A Computer Guide For Men

Computer technology has made great strides. Experts have made it even possible for people to go on their computers in airplanes, cars, cafés, and just about any place you can imagine.

And along with any improvement, of any existing idea, men also improve themselves. Well, maybe they don't necessarily improve themselves, but they adjust themselves to the changes that are being made around them, and this includes computer technology.

It's a big deal to buy a computer. The salesman comes over to help you. He asks you such questions as: What type of computer are you looking for? How exactly will you be using new computer? You tell him that it'd really help you out with the reports you have to hand in for work, and also maybe it'd be something fun for whenever you have some downtime. You pick one out and decide that this is the one you'll get for sure.

But you have to wait about several hours in the store for the salesman to get it all ready for you to take home.

And so finally you get home. Your beloved prize is home with you! It really puts that baby your wife had last month on the back burner.

You take the pieces out of the box. A beautiful Apple computer. After a good 30 or 40 minutes of making the bubble paper pop, you finally decide it's time to hook this baby up.

Over the next day or so, you get pretty well acquainted with your new toy. This thing belongs in a museum, you say to yourself. After all, you can view porn and chat with a Puerto Rican babe at the same time.

After a while, you're pretty comfortable with your computer. You can turn it on without calling on your neighbor. You can go onto the internet and do anything you darn well please. You can instant message chics, check out porn, and order important things such as a new tool box, a classic American novel, and, of course, a Jenna Jameson blow-up doll.

But pretty soon, with all these cool features, you get hooked and can think of nothing else. Your baby son can now tie his own shoes and your wife has just served you with divorce papers, which you really can't read at the moment because your spaceship has just been blown to smithereens by that little cartoon guy in the corner of the screen.

Now you're divorced and realize that this means you won't, like, get to see your son everyday. So, confused and disoriented with your new life, you turn to one reliable thing: your computer.

But it's a few years old. It's getting a little hard to boot-up these days and it's missing the Caps Lock key, not to mention the Space Bar. But yet, as a good, decent man, you remain faithful.

It has gotten you through some pretty tough times. Those times when your wife turned her back in bed and said she wasn't in the mood in that night because of a headache. There were some nights she even chose to sleep on the couch. You begged her to come back to bed, but when she realized that you, yet again, would be taking the mouse to you with bed, she decided to sleep downstairs.

But back to the subject. You remain a faithful computer owner. But something has happened. You've grown closer to your PC than is normal. After much research, you find out that you suffer from ECBPC (Erections Caused By Personal Computers). Oh sure, looking at porn and reading erotica (ah-hem) was nice and all, but you put your interest in the computer itself. This is ECBPC.

Here are some signs that you may be suffering from ECBPC:

1. You go to a Mac for a quickie.

2. You get your video camera ready when it prints out paper.

3. You have a photo of your PC on your desk at work.

4. Your pants tighten when you enter "Best Buy".

5. Instead of going to your favorite porn site, you fondle the keyboard.

6. For protection, you wear a Trojan whenever you log on.

7. You light up a cigarette when you log off.

8. You rank the Dell laptop as "the third sexiest piece of technology".

9. You dump your 18 year old girlfriend because she doesn't house enough gigabytes.

10. Admit to your PC that, while you did look at the computers at "Circuit City", "it didn't mean anything".

11. Feel yourself blush when you double-click.

12. Thank Cindy Crawford for the dinner invite, but you really should stay home, as it's "that time of the month" for your PC.

13. You get an erection by reading this article.