Burnt Offerings

In this world today there exists men that work hard earning as much money as they can to support themselves, their Ex, and still have enough left over to make the child support payments on a monthly basis. Weekdays find these men working double shifts and cleaning their small apartments in anticipation of the two days of the week that set them apart from their brethren. They come from every walk of life, from garbage men to bookies to Green Berets. These are no ordinary men, folks. They'll forgo a night at the ballpark, a date with the new office clerk, or cards at Moe's all in the name of being a weekend Dad.

Are you one of those weekend warriors?

I'm not.

I mean, I do get my kid on the weekends, but who says I have to put my entire life on hold? Sure I work two jobs during the week to meet my monetary obligations, but my free time is precious and sharing it with my child is important, but not all consuming. That's what they invented TV and Playstation for. One thing I found was that nutrition is a big part of raising your child, but it can take up most of your day. You need eggs and fish and beef and green vegetables not to mention fruit and potatoes and rice, which constitutes only a small portion of the food needed to provide balanced nutrition for your child.

Our brand of weekend warrior doesn't have time for making three squares a day. Leave that for the Ex. She has plenty of time for that when she's not cashing the alimony check.

What our type of weekend warriors needs is a simple guide to nutrition that insures quick and easy meals thus freeing up as much time as possible for fun with our kids as well as that new office clerk.

Folks, I've raised four kids from toddlers to teens as a weekend Dad. Through trial and error I've managed to come up with the best and the worst we warriors can dish out. So if you find yourself in the same predicament and really want to get in on that game at Moe's, I'm here to help.

SAFETY:

Now before we begin, we should talk about safety in the kitchen. Time after time, catastrophe nearly struck as I was unprepared for what should have been foreseeable.

*If you have wee toddlers, never leave a pot handle hanging over the edge of a stove. They go for it as soon as you turn your head. Put a child lock on the oven door, for obvious reasons, and always keep your cup of beer away from their cup of juice.

*For fire safety, I suggest a 200lb. CO2 canister loaded on a hand truck. It's mobile and you won't have to fill it after every use. It's great for the kitchen as well as any outdoor grilling debacle.

*Make sure the Poison Control Center number is written in large numbers on the wall by the phone for those occasions when your contacts are out and the kid finds your cup of beer.

*Use microwave safe plastic plates and bowls so when junior's or little miss's meal winds up on the wall, there's no need for searching for errant shards of glass or pottery that most certainly will become imbedded in the bottom of your foot by Wednesday.

*If the toddler is still using a high chair, make sure they're securely seated in it. You don't want them slipping free and drinking your beer while you're on the phone with the office clerk. If that occurs, see the step above and buy extra duct tape to hold them in the chair the next time.

*Always make sure...

...No really, duct tape works great...

*Always make sure that all foods are either precooked or served fresh. You don't have time nor want a round of midnight purging.

*Don't feed the dog with the kid standing there. If I have to explain this one, get rid of the dog.

INFANTS:

First of all, if your weekend is being tied up with a newborn, I can't help you and neither can anybody else. Your mother might be able to, but if you're that much of a putz to split with a girl with a tiny baby, Mom's not talking to you anyway. You don't have to worry about the new office clerk either because she's not going out on a date with you while your arms are tied up all night rocking the kid. Forget Moe's because their not holding up the game for you to burp the kid, and it's tough changing little ones in a stadium bathroom with guys puking all around you. As far as feeding them, I suggest you buy a book, see a pediatrician, or take hormone shots to lactate.

TODDLERS:

These kids are a hoot, aren't they? They'll do anything for you just because they can. They'll draw on the wall, take dumps in the closet, and repeatedly dial 911 because mommy taught them how. They'll also eat anything you give them as long as they like it. If not, make sure there's lots of Pine Sol and Bounty towels to go around and remember, plastic, plastic, plastic!

*Breakfast*

This can be quick and easy. While watching ESPN's 'Sportscenter', a dry bowl of any kid's cereal will do, but you may want to steer clear of Kix or Trix. They tend to roll under the fridge and kill the compressor. A cup of milk or juice is an easy clean up with a fresh roll of paper towels. (Remember to lift the legs of the table. A few spills and they are permanently glued to the floor.)

In summer, junior or little miss are easy to clean outside with a hose and nozzle. Keep a bathtub half full of water ready during the rest of the year.

*Lunch*

It couldn't be any easier with 'Chef Boy-Ar-Dee' or 'Franco American' out there making their tomato sauce based meals in a can. While the early college games are on, the kid can have a field day chomping down on these soft morsels. Clean up isn't as easy since spaghetti sauce tends to stain kids hands and faces. You'll either need to use the hose for a longer period of time or let them soak in the tub. Wait till halftime.

*Snack Time*

Cookies! No, I don't mean stupid ones like animal crackers. This is your kid! Get them something good! Oreos or Chips Ahoys are great. One to steer clear of is Fig Newtons. They did wonders for your grandmother, but junior/little miss will blow a hole in their Pampers if you give them too many of those.

*Dinner*

This can be easy if you're alone with the kid or difficult if the office clerk is coming over or if Moe's bringing the card game to you.

If the clerk's coming then I suggest some cheese and chilled wine for you and her as the wee one nibbles on some microwave chicken nuggets. When junior/miss toddles off to bed, order from Luigi's and have a quiet candle light dinner.

If Moe's coming with the guys, make enough nuggets to go around and wait till the little one is off before turning on the tube to watch the night game, deal the cards, and break out the nachos and jalapeños.

If it's just you and the kid, I have two words for you; hot dogs. God created these tasty meat by-products just for us weekend Dads. You can serve them to virtually any kid in the USA and they will love you for it. The best part about it is that you don't have to give up any dignity in serving them. There is still many decisions involved in making hot dogs. You have to decide if you're going to boil them, steam them, fry them, bake them, grill them, or nuke them. Then there's the decision about the toppings. There too many for me to list here, but you get the idea.

*(A note for a small percentage of you weekend Dads; if you find yourself too lazy or drunk to cook hot dogs and you and the kid are eating them right out of the package, you're a jerk and have no business having the kid there in the first place.)*

GRADE SCHOOLERS:

*Breakfast*

This meal couldn't be easier. By now they should be able to find and open the box of Cocoa Pebbles, pour milk into a bowl, and let you sleep till the early games start. Clean up is a cinch since the bowls are either plastic or better yet, Dixieware.

*Lunch*

Oscar Mayer has made this meal so simple it's laughable. Just stock up on 'Lunchables'. If you pick the right type, lunch is a snap. All you have to do is point to the fridge and the kid can get his lunch and can grab you a beer at the same time. What could be easier? If you forgot to stop at the grocery store, don't fret, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are always a winner. If problems arise because the kid is being fussy about the type of jelly you have, introduce them to a new food group; Frito-Lay brand products.

*Snack Time*

We just covered it. Fritos, Ruffles and Lay's (Betcha can't eat just one), and a can of soda. Now that's a snack worth remembering!

*Dinner*

Things are much easier now. If you're going to the game to root for your favorite team, the young one can choose from all kinds of culinary delights at the concession stands.

If the evening involves the clerk coming over, I suggest Chinese take out. It might be expensive if everyone is ordering something different, but the kid and the clerk can bond as they struggle to eat fried rice with chopsticks.

If Moe's bringing the card game to your place, I suggest Dominos' $5.00 medium one topping deal and get as many of them as needed without breaking your wallet. That way when the kid isn't getting beers or tipping off the other guy's hand, they can call it in for you and everyone's happy. If all goes well, you'll have won back the price of the pizza and put a jingle in your pocket. Don't forget to add that 2 liter soda with the order.

If you plan on staying home, I suggest live lobsters. Turn on that oven and put in a pan of tater tots. Dust off that old corn pot and get some water boiling! Melt some butter in a bowl in the microwave! Chase those bottom dwellers around on the floor after the kid has set them free until the kid gives them names! Then you can worry about explaining to them why you're eating 'Ren and Stimpy' while they're eating hot dogs.

HIGH SCHOOLERS:

* Breakfast*

By now, things are a little different. Strange words are coming out of their mouths like 'over easy'. If you feel you must indulge them in this culinary buffoonery, try to go all out. Make the coffee as you fry the bacon and hash browns. Start the toast when you fry the eggs. You'll feel like a full fledged weekend warrior when you proudly set that plate down in front of them and they say, "I think I'll pass, Pop, that burrito I ate at midnight isn't sittin' too well."

*Lunch*

If you still need to mess with this meal, you need to speak to your Ex. She's spoiling the kid and they should be making you lunch while you're watching the games.

*Dinner*

If you're lucky, they're going to the mall with their friends and eating at the food court. Simply slipping them a few bucks insures a free evening with the clerk or at Moe's. If the kid's not going out, maybe they have a girlfriend/boyfriend coming over and you need to come up with something to make. Why not invite the clerk as well? At this point, the kid should be old enough to know that Dad needs a little lovin' too. If you have access to a grilling area, I suggest steaks. A grill, some charcoal, four porterhouses and the CO2 canister is all that's needed to make this dinner a snap. Give your kid the keys to your car and send them to the local KFC to pick up a bunch of large sides and then light the charcoal. By now, the clerk should be there and giving you a hand marinating the steaks while you try to catch the tail end of the game. Soon the steaks are on the grill and the game is into double overtime. By the time your team is ready to score in the third overtime, the kids have come back and it's time to use that CO2 canister. A few blasts, a little coughing, and you have a beautiful serving tray of burnt offerings. Hopefully, no one will notice because the kids are too busy doing tonsil checks on each other and the clerk is running her foot up and down your leg. Later, after making another run to KFC for a bucket of chicken to go with the sides, everyone is satisfied.

HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES:

Listen my friends; if you're still cooking for them at this point, you're not my type of weekend warrior. By now, you and the clerk should be on very good terms and the kid should want some private time with their boyfriend/girlfriend. If they've got a job, they should be sitting next to you at the card game at Moe's. Hell, if they're a chip off the ol' block, they'll soon be serving you their versions of burnt offerings.