Boring Christmas Party

This is a 750-word story, part of the Winter Holiday 2023 event.

All fiction, of course incomplete (750 words) but hopefully a fun read.

Thanks to bry1977 for editing.

"Christmas parties are so boring," Horace Gunderson said. Interesting the wisdom one gains from the urinals at a bar.

"Only if you're lucky," Stewart Anderson, who stood on my other side, opined.

"Yeah? How do you figure that?" I had to know.

"Two years ago at my wife's office party, things got 'not boring,'" Stew said, doing the guy shake and bury thing before turning to the wash basins.

Horrie and I joined him there to complete the restroom ritual.

"So, what happened?" I asked.

"Donna got fed too many drinks by her boss and spent the evening laughing at his jokes with her tongue halfway out after he'd danced so close with her they needed Siamese twin surgery to separate them. Everyone else in the room gave me the old pity eye."

"And then?" Horrie hadn't even turned on his faucet.

"I took a pitcher of ice water from our table and poured it down the front of Bossman's pants."

We all laughed at the image.

"Donna screamed like a raccoon with its tail on fire, and her boss lunged at me. All those drinks made him slow, I think, so I just stepped aside. However, I must have been slow of reflexes, too, because one of my feet was a trifle tardy at coming with me, and poor Bossman's momentum carried him over it. As he fell, his face hit the frame of one of those folding chairs these hotel ballrooms always have, and he lost like three or four teeth. Trying to regain my balance, I must have accidentally stepped on his family jewels. He could have given banshees classes in squealing. Ear-splitting is not what anyone would expect from senior management.

"Flailing to keep from losing my balance, my hand accidentally caught on Donna's dress, the one she bought especially for the party. Ripped the flimsy thing right open, top to bottom.

The women there thought her lack of underwear was totally inappropriate, but the guys seemed to think it was remarkably efficient of her to make Bossman's job later that evening so much easier. After so many drinks, his coordination was bound to be impaired, no?"

"Anyway, between her shrieking, and everyone looking at us, I was rattled and confused, and still way unsteady. When Bossman wiggled beneath me, he threw me off balance again, and I accidentally stepped on his rib cage. Kinda had to stomp on it, actually, so I think he ended up having five ribs broken, instead of just two if he'd have kept still until I could get off him. It's not an easy thing, I tell you. To get off him I missed and accidentally trampled his gonads again. It was just chaos, you know, with chairs and tables and purses and crap on the ground, I couldn't find a place to step safely. In my frantic attempts to find a solid footing, I think I may have stepped on his shins a few times. By that time, I think he passed out because he became quiet.

"Unfortunately, in my struggle to regain my footing and my balance, I accidentally tipped what was left in the water pitcher over Donna's naked nether region. Oh man, you'd have thought an entire legion of screaming cats were thrown in a pool. Until one of the wait staff brought her some towels to dry herself and a kitchen uniform to cover her body."

"Wow," I said, "definitely not boring. Is that why Donna divorced you?"

"Yeah, can you believe it? Accused me of ruining her career. When Bossman got thrown out the door, the promotion he promised her apparently went with him."

"It's not all bad, though. Bossman's wife saw the entire thing. Cute thing. When I finally gained my balance and set the empty pitcher down, she'd worked her way to the table. After introducing herself, we traded business cards and cell numbers."

"Turns out Donna was not Bossman's first floozy, nor even his only one at that time. Wifey's PI had uncovered the whole story and she was just waiting. Apparently, the loser's dad owned the company and had planned to turn it over to him after New Year's. She'd just been waiting until he'd received his year-end bonus and the company, so she could get half when she filed."

A light of recognition went on in Horrie's eyes. "Was that Megan?"

"Got it in one." Stew grinned. "And now you know why I think boring Christmas parties are beautiful."