Shoveling the night's ashes out of the fireplace, Avelina turned to find her husband standing close behind her hiding something behind his back. "Hello, my love! Ooh - what are you hiding? Is it a present?"
"It is, my flower. Hold still now, whilst I put it on you," Hammond said, raising her skirts and ducking under them. Avelina draped a leg over his shoulder, giving him better access to his favorite place to give her presents, but with a clucking noise he slid it back down. "Not that present, Ave. This is something special I got at the smithy for you. As you know, I will be leaving for the crusades now and it may be a few years here I am able to return to you." Avelina felt something cold and hard touch her legs and slide upward, the creak of metal filling her with a sense of foreboding.
"I do know that, my love, but whatever are you doing to me? It feels like you're putting me into shackles," she said, wiggling her hips trying to get comfortable in the metal apparatus he was fixing around her waist and between her legs now. The metal began to warm a little, easing some discomfort, but then she heard the squeak and snap of a key in a lock.
"Ham... what is this?"
"Hear me out, my little one," Ham said, coming out from under her skirts, holding them aloft and admiring his handiwork. "This is called a chastity belt. The blacksmith just developed them and they are selling out hand over fist! I was lucky to get one! With so many men leaving, and so few men left to protect the virtue of our fair wives, he developed this device to protect you from the advances of scoundrels. Only this will remove the lock I've used," he said, holding the key up and tucking it into a pouch in his belt.
"I see," Avelina said, squirming again as the metal pulled painfully on the soft curls that covered her nethers. "And why are you keeping the key, my love?"
Ham cleared his throat, "Well, my darling, the advantage of that, of course, is that because I hold the key, I will have the assurance that you are...um... safe... whilst I fight for King Richard."
"Of course!" she exclaimed, smiling and kissing his cheek. "You men are so clever! I would never have thought of such a thing!" She lifted her skirts higher and looked at the apparatus cutting cruelly into her soft flesh. "My love, I hate to be indelicate, but I didn't get the opportunity to examine your gift prior to wearing it. My concern is... well... you know how I go to gather flowers each morning?"
"Yes, my dove. Such lovely flowers they are, too," Ham said, grateful she had not caught on to the true purpose of the device.
"Oh, thank you, my darling, you know how hard I work to give you a beautiful home, but I must confess something..." she whispered.
Ham lowered her skirts, looking at the color deepening in her cheeks. "Yes?"
"It's just that... I don't just gather flowers each morning."
"You don't..."
"No... um... I... I..." Avelina stammered, looking out of the window for anyone who might overhear, then whispered in her husband's ear, "I poop..."
Ham laughed in relief, "Ah! And you are concerned that this device will prevent you from doing so? The smithy is not so ignorant of a woman's needs as that! He has devised a clever hole in that place," he said, holding up his fingers in a loop to indicate the size of the hole. The smithy seemed to think women produced excrement the same size as made by cats.
"There's a hole? How very clever! You men think of everything!" Avelina said, patting her husband's shoulder and turning around to finish shoveling out the fireplace. Ham watched her bottom move as she worked to scrub out the last bit of ash, undulating in an almost hypnotic fashion. Soon, he was digging under her skirts again intending to unlock the device and take her bent over as she was. Feeling him fumble for the lock, Avelina cooed, "Oh, leave my lovely present on, my husband. I will take care of you like this!"