Musicians And Sex (A Guide For Non-Musical Females)
Tim Kitten is a guitarist in a professional duo. Like all musicians who play the circuit, he scrapes a living; Sometimes. Non-musicians consider it a strange type of employment. They're right; it is. But it's always different, never boring, and nothing like a normal nine to five office job. Here's an opportunity to look much deeper into the obscure world of music and musicians.
Shere Hite made her name in 1986 when her eponymous report on the sexual proclivities of American students was first published. The most erroneous emission, (shouldn't that be omission)? in her widely acclaimed and far reaching investigation, was the lack of any information on the sexual wiles of musicians. Do male musicians make good partners? And if so, does it make a difference whether they are a drummer or keyboard player? Tim Kitten has interviewed many musicians to try and establish the facts. Tim is proud to present the first ever qualified and extensive survey on the suitability of male musicians as prospective partners:- The 'Shere Tim Report'.
KEYBOARD PLAYERS:
Keyboard players are delicate little things; bless their little white cotton socks. They can't even mention that word, you know, the one that starts with 'S', ends with an 'X' and has an 'E' in the middle. When someone does say that word in front of them they spill their mug of warm milk all over their multi-coloured tank tops and brown corduroy trousers. Keyboard players go out once a month, slinking into their local newsagent to collect a copy of 'Ivory Ticklers Monthly'. To avoid embarrassment it's always wrapped in a plain brown paper cover. But as far as sex and keyboardists go, that's it.
Try to explain to keyboard players about females, and a vacant expression appears. Is it because the very instrument they play has so many nudge-nudge wink-wink sexual innuendoes attached to it? When the keyboard player in your band 'phones up and says, "Do you want to come around and see my new organ, it's a lot bigger than my old one, and it's got more horns", you can't help but snigger.
Keyboardists can only have emotional relationships with their own keyboards, and even then these relationships are very unsatisfactory. No information regarding the sexual habits of keyboard players could be found. No current partners, or ex partners of the ivory ticklers could be found either. The obvious conclusion is that keyboard players don't do it! So forget trying to have a relationship with a keyboard player. Buy some paint, paint a wall, and watch it dry.
PARTNER SUITABILITY RATING
Keyboard Player - 0 out of 10
Tin of paint - 4 out of 10
BASS GUITARISTS
Bass players are usually hunky and tend towards being Neanderthal. Bass guitars have four strings; it is on this basis, they approach all matters sexual. The E string stands for eroticism and erogenous zone. When watching a bassist performing a solo, you will notice he tries to ooze an erotic aura, always unsuccessfully. As for the erogenous zone, that's the control panel on the bass amplifier. The A string represents allure and arousal; Alluring is the expression that bass player put on when performing. It looks very similar to a squashed grapefruit. It's easy to tell when a bass player is aroused; their left eyebrow twitches every hour or so.
The D string stands for desire and orgasm. Bass players desire everything and everyone, but they particularly desire heavy speaker cabinets that require four roadies to shift them. As for the orgasm bit, well, bass players are renowned for not being able to spell very well. Finally there's the G string, but you don't have to have that explained do you? You do? Oh all right then. Ask a bass player where the G spot is. After an hour or two of deep thought, he will announce it can be discovered on the tenth fret of his thinnest string; close, but no cigar.
