Hotel Californication

I wanted to impress her so badly I dropped a thousand bucks on a room for a weekend of sexual exploits at this fancy-schmansy, ultra-exclusive hotel in Saratoga Springs, NY -- the "Summer Playground of the Rich and Famous." It was the most exquisite room I could find -- within my budget -- for what turned out to be one of the most unforgettable weekends of dirty, nasty sex I'd ever had -- one that made us famous ...well, kind of.

We checked in at 3, hit the bar at 4, started chatting up some people, basically having fun, flirting with people, especially older couples, making up stories, and laying on bullshit after bullshit, because we were an attractive couple at this fancy (but boring) place, so everyone immediately thought we were, "somebody." She was as good at laying it on as I was, even better. We told one couple we were in town on business, and another we were shooting a movie. The drunker we got, that evolved into us being in town to shoot a PORN movie -- which, if we actually had a camera, wouldn't have been too far from the truth.

We eventually zeroed-in, and hit on, the Hostess -- a young college chick, about 18 or 19, perfect shape, sexy as shit in her little hotel get-up -- trying to get her to come back to our room with us. She was into it, but the asshole gay bartender kept telling her she shouldn't, because she didn't "know" us.

Fuck that. I hate when people try to talk other people out of doing fun shit, especially sexually fun shit -- I mean seriously, there's nothing wrong with sex or experimentation -- or sexperimentation, for that matter, as I like to call it. Have fun, people! You only live once. I bet if we'd asked HIM back to our room, he'd have been all over MY shit in a second. Anyway, I'll get back to her...

We retired to our room about 9, did a little blow and made out just long enough to get her wet. Then the games began... We started with fresh strawberries. I'd insert them into her pussy, get them nice and wet, and then we'd share them. We quickly went through the two pints, and soon I was just eating pussy, not strawberries -- though it tasted a lot like strawberries at that point.

She was purposely loud. Going into it, our plan was to rock the fuck out of that hotel -- the other guests were all so pretentious, we decided it'd be fun to make them ALL uncomfortable. So she moaned and screamed as loud as she could, every chance she got. I'd bite her clit, and she'd howl. I'd thrust one or two fingers in and out of her pussy as I licked it, and she'd moan loudly, banging the wall with her fist.

When we finally got around to actual fucking, we fucked every which way, and everywhere -- I slammed her against the door and hit her from behind, then we moved to the window, curtains open, overlooking the bustling streets below -- and yes, people were looking up! We were moaning and howling, banging the bed against the wall, pounding fists on the wall, just raising total sexual chaos.

Finally, about 30 minutes into it, the phone started ringing. I ripped it out the wall and tied her hands behind her with the chord! We knew it was the front desk calling, someone HAD to have complained by now. Hands tie behind her back, she kneeled on the floor, I grabbed her hair and forcefully jerked my cock off with her mouth -- in and out, in and out. She'd pause for a second to gag loudly and spit up, and then -- wham! -- right back to it.

Bang, bang, bang -- someone was at the door. She started laughing hysterically, "Tell them to come in!"

"Come in!" she kept yelling -- I could hear the doorknob twisting and turning, but it was locked. I was having fun and all, but I didn't really want whoever it was just walking in on us, so I picked her panties up off the floor and stuffed them in her mouth -- to get her to stop suggesting it -- but she continued to yell a muffled, "Come in!"

Finally, since the pounding was letting up, I walked to the door, naked and swung it open. It was the front desk guy -- and a group of other guests scattered about the hall behind him. They all looked my naked body up and down real quick, then he said, "Sir, we've had some complaints, if you could just keep it down..."

"Sure thing," I said, and slammed the door in his face before he could say anything else.

But we went right back to fucking and sucking and banging and moaning and howling ...and just totally tore that room up! Finally, about 2AM, another knock at the door -- I figured by now it was the Police, but no, it was the Hostess from the bar with a bottle of rum.

"I just wanted to bring you guys this gift..."

Bullshit, honey, we know what you're here for. I invited her in, and before I could ever pour the rum, the two girls had already did some bumps of coke and were going at it on the bed. The Hostess's clothes were already off, and they were making out something fierce -- kissing each other up and down, sucking on titties, licking pussies, finger-banging one another. I just stood and watched, in awe, drinking the rum, stroking myself -- getting harder and harder in the process.

I was ready to jump in -- but wait, there was another knock at the door. Ok, this has GOT to be the cops, I figured. I peeked through the peephole -- no, it was the gay bartender this time.

"Tina!" (Not her real name, the fuck if I even remember what her name was), he yelled, "I know you're in there, you gotta get out of there."

"Fuck you!" I yelled back through the door, "Go away, there's no Tina here."

"Sir, you need to let me in!" -- and he continued to bang.

And the girls continued to bang -- at this point, scissoring on the bed, banging their pussies together. I figured I better jump in quick before the gay guy succeeds at getting this chick out of here, so I ran to the bed, and shoved my cock in her mouth while they continued to pound each other's pussies together.

I switched back and forth between the two -- one sucking it, then the other -- gay dude still banging on the door and yelling whatever in the background. By this point, we couldn't even hear him, the sucking and fucking and moaning sounds on our side of the room drowned him out.

Finally both girls, laid over the bed next to each other and I fucked them both from behind, shoving my cock in one, pulling it out, then shoving it in the other, while they continued making out.

Gay dude still banging and yelling whatever shit in the background, I picked up the pace -- three or four times in and out of one, then the other, and back. Finally I was ready to cum. I tapped them both on theirs asses, they turned, but before I could blow my load on their faces -- which was the Master Plan -- it kind of came out too soon, and exploded all over the hostess's titties.

Without hesitation, my girl immediately started licking it off her chest. She'd lick some up, then kiss the hostess, then go back down for more. As they cum-swapped, I continued to pump whatever cum was left in me out of my cock and they took turns sucking it off. It was absolute bliss...

WHAM! The door swung open.

The three of us turned to look -- it was an older woman, in a suit, apparently the hotel manager. She stood there, in shock. The room trashed. Me with my dick in my hand, her Hostess licking it, while my girl was licking cum off her tits. There were half-eaten strawberries everywhere, phone ripped out of the wall, cord strung about, all the pictures on the wall crooked, blinds torn to shreds, TV on the floor (I don't remember why), clothes everywhere, whatever was left of an 8-ball of coke on the nightstand -- and the whole place probably wreaked of alcohol, sweat, jizz, pussy, ass and balls...

"WHA-- you people need to leave this hotel immediately! The police have been called!" she yelled. I can't imagine what she was thinking.

Behind her, in the doorway, the gay bartender and some other guests were all trying to peek in to see what was going on. I didn't know what to say, none of us did -- so instead, I just stood there, raised my fists in the air, gyrated my hips, helicoptered my cock and yelled, "Wooooooooo!"

The manager hovered as we got our shit and got the fuck out of there as fast as we could -- out the door, down the stairs and out to the car, no shoes, half naked -- and we were gone.

As we exited the parking lot, I saw a cop car at entrance. Phew, just in time.

Drinks at the Bar: $80

Room + Damages: $1,500

Experience: PRICELESS

A few months later, just for a gag, we decided to call and book a room there again -- just to see if we could -- but sure enough, as we expected, we'd been BLACKLISTED.

The reservationist was like, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't rent you a room here."

A few YEARS later, I tried again, still NO.

I wonder though, whatever happened to that hot, little hostess, whatever her name was. What a delicious piece of filth she turned out to be -- and WHAT A WEEKEND that was. Definitely one for the books; the dirty books, that is.

--P.