Host: [fumble] [fumble] [zzzzzzzip] Ouch! [unzip] [fumble] [fumble] [zzzzzzzzip] (whispering) Are we ready to go back live?...What was that again?...What?
Host (speaking): Okay, welcome back to the show. We are continuing our interview with Ms. Daisy Montoya, candidate for the Presidency of the United States in 2012. She is reviewing her policy stands and telling us about this new political party: the Blowjob Party. So far, we have learned of the basic premise behind the Blowjob Party. Let's dig a little deeper and learn some more, shall we? Ms. Montoya, has the party received any significant endorsements?
Ms. Montoya: So far we have none. However, we are very close. Anyone who has watched the Vice President make a speech has surely wondered just what is going on with him. He stumbles through contradictions, confusing analogies, stuttering and stammering. Is he just stupid? I don't think so. It's obvious to me that there is a blowjob associate of some type hidden in his podium giving him a blowjob as he speaks. At the very least, the teleprompter operator is getting the blowjob. Or maybe even both. But as you can see, the effects of the blowjob affect the thought processes and the speech goes haywire. I suspect the Vice President will be endorsing us shortly, and he may even bolt and join our party. And I expect many more to follow in the near future. Every time you here a speech that sounds like it was written by a group of chimpanzees, then you should consider that a blowjob associate has already assumed the position.
Host: That is interesting. I have seen his speeches, but I never have made that association. That is going to be a difficult vision to remove from my mind. Have you been watching the debates, and what is your assessment of the discussion of the issues?
Ms. Montoya: I have been disappointed. They only seem to want to talk about who is mowing the grass, who has the best hair stylist, and whether Kim Kardashian has to bend any at all in order to service her new husband. We need issues in these debates and not petty argument points. I think they are all perfect examples of men who badly need blowjobs. I would have been ready to take care of them at any or all of the debates. The female candidate, she could have helped and we could have been done in half the time."
Host: You do not seem to know the names of many of the political figures.
Ms. Montoya: From where I crouch, they all look just about the same. But back to the topic: this would have been a debate that people would have wanted to see. There could have been a phone-in poll and viewers could have voted on which candidate really 'stood out' in the crowd. We could have called it the Pole Poll.
Host: I am certain our viewers would want to participate in the Pole Poll. However, you mentioned the mowing the grass item; that debate topic touched on immigration and immigration policy. How do you stand on that issue?
Ms. Montoya: I am so glad that people want to move to our country, the land of opportunity. I do want to be careful not to let this go on without any restriction or without a process, but I also don't want to violate any Constitutional principles. We are known as the Melting Pot. For example, last summer we hired a Hispanic man to mow our grass and take care of the flowers. He is a hunk. I would not ask to inspect his immigration papers for fear of performing a search without cause. Our constitutional rights are something I hold sacred. However, I did inspect his package; he was more than adequately endowed, and I confirmed that he was operating at peak levels. I made it a point to inspect his package every day during the summer. It was my obligation as a small business owner.
Host: It sounds like you are a 'hands-on' business owner. What about foreign policy. This is a key area for any President. How does the Blowjob Party expect to address the key issues of the world stage?
Ms. Montoya: Just a few months ago we took out the leader of the most notorious terror group in the world. He had been responsible for thousands of deaths after an unprovoked attack on civilian targets in our nation. We had followed this guy ten years searching for him in caves, under rocks, and at the local burger joints. So, where did we knock him off? In some dingy building. He was with his four wives and holding a bottle of male enhancement pills. I tell you, making foreign policy decisions and negotiations the Blowjob Party way will save us a lot of grief in the future.
Host: Your worldview is impressive. The Blowjob Party seems to be only a single-issue party. Critics will say you are focused on only a single plank. How will you answer your critics on this point?
Ms. Montoya: This is nonsense. I would do it any way you wanted on a plank. But I would also do it any way in bed, on the floor, in the closet, on the kitchen table, on the garage workbench, in the back of a pickup truck, behind the mulch stacks at the lawn and garden center, in an airplane lavatory, in the department store tub display, at the gazebo in the park, under the gazebo at the park, on top of the gazebo at the park, behind the cotton candy stand at the fair, hanging from a rope sling, on a picnic table, during my interview [wink] [wink], in the laundry room at the clinic, while riding a combine, tied to a fence post, crawling through a mud hole, under a waterfall, on a pool table down at the local pub, in the souvenir shop at the museum, hanging upside down, and in the big oak tree that stands in front of the capital building right across from the Governor's office. The Blowjob Party is the party for everyone. We do not discriminate for any reason whatsoever.
Host: Ms. Montoya, We have enjoyed your visit tonight. We have learned a lot about your vision and the credentials of the Blowjob Party. I would like to thank you for coming to our show today. We really want the people to see all the candidates, and to get a taste of how they stand on the issues. We certainly wish you the very best, and hope that your future is rewarding. Now, as is our custom, we give you the last word to close out our show.
Ms. Montoya: Thank you for the opportunity to speak to the people. I promise you that I enjoyed the taste I had, also. We are searching for real change and satisfaction. Let me work on you and I can straighten you out. I can promise you this: I will be the only candidate who will look up to you while I am servicing you. I am Daisy Montoya, and I am running for President of the United States.
Host: And we thank you for watching 'Politics in Your Face.' Tonight our guest was Ms. Daisy Montoya, candidate for President of the United States.
Announcer: Now stay tuned for our next segment of 'Dr. Fred'. Tonight, Dr. Fred will interview an extended family at a trailer park tucked away in a swamp in southern Alabama. He will analyze their quirks and habits. He will find out what makes them click. It will be a struggle. It was summer when the doctor was there. It was one-hundred degrees in the shade every day. There you will see scruffy people with unshaved beards, cigarette packs rolled up in t-shirt sleeves, tattoos of naked women in poses that professional contortionists could not mimic, sweaty and stinky to the bone. And those are the women. The men are beyond description. But the doctor will find the truth. Next, exclusively on 'Dr. Fred.' Don't miss it.
