Susanjillparer's How to List #01

My how to list of advice for the everyday things in life: How to buy a car?

SusanJillParker's How to advice #1: How to buy a car?

Whether buying a car, a van, or a truck, most people think they know how to buy a motor vehicle, especially men. As impulsive as women are when buying shoes and clothes, men are impulsive when plunking down lots of money for a car, van, or truck. Men are the worst when it comes to buying anything that's sold by a salesperson. Right behind women, men are the ones most taken advantage of when buying a car, van, or truck. With this How To story applicable to not only cars but also to vans and trucks but, for the purpose of this How To story, let's just concentrate on cars.

Did you get that? Right behind women, men are the ones most taken advantage of when buying a car. Ergo, no matter if you're a man or a woman buying a car, the dreaded car salesperson will get the better of you. Unless they've worked in automobile sales themselves, I just have one word to say to those men who think they know enough about cars to get the best deal when buying a car from a professional car salesperson.

"Ha!" Allow me to reiterate my one word of disbelief that most men are armed with enough information to get the best possible deal when buying a car, new or used. "Ha!" There I feel better now.

* * * * *

Whether buying a used car or a new car, everyone wants to get the best deal by haggling a fair price. Yet so very few of us get a good enough price for us to brag that we were even treated fairly never mind received a good purchase price when buying our beloved automobile.

"Wow! Nice car. How'd you get such a great deal on that car?" Mike looked at his friend with envy.

"Easy. I made them an offer they couldn't refuse," said Jim proudly while puffing out his chest and beaming his friend a feigned smile.

Mike rolled his eyes and sighed while looking at his friend with a jaundiced eye.

"So you paid the full sticker price?"

As if he had been held a prisoner of war captured by the enemy and mercilessly interrogated, glad to have escaped with his life, Jim looked at his friend with a face full of fear.

"Yeah, I did," said Jim sadly while wringing his hands and looking rejected and despondent. "I just wanted to go home and the only way they'd let me leave is if I signed the purchase agreement."

* * * * *

Listen, unless we were born beneath a tent in Morocco and ride a camel through the desert, or are Donald Trump, Warren Buffett, or one of the Koch brothers, most people don't know how to haggle a good deal. Most of us truly believe we're getting a good value when buying something from eBay at a super low price only to find that it's a knockoff made in China or from Amazon with free shipping. Sorry but that's the cold truth. In the way we all distrust lawyers, all people are leery of salespeople, especially car salespeople and for good reason. Most people will do anything to avoid a salesman, just ask any door-to-door salesman.

"Wait. Just give me a minute of your time," said Joe with a hurt look. "I don't understand why you're avoiding me."

"Duh? Because you're a salesman," said Betty with attitude while rolling her eyes and sighing.

"But you're my wife," said Joe.

As soon as we walk through those big, shiny, glass doors at a new car dealer, we're all at the mercy of one of the Devil's disciples. The one place where many of us are the most vulnerably uncomfortable, a new car dealership or a used car lot, this is their wheelhouse and our downfall. Forget about in God we trust because the only thing that a car salesperson trusts is making a sale and getting the most of your almighty dollars. He or she has been groomed, trained, and coached by the best to take every last dollar you have and/or will have over the next 4 to 7 years when financing a car that should have cost you thousands of dollars less instead of thousands of dollars more.

"Welcome to Hell." As a warning, they should have that sign over the door of a new car dealership of a photo of a fisherman landing a big fish, you sucker. Key the music. To quote the Eagles by using a line from the Hotel California lyrics, "You can check-out at any time you'd like but you can never leave." That is until you bought a car. Good luck because you're going to need it.

* * * * *

To an auto salesperson's credit, if they weren't good at their job, they wouldn't have a job. To your dismay, if auto salespeople weren't good at their jobs, you'd have a nice car at a great place but the dealership would be out of business. The measure of their success is valued by the profits they make for the dealership. Car salespeople are just as good as the number of cars they sell at profits high enough to give them bonuses.

Being that they sell cars every day, all day, as part of their job, they're professional at selling cars. You, on the other hand, being that you happen along to buy a car every five to twelve years, are not a professional at buying a car. Sorry to give you a reality check but you're an amateur in comparison to a professional automotive salesperson. Think about that while being realistic in what kind of fair deal you'll be able to negotiate and receive. Allow me to refer back to my one word statement of your chance of getting a fair deal.

"Ha!"

What chance do you possible have of getting a good deal when going up against a professional car salesperson? Not a chance. You'd have a better chance of winning a fight when stepping in a ring with Mike Tyson with one hand tied behind his back. Either way, not giving you very good odds, I'd bet on Tyson and take that bet that you'd lose horribly.

"Beating him to a pulp with one hand tied behind his back, Mike Tyson growled at the camera while biting off the man's ear."

See? What did I tell you? The shocking truth is just as you don't stand a chance in the squared circle with Mike Tyson, you don't stand much of a chance of getting a good deal when buying a car whether new or used. When walking in a car dealership, do yourself a favor to save yourself time, trouble, and aggravation. Just empty your pockets, give the car salesperson all the money you have and beg them to throw in free mud flaps and a plastic coffee mug with the car's logo. That's as good of a deal as most folks will get.

Yet, don't give up hope. Stay positive. Remain confident. Be happy. Put that blank, signed check away. Matter of fact, unless you plan on giving that blank, signed check to Joel Osteen, tear it up. Rip it to shreds and throw it away because you won't be needing it. Not as long as I'm in charge of helping you to buy that new car or truck.

If you follow some of my helpful tips, you'll get a better deal when buying that car than you would had you not read this how to story. I know how to get the best deal when buying a car. I know how you'll receive a fair price. I know the information you'll need so that you're not taken, laughed at, and ridiculed as soon as you walk out that dealership door.

* * * * *

First of all, lemme ask you this. Why buy a new car? Why not buy a used car? With used cars having already depreciated in value, used cars are much cheaper. With all the bugs out of them, used cars are a much better deal than buying a new car. Right? What do you think? Or unable to see yourself in a used car that someone else has already used and abused, you'd rather buy new car than used car so that you can watch that odometer click from ten miles to one hundred thousand. I get that. I do and I don't blame you for wanting to buy a brand, shiny new car.

Sometimes with not much of a difference in price between the two, unless you're buying a real shitbox, buying a used car can be just as costly as buying a new car. Used car loans have much shorter lengths of duration than new car loans. Buying a used car may actually cost you more a month than a new car, albeit for a shorter amount of time. Where most banks will give you 4 years to pay your used car, nearly all dealerships will give you up to 7 years to pay your new car.

Moreover, unless you're dealing with a credit union, the interest rates on used cars are much higher than on new cars. Saving you thousands of dollars in interest charges, some new cars have zero interest rates, something that a used car doesn't offer. For you to truly compare buying a used car versus a used car, you'd have to factor in the additional amount of interest you'd have to pay for the used car over the new car. Suddenly that new car is looking more attractive.

When buying a used car, you risk the horror of having to make costly repairs within a short time of ownership. Unless you have a trusted family member who's a mechanic, just as you're dealing with the Devil when buying a car at the dealership, you're sometimes dealing with Satan's son when having to deal with an auto mechanic. Yet, just as not all automotive salespeople are liars, not all automotive mechanics are thieves. Hard to believe but that's a true statement.

I read that of a used car salesman in Omaha Nebraska who's as honest as the day is long. He'd never tell you something that wasn't true nor would he ever take a dime that wasn't earned and/or due him. He's unemployed and unemployable, of course, but he's an honest man. There's also a mechanic who lives on an island in the Pacific who's never cheated anyone with a car repair. Granted, they don't have any cars on the island, nonetheless his record still stands as an auto mechanic who cheated anyone.

"Being that I just bought this car used, I'd like you to see what else is wrong with it. So, how much do you think it will cost me for you to look the car over, change my oil, put air in the tires, and replace my windshield wipers?"

"Well, I won't be able to tell what it will cost until I look under the hood," said Clem removing his greasy cap and wiping his forehead with a dirty rag. "Maybe you should go ahead and start applying for that second mortgage now. Let's hope you bought a good used car and haven't been taken," said the mechanic as if to say in the way you'll be taken by me. Unless you know the person selling the used car and/or if you're a mechanic who knows a lot about cars and can fix anything wrong with the car you're buying, forget about buying a used car. Unless you have someone to take with you who is skilled at picking a good, used car over a lemon, buying a used car for you is off the table. Buying a used car is akin to buying a Chinese accordion over an Italian accordion. Yes, of course, I'm well aware that I supported Chinese accordions in my essay, Chinese Piano Accordions Good or Bad, but in the end, you get what you pay for, most times, especially when it comes to buying a used car versus a new car.

Even if your brother-in-law, your brother, and/or your mother works for a used car lot and promises to give you the best deal, forget about it! Do not buy a used car unless you know exactly what it is you are buying and unless you have no other alternative than to buy a used car instead of spending the extra money to buy a new car. Where buying a new car is mostly a sure bet when it comes to quality, dependability, and reliability, buying a used car is a crap shoot.

"Mom? How could you do that to me? How could you sell me that lemon of a car for twice what it's worth?"

* * * * *

Growing up with four much older brothers who read every car magazine, Automobile, Car and Driver, Motor Trend, Road & Track, and Autoweek, and talked endlessly about cars, and who all ended up working for Ford and GM, I know a lot about cars. Only, not very mechanically inclined, I don't know how to fix cars, an enigma and oxymoronic to other women, I just know a lot about cars. Besides, even though you'd love to see me doing just that, I'm not about to crawl under a car while wearing a short skirt. Besides, I don't like getting my fingernails broken and/or dirty. Instead of knowing how to fix them, which I never had any interest in learning, I just know how to buy them.

I know which automobiles are good and which ones are bad. Any model of Lexus or Subaru immediately come mind as bulletproof cars and the Ford Taurus and Ford Explorer immediately come to mind as the most unreliable. Having been to enough car shows with my brothers and perused enough of their automotive magazines, unlike most women, I can tell the make and model of a car just by seeing a quick glimpse of a headlight or a taillight. A talent that comes in handy when in a hit and run accident, I recognize a person's car before I recognize the person.

Knowledgeable enough about makes and models, I used to be able to match the car with the man just by looking at him, very helpful when someone was trying to pick me up in a bar or at club. Unless the person was still driving some relic from AMC, American Motors Company, a Lark from Studebaker, or a Dodge Dart, able to guess the make and model of someone's car was a fun game to play at a cocktail party. More often than not, I was right. More often than not, I was in the ballpark in guessing a Toyota Camry instead of a Honda Accord.

"Wow, that's amazing Susan that you guessed that I had a Toyota Camry. Interestingly and coincidentally enough, I almost bought the Camry but my brother said he could get me a better deal buying a Honda Accord from him at the Honda dealership," he said with sucker written all over his face. "Glad that my brother helped me to buy the car, I didn't pay a dollar over list price."

* * * * *

So shall we begin with me giving you my two cents worth of advice on how to buy a car? Only, please keep in mind that this is SusanJillParker's How to List on Literotica and not Heloise's how to list in Good Housekeeping. This is my erotic laced version of how to buy a new car.

Unless you can't afford it or don't have the credit to buy new, it's always better to buy a new car instead of a used car. I know I'm going against convention with those people who'd never buy a new car, even if they could afford it, but in the long run, so long as you drive the car until the car is dead, buying a new car is always the better deal. I know, I know, who can afford a new car when so many of us are still unemployed or underemployed and so few of us can't even afford a used car never mind a new car? Yet, if you have the money and the good credit score to do so, when buying a new car, you'll have the peace of mind of a new car warranty.

Still, even those who have the money and the good credit score would rather buy a one or two year old used car with low mileage. Put off by the high price, they'd rather buy a car that has already depreciated somewhat in value for them to get a better deal or so they think and truly believe. Yet, for those of you who can afford a new car but cheap out by buying a used car, lemme ask you this.

When you can afford to buy a brand new car, when you can choose not only the make and model but also the interior and exterior color and customized your car by buying the options that you'd prefer having, why would you buy a used car? Further and to be blunt, if I may, why would you buy a used car that the driver's seat has already been farted on?

"Eww! Gross!"

Yeah, think about that. A driver's seat that's already been farted on and is imbedded with the aromatic residue of smelly farts is, actually, a game changer that even Febreze can't make go away. Shame on you for even thinking about buying a used car instead of buying a new car. I'm embarrassed to know you and I'd never ride in your car, a car with already farted on seats. That's just disgusting. That's just nasty.

"I don't understand George," said Mary. "I thought we decided that we were buying a used car instead of a new car."

"Well, I was going to do that but, something I never thought of before, Susan Jill Parker wrote in her SusanJillParker's how buy a new car list that used cars have driver's seats that have already been farted on," said George while giving his wife a grave look.

"Oh, dear," said Mary. "I can't even imagined sitting on seats that have already been farted on. Maybe we'd be better off selling the family farm, along with the tractor, to buy a new car instead of a used one."

Okay, now that I have your attention, generally, as long as you buy a good new car that's not a lemon, with no money out of your pocket other than your monthly payment, you'll be without a repair bill for years. Other than an oil changes and, perhaps, new tires, air fresheners, wiper blades, car washes, license, registration, inspection fees, insurance, and gas for the life of the car, yep, that's right, a new car won't cost you another penny. Truth be told, owning a car whether new or used is expensive. Truth be told, most people in the car market don't know enough about cars to buy a good, reliable used car. Even knowledgeable car people have been taken when buying a used car.

"Jimmy, I know the car looks a little like a Mercedes by its front grille and its XG350 nomenclature on the back but this isn't a Mercedes. It's a Hyundai," said Tommy laughing at his friend's gullibility. "I can't believe the car salesperson told you that you were buying a Mercedes. Moreover, I can't believe you really thought that this was a Mercedes and not a Hyundai. How can you be so stupid to be so taken?"

"Now that I remember, he may have said that it looked a lot like a Mercedes from the distance of a couple of blocks when parked on a dark street at night away from the streetlight. I don't know. I was so confused and after being there for five hours with them triple teaming me with the sales manager and the finance manager, I just wanted to go home."

* * * * *

Most people can't tell if the used car they're considering buying has been in a flood or was in a bad accident and was totaled. Unless there's obvious, visible damage, most times, I can't tell a good used car from a bad used car that won't last one day past the 90 day warranty, that is if you're lucky to get any warranty on a used car. Buying a used car is a gamble and buying a new car is less of a gamble. Yet, you get what you pay for couldn't be any truer than when buying a car.

Moreover, food for fodder, if the car was in an accident and repaired, do the airbags still work? I bet you never thought of that. What about the built-in crumple zones? Are they still in place? The crumple zones are designed into a car by a manufacturer to scrub off energy when you're in an accident before that energy reaches you in the passenger compartment.

Repair shops routinely use inferior parts and components that aren't from the manufacturer to save money without telling the customer that they aren't original parts. Made in China, some shops even use airbags that don't work. No doubt, if you should have a crash, you'd be the first test dummy, dummy, to discover that you don't have working airbags. Buying a used car is a crap shoot and a risky gamble that may even be deadly. Then, again, buying a new car is a crap shoot and a risky gamble that may be deadly too, as in the case of General Motors recall of Chevy Cobalts and Toyotas recall of Camrys.

Yet, as with a new car, unless your Aunt Hilda is selling her twenty-year-old Buick with 30,000 original miles, the best way to buy a used car is to bite the bullet and buy the car from a dealer. Buying from a private party may be cheaper but unless you know the car and the person, it's still a big gamble and a hard lesson to learn should you suddenly need major repairs just to pass inspection. Buyer beware couldn't be any truer than when buying a used car. With most private party used car sales sold as is, you won't have a warranty to fall back on should your used car need costly servicing.

Buying a used car from a new car dealer may include a limited warranty, which is always good and much better than having no warranty at all. Moreover, as far as I know, unless that policy has changed, new car dealers don't sell used cars with more than 60,000 original miles on them. Usually those high mileage cars are sold at auction. If you can't afford a new car, the best place to buy a used car is from a new car dealer. You'll pay more but if you know your facts and haggle, you'll pay less than someone else who is not armed with the information that they need to make an informed purchase.