Just about everybody has worked with a self- absorbed loudmouth like Dirk Howitzer...
***
After Steve Richburg got hired as a salesman at the local Chevrolet dealership, the people in charge assigned Dirk Howitzer to break the new guy in. The new hire spent much of the first day getting shakes of the heads and rolling of the eyes from the rest of his co-workers when Dirk was out of range, because they all seemed to have a similar opinion of the dealership's top performer who was chosen to train.
"You make it through the first week without screaming and you get a medal," said one longtime employee, and that guy's opinion was the rule and not the exception.
"A fucking tool," proclaimed another guy who elaborated. "The guy can sell, but if the customers had to spend more than an hour with him they would hate his guts like the rest of us."
"They stuck you with that egotistical cocksucker?" asked one of the female salespeople. "At least he won't try and fuck you in the back of a van like he tried to with me when he trained me. Or maybe he will because he's an erection with legs."
"Did he give you his Alec Baldwin shtick - the one from Glengarry GlenRoss?" asked another guy. "You know, the one where he rants about ABC. Always Be Closing?"
"No, but I liked the movie," Steve said.
"Well Dirk ought to pay David Mamet royalties because he uses it so much," he confided. "He thinks everybody who walks in the door is putty in his hands, and he tries to sell every man a car and also tries to fuck every woman who comes into the showroom. Legend has it he had a guy filling out credit forms while he took the dude's wife in the bathroom and screwed her while she bent over the sink."
"He's already given me that story," Steve laughed. "I got that in the first hour. If it gets too much I'll just quit because this is only a part-time thing for me."
"In that case let me introduce myself and then say it was nice meeting you," the man roared, shaking hands as Dirk approached.
"Steverino!" Dirk bellowed as the trainer slapped his trainee hard on the shoulder, the silver-haired super-salesman loud enough for the whole showroom to hear. "Let's take something out for a spin so you can get the feel of one of these babies - that red Camaro - and we can grab some lunch."
Steve Richburg let the boisterous salesman lead the way to the back lot and Dirk threw the keys over the hood before getting into the passenger side.
"If you're going to sell this shit you have to know it, but this baby sells itself," Dirk explained. "Some of this stuff though, you really have to lean on the saps to sell this shit. Hey, what do you think about that? Fuck yeah!"
"Handles nice," Steve said as he tried to be careful with the thing in traffic.
"No man, I was talking about that broad in the white tank-top over there on the corner. See her? Look at the size of them jugs! I wouldn't mind giving her a taste of The Convincer."
"The Convincer?"
"That my friend is what I call this," Dirk bellowed as he grabbed his crotch. "Eight stiff inches of grade A cock that I love to share with the ladies. It's a gift."
"Aren't you married?" Steve asked.
"Yes, but I'm not a fanatic about it," Dirk explained. "I'll fuck anything with a pulse - women that is. Hey, you're married too. Don't tell me you don't screw around. Hell, you're a good looking guy - what - about 50? That's prime fucking time. Hell, I'm 61 but when I get done with a woman they think I must be half the age because I screw long, hard and continuous."
"I'm 49 but - well let's just say I'm a bit selective."
"To each his own, but my motto is find em' - fuck em' and forget em' and I've fucked so many women I'm like the white Wilt Chamberlain."
"Wow, that's something," Steve replied.
"I know you don't believe me Steve," Dirk said. "I know the guys say I'm full of shit but in their hearts they know I'm the man. Why is that? Because when I see what I want I'm like a pit bull on a pork chop!"
"Speaking of pork chops, did you want to stop somewhere for lunch?" Steve asked.
"When we get back towards home base there's a gas station that has a deal - 2 dogs and a drink for $2.22," Dirk explained before continuing. "Anyway, like I said I'm relentless, and if you want to get to the top of the sales board like me you will be too. How do you get there you ask?"
"Be a pit bull?" Steve asked while trying not to smile.
"Hell yes! You're catching on. I'm the same no matter if it's prospects or pussy. It's ABC! Always Be Closing."
"I've heard that saying somewhere."
"I didn't invent it but I live it. You line up the suckers or the girl, and then you go all out. Full court press. Promise them the moon," Dirk insisted. "Dazzle them with bullshit. You know how many girls I've just gone up to and hit on? Just out of the blue? I was buying a pair of pants at Penney's and had the saleswoman help me try them on. What do you think happened? Here on the right - pull in on the side there."
A weary Steve Richburg pulled the Camaro over to the side parking lot of the Quick Mart and killed the motor, which was easier done than stifling his co-worker.
"Let me prove it to you," Dirk said after they got out of the car, and after Dirk pulled him out of sight of the girl at the register he told him what he had in mind. "See that girl behind the counter? The tall skinny one with the mousy brown hair?"
"Uh - yes," Steve replied when he saw the young woman Dirk was referring to ringing out a customer.
"Now if she was 18 I could walk in there and in five minutes have a date with her," Dirk assured his trainee. "Problem is she's too young. Look - she's wearing braces."
"She's 18," Steve assured him. "You have to be 18 to work at this outfit because they handle alcohol."
"You sure?"
"Absolutely, but that's okay. I believe your romantic abilities."
"Romance? Screw romance. I just want to fuck her, and you know, she's not bad," Dirk said as he peered in at his prey. "In fact, these are the easy ones. Young and dumb and decent looking but not super hot, and they get so excited about being hit on by an older guy that they are an easy mark. Especially for somebody like me - did you notice I look a little like Robert Redford circa 2000? Some girl told me that."
"You mentioned that I think," Steve said.
"Like I was saying, she's young - not too young - and impressionable. Not much to look at I admit because her complexion is a little sketchy, she's got a bit of an overbite and her tits are practically non-existent, but those are the kind of girls that give it up easy because they're desperate."
"So if you wanted to you could go in and sweep that poor girl off her feet?" Steve suggested, and after the older man nodded Steve said. "I'd like to see that and there's no customers in there now."
"A non-believer I see. Well you stay out here because I don't want you crimping my style my friend," Dirk said as he checked his tie before going in. "That carpenter's dream won't know what hit her. Here goes - hey, did you ever get your cock sucked by a girl with braces?"
"Matter-of-fact I have," Steve said as Dirk ducked into the store, and as he watched from the other side of the glass Dirk descended on the tall drink of water in pit bull mode.
About four minutes later Dirk was walking back out with four hot dogs, 2 cokes and a register tape which he proudly announced had the cashier's phone number on it.
"A...B... fucking C! That little piggy would have gone out back with me right here and now if there was anybody else that could have watched the register, that's how bad she wants it!" Dirk cackled as he divvied up lunch. "She gets out at 6 and I'll be picking her up at the door."
"I'm sure I'll hear all about it tomorrow," Steve told him as they hopped back in the car.
"Not only that, I'll take photos of the event if she lets me," Dirk promised. "Her name is Sharon and she said she's 19 - sweet 19 year old pussy is the best! What a session with The Convincer can do to fresh pussy like that is scary. Almost a life changer for the girl because she'll never forget it."
***
Steve Richburg was on time and ready to sell the next morning, and actually sold a Cruze to a couple before the man training him staggered in wearing a sheepish grin.
"You sold them? Dirk asked when he saw the people leave with the paperwork signed. "See what I mean? A day with me and you can't help but catch it."
"How was your date last night?" Steve asked.
"If I told you my friend, you wouldn't believe it," Steve said before adding, "But you know I'm going to tell you anyway - wait till lunch."
"You scored?"
"The girl was a fucking animal," Dirk whispered. "She was damn near as crazy as me."
"Oh yeah?"
"Here - you want to see what a sweet 19 year old pussy looks like after I get done with it?" Dirk asked as he flipped his phone open as showed his partner the screen. "Look at that pussy. That pussy is old school. See how hairy she is? The way the hair grows up on the insides of her thighs and up under her crotch? Damn, that brings back memories of those hippie chicks I used to bang."
"You're amazing."
"At lunch I'm going to go back over and talk to her because she was so hot that I'm going to do her again, and I rarely do that. Whoops! Here come some suckers," Dirk said as he ambushed an elderly couple, and Steve shook his head as he filed his sale with the office.
Four hours later the two were back in the car heading over to the Quick Mart. Dirk decided they would take a late lunch because his conquest was working a later shift, and so while they waited in the car Dirk bragged about his exploits.
