Following the orders of my boss, Hmm, the head of the British Secret Service, I had booked into the luxury golfing resort owned by some rich American TV personality.
In the morning I had watched as my German quarry placed a towel on a recliner by the pool. I had just finished a long drink, lying on it, when he returned.
His eyes were angry, but his voice was polite.
"Excuse me sir, but that is my place. It had my towel on it."
"So what?" I replied unconcerned. "It's bums that count."
"Indeed, they do. They count for a lot for me. In fact, few people appreciate them more than me. My name is Holefinger. Perhaps you have heard of me?"
He held up his hand with unusually long fingers.
"Sorry, no."
"Surely, Agent 006.9, your boss Hmm has briefed you better than that?"
I had disguised myself as a balding Scotsman with a toupee, and a tendency to say 's' as 'sh'. What had given me away?
Before I could answer, a big hand was placed over my mouth, and I was lifted easily off the recliner, by a massive oriental. I thought in vain of the clever gadgets in my case which had been provided by Kew. The Royal Botanic Gardens were an excellent cover for the supply of hi-tech to secret agents.
"I think you need a massage, Mr Bond. My servant Oddknob is fully qualified masseur, and will give you what you so desperately need."
I was taken back to his private suite and placed on a massage table, completely naked.
I tensed and resisted, but it was no good. All the stress was eased out of me. I was utterly relaxed and just too limp to resist. That was when I said it.
"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No, no, Mr Bond! I expect you to come!"
A man was going to toss me off!
"Not like that! Never!"
"For pity's sake!" I begged. "Let it be a woman!"
He smiled, and the door opened to reveal my boss's secretary, Miss Funnyfanny! I had fucked her so often, and laughed each time she joked we should get married. Why had she betrayed me?
"Sorry, James," she said, with a big smile. "You just wouldn't give me what I wanted. Now you're going to get what you deserve!"
While I was trying to understand this, Holefinger spoke.
"I will give you one chance, Mr Bond. If you answer the question correctly, I will let you go. What is Miss Funnyfanny's first name."
I hesitated. She must have one.
"You have fucked her, perhaps a hundred times. Yet you have never shown commitment and you have never given her an orgasm."
I couldn't suppress a chuckle.
"British women don't want orgasms!"
"Maybe, but I'm not British. I'm American -- a CIA agent!"
So that explained her spelling mistakes!
"It really saves a lot of trouble for both intelligence agencies," she added.
"Now what's my name?"
"It's a state secret," I said.
"It's on the door," she said.
I had to give up.
"Sorry, old girl. Don't know. Now Holefinger, old chap. I have had a couple of drinks so I do need to go to the toilet for a Jimmy Riddle. Sorry to be such a pain in the arse, but it's getting quite urgent."
That seemed to set him off.
"One good thing about the British, they don't say 'ass' like the Americans. And with your sloppy s's you almost get it right, the German way."
He paused and then spoke almost dreamily.
"Arsch! Such a perfect word. The r for rrroundness, and for farrrt, or as we say, Furz. Furz! The sh for shit, or even better, Scheisse! A beautiful word for such a beautiful thing!"
"Oddjob, send for Miss Galore, and turn him over."
The massive servant pressed a button then did something with the table and turned me. My cock and balls dangled down through a hole as I was comfortably restrained and my shoulders gently massaged.
A very fit looking older woman dressed in leather entered.
"Mr Bond, meet Pissy Galore. She has the same fascination for piss as I have for the arse, as you will find out."
She dived under the table and I felt a hand on my cock, then lips.
"Don't suck me off now! I need a pee!" I called.
The lips left my knob, and a voice from under the table said "I won't. I'm the toilet you requested," then my knob was enclosed again.
Oddknob pressed me down, and I had no option but to release. I was sorry to admit it, but it was good!
When I was finished, she sucked and massaged to get the last drops, and I started to be hopeful.
However, she came out from under the table, her face and hair still immaculate. Undoing some zips, she was quickly out of her leathers. Oddknob turned me over, restrained me again, and undid a couple of knots in my muscles which were beginning to develop.
Pissy leapt lightly onto the table, and peed all over me!
"Always nice to have a new one, Mr Holefinger," she said, as Oddknob towelled me off. She picked up her leathers and departed.
Holefinger spoke as Oddknob gave me an anal douche.