As I sat on my couch one evening watching that scathing documentary, "Mascara – Beauty Aid or Government Cover-up?", I noticed my dog doing what dogs do. By now, everyone has heard that old saw – "Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they CAN!". While I admired his dexterity, it led me to wonder what if..... it's amazing how many of my 'what ifs' are centered on my crotch .... What if man could do that? So, I did what every red blooded American male does – pulled my hand out of my waistband and went to the computer to Google it.
My research uncovered some of the most amazing, and yes, even disturbing, information possible. Deep within the bowels of the Museum of Science, Industry, and Useless Information in Brussels, I uncovered a 17th century study conducted by a sociologist named Verner VanBinklestein. (Note to self: Never, ever go into the bowels of anything ever again). VanBinklestein had translated some ancient scrolls, long lost in the Babylonian garbage dumps, that may change the way we look at the world forever.
These scrolls put forth the scientific proof that before Adam, before Eve, God had, in fact, created a different model of human being. Think of it as a prototype – God tried out a few variations, tested a few ideas, ran them up the flagpole, so to speak – though I doubt there were many flagpoles in Heaven then. (We know that has changed, because there has to be a place to hang all those Green Bay Packers flags He is so fond of).
God's first model was named Elmer. Elmer was just like Adam, with one small exception: his penis wasn't mounted between his legs, it was on his left shoulder! It was God's opinion that, given the dark and mysterious places Elmer would be sticking that thing, it was best that Elmer be able to see where he is going!
So, there it was, pointing forward, ready for action, and apparent for all to see. Ladies – think how easy it would be to pick a mate! No more studying feet, or fingers, or noses – no more guessing at what prize awaited you, only to find it is a pair of Nike sweat socks. You would know immediately! Feel like a kielbasa tonight? Call Eric! Maybe a Vienna sausage is more to your taste? Call Alvin. A redwood log? Call Daniel – but call early, because he is always booked!
So, once God had Elmer all set up in the Garden of Eden, He sent him a helpmate, a companion, a girl named Ethel. Ethel, befitting the expected union, had her sexual apparatus on her right shoulder – perhaps the origin of the saying "rubbing shoulders with someone".
Elmer and Ethel got along well enough, but there didn't seem to be that magic spark between them. God wasn't worried, though, because He knew that He had instilled in Elmer two things: 1) A need for sexual release, and 2) the ability to ignore everything sane and logical when confronted with a chance to get laid (a trait that seems to have survived the generations). So, God just sat back and waited.
Elmer, true to his calling, soon began to feel the need for release, the desire of his spire, the tingle in his dingle. Sure enough, he found Ethel by the campfire, contentedly munching on berries. Though not particularly lovely, she was just what Elmer wanted in a woman --- breathing. He went to her, whispered sweet nothings in her ear, and suggested they retire to the cave. Ethel, true to her instincts, told him she would love it, but if he wanted any shoulder, he had to take the garbage over the hill first.
As is the wont of all men, Elmer would have done anything to get a little of Ethel. So, he grabbed up the garbage and stomped over the hill. Dropping the garbage on the ground, he hurried to run back to Ethel. As he spun, however, his penis swung, smacking him in the cheek. And history was made – or as we will see, not made.
About twenty minutes later, Ethel began to become concerned. Elmer had not returned. Maybe he had been attacked by wild animals, or maybe that evil snake that was always hanging around ate him. Elmer was looking for a little action – she knew he would have run back like a little puppy if he thought he would get some. Something terrible must have happened to him!
As she searched for him, high and low, the fear began to grow. After checking the garbage dump, Ethel started toward the river. Elmer always liked to stand there and throw rocks at the fish. There he was! He's okay! What's he doing? Oh no! I can't believe it.
There was Elmer, casually resting against a rock. But, he was licking his balls! Why would he do that? That's disgusting! Ethel's head was spinning – what kind of pervert had God fixed her up with, anyway? She had to figure out a way to stop this nonsense. She had to get control of this situation. And, as all women do, she knew just how to get Elmer's attention. Sashaying across the clearing, she strutted her stuff – giving him that 'come hither' glance – that extra flounce of the hip – pulling her shoulders back to better present her assets to him.
But, Elmer, entranced in the task at hand – or tongue, if you will – paid no heed. He contentedly nuzzled, and pushed, and licked. He looked like a trained seal balancing a ball on his nose. Ethel was a mere distraction to the pleasure he was feeling, to the euphoria he was creating. He could feel the tingle, the desire, and he didn't even need to take out the garbage to get it!
Needless to say, Elmer, enamored with his new toy, wasn't much use in the Garden after that. He ignored Ethel's overt ministrations, as well as God's plea to go forth and multiply. One-on-none met his needs. God, frustrated with this obvious flaw in the prototype, removed Elmer and Ethel, went back to the drawing board, and came up with Adam and Eve.
Now, this was the end of the story, but I couldn't get it out of my mind. What if they had survived? What if man today was built that way? What changes would have occurred? How would our lives have been different? Let's explore this further.
