America Lies Here

I was born 3 years ago, in a small town in a flat part of America, but I could see the mountains on tv, and whenever I watched that tv, I learned more and more about what a great place America was and could be. If you follow me, I'll tell you the way. We can walk together in this great land of equality, and merit, and happiness, and humiliation.

I was driving to see my wife. You see, I was on a highway. It was a straight highway and there weren't any trees near it and so if I ran off the road, I would be okay and all. That's right. I was safe. So I went a little faster, because I wanted to see my wife. I love my wife, of course, and everyday I want to see her more and more. We're in love, and I wanted to tell her so because I hadn't told her since that morning when I left for work. It was in the late afternoon, and I wanted to tell her so, and I wanted to see her beautiful face up close and see her nose and her chin.

Just then, I hear a noise. I looked in the rear view mirror and I saw some red lights and some blue lights and they reminded me of Christmas. And I love Christmas. So I was happy. I pulled over to tell the man in the white and black car that I was happy, and so I did. Let it be so. Amen.

By the time I had pulled over, I was in the middle of cornfield country. The corn stalks reflected the sun, and it was good.

The man got out of his car and walked over. I liked the way he was dressed. He looked very professional and all, and I had faith in him.

He said, "Sir, you were going 87. The speed limit is only 65."

I said, "Really? Thank you, Your Honor."

"I'm no judge, sir. I'm just a police officer. Anyway, you don't want to go too fast. You might miss your exit."

I said, "Thank you, Officer."

"I noticed you have out of state tags. Where are you going, sir?"

"To see my girl," I said.

"Well, sir, just so you know, this is Kansas."

"Is it really? That explains a lot," I said. "I'm in the wrong state."

"Have you been drinking, sir?" he asked.

"Oh yes. I had two before I left the office," I said, forgetting about the two after I left the office.

"Well sir, driving over the speed limit and drinking too much are both good ways to miss your exit," he explained.

"You're right. Good thinking."

"Well, have a nice day, sir."

With that, I turned the car around and started driving the other way. In a little while, the nice man in the black and white car got behind me again and I stopped. He said I was going the wrong way on the highway. That explains a lot. So I got on the other side of the highway to drive home.

It was dinner time by the time I got home. I couldn't wait to tell my wife about the police man. She'd really get a kick out of it. She always did. She got a kick out of my stories, even though today I left out the part about how I had over eight hundred dollars cash when I left the office but now I needed to borrow money off of her tomorrow morning, and I enjoyed hers.

Her eyes would beam and she'd look up and smile and tell me how another man got the wrong idea and started kissing her. I'd just chuckle and say, "I'm glad I already landed a good one. Boy, I'd hate to be single again."

The Lord delivers us in mysterious ways and His Love confuses us to no end. But someday it will end and I know where I'm going after I die.

That reminds me of tonight's party. We're having a great big get together at my house. Everyone will be there and is there, even my wife and I. The party went like this...

My son is talking to a man I knew in the War. The man was a friend of mine for a long time and then we didn't speak to each other for many years. We weren't mad, we just lost touch. Now we touch, often.

My son said, "My Old Man said you're pretty tough."

"I am. And my Old Man is older than your Old Man. What do ya think about that?"

"I think you must be right, Sir."

"You damn right I'm right."

"Would you like another drink, Sir?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, I would, Sir."

Later, I had to break up the fight. I enjoy breaking up fights. It makes me feel both morally superior and intellectually superior. I like the attention, too. There are two combatants and only one fight-breaker-upper, so I am unique, and I get to talk more than they do.

Debbie, my wife's best friend, who was showing cleavage, showing leg, and showing her nice tummy, showed up to the party, hammered. Unfortunately, I wasn't the one who hammered her.

"Debbie," I said. "You look so fine tonight, so fine. But you always look so fine."

"Do you wanna go to bed with me, or sumethin'?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied.

"Well, lemme get a few more drinks in me first."

"No problem. Don't go away."

It was a fine party. There was something for everyone. Unfortunately, it was my wife. But that's what you expect when you throw a party at your own house and you live in a five bedroom house with a big backyard.

Douglass, one of my coworkers, was there. He came alone.

"Hi Doug," I said. "Where's your wife?"

"I don't know," he said.

"Whadda you mean you don't know?"

"What do you mean 'where she is?'," he insisted. "How would I know?!"

"What kind of a wife is she?" I said.

"She's dead. You went to the funeral over a year ago."

"Uh, and you haven't remarried, I take it?"

Parties are always like that. That's why people throw them all the time. We never learn. We just enjoy infuriating the only people who can stand to have us around.

I started talking to Bobby Stevens. He's a young law school student and the son of one of my coworkers, I think.

"Are you enjoyin' law school. Bobby?" I asked.

"Well, not exactly. It's a lot of work. As a matter of fact, I have to go home and study tonight," he said.

"Nonsense," I said. "You can study here. I got five bedrooms."

"Mr. Richardson, thank you for the offer, but I respectfully decline."

"Don't be so glum, Kid," I said. "Think of all the work you'll do once you get out of law school."

"That's just it, Sir. If I get a job at a law firm, I'll work 70 hour weeks. If I don't, I'm unemployed. I may end up working at Starbucks."

"That's great news! I didn't even know Starbucks was a law firm too. I thought they did only coffee."

"Uhm, well, I may not even get a job at Starbucks."

"Terrific!" I said.

"Well, Sir, that's my dilemma. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't," Bobby said.

"Just damned, I guess," I said. "I was never good at logic."

I added, "If it makes you feel any better, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes."

"Thank you, Sir."

"You need to watch more television. It'll cheer you up. Every lawyer on tv has a job they love."

The evening was going pretty well. I saw everyone but my wife, which is usually a good thing, but tonight I couldn't get any action from any of the pretty ladies, so I didn't know where the hell she was, and I was starting to wonder. So I started asking around.

"Have you seen my wife?" I asked Tony.

"I saw her about two hours ago," he said.

"Have you seen my wife?" I asked Richard Cumberlin.

"I saw her about an hour ago," he said.

"Have you seen my wife?" I asked Jake.

"I saw her about half an hour ago," he said.

"Have you seen my wife?" I asked Paul.

"I saw her, hmmm, about an hour and a half ago," he said.

"That makes sense," I said.

Finally I found her. She was drunk and I took her back to the master bedroom to have a word with her. But first, I started kissing her because she was irresistible.

"Where have you been all night?" I asked her, between kisses.

"Right here," she said.

"I've missed you."

"Wait a second," she said, slobbering. "Oh my dear God! You're my husband. Get your hands off me."

She left and went back to the party. All I could say is being married is sometimes difficult. You marry a person so that you will have access to them all the time, and then you never see each other because you hate each other. You want something and then it's the last thing in the world you want. It really doesn't make any sense, if you think about it long enough.

Marriage is about sacrifices. You sacrifice for your kids. You sacrifice for your spouse. You sacrifice for yourself, and then you don't appreciate it when you do.

The party was winding down when I saw Debbie coming out of one of the bedrooms. I approached her, but before I could speak, she spoke.

"Take a number," she said.

"Wait a second, you've gotten with every guy at the party except me," I pleaded.

"I haven't, have I?" she said and thought. "Just how big are you downstairs?"

"I'll take a number."

Finally it was my turn. I walked slowly into the bedroom, one of my bedrooms but one that now seemed intimidating.

"If ya don't git it up in five minutes, you'll get skipped over," she said.

"Honey," I said. " You've got nothing to worry about."

She looked at me up and down and said, "You're right."

I changed her mind. I got to work on her. The alcohol was working its magic on me and I was numb but I was also as hard as a stone. I'm special like that. We started in one position but switched to another. I was sweating and so hot, my face was red, but I switched to another position and went to town on her. We were going to town!

"Oh boy!" she shouted. "You really know how to use it!"

I said, "You ain't seen nothing yet, Sweetie Pie."

Just then Bobby Stevens piped up.

"Can I use this room to study in, Sir?" he said and turned the light on.

My goods went South and it was all over.

"Get outta here, you stupid dork!" I yelled. "I got five bedrooms, go find another!"

"Don't yell at my son!" screamed that old bastard I knew from the War.

Oh no! I had forgotten Debbie was married to that tough old bastard.

It all makes sense now. That's why I'm in Heaven, don'cha know? Been here for 3 years. The good news is that Debbie is here and so is Doug's wife, so it was really my lucky day and I didn't even know it.

The thing about being on Earth is that you don't know where you are. You're really in Hell. That's why you can't leave by any other route than death. God doesn't talk to you there, on Earth—He ignores you. Still, you persevere. You put up with it. You feel that you have no other choice, when you do. Just be free and merry and screw as many wives as you can.