpose of identifying a knight-in-shining-armour (or prince-on-a-white-charger).

For a successful 'Damsel-in-Distress' play today's woman needs to think about some different factors; attracting the right knight-in-shining-armour, discouraging the wrong sort of knight, and conveying a level of vulnerability. Of course, much depends on who the right sort of knight-in-shining-armour might be, and it is to this we must turn our attention.

Happily we don't all like the same thing and for the aspiring Damsel-in-Distress the knight-in-shining-armour may come in many different shapes, sizes, ages, colours and styles. The modern woman will generally have a fair idea of what she wants her particular 'saviour' to look like and the right outfit will maximise the chances of the correct knight happening along to save the Damsel. To illustrate; Mandy has had her eye on one particular prospective knight, James, who is a skater/slacker type. She prepares every detail for the play to come but makes a fatal error; she dresses conservatively, thus encouraging only conservative type males to try to help her in her distress. James, on the other hand, skates past without even noticing her. Fail (although we have noticed that sometimes Mandy may find that she actually prefers one of the conservative types who comes to her aid. It's a funny old world).

Of course, for the modern woman who isn't so discriminating the ideal is to play it relatively safe. A glimpse of leg and a hint of cleavage will work wonders in most situations. Whereas the aforementioned bovver boots and tattoos possibly won't unless a knight with such desires happens along, and it must be said that most men don't find that look so appealing. But be careful; going overboard on a girly-girl look may be off-putting as well unless you want to find yourself with someone who really does think that woman are dumb and need to have even the simplest things explained to them in words of one syllable or less.

Health and fitness

Although we have made many strides in the past fifty years in one area we have regressed; as opportunities have expanded so have waistlines. The Damsel-in-Distress should consider keeping in shape (though it need not be to a fanatical extent) as, let's face it, fat is not so desirable for the mass of knights out there. You may be a Damsel on the large side and you may rage against the unfairness of this but consider, you find certain things attractive, and these things don't come from your conscious, modern, egalitarian front-brain, do they? No, they are hotwired into your animalistic hindbrain and are outside your control. Think it's any different for the male of the species?

So, you might be after a Jason Momoa lookey-likey and disdainful of the majority of Mr Bean (thin and ugly) or Ricky Gervais (errr... 'cuddly') types you come across. For the majority of knights this is as unfair as you find the perceived modern male fixation on slim women with big tits. Of course, both fixations ignore such important factors as personality*, intellect, GSOH, earning power, and all the other factors that make for a committed, long-lasting relationship.

But we are discussing initial attraction, and your chances can be positively enhanced by an air of health. This doesn't mean the ability to bench-press a couple of hundred pounds. But it does mean being able to walk up a flight of stairs without having to stop for a smoke and a three-course picnic halfway up. This may seem unfair, but then, who ever said life was fair? It isn't, and the modern Damsel-in-Distress should remember that it's a jungle out there and there are a million other Damsels seeking out that special knight. You have to compete and the devil take the hindmost.

*Isn't that the worst insult; 'she/he's got such a great personality'? It's been said about your humble author more than once and has driven him to distraction. Still, if he had ever gone to the gym and added something to his ten-stone-nothing frame it might have been different. Not that it would have done anything for his face...

Think before you ink

Now, I'll be honest here and state that this section is coloured by your author's intense dislike of tattoos on women. It isn't a very 21st Century view, but there you go: I just don't like tattoos on women*. After all, you've got such great skin, why spoil it?

However, modern women have the right to have tattoos and I will always uphold that right, even if I dislike the results. But for the purposes of the 'Damsel-in-Distress' scenario we must examine the influence of tattoos on successful outcomes. Now, there are tattoos and tattoos. Should a Damsel want her knight to be a tattoo-loving fanatic then, obviously, maximum ink is a positive attraction. However, for those women who have a wider target group in mind it should be noted that a small butterfly tattoo on the shoulder is one thing. A dotted line tattoo with 'Cut here' around the neck, or 'love' and 'hate' across the knuckles is something else entirely. It will disturb the majority of knights. They will worry that you are part of a gang, or that you indulge in football violence. Be advised.

*To be fair, I don't like tattoos on men, either. I am an equal opportunities disliker of tattoos.

Firearms

A special note on firearms; no-one ever accused Lara Croft of being a Damsel-in-Distress. Partly this is due to her ability to split villains' heads like over-ripe melons, but mostly this is due to her packing a pair of Glocks, or Sig Sauers, or whatever her big scary guns are*. Further, and again from a European perspective, seeing a woman with a Smith and Wesson strapped to her hip appealing for help would have me walking (fuck it, sprinting!) in the opposite direction as fast as my straw-like legs can carry me (and though thin, I'm tall, so my legs can cover a lot of ground at great speed). So, if you are a gun-nut but you want to get that special knight to rescue you, apply for a concealed carry permit or just leave the death-dealing implement at home for once.

*Being European, I know this much about guns; they have a 'holdy' end for one's hand, and a 'barrely' end where the fast bits of metal come out. Frankly, I'm more at home with swords.

Part Two: Be in Distress

You are a Damsel. You are dressed to (not literally) kill. You need a scenario that will enable you to be rescued. But let's not go overboard here; real peril really isn't something that you want to expose yourself to and with good reason. After all, there is no absolute guarantee that you will be rescued, and in a situation of real distress the absence of rescue could have incalculable results (and very, very few of those results would be positive).

In the past there were traditional perils that a Damsel-in-Distress could face but these have largely disappeared in our more technologically advanced, egalitarian world. Of dragons, we have no more. Wicked uncles are in short supply for the prospective Damsel-in-Distress. There are very few towers left to be locked in and allow your hair to grow forming a handy rope for the knight to climb. Therefore the modern woman needs to consider adapting herself to her environment.

So, for your edification, I have taken the time to list some safe scenarios where the worst that could happen is that you have to rescue yourself from something that isn't going to cause you any great discomfort. And the best that can happen? Why, you will meet the best of all possible knights-in-shining-armour.

NB. If you find yourself in genuine distress don't be sniffy about your rescuer. If that man or woman has risked life and limb to pull you from a burning building, or haul you out of the raging sea suggesting that the authorities could have sent someone better looking is very bad form. In fact, if it is me who is saving you (unlikely, admittedly, what with me not being a fireman or a member of the Air/Sea Rescue service) and I hear something like that, why, I'll push you right back in!

The Bag

Studies* have shown that about one-in-twenty men is a knight-in-shining-armour at any given point in time. This needs clarification; some men are always knights, but they are few. Most men fluctuate in their knightly state depending on several factors, only one of which (and the least important, generally) being whether they find the Damsel-in-Distress attractive**.

The Bag is a particularly useful scenario in that it can be used in busy locations with a high footfall. This is important as it maximises the possibility of meeting that special knight who might be more difficult to find in less populated areas. And a secondary advantage is that should the prospective knight turn out to be a creep there are plenty of people around to discourage him from taking liberties.

Anyway, the Bag scenario involves the Damsel-in-Distress struggling with a heavy bag, at which point the knight-in-shining-armour relieves her of her burden, carrying the bag to the correct location. The Bag scenario offers an opportunity for the knight to make charming conversation, the Damsel to respond appropriately, and a coquettish expression of gratitude at the end of the play. And, hopefully, an exchange of contact details or even an invitation for a coffee.

The best location for the successful Bag scenario is a city centre railway station or metro station. But don't be tempted by an airport; there are plenty of other potential Damsels struggling with heavy bags, there are trolleys available and any intelligent knight will regard a struggling Damsel as an idiot for not using one, and anyway, what is the knight doing at the airport? Catching a plane to who knows where which is potentially where he lives. Do you want a long-distance relationship? Not if you are wise.

A last note on the Bag scenario; don't pick a bag which is too heavy, otherwise your knight will spending his time concentrating on not dropping it. And what's worse, you might give him a hernia and that really doesn't encourage flirtation. Nevertheless, the Bag scenario has been proved to be an excellent means to effect an introduction to the knight of your choice. It is almost infallible, and also gives you the opportunity to reject help from an unwanted knight with the high probability that a more suitable saviour will appear at any moment.

NB. In countries where bars do not regularly employ waiters and the patron must carry their own drink the Bag can be substituted for the Drink. Simply buy three drinks and look confused as to how you can transport said drinks to your table and a knight will appear to solve your problem. And you can invite him to sit at your table and engage in conversation once the rescue has been achieved. Trust me, it's a winner.

*Well, me sitting on the Warsaw Metro in the morning, actually.

**Other factors include; caffeine level, whether their team won yesterday, whether their boss has been shouting at them and the sheer number of potential Damsels-in-Distress in the same place at the same time; more than three indicates a change of location to ensure a successful play.

Help me, I'm lost

Serious science has indicated that the modern multi-tasking woman is still a dunce at one thing; reading a map. Seriously, how hard is it? Mind you, most men don't have a clue how to work the washing machine, so I guess honours are even. However, the knowledge that women read maps in the same way that men empathise allows the wise Damsel-in-Distress to plan a very interesting scenario.

It doesn't matter if you know exactly where you are, where you are going, and precisely how to get there, the Help Me, I'm Lost scenario can ensure an introduction to the handsome rescuer of your choice. Simply carry a map and look confused. A knight will inevitably offer their assistance and, rather like with the Bag, the Damsel-in-Distress has an opportunity to assess their rescuer and accept or reject their assistance.

However, the Help Me, I'm Lost scenario adds another dimension; asking for assistance from a likely looking knight. Let me explain. With the Bag scenario, asking a handsome stranger to carry your kitchen sink (seriously, ladies, what the hell do you put in your suitcases?!) is an imposition. Not so when asking for directions, and the knight also has an opportunity to demonstrate his knowledge, a thing he desires greatly.

The Help Me, I'm Lost scenario also has much wider geographical possibilities. With the Bag most knights will baulk at carrying a suitcase two miles to the railway station, but the Help Me, I'm Lost scenario can be utilised in almost any populated location. There is a downside, however, and that is the relatively shorter interaction. Therefore the Damsel-in-Distress needs to ensure that the introductory flirtation starts immediately or the knight will have disappeared in a moment, having dispensed his local knowledge.

The Flat Tyre

This is an advanced level Damsel-in-Distress scenario which requires careful planning to ensure success and has many factors that can result in failure. Firstly, location. It is no good trying this scenario by the side of a busy highway (the knight simply isn't allowed to stop), or on a quiet country road (either there won't be any prospective knights, or the ones that stop could be very creepy indeed). So a busy, populated location is desirable. But again, a city street may not be the best location either, unless your preference is for a policeman to be your knight-in-shining-armour.

In fact, studies have shown that the best location for the Flat Tyre scenario is in a car park at a shopping mall (shopping centre in Europe). There are plenty of people around to call on for assistance, and these people also discourage the creeps out there. Further, simply being at a shopping mall indicates that the knight is likely to have some financial status*.