Addicted To American Idol

Addicted To American Idol

Man has trouble separating American Idol from his personal life.

I met my girlfriend, Paula, the first season of American Idol. I remember it well because Kelly Clarkson won that year. I was glad that Justin Guarini didn't win. I thought Kelly was a much better singer.

On our first date, I took Paula to this little pub that I knew, the owner's daughter was trying out for American Idol, she didn't make it. Yet, I knew by taking her to there, instead of someplace not as nice like a sports bar, where all they do is watch sports, those guys are addicted to sports, I could watch American Idol. To be honest, it was a fun date, the best first date I ever had.

I can multi-task, have a date with her and eat my dinner, while watching the show. What could be better than that, having my first date with a good looking woman while watching American Idol? I knew it would be fun and it was.

Immediately, with the first season of American Idol, the first show, I was as hooked on show, as I was hooked on Paula, my girlfriend, not Paula Abdul, although Paula Abdul is terribly cute and I'd date her if I could. I just loved the whole concept of this singing contest type of show. It was excitingly different, better than Ted Mack amateur hour ever was, which was before my time, but my folks watched it all the time.

The date went well enough, we had a nice dinner at the bar, while we watched the show. I found American Idol to be the perfect ice breaker. We discussed the contestants, while asking questions about one another, during the commercials.

My girlfriend, Paula, is a Gemini, just like Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul was born on June 19th and my girlfriend was born on June 14th. You'd think I had planned looking for a Gemini named Paula in the way that happened. Weird, huh?

We dated all through the first season of American Idol and our dates always paralleled the show. We'd watch the show first before going out to eat or doing anything else. Then, during the finale, where they voted for either Kelly Clarkson or Justin Guarini, that was so exciting. When Kelly won, I was so excited that I popped the question.

I don't know what got into me but, in the moment, I was carried away with enthusiasm. I didn't even have a ring to give her. I started saving my money to buy her a ring and, right after that, we went shopping for one. We bought one, finally, at the start of the second season of American Idol.

I remember because Ruben Studdard won that year and we were married at the end of the second season of American Idol. It's funny how so many of the things that mark my life correspond with American Idol. Weird, huh?

What kind of name is Ruben, anyway? I always thought it was a weird name for a sandwich and an even weirder name for someone who weighed about 400 pounds. Whatever happened to Ruben? I don't see him much on television in the way I do some of the other American Idol winners.

At the end of the third season of American Idol, we had our son, Simon. I know, I didn't mean to name him Simon, it just happened. The name popped into my head. My wife was still groggy from childbirth and the nurse asked me for a name to put on the birth certificate.

"Simon," I blurted without really thinking and forgetting that my wife had wanted to name our son, Walter, after her Dad. Oops. Sorry.

"Middle name," asked the nurse.

Middle name? I don't even remember either of us contemplating a middle name.

"Randy," I said with a shrug. For the life of me, I couldn't think of another name.

My wife is still more than a bit upset with me for naming my son, Simon Randy. She wanted to name our son after her dad, Walter. C'mon, really, unless your last name is Disney or Cronkite, what kind of a name is Walter for a little kid? Simon fits him better, I think, don't you?

My wife's Mom still doesn't speak to me, really, especially when, while Simon was learning to talk and utter his first words, I'd tell her what Simon said, "Simon says this and Simon says that." Yeah, I know that I should have said, Simon said this and Simon said that, but it was much more fun to say it the other way and annoy the crap out of my mother-in-law.

"Simon says Walter is a name for an old man and not a little boy."

We moved from our small apartment and bought our first house the 3rd season of American Idol. Fantasia Barrino won that year. What kind of name is Fantasia? C'mon, seriously. If you ask me, someone was addicted to Walt Disney when it came time to write her name on a birth certificate. Perhaps, it would have been more fitting had they named her Bambi or if she was a boy, Walter, after Walt Disney.

Married life was really good and everything was going swell. My wife was pregnant again. We didn't know if she was having a girl or a boy, actually, we didn't want to know. It's better if it's a surprise.

She gave me explicit instructions what to name the kid, Walter if he's a boy, after her dad and Lucille, if she's a girl, after her mom. She even wrote the names down on piece of paper and gave it to me. I kept that piece of folded paper right there in the inside pocket of my jacket, my other jacket, the jacket that I wasn't wearing when they rushed her to the hospital to deliver the baby boy.

It's a boy! I was so excited. I hit the jackpot, two boys. Oh, boy, oh boy. I couldn't believe it.

"What name would you like on the birth certificate," asked the nurse.

I wanted to ask my wife, but she was out cold from not sleeping through the night, having hours of labor, and finally delivering the baby. I was just so excited that I had another son. I was still in shock that my wife delivered a second boy.

I distinctly remember thinking about the note, but not the names on the note. For the life of me, I couldn't remember the names she had written on that note. I felt the inside breast pocket of my jacket knowing that I had the names written right there. Fuck, the paper is in my other jacket. I couldn't think. I felt pressured, suddenly, to give her a name.

"Ryan," I said.

"Middle name?"

Fuck, a loss for names, I uttered the only other name that I could recall.

"Randy, I said.

It won't matter that the boys have the same middle name. Right? Randy's a good name. They'll probably thank me later, when they grow up to be proud, strong men that I gave them both the same middle name. I mean, seriously, c'mon, it's just a middle name. No one even uses their middle name.

"Dad, you gave us the same middle name," I imagined my sons asking me when they were older. "What's up with that? Were you drinking when you named us? Were you on drugs? Were you high? What were you thinking? Why'd you give us both the same middle name?"

"Hold on just a minute," I imagined saying to my grown sons. "They are about to announce the winner to season 30 of American Idol."

I couldn't believe I said the name Ryan and to compound it, Randy, again, for a middle name. Other than Ryan Seacrest, the host of American Idol, I don't know anyone named Ryan. I'm not even Irish. I was tempted to stop the nurse and have her change the name, but for the life of me, I couldn't think of another name. Besides, Ryan is a good name, don't you think?

It was the fourth season when my wife and I separated. Carrie Underwood won that year. I remember. Did you see her special? Wasn't see great? Isn't she adorable and what a voice she has. Wow. Her sister is pretty hot, too. Even her mom wasn't bad looking. Her mom reminded me a little of Debbie Reynolds.

Anyway, that year, Carrie Underwood beat out Bo Dice. C'mon, seriously what kind of name is Bo, Bo Dice? I could see naming a boy, Andrew Dice, but not Bo. Who was he named after? Even Walter, Walter Dice, would have been a better name. Bo made me glad that I named my boys Simon Randy and Ryan Randy.

My wife said I was boring, too focused, one dimensional and that all I talked about, wanted to talk about, was American Idol. Obviously, she was wrong. Obviously, she was delusional. I talked about plenty of other things. Hey, American Idol wasn't the only show on television.

We discussed the X Factor, America's Got Talent, American Inventor, Celebrity Duets, Grease is the Word, and Rock Rivals. I swear, at the time, I didn't know that all of those shows were Simon Cowell shows. Who knew? How was I supposed to know? Seriously, who even reads the credits? It's just a long list of names.

We got back together just after the fifth year of American Idol. I remember because Taylor Hicks, of all people won that year. Taylor Hicks? Are you kidding me?

Tell me, who voted for that guy over Katharine McPhee? I couldn't believe that guy won. Even he couldn't believe he won. Do you remember the shocked look on his face?

I was shocked. I was depressed for the rest of the month that Katharine McPhee didn't win. She was a much better singer than Taylor and so hot, too. Don't you think? What has he done, since he won? Nothing that I ever heard.

Besides that, tell me, be honest, now, what kind of name is Taylor for a guy? It makes for a good last name, but not for a good first name, especially for a guy. Okay, I can see Taylor for a girl, like Paige or Sydney or even George, like that famous writer, George Eliot, albeit a pen name, but Taylor sounds gay for a guy's name, doesn't it? And how old was that guy anyway? He looked fifty with all that gray hair.

I think that year, the show was fixed, rigged, by whatever town he lived. Every resident of that town must have voted a thousand times a piece for him to win. He should have finished in fifth place, instead of in first place. There's no way he should have one American Idol.

It was obvious when Jordin Sparks won the sixth season of American Idol that things between Paula and I just weren't working. She wanted more out of life than American Idol, she said. How could she say that? How could she hurt me like that? Her mean and nasty comment cut me to the bone.

She just doesn't get it. She didn't realize that life, as we know it, much like in Forrest Gump, when Tom Hanks, playing the character of Forrest Gump, said that life is like a box of chocolates, that life is like American Idol. When you ponder the question, when you sit and contemplate the universe, when you question why we are all here, and if there is a God or a superior being, isn't life a bit like American Idol?

I know. See? You get it and she didn't. Duh!

We all compete with some of us winning and most of us losing. Life is much a singing contest, when you think about it. We all must sing for our supper. Some of us can sing and others, well, are better off not singing and remaining silent, while allowing those who can sing to carry the rest of us along with their tune.

My divorce became final right after they announced the winner of season seven of American Idol. David Cook won that year over David Archuleta. I thought little David Archuleta was so cute. I voted for him to win. Yet, now being a single guy, they sure had some good looking, albeit, young women on that show, Kristy Lee Cook, Carly Smithson, and Brooke White. Wow.

It's funny how things happen for a reason and I met the woman of my dreams when I met Kara. I assure you, with one having nothing to do with the other, coincidentally, with Kara DioGuardi becoming the 4th judge on the eight season of American Idol. It was somehow appropriately prophetic that I found a woman with the same first name as one of the judges, as I did when I found my first wife, Paula.

In reality, can you now see how life is so much like American Idol? I can. I'm convinced of it. My fate is why I'm so enthralled with watching the show.

You'd think that I was purposely looking for someone named Kara to marry. I assure you that I wasn't. She even has the same sun sign, Sagittarius, as Kara DioGruardi. My Kara was born on December eleventh and the Kara on American Idol was born on December ninth. Weird, huh?

A perfect match, my wife Kara loves American Idol, too. She wouldn't miss an episode. She can even sing, too. She's too old to try out for the show, but we have fun watching the show together, talking about it before and after.

We were both stunned when Kris Allen won over Adam Lambert. What was that about? Even Kris Allen was stunned he won? Did you see the stunned look on his face? The audience and the judges were stunned with Simon voicing his outrage of America not getting it right.

C'mon, that was another snow job with Kris Allen winning American Idol. It was season five all over again with Taylor Hicks winning over Katharine McPhee. Are you kidding me? That was a no contest. Adam was so much a better singer than Kris. His range was phenomenal.

People just didn't vote for Adam because, obviously, with the eye makeup and some of his movements, that he was a gay man. So what? He's gay. Big deal. Get over it. Only, this is puritanical America, don't forget.

Yet, the fact remains that American Idol is a singing contest and not a sexual orientation contest. Adam was robbed. He should have won American Idol. Only, he'll win in the long run with the number of CD's that he sells.

Has anyone even seen Kris Allen since he won American Idol? Adam with his talent and antics is all over television and the Internet. He's already released his first CD, which I already have. I just love his voice.

I can't wait for next season, season nine to start. Kara and I already have tickets to the show. Yeah, I know. How outrageous is that? We're going to see the American Idol Show, something that my first wife would never want to do. I'm so excited. Maybe, Paula will allow me to bring my sons, Simon Randy and Ryan Randy, so that they can meet their namesakes, Simon, Randy, and Ryan.

My wife, Kara is pregnant. If it's a boy we thought about naming him Randy and giving him Simon as a middle name. What do you think? I don't think my sons from my first marriage will mind. What's the big deal. It's just a name. If it's a girl, we're considering naming her Ellen, after Ellen DeGeneres, the one replacing Paula this year, the 5th American Idol judge with Paula or Kara as a middle name.

Hey, I don't have an addiction. I just like watching the show. What's wrong with that?