Daisy Montoya Runs for President

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Announcer: Later tonight, come along and see the long awaited interview. Is this a fortunate man, or is this a man in denial. You evaluate the evidence and make the final decision:

Reporter on film clip: A 79-year old man has come forward, claiming to be a former Hollywood child actor who never did drugs, was never an alcoholic, was never abused, and who never was seen on a 'Where Are They Now' video. As absurd as this may sound, we have the exclusive interview. He has a compelling story to tell. Listen to him tonight during our broadcast and make your own decision.

Announcer: That is tonight on this station. But now it is time for 'Politics in Your Face,' the public affairs show that examines the political narrative in our country, the ups and downs of politicians, and an inventory of those serving prison sentences for fraud, predatory sexual activity and excessive parking fines. We continue in our series interviewing this year's list of Presidential candidates. And now our host.

Host: Tonight on 'Politics in Your Face', we have as our special guest Ms. Daisy Montoya. Ms. Montoya is the latest candidate to toss her hat into the ring for the 2012 Presidential Election. Good evening, Ms. Montoya. How are you this evening?

Ms. Montoya: I am doing very well, thank you. I appreciate the opportunity to be here tonight and introduce our campaign for the office of President. It is an honor to be here with you.

Host: Well, let's get right into it. You are a fresh face on the political scene. What is your candidacy about?

Ms. Montoya: My supporters and I are approaching this coming election as an opportunity to present some truly new ideas and new solutions to the problems that have been facing every voter of every election for as long as I can remember. We are a grass roots group that seeks out solutions that work.

Host: So, are you a Republican or a Democrat?

Ms. Montoya: Neither. The two political parties have been screwing the American public for many years. We are followers of a new party. We are a group that are not bound by the insiders and the paradigms that have crippled our nation.

Host: Does your new party have a name?

Ms. Montoya: Yes, we are known as the Blowjob Party.

Host: The Blowjob Party? That is a compelling name for a political party. I am sure our viewers are just as anxious as me to hear more about the Blowjob Party and its mandate.

Ms. Montoya: Sure. We have too many of the little guys getting screwed. When jobs are scarce, who gets laid off? It's the little guy. When taxes go up, who pays the most? It's the little guy. When political choices are made, who gets left out? It's the little guy. Our mandate is to take the little guy and make him big. And bigger. When you see these politicians on TV or in person, they are standing around frowning, hunched over, carrying the weight of the world while they pine away getting ready to vote on a new pay raise or an increase in a private account. They have been screwing us, and now we want a piece of that action. We want to move the little guys to a new level, to a new paradigm. An idea that says the little guy deserves to be a bigger part of the picture.

Host: That is certainly a noble idea. Can you give us some more details about the Blowjob Party?

Ms. Montoya: Yes. The real problem is the male politicians. Men have been the predominant political leaders for the last four thousand years or so. When men sit around and have to think, they come up with ideas about new weapons they can use to overrun their neighbor's villages, kill off the men, ravish the woman, and pocket the gold and booty. Not much has changed in recent times. We believe in the scientific principle that there is only so much blood in a man's body.to fully support the functionality of the brain and the penis. Does the concept sound familiar to you?

Host: Yes, I have heard of that. Go on.

Ms. Montoya: We think that by pushing a massive blowjob movement across the country will move most of that blood from the brain to the penis. Our aim is to make the men semiconscious or, at least, dizzy to the extent that they cannot make these stupid decisions and will rely on their blowjob associate to make them instead. Decisions will be decided much less on the firepower and explosiveness of the ordnance. No, now we will make decisions based on matching décor and the latest diet fads.

Host: That is quite an endeavor for such a new political party. What does the voice of the electorate tell you? How are your poll numbers shaping up?

Ms. Montoya: The poll numbers are astounding. In fact, we have had some great results from independent pollsters. 92% of all men say they support our cause. That number goes to 97% if the blowjob associate tickles the backside of the man's balls while sucking. The common theme on their comments seems to be along the lines of 'make sure you bring a beer first before starting to suck when I am watching football.'

Host: For some reason, I thought that the men would be supportive. But what about the women?

Ms. Montoya: We are making strides there. Right now we are at about 37% support. The most common theme there goes along the lines of 'if this will make him quit jerking off and staining the recliner, then I am for it.'

Host: Sounds like your efforts are taking hold of the masses, especially the men. Now let's get to the issues. What about the economy? What is the Blowjob Party's view on getting our economy moving again?

Ms. Montoya: The last time our government ran a budget surplus was when that President was getting his shaft polished by an intern in a White House back room. You don't have to be too smart to put one and one together. We are passionate about doing the things that work to get us back on track. Budget surplus equals blowjob. Just think of multiplying the number of blowjobs by the number of government workers. And our blowjob associates will be there to keep everything pointing straight ahead. Not only would we balance the budget, but we would nail the entire budget deficit within six months. One should never underestimate the abilities of a blowjob associate using her tongue.

Host: Well, you may be on to something there. It is not something I had previously considered. I am sure many of our listeners are pondering that one, too. Especially the men. I can hardly wait to hear more. But it's time for us to take a short break. Let's pause for a moment for the following news flash. We will be right back.

Announcer: Breaking news tonight. All of the American candy manufacturers have agreed in principle to eliminate almonds from all of their candy products. The news has created a ripple effect throughout the industry. Representatives of the almond rights advocacy groups have hailed this as long overdue and a good start to relieving the pain and anguish of the almond. Candy distributors have complained that this is short-sighted and does not address the real issues. Pecan and cashew growers have been conspicuously silent during the discussions. Now, let's return to 'Politics in Your Face' with tonight's guest: Ms. Daisy Montoya.

Host (whispering): Ms. Montoya, please, it is time to get off of your knees and return to your seat."

Unidentified voice in the background: 3...2...1

Host: [grunt] [grunt] Ohhhhh!

Ms. Montoya: [gurgle]...[shlorp]...[shlorp]...[gulp]...Ahhhhh!

Host: [fumble] [fumble] [zzzzzzzip] Ouch! [unzip] [fumble] [fumble] [zzzzzzzzip] (whispering) Are we ready to go back live?...What was that again?...What?

Host (speaking): Okay, welcome back to the show. We are continuing our interview with Ms. Daisy Montoya, candidate for the Presidency of the United States in 2012. She is reviewing her policy stands and telling us about this new political party: the Blowjob Party. So far, we have learned of the basic premise behind the Blowjob Party. Let's dig a little deeper and learn some more, shall we? Ms. Montoya, has the party received any significant endorsements?

Ms. Montoya: So far we have none. However, we are very close. Anyone who has watched the Vice President make a speech has surely wondered just what is going on with him. He stumbles through contradictions, confusing analogies, stuttering and stammering. Is he just stupid? I don't think so. It's obvious to me that there is a blowjob associate of some type hidden in his podium giving him a blowjob as he speaks. At the very least, the teleprompter operator is getting the blowjob. Or maybe even both. But as you can see, the effects of the blowjob affect the thought processes and the speech goes haywire. I suspect the Vice President will be endorsing us shortly, and he may even bolt and join our party. And I expect many more to follow in the near future. Every time you here a speech that sounds like it was written by a group of chimpanzees, then you should consider that a blowjob associate has already assumed the position.

Host: That is interesting. I have seen his speeches, but I never have made that association. That is going to be a difficult vision to remove from my mind. Have you been watching the debates, and what is your assessment of the discussion of the issues?

Ms. Montoya: I have been disappointed. They only seem to want to talk about who is mowing the grass, who has the best hair stylist, and whether Kim Kardashian has to bend any at all in order to service her new husband. We need issues in these debates and not petty argument points. I think they are all perfect examples of men who badly need blowjobs. I would have been ready to take care of them at any or all of the debates. The female candidate, she could have helped and we could have been done in half the time."

Host: You do not seem to know the names of many of the political figures.

Ms. Montoya: From where I crouch, they all look just about the same. But back to the topic: this would have been a debate that people would have wanted to see. There could have been a phone-in poll and viewers could have voted on which candidate really 'stood out' in the crowd. We could have called it the Pole Poll.

Host: I am certain our viewers would want to participate in the Pole Poll. However, you mentioned the mowing the grass item; that debate topic touched on immigration and immigration policy. How do you stand on that issue?

Ms. Montoya: I am so glad that people want to move to our country, the land of opportunity. I do want to be careful not to let this go on without any restriction or without a process, but I also don't want to violate any Constitutional principles. We are known as the Melting Pot. For example, last summer we hired a Hispanic man to mow our grass and take care of the flowers. He is a hunk. I would not ask to inspect his immigration papers for fear of performing a search without cause. Our constitutional rights are something I hold sacred. However, I did inspect his package; he was more than adequately endowed, and I confirmed that he was operating at peak levels. I made it a point to inspect his package every day during the summer. It was my obligation as a small business owner.

Host: It sounds like you are a 'hands-on' business owner. What about foreign policy. This is a key area for any President. How does the Blowjob Party expect to address the key issues of the world stage?

Ms. Montoya: Just a few months ago we took out the leader of the most notorious terror group in the world. He had been responsible for thousands of deaths after an unprovoked attack on civilian targets in our nation. We had followed this guy ten years searching for him in caves, under rocks, and at the local burger joints. So, where did we knock him off? In some dingy building. He was with his four wives and holding a bottle of male enhancement pills. I tell you, making foreign policy decisions and negotiations the Blowjob Party way will save us a lot of grief in the future.

Host: Your worldview is impressive. The Blowjob Party seems to be only a single-issue party. Critics will say you are focused on only a single plank. How will you answer your critics on this point?

Ms. Montoya: This is nonsense. I would do it any way you wanted on a plank. But I would also do it any way in bed, on the floor, in the closet, on the kitchen table, on the garage workbench, in the back of a pickup truck, behind the mulch stacks at the lawn and garden center, in an airplane lavatory, in the department store tub display, at the gazebo in the park, under the gazebo at the park, on top of the gazebo at the park, behind the cotton candy stand at the fair, hanging from a rope sling, on a picnic table, during my interview [wink] [wink], in the laundry room at the clinic, while riding a combine, tied to a fence post, crawling through a mud hole, under a waterfall, on a pool table down at the local pub, in the souvenir shop at the museum, hanging upside down, and in the big oak tree that stands in front of the capital building right across from the Governor's office. The Blowjob Party is the party for everyone. We do not discriminate for any reason whatsoever.

Host: Ms. Montoya, We have enjoyed your visit tonight. We have learned a lot about your vision and the credentials of the Blowjob Party. I would like to thank you for coming to our show today. We really want the people to see all the candidates, and to get a taste of how they stand on the issues. We certainly wish you the very best, and hope that your future is rewarding. Now, as is our custom, we give you the last word to close out our show.

Ms. Montoya: Thank you for the opportunity to speak to the people. I promise you that I enjoyed the taste I had, also. We are searching for real change and satisfaction. Let me work on you and I can straighten you out. I can promise you this: I will be the only candidate who will look up to you while I am servicing you. I am Daisy Montoya, and I am running for President of the United States.

Host: And we thank you for watching 'Politics in Your Face.' Tonight our guest was Ms. Daisy Montoya, candidate for President of the United States.

Announcer: Now stay tuned for our next segment of 'Dr. Fred'. Tonight, Dr. Fred will interview an extended family at a trailer park tucked away in a swamp in southern Alabama. He will analyze their quirks and habits. He will find out what makes them click. It will be a struggle. It was summer when the doctor was there. It was one-hundred degrees in the shade every day. There you will see scruffy people with unshaved beards, cigarette packs rolled up in t-shirt sleeves, tattoos of naked women in poses that professional contortionists could not mimic, sweaty and stinky to the bone. And those are the women. The men are beyond description. But the doctor will find the truth. Next, exclusively on 'Dr. Fred.' Don't miss it.